labelleizzy: (networking)
Hi there.

This is where you should comment if you know me IRL or perhaps have met me via a community here on LJ.
I'm not averse to having new Friends, and you are welcome to add my journal. Usually I will read some of your journal first before deciding whether to add your journal to my filters.

A few posts are public so people can see if they like my writing.

(June 11, 2007)
(Edit October 10, 2009)
labelleizzy: (Default)
fear. and abundance. and enoughness, and not-enoughness.
OR: I am Not Enough.


i realized this morning that there's some kinds of beauty that I think of as Not Allowed.
or Not For Me.

some kinds of Happiness that I think of as Not Allowed, or Not For Me.

part of me said, "why do i... it doesn't matter WHY just that I somehow figure out how to Allow myself"
then I backtracked and said, "no, the WHY *DOES MATTER* because I want to untangle this and then not allow it to happen again."

I want to ALLOW MYSELF ALL THE KINDS OF HAPPINESS and not think that I must prevent myself from x y or z because I am ME and something about ME-NESS means than I don't Get To Have Nice Things.

watching the koi as I fed them I realized I think of them as Jeff's joy, his calm, his happiness. And I caught myself saying, I must be businesslike, I'm not allowed to enjoy this, to enjoy watching them move, the peace of their deep swim and their curved bodies, I should be done with the task of feeding them and then move on...

like, that's so fucked up??? brain, WTF???

i often talk about abundance mentality but i don't know how to talk about DESERVING. And I apparently am either convinced I don't deserve nice things, or I'm afraid of getting nice things.

last night might have meant more hugs and cuddles, but I was afraid of getting in the way of my friends having hugs and cuddles with each other. they'd already been including me in their hugs and cuddles, and their sex jokes.

maybe I didn't need to rush home. I have shame about sex, and not knowing ... I can't even wrap words around what the shame is. It's deep and sorrowful and angry and resentful and *ugly cry*

maybe i could have had more hugs and cuddles. maybe it would have even moved into enough of a sensual place that I could hope for partnered satisfaction. (IT'S BEEN SO LONG.)

OKAY. I'm gonna call that enough wallowing for right now. If there's a chance, there's probably still a chance. I'm going to trust that I will someday be able to have what I want and need.

I mean, there's definitely hope. my friend S is a cute cuddly person and at the party friday night they were snuggling up to me and when I started making noises about leaving they cuddled back up to me and said,
"I wanna ask you something, but I'm nervous"
which is kind of funny to me because they're pretty brash and loud
so i said, of course, you can ask me anything!
and they said, "May I kiss you?"

and it was such a joyful thing to me, to be asked, in a comfortable affectionate respectful way, and I trust them so I was open to the idea,
and I said, with a giant grin, yes, you can (or yes, please, I forget how I phrased it)

And it was a nice kiss. No fireworks, but you could kind of see how maybe it would build to fireworks?

maybe I don't suck as bad as I think I do. I think my brain is an asshole, and my brain has a longstanding training of not believing people want me, in a going to bed kind of way.

okay.
I recognize that the training exists. I also understand that retraining is possible.
okay.
okay.
this is gonna be scary but I want to do this.

i'm fuckin' tired of not believing I'm ENOUGH enough to be wanted.

there's two possible places right there just this weekend, which might work out to be rewarding in that kind of way. I can start there, and pull on other threads for cuddle friends, and network it in together enough.

ok. I'm just gonna put it here:
I want a big, messy, passionate, laughing, juicy love life, and I want it to be enough that my heart stops hurting, and I want it to feel normal.


ok. Stuff I gotta do. more later. <3 peace!

#metoo

Oct. 17th, 2017 01:41 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
Re: the #metoo
I wonder whether perps of sexual assault even recognize that they're perps. Do they justify and normalize their behavior to themselves? Do they bury what they did deep in their brains? Are they ashamed, or proud of what they did? Do they feel powerful? Or does it matter most to them that they got their jollies/an orgasm out of it?

As a teen I used to not know better than to dump my anger/rage/shame off onto other people. It was a relief to let it go, but I was ashamed because I knew that wasn't how I should treat people. I had to learn how to do better, and it's taken many years. I still fuck up.

