labelleizzy: (Default)
Wednesday, December 8th, 2021 08:46 pm
Today I did one of my pay it forward tasks.

Today I drove out to Cupertino to pick up my friend's s*** from her ex-boyfriend. They split up a while ago and he has been gas lighting her since just a little bit before they split up.

His name's Johan. Don't date him.

Anyway, I'd offered something like two weeks ago and just spontaneously got the executive functioning going well enough that I engaged with him yesterday to do the thing today, and after my workout this morning, and food after that, I got my ducks in a row.

Pinged Johan for where I'd pickup his drop-off, he condescends to say, yeah I guess this method is better for L's nerves

LIKE FUCK YOU, DUDE

He gave me a map pin, it was accurate, I parked at the red zone like the Amazon and UPS vans, turned on my hazard lights like them, grabbed the black plastic bag with her stuff, passenger seat, (traffic was heavy through the neighborhood) and then legged it over to L's.

Dropped the bag o stuff on her back porch (her house is weird, built on a corner and has 2 back porches, a tiny one about 3'x2' off one of the bedrooms I think, and the actual back porch for like BBQ or whatever.)

And then I came home and read my own pornography, and a couple of other people's, for awhile.

My pornography has now reached 49k words for the current series, and well past 120 k for all my words posted to AO3.

So I mentioned on FB today that I feel like "a real writer" and just, Yay.

Also, the trees are FINALLY, finally changing color. Sent photos to Stephen in the Bahamas per request, and also I felt like a badass in sneakers, yoga pants, sweater and the black denim trench coat Luisa have me last year. I fucking love that thing...
labelleizzy: (sexpositive)
Tuesday, April 6th, 2021 11:38 am
hey y'all...

working on the last chapter of Dionysia. The boys have danced, drunk wine, have fed each other, have been making out on the dance floor, and at the last line of chapter three, have joined the rest of the orgy proper.

i'm having a lot of fun describing the sensual nature of a Dionysia. there's rich wonderful food, trance state dancing, rich drugging incense, beautiful people all around, dancing touching kissing, being sexual.

writing sex choreography isn't much different from writing fight choreography, or straight dance choreography. It's more that I'm wanting to write the sensations from both partners, and also strike a balance between what i remember about really long wonderful sessions of sex: there's some memorable details that stay with you afterwards, and there's long stretches, especially if it's drunken sex, that just fade into hazy pleasure, and sometimes shuddery physically triggered memories later on, tiny bits of arousal revisiting the bodymind.

i can do this. i HAVE done this before. maybe i just need to read some of those other sex scenes i've written.

also it's hard at the moment because J is being distracting, but not in a way that would be useful for this work, dammit! =)
labelleizzy: (brain dump)
Thursday, December 10th, 2020 03:15 pm
one of these ephemeral moments where i just got to express myself how i needed to, without trying to make a reasonable narrative in the moment.

i mean...

I don't have any conflicts or beefs right now aside from the ongoing /get that shithead out the white house/ that's all the time in my brain... life is holding steady. Jeff and I are pretty okay at the moment, with no real cracky or messy stuff on the horizon.

i did fine when he did an overnight with our Jenn, actually i really enjoyed having the bed and the house to myself for a bit... I stop myself from vocalizing when he's around, but when it's just me like it's been for about 5 years, i totally talk to myself all through the day. Discovered that i miss it some.

(that may be part of why i enjoyed the random download today with L.)

it was like an unspooling. or an untangling?

brain feels... tidier. smoother.

we covered a lot of ground, touched on a lot of issues for just a moment, long enough to acknowledge (past struggles to hold boundaries, to challenge authority figures, to stand up for myself) and metaphors (how The Patriarchy helped dislocate my ankle and my knee in two separate incidents, comment if you actually wanna know what i think about that)...

conclusion 1: I am more MYSELF when i get a chance to ramble and talk and allow the words to come out verbally, even more so than I am myself after taking time to write like /this/ on a screen. I spend a lot of time/effort holding my interior monologue on the interior.

conclusion 2: asking for someone's ear isn't a bad thing. asking for help is good, and a gift to the person who has the chance to help. Gods know *I* like to help!

conclusion 3: perhaps, possibly, our life is smooth enough (healthy enough? boring enough?) to discontinue sessions for the time being. Gonna think on that for a little bit.
labelleizzy: (hands)
Sunday, October 25th, 2020 08:59 pm
This morning and got up earlier than I usually do on a Sunday. I had an appointment starting at 11:00 a.m. for a 2-hour training on the embroidery machine at the Maker Nexus We just recently joined. I got my breakfast, and got dressed, was mostly ready by 10:00 which i was proud of. Got there with 15 minutes to spare, also proud of that. It's just over in Sunnyvale so not very far, but it was the first time I'd driven for myself.

I met Carmen the teacher for this (they call em BOSS classes, you're THE BOSS of that specific machine sounds like!) She got my badge, showed me the process for badging in and checking in checking out & where we were going to be working.

I got a lot of relief for my anxiety on trying a new thing from the fact that I could literally use the bathroom there. And as it turned out I needed to this morning though I'd eaten something last night for dinner that I don't usually eat and that had its usual consequences!

