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Ok my back/hip/si joint was painful enough that I finally booked with my chiropractor, Larry, last Monday, a week ago today.
It took a longer than usual session because it's been about two years and a stressful election and an attempted coup and a deadly global pandemic since I saw him last...
But the ribs have expanded. Breathing is easier, I think. I've been doing zipper cracks of my lower spine, and the general body Bain has been much better.
I actually posted to FB something about the crazy endorphins I was high on, immediately post session. (Awesome.
But then this weekend my LEFT hip and si joint were excruciating the way the right had been, before the adjustment. And I just figured, maybe this was related to how my left side was a couple inches higher when I sit with that leg up in figure 4.
More compensating. But it was bad. Like any kind of rotation of that hip, especially load bearing: turn it pivot on that leg in the kitchen? OUCH!
And huh now I remember I had a hip-flexor or lower belly cramp and release while Jeff and I were in Mendocino last week... And generally moments like that have led to range of motion increase, and decreased pain...
But last night it was bad enough that I was fidgeting lots, trying to see if I could find the right stretch to release the pain. And then I dig out the flexiril and took one with the bedtime meds. That does tend to work well for me.
Sweet sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care, or something... 😉
Then this morning as I started to wake up and do the morning stretches, I felt something small go *poink* deep in my hip socket as something shifted. A tendon, maybe, I'm never exactly sure.
But when my muscles are strong and soft and limber, good things happen.
It's taken several major steps to get where I am after the injuries to my knee. Double sprai, one year apart (1997&1998). Then the actual ACL tear in 2007, and then finally surgery in November of 2011.
The body does amazing things to hold us together and let us function, when we're injured. That functionality often comes with a hefty cost of pain.
The first real relief came post knee surgery. My toes uncurled. My back and hip heaved a sigh of relief. I cried. I cried kind of a lot.
Other moments of pain and release have come at other logical times. Well. Logical in retrospect. One massive spasm and release came halfway through a weekend dance workshop in San Rafael, something like five years ago. I was sitting on the toilet 🚽 during the break and my hip flexor SEIZED. Holy Mary Mother of God, that hurt. The other dancers were asking was I okay and I was just cussing and saying that it was a muscle spasms. Which it was. I went back to the dance floor once it resolved itself, tenderly testing for pain and range of motion, and DAMN if I couldn't do several things more easily and with almost zero pain than I had, only an hour before the cramp....
And I have had multiple other breakthroughs of a similar type. Late last week, on our Mendocino trip, I'm realizing that I had almost the exact spasm, sitting in the car, as the San Rafael dance workshop spasm, after two days of gentle hiking 🥾...
I have a theory that my body holds onto tension until I prove that I can be trusted to work the support muscles appropriately, and enough to support the joint... And then the muscle agrees to let go of its death grip clench. Which got us by well enough for years, you know.
But the chiropractor, the hot 🛁 bathtub, the gentle movement, have worked to convince my LEFT hip that it could finally let go after... After many years.
Blessed be the body, and the bodymind as well. I'm grateful for my healers, my team.
And I'm grateful for my trust of myself, my hard won trust of my own body.
Thank goodness for the Age of Information, where I can look up anatomy details without going to the library and paging through huge tomes. If I want to learn about the psoas or the piriformis, I can just *click* *search* 🔍 *sort* *find* *read*.
Okay. Less sitting today, more gentle movement.
It took a longer than usual session because it's been about two years and a stressful election and an attempted coup and a deadly global pandemic since I saw him last...
But the ribs have expanded. Breathing is easier, I think. I've been doing zipper cracks of my lower spine, and the general body Bain has been much better.
I actually posted to FB something about the crazy endorphins I was high on, immediately post session. (Awesome.
But then this weekend my LEFT hip and si joint were excruciating the way the right had been, before the adjustment. And I just figured, maybe this was related to how my left side was a couple inches higher when I sit with that leg up in figure 4.
More compensating. But it was bad. Like any kind of rotation of that hip, especially load bearing: turn it pivot on that leg in the kitchen? OUCH!
And huh now I remember I had a hip-flexor or lower belly cramp and release while Jeff and I were in Mendocino last week... And generally moments like that have led to range of motion increase, and decreased pain...
But last night it was bad enough that I was fidgeting lots, trying to see if I could find the right stretch to release the pain. And then I dig out the flexiril and took one with the bedtime meds. That does tend to work well for me.
Sweet sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care, or something... 😉
Then this morning as I started to wake up and do the morning stretches, I felt something small go *poink* deep in my hip socket as something shifted. A tendon, maybe, I'm never exactly sure.
But when my muscles are strong and soft and limber, good things happen.
It's taken several major steps to get where I am after the injuries to my knee. Double sprai, one year apart (1997&1998). Then the actual ACL tear in 2007, and then finally surgery in November of 2011.
The body does amazing things to hold us together and let us function, when we're injured. That functionality often comes with a hefty cost of pain.
The first real relief came post knee surgery. My toes uncurled. My back and hip heaved a sigh of relief. I cried. I cried kind of a lot.
Other moments of pain and release have come at other logical times. Well. Logical in retrospect. One massive spasm and release came halfway through a weekend dance workshop in San Rafael, something like five years ago. I was sitting on the toilet 🚽 during the break and my hip flexor SEIZED. Holy Mary Mother of God, that hurt. The other dancers were asking was I okay and I was just cussing and saying that it was a muscle spasms. Which it was. I went back to the dance floor once it resolved itself, tenderly testing for pain and range of motion, and DAMN if I couldn't do several things more easily and with almost zero pain than I had, only an hour before the cramp....
And I have had multiple other breakthroughs of a similar type. Late last week, on our Mendocino trip, I'm realizing that I had almost the exact spasm, sitting in the car, as the San Rafael dance workshop spasm, after two days of gentle hiking 🥾...
I have a theory that my body holds onto tension until I prove that I can be trusted to work the support muscles appropriately, and enough to support the joint... And then the muscle agrees to let go of its death grip clench. Which got us by well enough for years, you know.
But the chiropractor, the hot 🛁 bathtub, the gentle movement, have worked to convince my LEFT hip that it could finally let go after... After many years.
Blessed be the body, and the bodymind as well. I'm grateful for my healers, my team.
And I'm grateful for my trust of myself, my hard won trust of my own body.
Thank goodness for the Age of Information, where I can look up anatomy details without going to the library and paging through huge tomes. If I want to learn about the psoas or the piriformis, I can just *click* *search* 🔍 *sort* *find* *read*.
Okay. Less sitting today, more gentle movement.
I'm struggling to adult and there's lots to do.
* Relationship foo
* Schedule foo (see friends, see family, have dates
* Polyamorous foo (dealing with jealousy and finding the courage to bring up my concerns and ask for what I want)
* HEALTH foo, which is multilayer:
** Body pain: *chiropractor, *physical therapy and maybe *massage? I could use my birthday card from almost 2 years ago, but still, SCHEDULE foo.
** Optometry: apparently my last visit was in 2017. I didn't break my glasses so I guess I just didn't go in? (Scheduled for Friday PM)
** Gynecology. Because the girl parts smell bad, I have mild pelvic pain,and zero libido. (Just scheduled for Thursday PM.) ALSO I need to understand more about what to expect from my hopefully upcoming menopause.
** Mental health. The depression and ADHD are not managing themselves. I'm spending hours per day on the internet basically trying to cheer myself up.
About that last one. Today got pretty bad because J was starting another dating website profile, and it hit me hard. We have Stuff To Talk About and I struggle with starting the conversation. Partly because it went so badly for me before when I brought up Previous Stuff, which is also an Aspect of Current Stuff, of course.
Okay.
BUT I DID ask for help earlier today when I found myself panicking and spiraling, and he dropped what he was doing to come over and help, so that was good.
AND I'm going to have a needed shower 🚿 (my hair's been up in a braid for three days and it wasn't clean before that) also the previously mentioned smelly parts definitely need some gentle TLC.
And then I'll eat a little bit more of something.
I'm thinking this all is like getting a farm or a garden back up and running after fourteen months of not looking after it. The neglect, in the end, hasn't been very benign.
* Relationship foo
* Schedule foo (see friends, see family, have dates
* Polyamorous foo (dealing with jealousy and finding the courage to bring up my concerns and ask for what I want)
* HEALTH foo, which is multilayer:
** Body pain: *chiropractor, *physical therapy and maybe *massage? I could use my birthday card from almost 2 years ago, but still, SCHEDULE foo.
