Be the change you want to see.

I got to have sex this morning! And that was fun!

What is less fun is realizing that I still have landmines about sex about being female, how about my role in the world and my safety, about what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to put up with.

When I was a kid mom used to say, as she was putting my hair up in hot rollers, we must suffer to be beautiful. I'm a hot rollers had pokey bits that would dig into your scalp. And they had hot metal that would sometimes burn your ear. And the meta message that I took away was you should just suffer and put up with it.

And the world taught me, that being a woman meant suffering, even being a girl meant suffering. The Christian overculture always talks about the sin of Eve, and there's that one passage in the Bible about how because Eve tempted Adam she was just meant to have pain and suffering having a baby would be painful etc. And honestly? That message carries over into medical practice, into prescription practice. Women's Period and pelvic pain is gaslighted, denied, downplayed.

And there are so many other meta messages about women and pain. The number of stories about your first time having sex is painful, like I really expected that. And today 31 years after The first time I had penis in vagina sex, I found myself feeling pain, feeling chafed and considering just enduring it. I heard my brain go Oh just suck it up, you can get through this, and a split second later I made us pause and ask for some lube. And it got a little better and easier, because I spoke up for myself and because my partner is not like the dumb boys that I had sex with in my twenties. And he's not selfish. But the fact that I seriously considered continuing on though I was in pain. Make me think about other meta messages that are still in my brain.

When the question of your financial security, and your physical security, can be contingent on your ability to please your mate. And this is happening everyday all across the world, women finding a way to please their mate, in other ways too but also sexually, out of fear that they will be cast aside, seen as disposable, will be replaced by someone who's more compliant, younger or more pleasing in some other way.

And I'm realizing today that a big part of where my fear came from when Jeff and I were having sexual incompatibilities, was from that particular meme. He will cast me aside. He will find somebody younger, with whom he's more sexually compatible,... That was a particularly strong fear for a while after I was unable to conceive. I wasn't sure how strong his desire to have a kid was, and my s***** brain did actually think at some point, well I risked my life to do this, that must count for something.

It just feels like he's been having to earn my trust over and over and over again, because the world hates women? And I've internalized a lot about that, not like you could avoid it! But yeah I have put up with a lot over the decades, I have had abusive and neglectful partners, I've had a gas lighting partner, I put up with really s***** treatment from poly partners other partner. And I'm just I'm stunned by how the world is full of all of us walking wounded and how many of us are still trying to dig our way through this complete swamp filled with b*******, and God I wish the speech to text would go ahead and let me cuss. Long slow exhale, going to go get some lunch, and just throw this up here, so that I can share it in therapy today.

I'm about to turn fifty years old this year (2019) and I pretty much only just realized that I can wear clothes that FEEL GOOD over those that look any kind of way. My jewelry can be comfortable, fit in ways I like, and be pleasing to my eye rather than any fashion trend. My skirts can flow in ways that feel good, can hug my curves instead of confine/conceal them. My pants are durable, practical, and almost all have POCKETS. My haircut is cute and comfortable and doesn't need much upkeep, just a cut every two months.

I just watched the clips of Evangeline Lilly talking about wearing superhero spandex and how the male actors complained, and then she brought her four inch stiletto heels up above the interview table and says "maybe they never had to get used to the low level all day discomfort that is women's clothing"

And that, my friends, is a POINT. I love wearing flat shoes with grippy soles, and cargo shorts (which aren't made in my size on the women's side of the store but are on the men's side) because Clothes Can Be Comfortable and Practical and Fuck Fashion Norms if that makes me "gender non confirming" then that's what I am.

I'm wearing comfortable clothes and shoes, and I have the privilege that I can walk with such confidence that nobody dares give me shit to my face.

WEAR COMFORTABLE CLOTHES.

Let's create our own new normal.

#women's clothing #women's fashion #women's rights #women's health #comfort above all #posted on Tumblr

https://labelleizzy.tumblr.com/post/185514699192/womens-clothing

Reblog from Tumblr if you want to.

Monday was a giant success in the Moving My Body department.
Matter of fact, I'm more than a bit sore today, in ways I haven't in weeks and weeks, so that's good.
(it's good because SORE is different than Injured or Impaired.)

Monday morning I met wrenb at the gym for to try a new yoga class. Hadn't had a Hatha Yoga class in, well, at least a couple of years. *shrug* been doing other things, haven't had enough interest to go there, and it had seemed that the so-called Gentle Yoga was serving my yoga needs... But this Hatha class was very enjoyable and a good amount of challenge while not being a huge strain. Even if the teacher did look at me among others (I think I was the only roundy woman in the room) when she asked if any of us were new to yoga, I didn't mind. I was mildly amused, and smiled gently at her.

And then it was quite a good and thorough workout. The sacroiliac joint, where my chiropractor was working on me previously, made quite the series of long crackly readjustments toward the end of the session during a hip twisting stretch before savasana. It never hurts, but it still feels strange, like ... like pulling apart warm rice crispy treats. Only with a crunch with every stretch.

After Yoga, I spent some time with wrenb, her husband, and her kids at a local park for part of the afternoon, then went home, took care of various personal and house things, and had something to eat before meeting wrenb again for dance...5Rhythms in Mountain View. They meet, WE meet, at the Masonic Temple and use their ballroom for dancing. It's a HUMONGOUS lot of fun, although it's also challenging. Claire, the teacher, encourages all kinds of heart-centered meditation practices, and often has us try new exercises meant to break through the walls around our hearts, or break through our fears and engrained habits of self-image.

Claire ran an exercise last night that I know as a theater game... Everyone circles up. Then the teacher starts with simple statements: Walk across the circle if you identify as male. ...as female ... as somewhere in between (two people I like, crossed the circle at that point, visually seeming as one of each gender).

Questions moved to a popcorn format eventually: Have you ever had your heart broken, have you ever been divorced, have you lost a parent, are you a grandparent, did you have a challenging day, did you have a good day, did you identify as other than heterosexual? (I walked for that one.) Have you lost an SO or a child? Are you now or have you been dealing with cancer. (I walked for that one as well, though a tiny bit of skin cancer hardly feels /worthy/, you know? But my little brother Scott died from cancer, so did my uncles Leo (leukemia) and Dino (skin cancer gone metastatic) and my cousin Jeff (testicular, he was only 6 months older than me), so fuck that, I will keep it in mind)

I danced a LOT. and I made an effort to dance with other people. 5 Rhythms isn't like ballroom or country dances, everyone dances alone most of the time, but people play together occasionally, in twos or threes or occasionally in hug-circles kind of things. It was good.

It wasn't an effort, like it usually is, to let someone come ask me (nonverbally) for contact or play. It flowed well, and was fun, silly, joyful. My native state. =D

More of this. Moving is joyful.