Research into bullying and social dynamics is in progress, it's been a long road. Start where you are. Learn to feed yourself so YOU don't make the problem worse. Lashing out makes it worse. Dumping responsibility for your actions onto someone else, makes it worse.

Reaching out and making connection, makes it better. Learning more about others, practicing kindness, self regulation, and community building, makes it better.

Add other ideas in the comments about what YOU can do to make it better.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I dreamed I was a teenager and that I woke up with appendicitis, or something that blew up my low left belly in a painful distended lump. (I knew I was a teenager because my belly was small and flat and the lump was distinct, painful-tender and hot to the touch)

I called for my dad to help me out of bed and said, "I need to go to the hospital" and he helped me sit up (I didn't know that I remembered his hands) but then he left and found a lot of other things he had to do before he could take me... He didn't listen when I talked to him, and the pain in the dream was enough that I couldn't walk properly.

When I woke to go to the bathroom, the physical sensations from the dream had me bent over and hobbling to protect my belly for several steps till I touched my belly and it was fine, didn't hurt.

I know my brain got the belly-pain from my recent gastritis/incredibly painful gas that wouldn't pass for days. Don't wanna think about where I got the lonely-he-refuses-to-listen part.

I'm definitely feeling sad today. It's probably partly from whatever brought up a dream like that... But too, California is still burning, and that acts on my mind at a subconscious level.

I'm going to set up some social time with my people for the next two weeks so I have something to look forward to. Hopefully that will help me feel better.
labelleizzy: (Default)
hi there brains!

(I've been watching a lot of How to ADHD on YouTube lately.)

funny you should ask, yes I have been learning more about adhd recently. Last week I asked my primary care physician about what kind of referral I would need to explore possible medication for adhd. she checked her email at around 10:30 pm, which I give her a lot of credit for, and told me she had set up a referral with psychiatry for adhd testing for me and an intake with one of the docs over there.

so today was testing in the morning. I had a chance to grab a slice of pumpkin pie and my emergency instant coffee on my way out the door.

i got there on time! v. excite!

had an intake form briefly asking how often I dealt with various symptoms. Losing possessions, failure to calendar things, I can't remember exactly what was on the list BUT I can add a photo of it to this post after I'm done.

*insert photo here*

The test itself was a click-the-mouse test. you were meant to hit the space bar anytime a letter flashed on the screen. except X, you were supposed to ignore X.

holy shit. once I knew what the test was I said "oh dear lord" I almost said, fucking kill me now. (and I never really say that)

I had to do that shit for fifteen minutes straight and it was fucking EVIL.

i'll get my results in a week to 10 days but I'm already working under the premise that I have this thing i have too many symptoms in the DSM-5 to NOT have it. I'm dang curious about the medication now though.

i just wanna take care of myself better, take care of Jeff and my house and the cats better. Wanna finish projects and hopefully focus better to finish my writing and other creative projects (I have some short sexy fic up on Archive of our Own that I'm pretty proud of, and more in the pipeline, it's just tough to finish.)

love and miss all yall, hopefully you are well and taking good care of yourselves.

I'll try to be back soon.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Thoughts jumbled a bit. Better when I don't eat too much sugar. Blood tests came back recently with higher blood sugars than we want. I need to get back in the habit of testing my blood regularly so I can have actual records.

The ADHD has been kinda kicking my butt. I think the two statements are related actually. I'm still getting regular exercise minimum of twice a week, some weeks three times. Asked for advice from friends on FB, got some good ideas.

Social life is looking up, multiple people who want to have lunch on the somewhat regular and maybe more? Bradd, Paul, Matt, and Bill, possibly Kimberly, and Steve called out of the blue and snagged me for lunch update next week, so that's going to be fun too.

Writing is going well. My most recent piece is getting lots of hits, kudos, and (gasp) even comments! I love omgcheckplease, the fandom is so passionate! Having so much fun with it over there.

That's the short update because I'm on mobile. Ask me, if you've got any questions, eh?

Hope y'all are well,I haven't been doing much reading of late because I have been trying to help friends navigate their medical/surgical stuff.
labelleizzy: (crafting)
y'all, if you've broken yourself and you still have pain, may I recommend seeing a good chiropractor?