The machine I was learning on is a 15 thread embroidery machine, circa 2004, so not a touch screen but it does have a computer screen, you transfer designs to the computer on the embroidery machine by uploading the pattern to a thumb drive maximum size two gigs. Which part of me goes lawl and part of me is like of course 2005.

Carmen showed me a variety of samples: printouts that she and other people had done for patterns and also stitching samples that people had done. It's got a lot of possible subtlety to the end product. If the pattern design is done well then the end product is quite lovely and detailed. But it's all in the question of how good is the design that you bought. Or created, Once you learn the design software. Which is beyond the scope for me to buy that design software that they're using, the company wants a thousand bucks for the license. Hence why I will be using the maker Nexus copy of the software.

She showed me a few examples of here's how you access existing patterns that are already uploaded to the machine, here's how you get a pattern off of the laptop to the thumb drive to the embroidery machine and then download it which sounds a lot easier than it actually is. The user interface for the embroidery machine is elderly and non-intuitive, it's definitely usable but it's going to take practice to get it to do what you want.

The easy part relatively speaking is the mechanical nature of the machine. Rethreading the machine is just more complicated version of how I thread my sewing machine. The bobbin thread only requires one additional tiny gesture to anchor the bobbin thread into what she called a pigtail it was a tiny metal curlicue that comes off of the space where on my machine the bobbin would just have a little gap that would feed the thread but they need a lot more control I guess with this particular embroidery machine. We did rethread one bobbin so I could see how it was done It's a fussy process but doable and she showed me the tools that make it a little easier, I have some very fine needles that are meant to be used for threading seed beads, and my jewelry supplies and she was using one of those to bring the thread down from the embroidery thread cone through the home mechanism and then through the last place that it needs to go so that the machine will pick it up and will use it appropriately. So the mechanical stuff is not even all that difficult It's really going to be the programming and finding my way through the interfaces of unfamiliar software and unfamiliar control panel.

One of the designs that was already installed on the pattern design software would make a beautiful Burning Man patch. It was a kind of a fluid,free form heart with two almost touching curlicues at the place where the heart comes to a point at the top? and it was just like the legs and arms of the symbol for the man and inside the heart it said you are so loved! I might just knock a few of those out as prototypes for friends to get started.

At some point I'd like to create some custom patches for friends and family, and I'd like to do some business that I can use to decorate my blue jeans. I think ivy or flowers like a climbing line or morning glories would be delightful and ridiculous!

We finished up with the class about a half an hour early, right around 12:30. I had a good size breakfast so I wasn't hungry, and my friend Tox had offered me to come over and harvest some of his veggies. He has a hydroponic garden.

It was my first time seeing it. Wow, what a hydroponic garden! He had peppers growing all the way up to the top of the trellis and he had basil that was taller than me and he had tomato plants occupying the entire side yard of his house like you could not walk back there because they had grown over the pathway! He has a small sage bush, but like just the basil and the peppers themselves alone well worth the trip I got five or six cherry tomatoes, and multiple different kinds of peppers. Thai chili peppers in this luminous red a different varietal in yellow, tinged orange? And I accidentally broke off some branches that included green peppers so I'll probably do those up as a separate batch of vinegar chili peppers for Jeff, and then have a different batch for the yellow and a different batch for the red. He had long Chipotle peppers that were nearly as long as my forearm! Giant healthy beautiful untouched by insects beautiful peppers!

Now I understand better why my husband wants to do a hydroponic garden.

Unfortunately San Jose is better for that kind of gardening endeavor. It has a delightful microclimate that is perfect for tomatoes and figs and quite a few other Mediterranean things. But something about just coming a few miles further up the peninsula to the town where I live, and conditions are radically different.

****

Came home to be reminded that my adopted Seester was visiting Jeff today! So while I didn't get all the deets of some recent adventures she's been having, I did get a nice check in and short visit at a social distance on our back patio.

While I enjoyed her company I agree with her about the fact that since pandemic and shelter in place has started it's been hard to get me time. I am a lot more of an introvert, Jeff is more an extrovert, and my seester similarly needed time that was just for her, without her spouse: so not 24/7 in the same space as him, I think that's more accurate. And I agree with that and Jeff agrees similarly, that he needs time without me. While that hurt once upon a time it doesn't anymore. It makes a lot more sense now.

Thanks for listening, it helps a lot to be able to clear my head by dumping what happened here. Today was an unusually eventful day, and this weekend was an unusually eventful weekend!

Time to go try and put some words in on my October writing project which is a little bit less than daily but all words are good words in this case!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Wednesday, October 7th, 2020 12:59 pm
ten things make a post, so:

* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.

High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.

* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).

* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.

* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.

*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb

...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.

* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.

* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!

* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.

* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.

* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.
labelleizzy: (take the action)
Friday, September 4th, 2020 04:10 pm
I wish that I had had access to the term executive functioning, or executive dysfunction, years ago. Having the knowledge that this is a thing, makes a big difference in how harshly I will judge myself for failing to do things that I feel like I should be doing.

I have trouble writing, at least fiction. I'm writing short pieces for Tumblr right now, or occasional answers to questions on quora. I have multiple works in progress on AO3, and I can feel the story sitting in that part of my brain, and I can't find a way to let it out yet. And it's frustrating as hell.