** Optometry: apparently my last visit was in 2017. I didn't break my glasses so I guess I just didn't go in? (Scheduled for Friday PM)
** Gynecology. Because the girl parts smell bad, I have mild pelvic pain,and zero libido. (Just scheduled for Thursday PM.) ALSO I need to understand more about what to expect from my hopefully upcoming menopause.
** Mental health. The depression and ADHD are not managing themselves. I'm spending hours per day on the internet basically trying to cheer myself up.
About that last one. Today got pretty bad because J was starting another dating website profile, and it hit me hard. We have Stuff To Talk About and I struggle with starting the conversation. Partly because it went so badly for me before when I brought up Previous Stuff, which is also an Aspect of Current Stuff, of course.
Okay.
BUT I DID ask for help earlier today when I found myself panicking and spiraling, and he dropped what he was doing to come over and help, so that was good.
AND I'm going to have a needed shower 🚿 (my hair's been up in a braid for three days and it wasn't clean before that) also the previously mentioned smelly parts definitely need some gentle TLC.
And then I'll eat a little bit more of something.
I'm thinking this all is like getting a farm or a garden back up and running after fourteen months of not looking after it. The neglect, in the end, hasn't been very benign.
Tags:
Last night we had dinner at friend's house and they have a saltwater pool (it's very luxe, DO RECOMMEND)
ALSO they have a jacuzzi with jets strong enough to do authentic massage.
It was my first time in a pool in over 2 years I think.
Took a leisurely swim and float, looking up at the stars, chatting with L, one of the daughters of the family, and then I did oopsy daisy over into the Jacuzzi from the pool and had the jets absolutely POUND my sore places in back and hips.
Today, the world is beautiful, and nothing hurts.
ALSO they have a jacuzzi with jets strong enough to do authentic massage.
It was my first time in a pool in over 2 years I think.
Took a leisurely swim and float, looking up at the stars, chatting with L, one of the daughters of the family, and then I did oopsy daisy over into the Jacuzzi from the pool and had the jets absolutely POUND my sore places in back and hips.
Today, the world is beautiful, and nothing hurts.
Tags:
Is the body informing the mind, or is the mind-heart tying the body up in pain?
It's like 6:38 in the morning. 2 hours before I usually get up.
And that was an awful dream.
My life was dreary, and it was my wedding day again, but I wasn't happy and I wasn't marrying Jeff, I was marrying someone so he could get his green card.
There were spiders and rotten ladder rungs in a space I was supposed to climb up into, then I was running away from work at the school I used to work at (where we'd run out of printer paper for the wedding programs) and as I was (literally) running to my home-in-the-dream to get more printer paper, I saw the other part of the wedding party we waiting at a door to the school? And I was going to be late?
And the substitute teacher who was going to take my class for the day was arrogant and awful, my classroom was shabby, even more than it was in real life...
And I woke up slow crying and afraid.
My body hurts.
IDK what my mind is doing, or how much truth is in the emotions of the dream, (shame and fear of being unloved, and the horror of being poor and useless, I think) but I do know things I can do to help my body hurt less.
As Jenroses on Tumblr says, after you pull out some of the forks that are stuck in you, sometimes you find more spoons. She calls that the Fork corollary to the Spoon Theory.
Tylenol, morning meds, maybe some coffee, and put some pants on and go for a walk.
It's like 6:38 in the morning. 2 hours before I usually get up.
And that was an awful dream.
My life was dreary, and it was my wedding day again, but I wasn't happy and I wasn't marrying Jeff, I was marrying someone so he could get his green card.
There were spiders and rotten ladder rungs in a space I was supposed to climb up into, then I was running away from work at the school I used to work at (where we'd run out of printer paper for the wedding programs) and as I was (literally) running to my home-in-the-dream to get more printer paper, I saw the other part of the wedding party we waiting at a door to the school? And I was going to be late?
And the substitute teacher who was going to take my class for the day was arrogant and awful, my classroom was shabby, even more than it was in real life...
And I woke up slow crying and afraid.
My body hurts.
IDK what my mind is doing, or how much truth is in the emotions of the dream, (shame and fear of being unloved, and the horror of being poor and useless, I think) but I do know things I can do to help my body hurt less.
As Jenroses on Tumblr says, after you pull out some of the forks that are stuck in you, sometimes you find more spoons. She calls that the Fork corollary to the Spoon Theory.
Tylenol, morning meds, maybe some coffee, and put some pants on and go for a walk.
Tags:
- dreams,
- fear,
- i am enough,
- i hope,
- i need,
- i want,
- i wish,
- my life,
- need a hug,
- pain,
- spoon theory
I sort of feel like shelter in place was reasonably good to me. The downside is I guess, that I got even smaller, socially and emotionally and mentally. I only got a little bit larger physically! Smile.
My brain's a little fluffy tonight. Hard to keep track of my thoughts. Tonight I'm in some mild pain. Brain is spiraling into old tracks, and old and old insecurities. Knowing that their old tapes, makes it somewhat easier to try to set them aside but also because they are old messages, that have never been fully refuted, they just sort of sit there like rocks in a field. Getting in the way.
I know that I've experienced this many times before. I know that I've gone through transitions in my life many times before, where I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, or perhaps more precisely, who I'm going to be.
How do you find the right questions? How can I possibly know. I guess I can't. I can't know where I'm going. I can figure out what I want, I can figure out what I need, and I can try to make sure that I have those things.
I can work on ways to break the spiral, when I fall into the old patterns. New adventures will break the old patterns!
But I do have business with Jeff. He's so immersed in his intellectual life, and yes, the opening up of his social life too, that he doesn't hear or notice my bids for attention and conversation. (That predates the opening of shelter in place significantly though. It's an old problem).
He's not replaceable. You know? Even if I'm getting plenty of joyful enthusiastic company from folks who are literally delighted to see me, I'd still miss him. And I'm living with him. It's weird and uncomfortable and like tiny stabs of regret and grief every time he doesn't hear me.
And I'm the one who got the hearing aids. Sigh.
I neither mean nor want to be petty. I love him, and I need something from him that he hasn't been bringing to the table.
I don't know how to get him to see me In the way I need.
Maybe I need to re-up with my therapist.
My brain's a little fluffy tonight. Hard to keep track of my thoughts. Tonight I'm in some mild pain. Brain is spiraling into old tracks, and old and old insecurities. Knowing that their old tapes, makes it somewhat easier to try to set them aside but also because they are old messages, that have never been fully refuted, they just sort of sit there like rocks in a field. Getting in the way.
I know that I've experienced this many times before. I know that I've gone through transitions in my life many times before, where I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, or perhaps more precisely, who I'm going to be.
How do you find the right questions? How can I possibly know. I guess I can't. I can't know where I'm going. I can figure out what I want, I can figure out what I need, and I can try to make sure that I have those things.
I can work on ways to break the spiral, when I fall into the old patterns. New adventures will break the old patterns!
But I do have business with Jeff. He's so immersed in his intellectual life, and yes, the opening up of his social life too, that he doesn't hear or notice my bids for attention and conversation. (That predates the opening of shelter in place significantly though. It's an old problem).
He's not replaceable. You know? Even if I'm getting plenty of joyful enthusiastic company from folks who are literally delighted to see me, I'd still miss him. And I'm living with him. It's weird and uncomfortable and like tiny stabs of regret and grief every time he doesn't hear me.
And I'm the one who got the hearing aids. Sigh.
I neither mean nor want to be petty. I love him, and I need something from him that he hasn't been bringing to the table.
I don't know how to get him to see me In the way I need.
Maybe I need to re-up with my therapist.
One of the things that the pandemic has taken from me, is the ability to wander around my own house talking to myself, Or talking into the phone as I'm doing now. I don't feel comfortable dictating into the phone while Jeff's in the house. I mean he's got his own headphones, and he'll listen to his podcasts or watch his YouTube videos but for whatever damn reason I still don't feel comfortable. Feels like I disturb him if I'm talking in the house.
But I got really used to it, while he was still working, before he retired.
As far as the fiction writing goes, dictating words and story feels like it comes from a different part of my brain, then typing on the phone, typing on the laptop, and then a completely different head space if I go to use pen and paper and handwrite some part of the story. Similarly I can dictate blog posts like this quick and easy and I just... don't, now.
I have been missing the sound of my own voice.