*emphasis on GOOD*

I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)

Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.

tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.

y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!

and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.

I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.

but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.

healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.

I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.

Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.
labelleizzy: (Default)
This morning I wake up and at least my hand isn't swollen and I can basically close my fingers into a fist. The last two joints of the pinky are still swollen and sore and my ring finger is sore and doesn't want to curl up completely. Shoulders are tight, glad I've been spending the time with the theracane under my shoulder blade and the back of my arm... consistently tight muscles back there, hurt. Have trouble putting my arms behind my back or doing any much back there especially anything that needs strength or precision. Today's Thursday and is better than earlier this week. Monday dance I made a point of trying to extend my arms out and back from the shoulder sockets and explore flexibility in dance context. My shit is still sore but a little bit better. It keeps swinging between fuck this hurts and well that almost doesn't hurt.
*Sigh* tired o all the PT I've been doing. Looking forward to seeing the chiropractor tomorrow, as he usually manages to release a ton of musculoskeletal tension for me and usually the pain is significant ly better for awhile. Pain sucks and I've been cracking my neck a couple of times per day. Shoulder has been hitching up and forward and it just throws me back into the cycle of pain.
labelleizzy: (hands)
Okay y'all, I was going through my posts to do with the car wreck of 12/31/16 where my wrist was broken and realized I haven't talked about it in quite some time.

I'm largely good. Still wouldn't call it 100%, and I've definitely still got some collateral damage that requires work and balancing, (muscle adhesions and stiffness and such stuff that developed further up the arm and shoulder from the initial injury and then from the immobilization) but I'm definitely functional. Call this halfway through month 8.

I can do most of the things I need to do in my life, but my shoulders get tired, tense and I got a couple of muscle knots that keep recurring under my shoulder blade. I've got some muscular tension under the ulna pretty well constantly, but it's more discomfort than pain. The pinky aches, like right now with typing, I can't hit the "p" or the quote mark with my pinky. I've adapted and use my ring finger instead. I'd definitely like to do that again, but I'm okay where I am right now.

I think I'm healed enough to go see my chiropractor, Larry, for the pain and inflexibility again. I'm hoping he can help me with the tendon on the last joint of the pinky. It feels like it's ... off track? does that make sense? Like there should be something to do that would click it back "in place" and then the mobility would be better and all.

Hand strength is pretty good, almost normal again. I can pull four plates at a time out of the dishwasher in each hand again! (that's so fun.) Still seeing our massage therapist twice a month and will for as long as she's still living locally. IDK what I'm gonna do if she actually does move away. Nadine is a motherfuckin' BEAUTY, a real treasure.

Still working out twice a week, everything's working there. My core strength, legs and back are in good shape, and I can hold myself up on my hands for some of the exercises. I can definitely hang from the TRX straps to do inverted rows and I LOVE that... I need to push myself back into yoga; last time I checked I could actually DO the basic inversions like Down Dog with only mild discomfort, and yoga is so good for the whole integration of my body, stretching and elongating *sigh* ... still trying to get out to dance at least once a week...

Got some more good stuff moving in my life, but I think I'll try and make that a separate post.

*waves bye so she can eat dinner and go to a dance meditation class*
labelleizzy: (Default)
I tried something new on Thursday evening.

for some reason I've been reluctant to participate in events run by a group that several people I know are pretty enthusiastic about. The group is called the Human Awareness Institute. (abbreviated as HAI.)

my therapist has been encouraging me to give them a try, it seems that for the kind of touch and affection that I've been craving in my life, this group has good results for a bunch of people.

Long story short; I've recently decided to try more new things for the first time. And I do have to allow for there will be some new things that I'm not gonna like.

Fair enough.

Got to help a friend with a burning man project for a couple hours after therapy. Went to grab a burger and fries after that, and then lost myself in the internet while eating, enough that I had to bolt outta Five Guys and still showed up 15 minutes after the start time of the darn thing. Great.

I did manage to just BE, on arrival, which is a triumph considering how socially anxious I used to be. (I have done a LOT of therapy.) They've got a friendly looking dude (I liked his vibe) helping do sign-ins and the speaker is already in process. I join a circle of chairs.