This executive dysfunction is largely, I guess, emotionally based, sometimes physical distress is part of it but largely when I'm in emotional distress is when I have the most difficulty. And today, I'm only writing this post because I am out of the house, house sitting/cat sitting for my friend girl purple. And while I'm here, I can use speech to text.

For writing, it hits me in different places to write by hand, to write at a keyboard, to write on the phone, or to dictate. At this immediate moment I'm making an end run around the writing dysfunction by speaking instead. I've been thinking there must be other ways to get around the fact that writing is hard right now I mean, now more than usual. With the pandemic and shelter in place, with not being able to have access to my usual support network, or my activities that feed me, like dance, like going to an open floor dance or a five rhythms dance, I can't go visit my friends I can't ask somebody to come over and sit with me while I accomplish things. I think maybe I need to pet the cats, and maybe I need to sit down and let myself feel my feelings.

I think the next thing that I will do for myself is I will write down onto paper and put it up somewhere I can see it, the list I just made of the different ways that I could write and perhaps I will also pull out the couple of self-help books that I've used in the past to wake up the skills that I have had in the past to Get Shit Done.

Time to go eat a food and try to get shit done.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Friday, March 27th, 2020 11:41 am
saw a very #relatable post on Tumblr (when do i not find relatable posts on Tumblr)
#i love tumblr

it said something like, "housebound, communicating by writing, not allowed to touch anyone not of your household. I've never related to Jane Austen's novels more."

so. that's a thing.

had my second Zoom meeting with my trainer, Etty. plagued with technical difficulties because my phone is four years old and the battery crashes like, all the time. Last time we started with the laptop, and shifted to the phone mid session because i hadn't charged up the laptop. LOL
Today the phone just straight up died after a half an hour video call. 75% charged, my right butt cheek. Ran inside, got a battery pack (thank gods for that one burning man art project we did, we have like 5 battery packs) and we finished the session okay.

my leg had started to hurt kind of a lot. no dancing, no workouts, minimal walking, not a lot of stretching. full body tension, you know what i mean if you have old injuries that still give you grief. and now instead my muscles are SORE but not tense in the same way.

i call it "fun-pain". when you cuss going up and down stairs because your inner hamstring is twanging from yesterday's workout. that's fun-pain.

okay now the cat has pinned my arm to the kitchen table while i type on the laptop, might as well make this a long post.

monday mar 16: Notified of Shelter-In-Place (SHIP). washed & folded a bunch of my damn laundry. we were already more or less Hobbiting in place (HIP) so i didn't think i'd mind too much. my thoughts about that have somewhat changed.

Tuesday mar 17: day 1 mandatory SHIP. walked outside w jeff. Met neighbor Jessica, talked about skillsharing and foodsharing, turns out she runs an email list for the local community. picked up dry cleaning (keepign 6' distance) and washed the hell out of our hands.
Video conference with therapist, our first couples counseling. went well, i think.
watched *your name* which totally fuckin deserved the awards it won.

Wednesday mar 18: finished writing "Would you...?" and posted to tumblr.
* did a color sketch of the red tulips on the verge of losing all their petals. Looks good on the black paper, and I think i did a decent job of getting the proportions right. posted photos to my art instagram, which you can see if we're FB friends.
* Started watching Legend of Korra and DAMN THE HAPPY PLACE FOR ME! woo!

Thursday mar 19. Jeff had discovered that the garbage disposal was leaking under the sink cabinet, so he took it out, found it's all rusted and pitted and the motor was... well. not healthy. he ordered a new one (five+/- days for delivery) and we set ourselves up to wash our dishes in the laundry sink. thank fuck we had the laundry sink, but ughhhhhhhhhhh handwashing all the dishes and pots and pans.
* Cut out 25 or so of two kinds of fabric to make medical masks from.
* Finished reading _REd, White, and Royal Blue_ which is SO GOOD that I'll try and put a link in the comments. everyone who like fanfiction and queer fiction will probably love this little AU. it made me so happy, i gasped more than once, laughed out loud, and literally felt my heart warm.

Friday mar 20. slept the hell in, got lost in Tumblr, and didnt get my breakfast till 1153.
* i insisted on us stripping and remaking the bed with fresh sheets because usually we would have had a wednesday visit from the cleaning folks, so we had to do it ourselves. Jeff was helpful when i explained.
* (looking back from the friday following this day, we have GOT to sweep and mop the floors because argh the dust is getting to me pretty good.)
* Jeff repaired the leak in the hot tub that has been costing us $ and gallons. I helped a little by lying on my face on the deck with a mirror so i could see the gasket that was leaking and was able to confirm that it was no longer leaking. perhaps that's not a little thing, can u imaging the PITA of being in the hot tub with tools, then having to climb out and lay down to try and see if you did it right? it's the context switch that's expensive, cognitively. I knew this, blogged about it in my election day post, but confirmation.

Digression: some hospital workers are working the long ass days like I worked on election day, only EVERY DAY. Try to find something you can do to support your hospital workers, your friends and family who are isolated, or people who are hungry.