I don't have regular social scheduling with people who want to hear me talk. Had a really nice dinner with girl purple and her sweetie kit, and I just got to talk about something that I'm enthusiastic about, reading Tarot. And they dug it and I really enjoyed being appreciated. I read for them, and I read for myself, and I just sort of talked about the structure of the deck and how you read how the majors are big life theme sorts of cards and the minors or pip cards are more like everyday concerns? Yeah. New deck, getting to know it is being enjoyable.
There's this acronym that fly lady uses. The word halt, stands for hungry angry lonely or tired. I think the H needs to have two meanings, hungry, and hurting. Cuz when I'm hurting it messes with my head because I feel feelings and I don't recognize that I have the body pain going on? It's not until I idly rub it something that's painful and resolve things the next day, that I realize that I was snappish or I was depressed because my body was hurting. And my body hurts a lot by a lot I mean frequently. I think I'm sort of feeling sorry for myself and I know there's no oppression Olympics, and I know that I'm allowed to feel sad or sorry for myself or like I have needs that aren't being met. No matter how good I have it. I'm allowed. So I have permission from myself to feel whatever kind of way I feel about it, you know?
There's a big beautiful world out here, and what with the trauma of the pandemic, and 45's presidency, exhale, and can't even bear to say that man's name. But what with everything that went down, I feel like I've been hiding for years, I feel like I haven't been able to be fully myself for years and that my skill and my joy have both been buried maybe about 80% of the time? I have skill with people, I have joy with people, and I haven't wanted to admit it, and I haven't had therapy that was just for me and basically about a year, but I've been stuffing my feelings again and I've been feeling infantilized and I've sort of let myself get sidelined. Or get smaller? Getting smaller is more familiar to make other people comfortable. Is that why I've done it? I'm used to doing that to hiding myself to be less of a bother. I'm used to going off on my own by myself because it didn't feel like it was worth it to other people to have all of me there.
Questions I still find myself asking myself: What am I good for? And to whom? I managed to stop the spiral usually before I start saying to myself I'm no good to anybody because I know that's flat out incorrect. But I frequently have to talk myself out of saying something like I'm less important than ex or why
There was this one time three or four years ago I think, where my wedding anniversary with Jeff landed on a Thursday. And at that time his regular date night with Jen was on a Thursday. He says to me something like it's not like it's all that important it's fine if I have date night right? So I say sure have date night. And then I tore myself up all night, grieving something that I couldn't even quite put words to. Sort of like he didn't value me if he didn't value the anniversary. I can't remember if he ever apologized for that, I can't remember if I ever asked him to. But I guess I haven't forgiven him for it.
This is a great big giant ramble I'm just going to talk about some things.
My friend Eric a wrote a Twitter post sorry Tumblr post recently about a therapy session that she had in which her therapist said that most people don't create playbooks for how to interact with other people or for specific events. And she said that she was surprised, I replied something like sounds fake but okay, because honestly I can't remember a time in my life when I did not do that. I'm always trying to create rules sets for my behavior. It's easier when it's people I don't care as much about. The rule book for Jeff is complicated. Partly because we have a tangled up mess for our recent sex life kinds of things.
Here's some of my observations about that not necessarily sex. Things like I'm the one who initiates I love you. I hear a lot of I love you too. I'm the one that's just thank you when he does something for me but I almost never hear it I'm the one who gets the impatient reaction from him when I don't hear him the first time but I swear to God there's a lot of times where he doesn't reply but he acts like he did and maybe it is the fact that my hearing has been decreasing and getting worse but I think I'm looking straight at his face sometimes when I ask him something and I have to wait several seconds and then he looks up as though he's replied and says yes or no or whatever with an impatient tone as though I should have heard it. I think it's just a careless miscommunication but I would like him to be careful I would like him to pay the same amount of attention to my words as I paid to his to detach himself from other concerns when we're speaking the way that I detach myself from other concerns, I put down my book I pause when I'm listening to I get up and come find him in a different f****** room. In that regard it feels like I'm making a lot more effort than he does.
But I must acknowledge, that he makes a lot of effort in other regards. His love language is still doing things for people. I have to remember, and I have to notice, that when he does something for me, maybe it is a cleaning task I don't want to do, or maybe it is fixing something for me that I've said I wanted to fix but don't ever get around to. He does those both with some regularity and like I literally have to notice and consciously put that into memory, and translate that as that action is love. It is, to my brain it is literally like having to go to Google translate when I see something in Russian. In a similar way I go to Google translate and I say I love you, and I put it through the acts of service translator, and I try to find the things I can do to show him that I love him because the words aren't meaningful to him in the same way that they are to me The words he's already said that the words don't nourish him the way that they nourish me. I wish he could take an effort to use the words some of the time, it was so shocking to me when potential new sweetie ( I already feel like I'm f****** that up) New sweetie has been complimenting me and using words to appreciate me and I just don't know how to take that in anymore. It's like I've been, I guess I have been away from people long enough that speaking people languages is hard now like that part of me is atrophied. I feel really isolated, yeah.
When to go back to the oppression Olympics that I was mentioning before none of this is getting out of this whole pandemic bologna without damage and trauma and stuff. Things are way better for Americans right now than they were for the last 4 years, but we're not healed, do you know? We were in an abusive relationship with someone who had control over and influence over our lives It's like when you have a job in which nobody cares if you burn yourself out or not. It's like when you have a boss that's verbally abusive, the same way that 45 was, or threatening the way 45 was. Or threatening to your loved ones and friends and family in the way 45 was.
Is there a marker in the DSM-5 for having been an abusive relationship with your government? I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this right now but I just have this deep deep grief and all of the ways in which the former administration intentionally damaged and wounded and frightened and traumatized huge swaths of the population. I feel damaged and wounded and frightened and traumatized, but none of my smart friends are really talking about this, like well we survived let's move on sort of flippantly. But the thing is not all of us did survive raise dad died of covet other friends family also died a couple of people I knew peripherally died from the failure to act other previous administration People I know moved out of the country, because they felt so profoundly unsafe being who they were under 45's presidency.
It's a lot.
I made a post yesterday or the day before, about being very unhappy that morning when I woke up. In retrospect I wonder whether there might not have been a hormonal blip on the radar, but I was able to hold on to myself, and I was able to sort of collect what spoons I had available, and to borrow my friend Jen roses metaphor, I pulled out all of the forks that were stuck into me that day and an attempt to restore some more functioning and to find my way into the world with just a calmer head? Pulling out forks might look like following the routines you already follow in the morning, looking after the cat, taking your meds and drinking your water. Maybe taking some acetaminophen. Maybe pooping? In my case it turned out that pooping restored a spoon or two. I didn't even know it was bothering me until I resolved the issue!
Kinda like when you have a hangnail and all you can think about is the fact that your hangnail is bothering you, until you can find the nail scissors or clippers or nippers to fix it, that small niggling pain takes a surprising number of brain cycles away from active usage.
I don't have any solutions tonight. But I appreciate the fact that my technology, and this web page, and this community of people who may or may not choose to read this long-ass post, can allow me a few moments of blowing off steam and maybe I can have some clarity tonight.
Thanks for reading. I might go make some decaf tea and do some repair work around the house I'm not doing it to be worthy I'm just doing it because it needs to get done.
Chop wood carry water, right?
But I got really used to it, while he was still working, before he retired.
As far as the fiction writing goes, dictating words and story feels like it comes from a different part of my brain, then typing on the phone, typing on the laptop, and then a completely different head space if I go to use pen and paper and handwrite some part of the story. Similarly I can dictate blog posts like this quick and easy and I just... don't, now.
I have been missing the sound of my own voice.
I don't have regular social scheduling with people who want to hear me talk. Had a really nice dinner with girl purple and her sweetie kit, and I just got to talk about something that I'm enthusiastic about, reading Tarot. And they dug it and I really enjoyed being appreciated. I read for them, and I read for myself, and I just sort of talked about the structure of the deck and how you read how the majors are big life theme sorts of cards and the minors or pip cards are more like everyday concerns? Yeah. New deck, getting to know it is being enjoyable.
There's this acronym that fly lady uses. The word halt, stands for hungry angry lonely or tired. I think the H needs to have two meanings, hungry, and hurting. Cuz when I'm hurting it messes with my head because I feel feelings and I don't recognize that I have the body pain going on? It's not until I idly rub it something that's painful and resolve things the next day, that I realize that I was snappish or I was depressed because my body was hurting. And my body hurts a lot by a lot I mean frequently. I think I'm sort of feeling sorry for myself and I know there's no oppression Olympics, and I know that I'm allowed to feel sad or sorry for myself or like I have needs that aren't being met. No matter how good I have it. I'm allowed. So I have permission from myself to feel whatever kind of way I feel about it, you know?