She has a pretty mellow presentation style, comfortably but nicely dressed, like she could easily do yoga or go out to a midrange restaurant in the same outfit. She's barefoot, we all are, we left our shoes at the door on request. It's definitely that kind of house.

it's a mild digression from the main thrust of this post to describe the decorating style of the living room; but there's a ton of statues and structures with Asian elements, from what I could tell from a blend of cultures. Stylish, classy, pretty expensive by my guess, but... a bit in the Ordered All My Furniture From Pyramid Collection aesthetic. I don't know. It didn't *bother* me, but it left an impression.

Okay. so we're listening as she talks a bit about what HAI does, their goal being to sort of love yourself into wholeness or something. (yes, I started out a bit skeptical.)

I'm feeling actually, like I'm pretty darn whole, I've just struggled to find healthy and happy poly relationships with people who we have mutual levels of interest and similar kinds of dating goals. And I've been a witch for over twenty years now, I've done a LOT of work on my soul wounds and childhood stuff, relationship stuff. Basically I've worked on all the ways I've ever been hurt or have hurt myself. It was a lot. I had touch averse emotionally distant parents and I was the only nerd in a neighborhood full of jocks. I was lonely and grew up HUNGRY in ways I, as a child, couldn't feed myself.

This has been a longstanding research project for me. A *lifetime* of research unlearning the habits that made me miserable, finding teachers and teaching myself more about how to be happy, content, how to ameliorate the places of need and heal the soul pains of my life.

ok.
Gosh, I kind of want to name and shame them by describing the kind of techniques they used to force us into intimacy with complete strangers.

There were several activities we worked on during the 75 minutes I was in attendance; there was a cycle of hugging and another cycle with an uncomfortable kind of "make eye contact with each person before clasping hands at chest level and then each of you kissed the other's hand", there was a kind of confession time where you partnered up and the script was, "if you really knew me, you'd know..." and then you make a series of stream of consciousness shares with your partner while they listen with attention; then you switch and you listen with attention while they share. The last thing that I can remember is a kind of touching exercise; you each take about five minutes to cup and stroke the other person's face. IDK if they were expecting me to hold eye contact during that; I ran out of eye contact spoons about halfway through.

(do neurotypical people have zero problems holding eye contact with someone else for long periods of time, +/- 5 minutes? Unless I know and trust someone I have trouble holding long eye contact with them.)

at the end of the alotted time our hostess collected us back into a circle and talked some more about the longer, full weekend HAI workshops. I was feeling weirdly ungrounded but still mentally present, and in this case took note of the cost of the weekend as being cheaper than one night in some of the places Jeff and I have stayed (they were NICE rooms okay) but I was feeling like the cost was still prohibitive.

like, I know if I wanted to, I *could* afford that weekend, but my gut feeling was saying, "nope that's too much".

I'm glad I trusted my gut feeling. I definitely didn't want to sign up for anything based on this artificial feeling squashing together of people who didn't know each other.

and I mean, I KNOW THAT you have to meet people before they can become friends, but ... okay. Let me fast forward to on my way home, for a second.

Okay. Driving home. Reflecting on the evening, and why do I feel uncomfortable. Ungrounded, a little like I'm floating above my own head. I am literally operating on autopilot, and I've got the gps in my little Prius going, and somehow I *still* am so lost in my own mind that I miss the freeway turnoff for my house.
Which I *rarely do*, but okay.

I'm *exhausted* when I circle round and actually get my car parked in front of my house. exhausted and *starving* which usually a greasy burger and fries will hold me three hours EASY.

I check my internal resources and I try to *ground*
and I ... like, there's almost nothing *there* to ground *with.*

WTF??

There's *always* something there. It may be sluggish, or it may be stuck, but I've *always* got plenty of "juice".

It's a bit like you're used to a Las Vegas neon display, but suddenly you look and all that's there is a few tired glowsticks scattered around instead.

I'll be honest. It feels like someone(s) in that workshop are energy vampires and I got fuckin' DRAINED.

I've never spent (or not in YEARS) so much time being forced into proximity without having some kind of buffer; social chit chat, physical space, the ability to go introvert for a little while if I needed to.
I've always been able to either ground or shield, or both as needed.