Saturday mar 21: Jeff and i had sex, yay! it was nice.
* went for a walk around the neighborhood, met Carlos and Yvette on the corner, the house with the short chainlink fence and kids toys in the yard, across from the house with the lemon trees.
* had the idea of offering services to parents i know with short art lessons or reading lessons. should drop a note in carlos and yvette's mailbox to that effect, with my phone number for texting.
* got the idea to take a long drive. after some negotiation with Jeff we decided on santa cruz so we could see the ocean, and i said if we're there anyway we should get take out at Mobo Sushi, which is one of my top three sushi restaurants in the whole Bay Area. So we did. And then we found a bench overlooking a section of beach, watched people dog walking and some kids playing, but almost entirely deserted, relative to how i think of santa cruz beaches. People were all social distancing!
* (i havent talked much about this because a ton of people have been shit talking "stupid people going to beaches" but i feel we were quite responsible, and so was everyone else we saw, adhering to the established guidelines.)
* so we ate sushi and watched the sunset. I took a few photos, they're also on my instagram, it was a lovely ocean sunset. and then we drove home, and washed our hands washed our hands washed our hands.

Sunday mar 22: Jeff starts to set up the little blue office for video calls and working from home. We got my old desk out of the garage (it's a beautiful desk) and assembled it once we moved all the storage out of the blue room.
* Before the coronavirus blew up the world, he had been thinking of quitting his job. I wanted to support him, i know he's hella burned out, but fortunately GrlPurple convinced him that maybe quitting a well paying job with excellent medical insurance just as a pandemic is ramping up might not be the best choice.
* his work is not currently demanding that everyone work full 40 hour weeks. which is a relief.

***end of first week of SHIP

Monday mar 23: *facepalm* just realized that for maybe the first time since i was a teenager i completely failed to note the Ides of March.
* My mood tanked. had a very quiet day, not much social interaction.
* Did make myself get up, sort out the sewing machine, and sewed most of a dozen mask blanks together on three sides. Filmed part of the process and posted video to facebook. #covidclasses
* okay i guess in retrospect that was a fairly productive day.
* watched a video of the Northern Lights with Jeff. it had classical music and was incredibly restful, i felt my face relax while we watched it.
* watched more Korra, and started watching Sex Education on Netflix. I *really* like it, now that we're past the awkward high school pilot interactions. Definitely getting better the more of it I see.

Tuesday mar 24 Couples Therapy session on Zoom with Lara. NOtes: both feeling underappreciated, we need to talk more about chores and requests made of each other. I need better attention signals (my hearing and my ADHD) because Jeff feels disregarded when I miss his bids for attention. I mentioned needing more explicit versus implicit directions, which he didnt want to be responsible for, which is fair but i still need it. we talked about responding to one another with curiosity and patience vs reactivity and defensiveness.
* i wrote up the notes for the session into the google doc we are sharing with Lara (jeff wrote them up last time I think its a good idea if we alternate, both contributing, both taking responsibility)
* After therapy we took a drive out to get groceries. Jeff went in and I stayed in the car, listening to music and facebooking. He's healthier than i am and doesn't have the lung medical history I do.
* We made dinner together and ate, then went to the Tiny Blue Office for a virtual cocktail hour with the Duartes, Roger and Daniel, Mindy and Steve, Amy (GrlPurple), Rob and Laura (and their dogs). That was really nice, so nice it surprised me. I didn't realize that I missed the Duarte daughters!
* new insinkerator garbage disposal was delivered a day early! WOOOOOOOOt

Wednesday mar 25: had a morning Zoom workout with Etty. My first workout in a couple of weeks. I was tense as shit and my knee had been giving me pain from musculoskeletal tension.
* after the workout i had a mood crash, a sad/overwhelm.
* i need to eat more. i know, i KNOW that when i don't eat enough i have a mood crash, i've been hyperglycemic and then now formally diabetic for *years*
* Jeff installed the brand new insinkerator. It's very shiny and very quiet.
* I restored the undersink compartment to its previous storage-shelf self, and moved all the dishwashing infrastructure back into the kitchen.
* Jeff designed and 3d printed the components he needed to install the not-sodastream into the craft sink. Look! fizzy water in my house!
* I cooked salmon for dinner. it was yummy.

Thursday mar 26: Yesterday.
* sore as HELL from wednesday's workout. pectorals and ... i think theyre hamstrings, squatting and sideways moving muscles i need to look up the structure of the thigh because i need to be intentional about strengthening whatever they are. Because my knee doesn't hurt when that muscle is limber. #research goals #exercise goals
* reordered my Rx for levothroid and warfarin
* drove out to get more canned cat food, got curbside pickup at the vet. I paid verbally on the phone and they brought it out to the car when we arrived. also TIL that the Tesla control console screen will let you open the trunk while still in the car.
* Jeff made us a lovely LOVELY lamb dinner, and I enjoyed eating it BUT i must MUST REMEMBER to take my probiotics EVERY TIME i eat an unusual protein because my bowels HATED their job