There's a big beautiful world out here, and what with the trauma of the pandemic, and 45's presidency, exhale, and can't even bear to say that man's name. But what with everything that went down, I feel like I've been hiding for years, I feel like I haven't been able to be fully myself for years and that my skill and my joy have both been buried maybe about 80% of the time? I have skill with people, I have joy with people, and I haven't wanted to admit it, and I haven't had therapy that was just for me and basically about a year, but I've been stuffing my feelings again and I've been feeling infantilized and I've sort of let myself get sidelined. Or get smaller? Getting smaller is more familiar to make other people comfortable. Is that why I've done it? I'm used to doing that to hiding myself to be less of a bother. I'm used to going off on my own by myself because it didn't feel like it was worth it to other people to have all of me there.
Questions I still find myself asking myself: What am I good for? And to whom? I managed to stop the spiral usually before I start saying to myself I'm no good to anybody because I know that's flat out incorrect. But I frequently have to talk myself out of saying something like I'm less important than ex or why
There was this one time three or four years ago I think, where my wedding anniversary with Jeff landed on a Thursday. And at that time his regular date night with Jen was on a Thursday. He says to me something like it's not like it's all that important it's fine if I have date night right? So I say sure have date night. And then I tore myself up all night, grieving something that I couldn't even quite put words to. Sort of like he didn't value me if he didn't value the anniversary. I can't remember if he ever apologized for that, I can't remember if I ever asked him to. But I guess I haven't forgiven him for it.
This is a great big giant ramble I'm just going to talk about some things.
My friend Eric a wrote a Twitter post sorry Tumblr post recently about a therapy session that she had in which her therapist said that most people don't create playbooks for how to interact with other people or for specific events. And she said that she was surprised, I replied something like sounds fake but okay, because honestly I can't remember a time in my life when I did not do that. I'm always trying to create rules sets for my behavior. It's easier when it's people I don't care as much about. The rule book for Jeff is complicated. Partly because we have a tangled up mess for our recent sex life kinds of things.
Here's some of my observations about that not necessarily sex. Things like I'm the one who initiates I love you. I hear a lot of I love you too. I'm the one that's just thank you when he does something for me but I almost never hear it I'm the one who gets the impatient reaction from him when I don't hear him the first time but I swear to God there's a lot of times where he doesn't reply but he acts like he did and maybe it is the fact that my hearing has been decreasing and getting worse but I think I'm looking straight at his face sometimes when I ask him something and I have to wait several seconds and then he looks up as though he's replied and says yes or no or whatever with an impatient tone as though I should have heard it. I think it's just a careless miscommunication but I would like him to be careful I would like him to pay the same amount of attention to my words as I paid to his to detach himself from other concerns when we're speaking the way that I detach myself from other concerns, I put down my book I pause when I'm listening to I get up and come find him in a different f****** room. In that regard it feels like I'm making a lot more effort than he does.
But I must acknowledge, that he makes a lot of effort in other regards. His love language is still doing things for people. I have to remember, and I have to notice, that when he does something for me, maybe it is a cleaning task I don't want to do, or maybe it is fixing something for me that I've said I wanted to fix but don't ever get around to. He does those both with some regularity and like I literally have to notice and consciously put that into memory, and translate that as that action is love. It is, to my brain it is literally like having to go to Google translate when I see something in Russian. In a similar way I go to Google translate and I say I love you, and I put it through the acts of service translator, and I try to find the things I can do to show him that I love him because the words aren't meaningful to him in the same way that they are to me The words he's already said that the words don't nourish him the way that they nourish me. I wish he could take an effort to use the words some of the time, it was so shocking to me when potential new sweetie ( I already feel like I'm f****** that up) New sweetie has been complimenting me and using words to appreciate me and I just don't know how to take that in anymore. It's like I've been, I guess I have been away from people long enough that speaking people languages is hard now like that part of me is atrophied. I feel really isolated, yeah.
When to go back to the oppression Olympics that I was mentioning before none of this is getting out of this whole pandemic bologna without damage and trauma and stuff. Things are way better for Americans right now than they were for the last 4 years, but we're not healed, do you know? We were in an abusive relationship with someone who had control over and influence over our lives It's like when you have a job in which nobody cares if you burn yourself out or not. It's like when you have a boss that's verbally abusive, the same way that 45 was, or threatening the way 45 was. Or threatening to your loved ones and friends and family in the way 45 was.
Is there a marker in the DSM-5 for having been an abusive relationship with your government? I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this right now but I just have this deep deep grief and all of the ways in which the former administration intentionally damaged and wounded and frightened and traumatized huge swaths of the population. I feel damaged and wounded and frightened and traumatized, but none of my smart friends are really talking about this, like well we survived let's move on sort of flippantly. But the thing is not all of us did survive raise dad died of covet other friends family also died a couple of people I knew peripherally died from the failure to act other previous administration People I know moved out of the country, because they felt so profoundly unsafe being who they were under 45's presidency.
It's a lot.
I made a post yesterday or the day before, about being very unhappy that morning when I woke up. In retrospect I wonder whether there might not have been a hormonal blip on the radar, but I was able to hold on to myself, and I was able to sort of collect what spoons I had available, and to borrow my friend Jen roses metaphor, I pulled out all of the forks that were stuck into me that day and an attempt to restore some more functioning and to find my way into the world with just a calmer head? Pulling out forks might look like following the routines you already follow in the morning, looking after the cat, taking your meds and drinking your water. Maybe taking some acetaminophen. Maybe pooping? In my case it turned out that pooping restored a spoon or two. I didn't even know it was bothering me until I resolved the issue!
Kinda like when you have a hangnail and all you can think about is the fact that your hangnail is bothering you, until you can find the nail scissors or clippers or nippers to fix it, that small niggling pain takes a surprising number of brain cycles away from active usage.
I don't have any solutions tonight. But I appreciate the fact that my technology, and this web page, and this community of people who may or may not choose to read this long-ass post, can allow me a few moments of blowing off steam and maybe I can have some clarity tonight.
Thanks for reading. I might go make some decaf tea and do some repair work around the house I'm not doing it to be worthy I'm just doing it because it needs to get done.
Chop wood carry water, right?
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I can't complain that it's rainy, because I have until recently been saying California needs so much more in the rain! But it is cold, and it is gray, and I have been struggling with my brains again.
Different friends have been posting about getting the covid vaccine. I'm glad for them, and the same way that I will be glad for me, considering everything that we've all put on hold for the last 12 months, or even longer.
I went looking on Kaiser's website about what are the criteria now for being eligible for vaccination. One of the criteria is a BMI of 40 or over. So out of curiosity I plugged my numbers in, I climbed on the scale for the first time in over a year, and I have now broken 230 lb. Which I don't know that I feel some kind of way about it. It sort of just seems like a datum? Maybe that's a healthy way of looking at my weight. Anyway apparently I am a possessor of a BMI of 39.8. Which I guess strictly speaking doesn't make me eligible for the bump up in timeline to receive the vaccine. And my brain has not been letting me go out and dig and research for other appointments to get it. Every time I think about that as something I could possibly be doing, I find it flittering away like it's a butterfly? Straight out of my brain and something else distracting comes on in to my head. I click the next link or I change social media sites or I get up and make myself a snack. On the upside I'm currently working on my snack and a glass of water with a slice of lemon in it. Because I was just advising other folks who I know who had reasons to be taken care of themselves during a grief process, that you need to take care of the physical body so I'm taking my own advice and that's a good thing.
So what it is, is I'm fat, I have diabetes, but it's pretty well managed. I believe our numbers are under 7.5, generally, which is according to the CDC website the tipping point for being able to access early vaccine. The question that I had was does my blood clotting disorder count as a serious enough condition, considering that it too is very well managed. And I haven't yet had the courage to email my doctor about that specific question.
Okay I'm going to go ahead and eat my late lunch, drink my water, and hopefully I will I want to try calling my mom? And maybe after I eat I will have the energy to try doing that. I've been in some pain lately, from an unexplained pain in my hip socket, which has drawn the knee, and the ankle with my previous injuries there out of whack. And I don't know what yet to do about it. I'm working on some different things physical therapy wise, and I took a Flexeril last night to be able to sleep and my ankle and my knee both readjusted themselves this morning during the usual regimen of stretches and the hip got worse, and by worse I mean more painful so whatever is going on in my hip is a problem
Different friends have been posting about getting the covid vaccine. I'm glad for them, and the same way that I will be glad for me, considering everything that we've all put on hold for the last 12 months, or even longer.