I'm not some N00B witch, I can shield damn well if I need to, I know how to protect myself energetically, but I didn't, because the nature of the exercise was, I thought, to foster a chance at intimacy.
(with strangers)

... I think they're either playing with forces they don't understand, or someone's, consciously or unconsciously, harvesting personal energy from people. Or maybe it was just me? IDK...

Like I got a very fluffy "love and light and we have the power to /love the world to wholeness/!" vibe off them, maybe, MAYBE they have the best intentions running the thing, and as the folks who've been doing it for a long time, the hosts all feel well grounded themselves.

... just UGH. no.

Not my bag. I have communities I can work within and call on for comfort, acceptance, hugs, positive kinds of eye contact, I do not think I will be returning to that community.

Instead I will return to my ecstatic dance community, try out the Contact Improv dance classes locally for physical touch and flexibility and challenge, and join the political action group that some friends from my ecstatic dance (Open Floor) community have started.

I will make more lunch dates. More art dates with friends, more activities that feed me in MY WAYS.
I will do more of the Witchy Shit (tm) that I love and that feeds me.

because yeah. That shit wasn't fun for me at all and I don't wanna do that again.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Words are my stock-in-trade. I use them to make things and to explore the world. I go to them to learn and be comforted and to figure life, or pain, or puzzles out.

I come from Livejournal/Dreamwidth, before Facebook, when words were always what you used to tell a writer you enjoyed, appreciated, or interacted with their work. This is well before the "like" functionality was implemented across the internet.

Complimenting artists on their art, writers on their stories, wasn't something I could do, growing up pre Internet as I did. And it's thrilling as hell to be able to, like, tag @dduane and say, "thank you, your books helped me through a painful, awkward childhood where I frequently felt lonely and unloved, and I remember them fondly thirty years later."

One of my favorite poets said she could live three weeks off a really good compliment and nothing else. :) Psychology has done studies on the need for praise and compliments in developing and maintaining a healthy emotional life.

We need them, compliments and praise, but we shy away from giving them. Why is that? I have theories, but this isn't the place and time for that right now. Let me tell you a very short story instead.

I dig tattoos, both in the same way that I love art generally, but in a deeper way too. I have several, am planning several more. Yesterday at the service center, the lovely young man who checked me in, very well mannered, had lovely forearm tattoos: greyscale roses twining around words. (I tried not to stare, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable)

So I'm admiring his art but didn't have the right kind of courage in that moment to tell him his art was lovely. The shading, the composition, the ballsiness of being a Hispanic dude in maybe his middle 20's with visible floral tattoos, all of these impressed me.

I'm waiting for the shuttle to take me home while they work on my car, reading on Tumblr, and I run across the why-guys-send-dick-pics thread, why women don't, and don't like them, how men don't receive compliments so women complaining about compliments is like the women are speaking in ancient Greek, incomprehensible. One comment that just nailed it was, "one person who's dying of thirst is watching someone who is drowning"

(digression:. if you find that extended thread/conversation, please tag me so I can keep it, or throw a link in comments to this? TYVM!)

And I thought, REAL compliments feed us. And I don't have students anymore who I can lift up in that way, but I do that with friends, and I do that on Facebook and Instagram and my other social media. And I do that for authors whose work I like (I need to make a long appreciative list tagging a bunch of y'all) and maybe, like my beloved friend Janice was doing years ago at Renfaire, I can start making a point of doing this in meatspace interactions again. Giving heart felt compliments. Nothing hollow, nothing that's got a hook in it, nothing manipulative.

Just a gift.

I mean, this thought passed through me in a flash, feeling nothing like it does now to write it all down.

And then the young man with the roses came through with a clipboard. "Oh, you're Liz, aren't you?" I smiled and nodded. "The shuttle's ready to take you home, have a good day," and I half blurt "oh thank you, and I hope you don't mind me saying? (He turns back, slightly surprised) That I love the shading on your rose tattoos. They're really beautiful!"

Folks, the LOOK on his face... I could see what ten year old him looked like when he was really happy. He looked for a flash like kids do when they catch a ball in the stands hit by their favorite player on their home team. He looked SO HAPPY, his smile changed his face completely.

I'm so glad I said something, that I got a second chance to put a look like that on someone's face.

This is a thing I vow to do more of again.