which brings us up to today

Friday, mar 27. Had another workout with Etty, despite interruptions from phone-battery crash and digestive upset, I feel like it went really well. Since the gym is actually closing for the duration of this coronavirus epidemic, Etty and I need to work out a new payment method. She has two methods I don't have, and I have two methods SHE doesn't have, hahaha.
* leftover steak for lunch and one or two of those mcvities chocolate digestives that are just SO COMFORTING with the last of my tea
* my fingertips/cuticles are starting to crack and peel again. i have a couple of spots that are bleeding, and the manicure i got with Amy and Joanne before the SHIP started has been peeling off. I think I would like to spend a little time exfoliating my hands, trimming up my cuticles, shaping the nails, and painting them again. P sure i have some nail polish remover around here.
* I want to start composting again. I'll work on diverting my green waste and find out if the garden center near us has any of the red roundworms, start up my worm bin again.
* I found some art cards that I can color in and I want to start sending art randomly to friends, and family.
* god WHY AM I SO BAD AT PHONE CALLS i have a voicemail from my sister that's like four days old and short videos from my sisterinlaw that are nearly that old that i haven't watched. UGHHHHHH

Thanks for sticking with me through this long-ass post. I'm going to try again to subscribe to all-yall so i get notices when you post.

sending love and immunity-strengtheners,

Liz
labelleizzy: from lj user= angelbob (creative resourceful sane)
Saturday, February 8th, 2020 08:20 pm
Ten things makes a post.

1. Jeff and I started to take a drawing class together at the local community college. Third class was today and I'm really liking it so far!

2. Things are going better for me and him re: my own headspace and also re: the old resentments and unhappiness we've both been lugging around. He actually suggested that I should go ahead and make the appointment for couples counseling, and that he'd go.

3. Also, there's a new man in my life. He's patient and kind and he thinks I am adorable, sexy, curvy and kind and he tells me so using both his words and his body. I like him a LOT. And he's been really kind, sweet, and patient with me while I needed it. (Our last date was hot, and I needed that. Amazing.)

4. My brain is bad at scheduling and remembering scheduling, but we're going to try to see each other again soon. Yay!

5. Also on the my memory isn't great, Kaiser wouldn't do anything further on ADHD evaluation, so they signed me up for a memory evaluation. Which, okay, yay? Except it's in the geriatric department, so I Feel Some Feelings about that. I'm only FIFTY!

6. ALSO I need to get fitted for hearing aids, this tinnitus is driving me nuts... Also some other hearing related bullshit, dammit.

7. I made bread from scratch! And it was tasty and Jeff and Joanne liked it too. Jenn's recipe and technique, I like this!

8. I'm going to open DW in a Chromebook tab next time I open the laptop so I can come read about y'all's lives. I've been failing in that regard of late and I need to do better.

9. The drawing class we are in gives me faith that soon I'll be able to tackle some of the fanart I've wanted to make for AGES as gifts to authors I love, and THEN I get to learn how to post images on AO3, and after THAT I get to learn podficcing and digital art techniques. Which maybe Jeff will know more than me and can give me tips like I can give him tips with pencil and paper art.

10. I have so many stories to finish! I have so many story fragments and works in progress and while I love writing, it is HARD Work and I am DISTRACTIBLE. *sigh* I can do this.

I can do this.

PS the cat is cute as ever and says hello and "mom if you're going to sit there I'm going to groom you *lick lick lick*"
labelleizzy: (Default)
Friday, December 27th, 2019 12:04 pm
Our families hurt us.

For some lucky bastards this isn't true... And this is an insomnia-post, where it's the middle of the night and I feel like I'm having some great insight...

One. Our families hurt us by actually lashing out, actually setting out to hurt us.

Two. Our families hurt us by not providing what we need to thrive, at a young enough age where we can't actually express what we need, or to ask for it.

Three. There's as many reasons why as there are suffering families.

Four. Whatever we don't find healing for, we continue to propagate outwards, in our sibling relationships, intimate and romantic relationships, work and friend relationships. In our political opinions.

Five. Once we start recognizing and healing that wound, we can recognize that wounding in others. Sometimes that means we can help someone else to start healing or continue healing. Sometimes...Not. Sometimes the best that knowledge can do for us is to help us avoid people who will make our original suffering worse.

Six. It's complicated. Smarter people than me have studied this EXTENSIVELY.

And it's stupid o'clock in the morning, and I'm going back to bed now.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Thursday, December 12th, 2019 03:55 pm
Back to therapy today, because I have been so frustrated with the psychotherapist no wait psychiatrist at Kaiser and her b******* unhelpful attitude. We talked about that for a bit, and then Laura also had some specific and concrete suggestions for things I can do to help my organization, she suggested an executive functioning coach, which I did not know that was a thing. She also said I should be able to self-refer within Kaiser for the mental health department. Or to complain or appeal the decision to not give me further testing for ADHD. She said there is wellness coaching available at Kaiser which should be for free and that the wellness coaching is CBT oriented and happens by way of the telephone. She also thought that doing some kind of brain training might be useful and mentioned biofeedback as a possibility? Especially if I don't want to try and go on to medication for the ADHD.

She also suggested that I might find it easier to stay engaged in writing, by using different writing modes. Which I already do, for example right now I'm using speech to text, occasionally I will hand write things, and I'll use my phone, or the laptop depending on circumstances. She recommended something called snowflake. Which I'm going to have to look up, but it sounded vaguely familiar and like it might prove useful especially for outlining and organizing ideas.
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Wednesday, November 13th, 2019 09:18 pm
I've now invited two strangers in australia to read my fic.