I went looking on Kaiser's website about what are the criteria now for being eligible for vaccination. One of the criteria is a BMI of 40 or over. So out of curiosity I plugged my numbers in, I climbed on the scale for the first time in over a year, and I have now broken 230 lb. Which I don't know that I feel some kind of way about it. It sort of just seems like a datum? Maybe that's a healthy way of looking at my weight. Anyway apparently I am a possessor of a BMI of 39.8. Which I guess strictly speaking doesn't make me eligible for the bump up in timeline to receive the vaccine. And my brain has not been letting me go out and dig and research for other appointments to get it. Every time I think about that as something I could possibly be doing, I find it flittering away like it's a butterfly? Straight out of my brain and something else distracting comes on in to my head. I click the next link or I change social media sites or I get up and make myself a snack. On the upside I'm currently working on my snack and a glass of water with a slice of lemon in it. Because I was just advising other folks who I know who had reasons to be taken care of themselves during a grief process, that you need to take care of the physical body so I'm taking my own advice and that's a good thing.
So what it is, is I'm fat, I have diabetes, but it's pretty well managed. I believe our numbers are under 7.5, generally, which is according to the CDC website the tipping point for being able to access early vaccine. The question that I had was does my blood clotting disorder count as a serious enough condition, considering that it too is very well managed. And I haven't yet had the courage to email my doctor about that specific question.
Okay I'm going to go ahead and eat my late lunch, drink my water, and hopefully I will I want to try calling my mom? And maybe after I eat I will have the energy to try doing that. I've been in some pain lately, from an unexplained pain in my hip socket, which has drawn the knee, and the ankle with my previous injuries there out of whack. And I don't know what yet to do about it. I'm working on some different things physical therapy wise, and I took a Flexeril last night to be able to sleep and my ankle and my knee both readjusted themselves this morning during the usual regimen of stretches and the hip got worse, and by worse I mean more painful so whatever is going on in my hip is a problem
It's 6:52 am and still dark outside. I've probably been awake for about 2 hours, woke myself up massaging my arm in my sleep and I guess the pain woke me.
Remember that silly song from childhood about bones being connected to other bones?
Well this morning I was massaging painfully tight tiny muscles around my right elbow and upper forearm, and I swear it triggered a nerve spasm in my LEFT FOOT. I had to move carefully, trying to not wake the Jeff... And then I realized that my right hip which has been horrifically tight AND my right hand which has been swollen and painful most mornings for weeks (that's the hand was broken at radius and pinky NYE '16 car crash air bag) was also tremendously easier.
So the elbow is connected to the... Hip bone 🦴 and the elbow is connected to o the... Wrist bone.
I'm sort of both LOL and sort of relieved. Always surprising to relearn something about my body and realize oh yes, I've learned that before.
So I'm up two? Three hours before my alarm? Which can be kind of nice once in awhile, as long as I can be quiet. And I'll sleep 💤 super well tonight.
Which means no tea, and no warm food just yet. Because everything I want for breakfast requires microwave (fucking LOUD BEEP), kettle (sustained rumble of boiling and loud click) or stove (which I just can't put pans on the stove quietly).
(Don't wake the Jeff)
Emergency cheese is good for now, and water. And a cat lap to help me stay warm.
I'm decently proud of getting dressed, glasses, hearing aids, exercise clothes and warm socks, quietly in the dark.
Remember that silly song from childhood about bones being connected to other bones?
Well this morning I was massaging painfully tight tiny muscles around my right elbow and upper forearm, and I swear it triggered a nerve spasm in my LEFT FOOT. I had to move carefully, trying to not wake the Jeff... And then I realized that my right hip which has been horrifically tight AND my right hand which has been swollen and painful most mornings for weeks (that's the hand was broken at radius and pinky NYE '16 car crash air bag) was also tremendously easier.
So the elbow is connected to the... Hip bone 🦴 and the elbow is connected to o the... Wrist bone.
I'm sort of both LOL and sort of relieved. Always surprising to relearn something about my body and realize oh yes, I've learned that before.
So I'm up two? Three hours before my alarm? Which can be kind of nice once in awhile, as long as I can be quiet. And I'll sleep 💤 super well tonight.
Which means no tea, and no warm food just yet. Because everything I want for breakfast requires microwave (fucking LOUD BEEP), kettle (sustained rumble of boiling and loud click) or stove (which I just can't put pans on the stove quietly).
(Don't wake the Jeff)
Emergency cheese is good for now, and water. And a cat lap to help me stay warm.
I'm decently proud of getting dressed, glasses, hearing aids, exercise clothes and warm socks, quietly in the dark.
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I got to have sex this morning! And that was fun!
What is less fun is realizing that I still have landmines about sex about being female, how about my role in the world and my safety, about what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to put up with.
When I was a kid mom used to say, as she was putting my hair up in hot rollers, we must suffer to be beautiful. I'm a hot rollers had pokey bits that would dig into your scalp. And they had hot metal that would sometimes burn your ear. And the meta message that I took away was you should just suffer and put up with it.
And the world taught me, that being a woman meant suffering, even being a girl meant suffering. The Christian overculture always talks about the sin of Eve, and there's that one passage in the Bible about how because Eve tempted Adam she was just meant to have pain and suffering having a baby would be painful etc. And honestly? That message carries over into medical practice, into prescription practice. Women's Period and pelvic pain is gaslighted, denied, downplayed.
And there are so many other meta messages about women and pain. The number of stories about your first time having sex is painful, like I really expected that. And today 31 years after The first time I had penis in vagina sex, I found myself feeling pain, feeling chafed and considering just enduring it. I heard my brain go Oh just suck it up, you can get through this, and a split second later I made us pause and ask for some lube. And it got a little better and easier, because I spoke up for myself and because my partner is not like the dumb boys that I had sex with in my twenties. And he's not selfish. But the fact that I seriously considered continuing on though I was in pain. Make me think about other meta messages that are still in my brain.
When the question of your financial security, and your physical security, can be contingent on your ability to please your mate. And this is happening everyday all across the world, women finding a way to please their mate, in other ways too but also sexually, out of fear that they will be cast aside, seen as disposable, will be replaced by someone who's more compliant, younger or more pleasing in some other way.
And I'm realizing today that a big part of where my fear came from when Jeff and I were having sexual incompatibilities, was from that particular meme. He will cast me aside. He will find somebody younger, with whom he's more sexually compatible,... That was a particularly strong fear for a while after I was unable to conceive. I wasn't sure how strong his desire to have a kid was, and my s***** brain did actually think at some point, well I risked my life to do this, that must count for something.
It just feels like he's been having to earn my trust over and over and over again, because the world hates women? And I've internalized a lot about that, not like you could avoid it! But yeah I have put up with a lot over the decades, I have had abusive and neglectful partners, I've had a gas lighting partner, I put up with really s***** treatment from poly partners other partner. And I'm just I'm stunned by how the world is full of all of us walking wounded and how many of us are still trying to dig our way through this complete swamp filled with b*******, and God I wish the speech to text would go ahead and let me cuss. Long slow exhale, going to go get some lunch, and just throw this up here, so that I can share it in therapy today.
What is less fun is realizing that I still have landmines about sex about being female, how about my role in the world and my safety, about what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to put up with.
When I was a kid mom used to say, as she was putting my hair up in hot rollers, we must suffer to be beautiful. I'm a hot rollers had pokey bits that would dig into your scalp. And they had hot metal that would sometimes burn your ear. And the meta message that I took away was you should just suffer and put up with it.
And the world taught me, that being a woman meant suffering, even being a girl meant suffering. The Christian overculture always talks about the sin of Eve, and there's that one passage in the Bible about how because Eve tempted Adam she was just meant to have pain and suffering having a baby would be painful etc. And honestly? That message carries over into medical practice, into prescription practice. Women's Period and pelvic pain is gaslighted, denied, downplayed.