Compliments keep the soul alive in a world that's trying it's best to kill our souls with dread, fear, and despair.

You know: They lie when they say kind words cost nothing: they cost effort, and courage, and willingness to take the risk, ability to let go of an expectation of return. But I have the energy and the commitment and this is something that I can look for opportunities to put out into the world.
labelleizzy: from lj user= angelbob (creative resourceful sane)
I have personal habits that I've been struggling to improve for years. A lot of them have had to do with confidence in my interpersonal skills and knowledge.

Suddenly, after using this lovely new habit-tracker program (Habitica) my mind has been clear enough to recognize that I can "kill two birds with one stone."

Because I have also wanted for a long time to rededicate myself to the paganand Buddhist thoughts and practices that I find rewarding. And I have an idea about how to use one goal to reinforce the other. Move as a priest. Live and love as a priest of Home and Protection. Sanctify my own gestures and actions in the world, and make that my habit of thought and deed.

It's a worthy goal anyway, and one worth working towards.
labelleizzy: (Default)
We spend too long being annoyed or frustrated with each other between times where we actually TELL each other that we're annoyed and/or frustrated.

It does neither of us any good to build our shells around ourselves and then bonk our shells together.

What I want is for us to break open the shells and rebuild so that we're both inside the same space, working together.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Some days my heart just hurts. Like, there's not a damn reason I can think of that it should, it just does, and I have to just suck it up and deal.
labelleizzy: (Default)

Find your wounds.

Acknowledge them. Be gentle with yourself.

Do what you can to heal them, and to get out of whatever you live with resulting from malice and anger towards you.

Cultivate friends you can laugh loudly with. Hopefully those are the same friends who you can cry on.

Be a friend who people trust enough that they’ll cry on you.

Love yourself into wholeness, in as many ways you can find to do it.




labelleizzy: (Default)
I was brave tonight in a very momentary, very specific, bodies are weird kinda way.

I heard myself consider the two alternative options lightning fast and then chose the least wasteful option because I only had a second to choose.

And it worked, and my body resettled itself, and I finished the rest of my tasks.

I just wanted to say that I'm proud of myself for sucking up the awkward decision and that my body came through like a champ for me.
labelleizzy: (Default)
getting over a nasty sinus infection that settled in my chest. Again.

it got bad enough this weekend that I couldn't sleep and my abdominal muscles started locking up after the violence of the spasmodic coughing.

never again will I wait so long before seeking help.

One: I have two kinds of bronchial inhalers, I will use BOTH, I will remember that I HAVE both and will use both when I start getting in trouble.

Two: one night of no-sleep is the dealbreaker now. One night, then get the doctor.

Three: try and figure out wtf is the problem with my head (I know, my mom was like this too) that makes it so I'd rather harm myself literally than perceive that I was disappointing other people.

Four: the doctor is there to help preserve your health and life. they're not put out when you go to see them with an actual problem, and if they are, then you need to see another doctor.

Five: crowdsourcing your health advice is a not-horrible option when you have people who actually do give a shit about you and not just posting clever quips. (My friends DO give a shit, I've seen other people get much less helpful comments, the bastards)

Six: saying I CAN'T BREATHE WELL if true, is an excellent way to get taken seriously with my HMO.

Seven: My HMO did good work again, I'm just saying.

Eight: it's time to write down all the meds I'm taking and when, so I can make sure to take ALL OF THEM (I forgot to do the inhalers till well around dinner time and it wasn't very fun.

Nine: More water, more hydration, and I want to go pick up some of that guaifenisin stuff to add to the regimen; and I need to get more sleep.

10: I'll be done with the antibiotics by this time next week but I need to keep using the inhalers through the first week of August (21 days since onset, minimum)

Ten things make a list, ergo a blog post. Sorry this is boring, glad I'm not dead (or suffering like I was before).
labelleizzy: (Default)
That feel when there's a... Something, under the skin of my lip. It may be a pimple someday, right now it feels like someone's implanted a slightly squishy ball bearing in the middle of my upper left lip and I can't seem to stop fussing at the thing.