I'd ask what in the hell am I thinking but I'm pretty sure I know. They asked, I offered. I may never know if they did read it, but I certainly am proud of my work. Not ashamed.

curious.

I recommended "Pest Control" to Jeff's co worker who asked after my Marvel fic tonight. At least the slashfic is outside that fandom. *shrug*
labelleizzy: (Default)
Wednesday, September 4th, 2019 02:30 pm
From October 12th, 2018, 03:28 pm
Inktober/wordtober/poem a day
The prompt was "Nessie" but I'm taking this somewhere else underwater.

Longing.

Have you ever been shamed for what you craved? Has your longing ever been pointed out as wrong or weird or twisted or broken or an imposition or something unnecessary?

I have. I've been shamed for wanting things, for wanting experiences, for wanting people. And I don't think that was right. And most days I'm okay, most days it feels like I'm over it, but today is not one of those days.

The thing about a longing is it doesn't come out of your mind. It's not a thought. It wells up from deep in your belly, deep in your heart, or dare I say it, spirit or soul. You can't talk yourself out of a longing.

You can hold yourself quiet about it, can keep the surface of your personal pond pristine and peaceful. Still, underneath the surface something lives, something moves, something travels. Something roils the water beneath the surface.

And there are days where I can no longer bear to live on the quiet pristine peaceful surface. On a day like today, I sink below to the Deep places, where the water presses through my flesh and into my bones.

I sink down to the deep mud churned places, where I can finally breathe.



2)
KILROY WAS HERE
(probably 2015)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/16903659

...and it takes place after the end of the world.

Oh god, we were SO FUCKING STUPID.
So naive.

those long discussions around the campfire or around the HDTV, cold beers in our hands, hot nachos in the fucking microwave, laughing and joking about the fucking "zombie apocalypse". How we would have this job or that job, how we would hole up in a Costco store, because it would have everything we'd need to survive and even enjoy life after the world ended. The skills we already had or could learn quickly in order to be valuable enough to win our way into someone else's fortified stronghold.

We had NO IDEA. We had NO IDEA what we really needed, what we really knew how to do, how fucking SOFT we were.
How much EVERYTHING would hurt. How much WORK just bloody EVERYTHING would take, how much thinking and planning and acquiring.

How much FEAR. Terror. Absolutely shit-your-pants terror.

We used to say, "I'd get a really good knife, and really good boots, and this kind of backpack and that kind of rifle" without really understanding.
What happens when your knife gets dull? Well, you sharpen it. How do you sharpen it? Do you KNOW how? do you have the right tools? can you recognize something else you could improvise as a blade sharpener, if you run across it? and can you use that blade, even dull, to do what you must to survive another day? It's hard work, gutting a carcass, butchering an animal for meat...

Same goes, obviously, for the REST of all our dumb-shit assumptions about how privileged and lucky and SKILLED we were.

What happens if someone TAKES your tools from you? Those books you treasured, that were the reason why you thought you'd gain admission into someone's guarded bolthole? The boots, the knife, even your CLOTHES. What happens if you're not strong enough to protect them? To hold onto them?

Knowing how to brew beer isn't very valuable when there's not enough fucking FOOD. Nobody really cares about booze when they're starving. Knowing how to bake bread is useless, so are gardening skills, if you can't settle down anywhere longer than a week or two for fear of the scavengers. Wildcrafting is a blessing, and I'm glad every day for what I learned from my beloved Girl Scout Leader, of all things. What she taught me when I was fourteen makes the difference now between hungry and starved to death.

I'm always hungry now, I'm always worried about getting hurt bad enough so I can't run anymore. I haven't had any of my meds in over two years, I've got half a tube of neosporin left and fuck-all chance of scoring any more. I'm getting slower, I hurt more often, I'm lonely as fuck. I'll never stop grieving my husband and my home and the comforts I once took for granted, but I just don't have any fucking TIME to FEEL. Every moment has to be spent in working out how am I going to survive this day, food, water, shelter, taking care of myself, whether I can trust anyone at all. Despair would dog my footsteps if Despair could keep up with me. I move fast for an old broad. Fuck that, I move fast period.

What the fuck am I even doing? Who am I even writing this for? I have no idea who's going to read it, but I'm stuck here anyway till it's dark and I can sneak away through the shadows. Might as well, I guess.
heh.
One thing my shitty childhood was good for. Learning how to hide, to sneak, to find all the places nobody would think to look for me. No, I'm not sharing my secrets. Find your own damn bolthole. Oh. Heh. If you're reading this, I guess you DID find your own bolthole, just that I was here first. Hi.

I'd tell you to keep the faith, but I don't think anyone has faith in anything but themselves anymore. I'd tell you to keep up hope, but I know you know that's a stupid, useless thing to say. I can tell you I'm thinking about you, because it's true. Random Stranger Reading This, I hope you're less hungry and less alone than I am. RSRT, I hope you have someone or something to love and take care of. RSRT, try to be kind. My only happy memories from the last two years are of random kindnesses. Someone scratched directions to a waterhole that hadn't gone dry. Someone left bedding in a bolthole. Someone left the last few pieces of fruit on a tree... that might not have been kindness, that might have been someone who was too big to climb out onto those thin whippy branches at the top of the tree... someone little like me could still get up and out to them.

