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labelleizzy: (Default)
Wednesday, October 7th, 2020 12:59 pm
ten things make a post, so:

* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.

High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.

* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).

* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.

* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.

*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb

...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.

* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.

* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!

* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.

* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.

* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
Wednesday, September 16th, 2020 11:44 am
Sleep not great, woke up a bit cranky and off kilter. In the process of dressing for my Zoom call with Etty for the workout, I hit an emotional wall.

Jeff was still in bed and I needed socks anyway so I grabbed socks and climbed into the bed and pressed my head against his side. Startled, he said "what's wrong?"
I said something like, "I'm having some feelings and I don't want to put them into words, I'm just going to stay here a minute till things get better."

And he didn't say anything else, and he let me, and when I felt better I crawled back out of bed for my workout.

Last night I had a moment of feeling very nourished and seen by friends. We're having a regular Zoom call about life purpose and figuring our shit out. I can't remember exactly what the brainweasels started telling me but Gem (a new friend who's joining our pandemic pod after months of solo-podding) she noticed my face or my posture, and the way she asked what's up, however she phrased it, made it somehow easier to describe how the brainweasels hit me with a kibosh suddenly and I was in a spiral.

Then she shared that she too has been having brainweasel spirals and offered if I wanted, she'd be willing to listen and let me talk it out.

And I believe her. That I could ping her and we could talk.

It's already easy to be sad or despairing RN. Spiraling is easy. Believing it's okay to ask someone if I can talk to them about it, that's hard. Always has been.

Change is good. Breaking old ruts and old expectations is good. New friends and old who ask authentic questions and feel safe to talk to and share feelings, is good.

I think I'm going to ask Jeff to stop asking "what's wrong?" Instead I'm going to ask him to ask, "what's up?" One word may make a lot of difference and not feel like he's making assumptions of crisis or fix-it, because I mostly just need someone to listen. And let me talk. I don't get to do that much lately, and it helps me process when I can do that.

Okay brain empty for now! 😂😂😂