And there are so many other meta messages about women and pain. The number of stories about your first time having sex is painful, like I really expected that. And today 31 years after The first time I had penis in vagina sex, I found myself feeling pain, feeling chafed and considering just enduring it. I heard my brain go Oh just suck it up, you can get through this, and a split second later I made us pause and ask for some lube. And it got a little better and easier, because I spoke up for myself and because my partner is not like the dumb boys that I had sex with in my twenties. And he's not selfish. But the fact that I seriously considered continuing on though I was in pain. Make me think about other meta messages that are still in my brain.
When the question of your financial security, and your physical security, can be contingent on your ability to please your mate. And this is happening everyday all across the world, women finding a way to please their mate, in other ways too but also sexually, out of fear that they will be cast aside, seen as disposable, will be replaced by someone who's more compliant, younger or more pleasing in some other way.
And I'm realizing today that a big part of where my fear came from when Jeff and I were having sexual incompatibilities, was from that particular meme. He will cast me aside. He will find somebody younger, with whom he's more sexually compatible,... That was a particularly strong fear for a while after I was unable to conceive. I wasn't sure how strong his desire to have a kid was, and my s***** brain did actually think at some point, well I risked my life to do this, that must count for something.
It just feels like he's been having to earn my trust over and over and over again, because the world hates women? And I've internalized a lot about that, not like you could avoid it! But yeah I have put up with a lot over the decades, I have had abusive and neglectful partners, I've had a gas lighting partner, I put up with really s***** treatment from poly partners other partner. And I'm just I'm stunned by how the world is full of all of us walking wounded and how many of us are still trying to dig our way through this complete swamp filled with b*******, and God I wish the speech to text would go ahead and let me cuss. Long slow exhale, going to go get some lunch, and just throw this up here, so that I can share it in therapy today.
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ten things make a post, so:
* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.
High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.
* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).
* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.
* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.
*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb
...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.
* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.
* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!
* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.
* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.
* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.
* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.
High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.
* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).
* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.
* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.
*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb
...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.
* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.
* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!
* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.
* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.
* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.
Tags:
so it's two weeks tomorrow that the dratted thing softened and ruptured and started oozing.
i started "managing" it by squeezing and massaging the ooze out of it.
the ooze is called keratin, it fills most epethelial cysts with some sebum or skin oil.
uhhh after four days of massaging and hot compresses and bandaids i researched these cysts and one of the things all the websites agreed on was NO TOUCHY but OOPS TOO LaTE and it was feeling tender and i couldnt tell if it was sore from me poking at it (and it hopefully trying to heal) or maybe from starting to feel infected? so i made sure to clean it thoroughly again and bandage it with neosporin...
then last weekend i was reminded about hydrocolloid bandages, and using them was fascinating. as it draws material out, it makes the surface of the bandage look like soft contained pus. Like ready to squeeze. only you CANNOT squeeze because it's a bandage.
seriously given my long storied history on poking picking and peeling, these hydrocolloid bandaids are a gift from the gods. i can massage over them but cannot actually poke the healing wound directly. i get the fun!pain but not the infection risk!
score!
and then like just night before last i finally really read the box for the hydrocolloid bandages, along with recommended use instructions. i had been peeling them off at the 24 hour mark, but it turns out you don't have to. they say since they're waterproof and seal in place that you can leave them on for literally DAYS. they say you can leave them off till they basically FALL OFF when their job is done. "product is designed to fall off on its own" it even says!
I actually was able to go in the hot tub yesterday with this waterproof bandage, and it felt really good.
so it's been on for ~48 hours now, and the cyst isn't aching anymore when I shift from vertical to horizontal and vice versa. That's a nice improvement. Been massaging the hard edges of the cyst, partly because fun!pain and partly because massage has been easing the pain.
I have great faith in massage. it's changed my life. sure it won't fix EVERYTHING but it's helped me so much over the years. and I've also previously resolved a crazy painful cyst on my inner labia by way of a massage technique, the same technique I describe in my previous cyst related post.
so i have this bandage, and a hard ring of tissue that's the margins of this cyst. It makes sense to me that cysts return after surgery... if you miss even a little bit of the keratin (which is the hard protein stuff in fingernails and claws and horns) of course the body would encyst it again. Plus the trauma to the skin and flesh that is having surgery... one of the risk factors for making cysts get bigger was trauma, soooooo.
so i'm feeling better, less pain in the thing, less itching and annoyance, and i'm curious about how it will resolve.
gonna hydrate thoroughly this morning (afternoon? whatever), maybe get a warm compress on it again, and have a relatively mellow rest of my afternoon.
i have a book club book to read for four, let's see if I can finish it. ;)
i started "managing" it by squeezing and massaging the ooze out of it.
the ooze is called keratin, it fills most epethelial cysts with some sebum or skin oil.
uhhh after four days of massaging and hot compresses and bandaids i researched these cysts and one of the things all the websites agreed on was NO TOUCHY but OOPS TOO LaTE and it was feeling tender and i couldnt tell if it was sore from me poking at it (and it hopefully trying to heal) or maybe from starting to feel infected? so i made sure to clean it thoroughly again and bandage it with neosporin...
then last weekend i was reminded about hydrocolloid bandages, and using them was fascinating. as it draws material out, it makes the surface of the bandage look like soft contained pus. Like ready to squeeze. only you CANNOT squeeze because it's a bandage.
seriously given my long storied history on poking picking and peeling, these hydrocolloid bandaids are a gift from the gods. i can massage over them but cannot actually poke the healing wound directly. i get the fun!pain but not the infection risk!
score!
and then like just night before last i finally really read the box for the hydrocolloid bandages, along with recommended use instructions. i had been peeling them off at the 24 hour mark, but it turns out you don't have to. they say since they're waterproof and seal in place that you can leave them on for literally DAYS. they say you can leave them off till they basically FALL OFF when their job is done. "product is designed to fall off on its own" it even says!
I actually was able to go in the hot tub yesterday with this waterproof bandage, and it felt really good.
so it's been on for ~48 hours now, and the cyst isn't aching anymore when I shift from vertical to horizontal and vice versa. That's a nice improvement. Been massaging the hard edges of the cyst, partly because fun!pain and partly because massage has been easing the pain.
I have great faith in massage. it's changed my life. sure it won't fix EVERYTHING but it's helped me so much over the years. and I've also previously resolved a crazy painful cyst on my inner labia by way of a massage technique, the same technique I describe in my previous cyst related post.
so i have this bandage, and a hard ring of tissue that's the margins of this cyst. It makes sense to me that cysts return after surgery... if you miss even a little bit of the keratin (which is the hard protein stuff in fingernails and claws and horns) of course the body would encyst it again. Plus the trauma to the skin and flesh that is having surgery... one of the risk factors for making cysts get bigger was trauma, soooooo.
so i'm feeling better, less pain in the thing, less itching and annoyance, and i'm curious about how it will resolve.
gonna hydrate thoroughly this morning (afternoon? whatever), maybe get a warm compress on it again, and have a relatively mellow rest of my afternoon.
i have a book club book to read for four, let's see if I can finish it. ;)
Tags:
I woke naturally and feeling well rested at 7. Dressed for the gym already (normal alarm just went off), read Facebook and Tumblr, and I'm not hurting this morning. The young lady who did my pedicure (I love the massage part, clearly!) Helped release a lot of the OW THAT HURTS that SIXTEEN HOURS OF STANDING on election day did to my body.
Made some new friends, more about that when I get back from the gym. Probably.
Made some new friends, more about that when I get back from the gym. Probably.
Tags:
I'm going to outlive this cat. I know it, I knew it, but now it's actually becoming obvious, his health is failing.
I haven't done the no no no tantrum often in my life, certainly it did no good for me to do so as a child...
Have you ever wanted to tackle the Reaper and drag it away from someone you love? Tangle it up in Its own robes, confuse and confound it?
How am I supposed to do this. How do I let, or help him, go across the rainbow bridge?
I haven't done the no no no tantrum often in my life, certainly it did no good for me to do so as a child...
Have you ever wanted to tackle the Reaper and drag it away from someone you love? Tangle it up in Its own robes, confuse and confound it?
How am I supposed to do this. How do I let, or help him, go across the rainbow bridge?
Feeling rather at sixes and sevens, with nothing concrete scheduled to keep my interest.
tried making something new with wire twisting, reasonable success for an improvisation.
ugh.
IDEK what I need today.
*sigh*
I really don't wanna fold laundry. This is however a task that needs doing.
Same for washing the floor where the cat pooped.