Once, back in the day, I was fat and prosperous and happy. I thought I was ugly, being fat, I had NO fucking IDEA. I was so lucky then. I was loved, and safe, and pampered and treasured, and I had no idea. Now I'm tiny, wiry, strong, and fast. I have had to be, to survive.

Random Stranger Reading this, despite everything, have hope. Life may be shit right now, but if we all keep going, something has GOT to get better. Maybe I've been off my meds too long, and this is a manic episode, maybe it's just I've exhausted all my fear and I don't fucking have time for anything that doesn't keep me going.

I do have hope. I don't know why, but I do.

It's almost dark now, I can barely see to write, so it's time to pack up and head out silently to my next bolthole.

I hope you can pass some hope along to the next person you meet, and I hope they're worthy of you trusting them.

Good luck, and gods' speed to you.

"kilroy"

Logged reading time: 7:30


3)
poem: Building Strength
(2:30)

why is it painful to let go of unhelpful words?
perhaps these were once upon a time, protectors,
the words bookworm, nerd, gimp, weakling.
the belief that if it was hard, I wasn't meant to do it...
if I were meant to do it, it would surely come naturally?

i can't seem to get my glasses clean
to see my own Self in the mirror
to understand my own wingspan
or the extent of my reach
or how far I can leap

hamstrung by my blindness
the persistence of memory
self image of pale, soft, weak, fearful
but there is so much more to me
than what I used to be

Am I strong? Yes. Am I smart? Yes.
Am I capable? Yes. Am I flexible? Yes.
Am I kind? Yes.
Am I soft?

*smile* Yes, I am soft.
Soft like a pillow at naptime, and comfortable.
Soft like silk sheets, and strong like them too.

Am I brave?
Yes.
Could I write were I still fearful?
Yes, ... but I wouldn't show my heart, were I still fearful.

I don't deal in trivialities.
I want the blood, and the bone, and the sweat,
I want the gritted teeth and the grunts of effort.

I step beyond old useless protectors.
I make myself stronger from the inside
I stand strong

I do not need the deflections of nerd, gimp, weakling.

I see the world as it is and as I would have it
and I reach out my hands
to begin shaping the world
A strong, kind, smart, compassionate world

and my strong hands
will shape it

NOTES: Good audience attention and faces.
Kit said, "damn you got some tasty brains!"
Jeff said, "good pieces!"

Jen and Andrew, Sean and Julia, Suzie and Bala, Mindy and Steve, Jeff and Daniel,
Kit and Amy, all attended!!!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Wednesday, May 22nd, 2019 07:18 pm
Retweet with something the person you were five years ago would be proud of about you now. ([profile] ph_d_epression)

Me five years ago had barely started seriously writing fiction. Now I have 100+ people who have subscribed to my stories that are WIP, and am on speaking terms with several of the writers I most fiercely admire. #writerlife #amwriting #proudofmyself #fictionwriter
labelleizzy: (Default)
Thursday, May 9th, 2019 02:23 pm
Hard for me to believe that I haven't posted anything here about Otter yet.

My, our, beloved Big Kitty, Mister Man, My Tail, has gone Home. I'll be making more posts because I want to keep what I wrote on Facebook somewhere indexable/taggable, and that's here.

Today I'm about ready to head into therapy, and I have more social stuff scheduled for the rest of the weekend the weekend, would usually helps. All right more soon.
labelleizzy: (do it dammit)
Tuesday, March 5th, 2019 06:10 pm
Hey y'all!

Three things makes a post, so:

1) got my cranky old lady calico to the vet for annual shots and checkup and ultrasound of her bladder, of course she yelled and complained a lot but now she's home and asleep with nails "manicured". We're gonna start clicker training soon.

2) FINALLY took my car to get the annual oil change et cetera, three months late but DONE. Maybe someday I will get her vacuumed.

And 3) yesterday I received a writing commission! My first, from Fandom Trumps Hate. 5K words in exchange for a donation to Trans Lifeline, and it's for the Agent Carter fandom! If y'all like that show and wanna help me think of ideas for Peggy and Howard being ridiculously smart clever People Founding SHIELD I'll add you in the credits. <3 (deadline for publishing is Dec 31 this year!)
labelleizzy: (Default)
Thursday, January 17th, 2019 02:21 pm
Heading into therapy in a minute, had my first coffee date in over a year this morning. I didn't realize until the last week, I have been really lonely, and I have been telling myself a story about why, for years.

I just signed back up with OkCupid, completely reinvented my dating profile and took away how I used to express myself in talking about the past.

And suddenly I'm talking a lot with really nice fun sympatico people. And at the moment I'm sat here in the car crying before therapy for how long I felt like that was not going to be a possibility; for the story that I told myself that I was unwanted and unwelcome; and how old that story is... it goes back to my childhood.

But! But my coffee date today went great! we both want to see each other again, he seems like an honestly good human being. And I have two other folks who both want to see me and I want to meet them! one of them works like walking distance away from my house! The other one is younger and sweet.