Bodies can be so weird.
labelleizzy: (check please shitty)
Story Title: Open The Bottle, Dex
Fandom: Check, Please! (webcomic)
Link(s):check it out on the AO3
Summary:
Warnings: None. Teenage hockey boys falling in love (or realizing they HAVE fallen)
Characters: Will (Dex) Poindexter, Christopher (Chowder) Chow, Derek (Nursey) Nurse
Pairings: Nursey/Dex/Chowder
When I Started: Last year, summer of 2016, as a prompt!fic on Tumblr
How I Lost My Shit: I just got... most of the way done, then stopped. Recently have been diagnosed with ADHD and am practicing habits of Completing What I Start by finding ways to be held accountable.
How I Finished My Shit: I joined WIP Big Bang and I finished by July 14 "because I said I would", thus holding myself accountable by promising someone else I would finish it.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Homework: write list of affirmation (I am, Liz is, Lizzie, you are)

Lara wants me to write lists of affirmations, and she said by using different ways to access the brain new things can come to light. so, first person, third person, second person.

I've done something similar before in exercises to access my subconscious mind. Feri calls that part of us, Fetch, also known as Child-self. Fetch is the part of ourselves that cannot be accessed by words or logic, it's nonverbal, responds to and communicates by way of sensory input and feelings: colors, smells, texture, I like, I don't like, crying, laughing.

anyway. that's kind of a digression, but not entirely so.

and welp, I don't really have any idea how to do affirmations. We were doing some short breathing meditations on Thursday and she was talking me through it and one thing she said was to "celebrate your successes" and my brain just... like a needle scratch across a 45 record. Like those words, they didn't parse.

1) Celebrate ME?
and
2) I don't even know what success IS. How can I grasp it long enough to celebrate it, and note 1).

*sour face*

I know that is entirely the wrong way to go about this assignment. I'm okay with being stuck for the moment.

Arbitrarily I'm picking TEN as how many genuine affirmations I have to come up with. I'm going to go look up the proper definition, and I'm going to promise myself to not be weasel worded with my list.

I want to be authentic, and to really give myself a frame.

I spend entirely too much time in my head, chewing over all the ways I'm certain I've fucked up, broken things, made irredeemable or unforgivable mistakes. I'm not even very good at faking that I think I'm all that.

The one thing I have going for me right now with regard to my mental health, is my vivid memories of how shitty the inside of my head used to be, before therapy, before beloved friends taught me about community and ritual, before I learned some new coping skills and strategies to get around my constant mental noise and chaos.

I do know that I'm LOTS better than I was 20 years ago.
that can be my first affirmation, because it's definitely true.

I am healthier stronger and I cope much better with my life and my stress than I did 20 years ago (@ age 27)
I am proud of myself for my commitment to my own physical fitness, health and well being. Go me!
I am in love with moving my body in beautiful and pleasurable ways.
I am looking forward to growing older in strength, passion, and my hopes to help fix the world.

Liz is learning to balance generosity with self care and not be a fucking martyr.
Liz is no longer in love with or clinging to her own pain.
Liz is worth someone wanting to get to know her and share dreams together.
Liz is getting over her fear of trying new things that she nonetheless WANTS (yay ukelele! yay dating!)

Lizzie, you are kind and generous and you're learning to be gentle.
Lizzie, you are welcome in the world, there is space for you to contribute and be useful and loved.
Lizzie, you are big hearted and creative, with a million ideas and possible solutions.
Lizzie, you are continuing to forge your own path and it's gonna be hard, but you can definitely do this thing.


I have a community. I have a safe home. I have ... security. And that's all still hard to believe sometimes, since I know there are old riverbeds in which it's easy to let the waters run... but I've chosen a new watercourse, and I'm using what I have to try to make a difference, instead of dwelling and staying stuck in my old crapola. I'm strong enough. I'm flexible enough. I'm determined enough, and I'm creative enough.

I wrote a poem on May 4.
it looks better in the handwriting but here it is:

SELF LOVE
is a
RADICAL ACT
of
REBELLION
against
THE POWERS THAT BE
who want you and us to
FEEL HELPLESS
TRAPPED
POWERLESS
LONELY, UNLOVED
WORTHLESS STUCK

LOVING YOURSELF
FEELS GOOD and is
GOOD FOR YOU and can
LET YOU HEAL all your WOUNDS

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