Same for washing the front door because i started it last night when I realized how dirty the white was, it looks gray, so there's one clean spot and mostly it's dirty. :-/
I could call the cat behaviorist (re: the cat pooping outside the box)
...so one good thing that I did for myself today (and might be undoing the benefit of, now, hunched over the laptop) is I went to the chiropractor, because UGH MY NECK
and now my neck and shoulder are both better, hardly hurt at all, and I can *basically* turn my head without pain, at least it;s a lot less pain.
so I did some self care, go me. maybe I just need to drink a lot more water and pee out my discomfort with ...whatever the hell I have going on.
okay. sun's fading, and I do plan to go dance my feet off tonight, fine.
I'll give a whack at both the cleaning jobs then, and see how close I am after that.
sorry for this dumb post, thanks for listening, I do feel like I may get a couple more things done before I go to dance class.
tried making something new with wire twisting, reasonable success for an improvisation.
ugh.
IDEK what I need today.
*sigh*
I really don't wanna fold laundry. This is however a task that needs doing.
Same for washing the floor where the cat pooped.
Same for washing the front door because i started it last night when I realized how dirty the white was, it looks gray, so there's one clean spot and mostly it's dirty. :-/
I could call the cat behaviorist (re: the cat pooping outside the box)
...so one good thing that I did for myself today (and might be undoing the benefit of, now, hunched over the laptop) is I went to the chiropractor, because UGH MY NECK
and now my neck and shoulder are both better, hardly hurt at all, and I can *basically* turn my head without pain, at least it;s a lot less pain.
so I did some self care, go me. maybe I just need to drink a lot more water and pee out my discomfort with ...whatever the hell I have going on.
okay. sun's fading, and I do plan to go dance my feet off tonight, fine.
I'll give a whack at both the cleaning jobs then, and see how close I am after that.
sorry for this dumb post, thanks for listening, I do feel like I may get a couple more things done before I go to dance class.
Tags:
Intimacy, for me as a person coded female, who mainly thinks of herself by a female perspective.
One thing that's been useful to me, having worked from home for the last almost ten years, is the ability to treat myself as a PERSON and to think of myself as a PERSON. it's also been a gift that Spouse has never tried to enforce performative femininity on me; nor has my extended family.
That's been part of how I've been able to develop trust with MYSELF.
Sometimes I feel like I'm yelling into the void when I think and talk about deprogramming myself of tons of stuff that my family and the wider culture(s) tried to train me into believing was true. Every statement that begins "everyone knows that" is part of that programming.
Most of the programming isn't even as straightforward as to *say* it like that. Mostly we're meant to infer meaning and context in a very subtle way. And when you're a kid, constructing meaning just to understand what's expected of you, it can get pretty poisonous and self-blaming. And we swallow the message hook line and sinker.
Intimacy wasn't anything I felt or received growing up. I didn't have friends. Books were the closest thing. Siblings were ... our relationships were fraught. My sister and I were too close in age, and my brother and I too far apart. My parents weren't trustworthy to where I could share any part of my emotional life, or be anything but guarded with them.
It's taken me so long. Decades. To heal from family. To learn how to feed myself emotionally, to learn who's trustworthy and who's not. To allow others to love me and feed me emotionally.
To allow the *luxury* of trust.
and I cannot permit intimacy without trust.
I read a post on Tumblr not long ago, it goes around pretty often, that says something like, "whenever I feel myself hating how I look, or wishing I was different or easier to be around, I ask myself, "who benefits from me thinking or believing this?" and then I feel a lot better."
I'm starting to examine some of my thoughts through this lens.
When I say to myself as I have often done, "I wish I could be a little sluttier, if I wasn't so picky, maybe I'd be having more good sex!" and then if I look at that thought through the lens above? who benefits from me thinking this?
well. People who'd like to have sex without building the trust first. They'd benefit. People who'd use me selfishly, they'd benefit.
But the thing is, I deserve to feel safe when giving the gift of my body and my attention and my sensuality.
I was just reading an article called the female price of male pleasure, and it just made so much sense, put into clean words on a page the assumptions that are made about women and men and sex, and who gives what and how much and WHY.
Intimacy is HARD WORK. If all you want is to get off and get out, then you don't see the point in building intimacy. If all you want is a quick fuck, ... but the problem is, the consequences of a quick fuck are always, almost always, worse for women.
If we fuck with out intimacy, without trust building and some kind of bond, if shit goes south (for instance if we get pregnant unexpectedly and unwantedly), then our health and our lives are changed. Dudes can book it, and often have.
Some dudes stay. Some dudes stay, but make everything WORSE. You can't even tell me I'm wrong about that.
So sex with penis having people, without intimacy, can be a bad gamble for women and other uterus having people.
Intimacy and trust make us less-consumable.
God. I just have so many feelings about all of this, and I can't quite organize my feelings-thoughts-words.
Here's my notes from when I started thinking about the topic:
Intimacy blog post part 2: trust and intimacy, intimacy and expectations, fear of betrayal, fear of trust breaking. Cultural expectations, ignorance, patterns of verbal abuse , being physically pressured into doing something you're not ready for …
More on this.
One thing that's been useful to me, having worked from home for the last almost ten years, is the ability to treat myself as a PERSON and to think of myself as a PERSON. it's also been a gift that Spouse has never tried to enforce performative femininity on me; nor has my extended family.
That's been part of how I've been able to develop trust with MYSELF.
Sometimes I feel like I'm yelling into the void when I think and talk about deprogramming myself of tons of stuff that my family and the wider culture(s) tried to train me into believing was true. Every statement that begins "everyone knows that" is part of that programming.
Most of the programming isn't even as straightforward as to *say* it like that. Mostly we're meant to infer meaning and context in a very subtle way. And when you're a kid, constructing meaning just to understand what's expected of you, it can get pretty poisonous and self-blaming. And we swallow the message hook line and sinker.
Intimacy wasn't anything I felt or received growing up. I didn't have friends. Books were the closest thing. Siblings were ... our relationships were fraught. My sister and I were too close in age, and my brother and I too far apart. My parents weren't trustworthy to where I could share any part of my emotional life, or be anything but guarded with them.
It's taken me so long. Decades. To heal from family. To learn how to feed myself emotionally, to learn who's trustworthy and who's not. To allow others to love me and feed me emotionally.
To allow the *luxury* of trust.
and I cannot permit intimacy without trust.
I read a post on Tumblr not long ago, it goes around pretty often, that says something like, "whenever I feel myself hating how I look, or wishing I was different or easier to be around, I ask myself, "who benefits from me thinking or believing this?" and then I feel a lot better."
I'm starting to examine some of my thoughts through this lens.
When I say to myself as I have often done, "I wish I could be a little sluttier, if I wasn't so picky, maybe I'd be having more good sex!" and then if I look at that thought through the lens above? who benefits from me thinking this?
well. People who'd like to have sex without building the trust first. They'd benefit. People who'd use me selfishly, they'd benefit.
But the thing is, I deserve to feel safe when giving the gift of my body and my attention and my sensuality.
I was just reading an article called the female price of male pleasure, and it just made so much sense, put into clean words on a page the assumptions that are made about women and men and sex, and who gives what and how much and WHY.
Intimacy is HARD WORK. If all you want is to get off and get out, then you don't see the point in building intimacy. If all you want is a quick fuck, ... but the problem is, the consequences of a quick fuck are always, almost always, worse for women.
If we fuck with out intimacy, without trust building and some kind of bond, if shit goes south (for instance if we get pregnant unexpectedly and unwantedly), then our health and our lives are changed. Dudes can book it, and often have.
Some dudes stay. Some dudes stay, but make everything WORSE. You can't even tell me I'm wrong about that.
So sex with penis having people, without intimacy, can be a bad gamble for women and other uterus having people.
Intimacy and trust make us less-consumable.
God. I just have so many feelings about all of this, and I can't quite organize my feelings-thoughts-words.
Here's my notes from when I started thinking about the topic:
Intimacy blog post part 2: trust and intimacy, intimacy and expectations, fear of betrayal, fear of trust breaking. Cultural expectations, ignorance, patterns of verbal abuse , being physically pressured into doing something you're not ready for …
Tags:
This weekend Jeff is travelling with our gf Jenn. So not to feel lonely, I set myself up with a lot of social things, in multiple cases things I'd never done before.
Friday night I went to Renee's birthday party.
Saturday I went to a Halloween party that Amy and Bill and Kimberly were invited to, and they included me.
Sunday I went with Luisa to a Sikh temple for what I thought at the start was a Diwali celebration but upon reflection, may have been a regular Sunday service.