I have a really good feeling about this. It's time to look to the Future.
labelleizzy: (runes)
Thursday, December 20th, 2018 11:30 pm
Tonight i started my occasional reread of The Dark Is Rising, that iconically witchy and spooky Newbury Award winner...

as the kids say these days
#mood

thinking back on the rest of the year, I have to admit that some really good things got done.
rephrase.
I DID some really good things. Some hard things.

possibly one of the hardest things i did was to really write a proper apology for something I said and did when i was sixteen, dumb and lonely and hurting. I lashed out at someone from that place, someone who I thought was part of my hurting but it turned out, not.

we connected on facebook sometime in the last year and a half or so. and I wound up offering an apology, and sharing the WHY of me hurting him intentionally, because i had done that, and I hoped that having context would help him let go of any lingering bullshit from that moment in time.

turns out, I'd only ever spoken about this to therapists. well. therapist. And now that #metoo has entered the global lexicon, it finally felt safe to speak of it, where I felt so much shame about being bullied in the particular way that led me to lash out at E.

i've been describing the release of sharing that story, as like when you get a long deep redwood splinter in your hand. and you work for awhile and you get MOST of the splinter out but the tail end is still stuck in there for AGES and it gets infected and it's painful and you just have to work around it for a long time.

and then one day, you wash your hands in just the right way, and that last bit gets released. Adn you can work it free, finally, and finally you can heal the infection, work out the scar tissue. Un-adapt all the habits you built because that fucking splinter had (I have a momentary reluctance to own this word for my situation but) WOUNDED you.

the particular type of bullying and the story i told around it at the time opened the door wider for me to be in abusive romantic relationships for *counts* at least 10 years? Probably longer.

that splinter is GONE, now.

and I told E. he didn't have to reply to my story but that I hoped he'd accept my apology.

and Elizabeth Regnant, self-crowned, walks out from the shadows and into the light, claiming the throne and crowning myself.

I had so much power and I had no idea.
I had so much potential and I couldn't see it.
I was bound for so long by the stories the world told about me.

I am not bound.
I understand my potential.
My power is clear and near at hand.

I am the storyteller.
Old women are the keepers of the stories.
Old women are the truth tellers.
Old women don't tolerate bullshit, and we enunciate clearly when the emperor has no clothes.
Storytellers are dangerous, we change worlds.
We heal. We make things right, even if just in the story.
We break things in the story so that everyone can recognize the brokenness in their homeworld.

Storytellers are full of power. In some ways of thinking, it's the only power.
If you tell the stories and people believe them, those stories change lives.
Stories... are everything.

every belief system is made of stories. every political movement is made of stories.
every human relationship is made of stories.

See the stories clearly.
Tell the stories wisely.
Demonstrate your love and your understanding through your stories.
Don't fling them about frivolously.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Tuesday, November 13th, 2018 06:04 pm
i have 888 bookmarks on Archive Of Our Own. woot!

i have 30 stories posted on Archive Of Our Own, most of them complete!

i have 8,095 words written for nanowrimo, woot!

I wrote 3000 words over two days, woot!

I just invented the word "dildoish"!

I wrote a sex scene hot enough that I had to go get myself off. Woot! :D

I'm grinning like an idiot and yeah.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Friday, October 12th, 2018 03:28 pm
The prompt was "Nessie" but I'm taking this somewhere else underwater.

Longing. Have you ever been shamed for what you craved? Has your longing ever been pointed out as wrong or weird or twisted or broken or an imposition or something unnecessary?

I have. I've been shamed for wanting things, for wanting experiences, for wanting people. And I don't think that was right. And most days I'm okay, most days it feels like I'm over it, but today is not one of those days.

The thing about a longing is it doesn't come out of your mind. It's not a thought. It wells up from deep in your belly, deep in your heart, or dare I say it, spirit or soul. You can't talk yourself out of a longing.

You can hold yourself quiet about it, can keep the surface of your personal pond pristine and peaceful. Still, underneath the surface something lives, something moves, something travels. Something roils the water beneath the surface.

And there are days where I can no longer bear to live on the quiet pristine peaceful surface. On a day like today, I sink below to the Deep places, where the water presses through my flesh and into my bones.

I sink down to the deep mud churned places, where I can finally breathe.
labelleizzy: "hate is easy, love takes courage" (love takes courage)
Tuesday, October 9th, 2018 02:17 pm
the prompt for day 9 is "Spider Baby" but I looked that up on Wikipedia and reading the entry is plenty enough horror/scary for me. So from me, you get Spider instead, today.

Spider:
I know you,
I know how you move.
That skitter-pause, skitter-pause
Or the swoop-swoop-swoop of the daddy-longlegs.
*
Spider, I know you.
Your webs are annoying
and also beautiful.
Deadly, and a reminder
of how life has rhythms of birth and death,
of feeding and being consumed.
*
You are tiny. Usually.
Why do folks fear you so?
What makes the shudder go down their spines?
*
I mean no shame
to those with a full blown fear
but I trained myself to be kind
when my mother mentioned you eat mosquitoes.
(because MOSQUITOES, ugh)
*
I use the cup and paper to relocate you
I deal with your incursions in my house
and I roll my eyes at the giant fake spiderwebs for Halloween.
*
I am not afraid of you. <3