I could unpack and tell stories about each of those days, but this morning when I woke up I realized there were two specific things I wanted to write about.
one is: three straight days with extroverting.
two is: two straight days with going out around new people while dressing high femme. Even did makeup and hair. wow
yeaaaaaah. that was kind of a lot of effort, you know? Both those things.
I have tried to convince myself for literally YEARS that I'm an extrovert. I'm actually coming to realize that I'm almost certainly an introvert EXCEPT FOR THE FACT that my default mode when I "introvert" is to HERMIT.
and then I don't see people, I don't touch or get touched, I get depressed, and it sucks.
maybe I just suck at the introverting. Today's a kinda gross brainweasel kinda day already, I'm working on managing my pain and getting some food so I can brain better, and I still have to take my morning meds.
maybe I don't suck at the introverting, but there's something else going on there.
but I'm pretty sure I do suck at the introverting.
also, though, i seem to have hard anxiety at the extroverting. GAH
or maybe it's just that I did three days of being around People I Don't Know and that's stressful.
*sigh*
okay, now it's time to take a moment about the femme thing.
I've been tending to dress butch for several years now. Jeff never expressed that he cared about how I dressed except to say that he didn't really like women wearing makeup and that he didn't do well with lots of perfume. So for several years I dressed practically. I didn't have any kind of expected or cultural dress code to meet, not since graduating waldorf in 2011, so I've been wearing a lot of jeans, cargo shorts, nerdy tee shirts, sandals, and or boots.
this year I decided I was going to try and reclaim some of the femme I used to *think* I knew how to do.
yeaaaaaah.
Briefly, dressing butch /feels/ like blending in, dressing femme /feels/ like "look at me, look at me!" and I have anxiety over being seen. I don't feel like I know how to handle it when I am /seen/.
when i was a kid i was humongous levels of anxious (I was going to say "ridiculous levels of anxious" but this shit ain't ridiculous it's fuckin' SAD because I didn't have any safe place or people growing up. I couldn't even trust my parents). I used to pretend I had some means of being invisible. Because if I couldn't be safe with people, maybe I could make them leave me alone.
I can trust and relax around small groups of people. five or six seems to be the maximum.
Eye contact is hard except when either I don't care or it's low emotional stakes, like with a waiter or a clerk in a store, or when I really trust someone.
I don't know if that makes me odd, "normal" or just me.
I feel a little better just introducing this topic here (these topics? is flavors of anxiety a single topic or a multiple topic?) and also incidentally finally getting my breakfast and caffeine an hour or more after waking.
self care yay!
body still hurts, going to see what I can do about that. I feel like a tightly wound spring, if a tightly wound spring could still have healing soft tissue damage post RSI and post broken bones. UGH
i'm fuckin ridiculous.
Friday night I went to Renee's birthday party.
Saturday I went to a Halloween party that Amy and Bill and Kimberly were invited to, and they included me.
Sunday I went with Luisa to a Sikh temple for what I thought at the start was a Diwali celebration but upon reflection, may have been a regular Sunday service.
I could unpack and tell stories about each of those days, but this morning when I woke up I realized there were two specific things I wanted to write about.
one is: three straight days with extroverting.
two is: two straight days with going out around new people while dressing high femme. Even did makeup and hair. wow
yeaaaaaah. that was kind of a lot of effort, you know? Both those things.
I have tried to convince myself for literally YEARS that I'm an extrovert. I'm actually coming to realize that I'm almost certainly an introvert EXCEPT FOR THE FACT that my default mode when I "introvert" is to HERMIT.
and then I don't see people, I don't touch or get touched, I get depressed, and it sucks.
maybe I just suck at the introverting. Today's a kinda gross brainweasel kinda day already, I'm working on managing my pain and getting some food so I can brain better, and I still have to take my morning meds.
maybe I don't suck at the introverting, but there's something else going on there.
but I'm pretty sure I do suck at the introverting.
also, though, i seem to have hard anxiety at the extroverting. GAH
or maybe it's just that I did three days of being around People I Don't Know and that's stressful.
*sigh*
okay, now it's time to take a moment about the femme thing.
I've been tending to dress butch for several years now. Jeff never expressed that he cared about how I dressed except to say that he didn't really like women wearing makeup and that he didn't do well with lots of perfume. So for several years I dressed practically. I didn't have any kind of expected or cultural dress code to meet, not since graduating waldorf in 2011, so I've been wearing a lot of jeans, cargo shorts, nerdy tee shirts, sandals, and or boots.
this year I decided I was going to try and reclaim some of the femme I used to *think* I knew how to do.
yeaaaaaah.
Briefly, dressing butch /feels/ like blending in, dressing femme /feels/ like "look at me, look at me!" and I have anxiety over being seen. I don't feel like I know how to handle it when I am /seen/.
when i was a kid i was humongous levels of anxious (I was going to say "ridiculous levels of anxious" but this shit ain't ridiculous it's fuckin' SAD because I didn't have any safe place or people growing up. I couldn't even trust my parents). I used to pretend I had some means of being invisible. Because if I couldn't be safe with people, maybe I could make them leave me alone.
I can trust and relax around small groups of people. five or six seems to be the maximum.
Eye contact is hard except when either I don't care or it's low emotional stakes, like with a waiter or a clerk in a store, or when I really trust someone.
I don't know if that makes me odd, "normal" or just me.
I feel a little better just introducing this topic here (these topics? is flavors of anxiety a single topic or a multiple topic?) and also incidentally finally getting my breakfast and caffeine an hour or more after waking.
self care yay!
body still hurts, going to see what I can do about that. I feel like a tightly wound spring, if a tightly wound spring could still have healing soft tissue damage post RSI and post broken bones. UGH
i'm fuckin ridiculous.
Tags:
y'all, if you've broken yourself and you still have pain, may I recommend seeing a good chiropractor?
*emphasis on GOOD*
I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)
Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.
tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.
y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!
and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.
I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.
but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.
healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.
I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.
Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.
*emphasis on GOOD*
I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)
Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.
tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.
y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!
and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.
I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.
but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.
healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.
I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.
Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.
Tags:
This morning I wake up and at least my hand isn't swollen and I can basically close my fingers into a fist. The last two joints of the pinky are still swollen and sore and my ring finger is sore and doesn't want to curl up completely. Shoulders are tight, glad I've been spending the time with the theracane under my shoulder blade and the back of my arm... consistently tight muscles back there, hurt. Have trouble putting my arms behind my back or doing any much back there especially anything that needs strength or precision. Today's Thursday and is better than earlier this week. Monday dance I made a point of trying to extend my arms out and back from the shoulder sockets and explore flexibility in dance context. My shit is still sore but a little bit better. It keeps swinging between fuck this hurts and well that almost doesn't hurt.
*Sigh* tired o all the PT I've been doing. Looking forward to seeing the chiropractor tomorrow, as he usually manages to release a ton of musculoskeletal tension for me and usually the pain is significant ly better for awhile. Pain sucks and I've been cracking my neck a couple of times per day. Shoulder has been hitching up and forward and it just throws me back into the cycle of pain.
*Sigh* tired o all the PT I've been doing. Looking forward to seeing the chiropractor tomorrow, as he usually manages to release a ton of musculoskeletal tension for me and usually the pain is significant ly better for awhile. Pain sucks and I've been cracking my neck a couple of times per day. Shoulder has been hitching up and forward and it just throws me back into the cycle of pain.
Tags:
- healing,
- ow,
- pain,
- pt exercise
I am sorry that it took me this long to recognize how patient you were with me, and how hard you tried to trust me and to let me be a part of your lives. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for us to continue being friends. Despite the pain we ended up causing each other, there was some good stuff there that I miss. But we really had so many communication problems that I really think it was for the best to end things and cut contact.
I don't want to see you or talk to either of you anymore, because we both broke each other's trust in the process of progressive miscommunication. And I don't spend more time than I have to anymore with people who I can't trust not to hurt me.
I wish you as well with your lives as is possible under the circumstances, and may you not break trust again as you broke mine; may I never break another's trust again as I broke yours.
I don't want to see you or talk to either of you anymore, because we both broke each other's trust in the process of progressive miscommunication. And I don't spend more time than I have to anymore with people who I can't trust not to hurt me.
I wish you as well with your lives as is possible under the circumstances, and may you not break trust again as you broke mine; may I never break another's trust again as I broke yours.
Tags: