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I got to have sex this morning! And that was fun!
What is less fun is realizing that I still have landmines about sex about being female, how about my role in the world and my safety, about what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to put up with.
When I was a kid mom used to say, as she was putting my hair up in hot rollers, we must suffer to be beautiful. I'm a hot rollers had pokey bits that would dig into your scalp. And they had hot metal that would sometimes burn your ear. And the meta message that I took away was you should just suffer and put up with it.
And the world taught me, that being a woman meant suffering, even being a girl meant suffering. The Christian overculture always talks about the sin of Eve, and there's that one passage in the Bible about how because Eve tempted Adam she was just meant to have pain and suffering having a baby would be painful etc. And honestly? That message carries over into medical practice, into prescription practice. Women's Period and pelvic pain is gaslighted, denied, downplayed.
And there are so many other meta messages about women and pain. The number of stories about your first time having sex is painful, like I really expected that. And today 31 years after The first time I had penis in vagina sex, I found myself feeling pain, feeling chafed and considering just enduring it. I heard my brain go Oh just suck it up, you can get through this, and a split second later I made us pause and ask for some lube. And it got a little better and easier, because I spoke up for myself and because my partner is not like the dumb boys that I had sex with in my twenties. And he's not selfish. But the fact that I seriously considered continuing on though I was in pain. Make me think about other meta messages that are still in my brain.
When the question of your financial security, and your physical security, can be contingent on your ability to please your mate. And this is happening everyday all across the world, women finding a way to please their mate, in other ways too but also sexually, out of fear that they will be cast aside, seen as disposable, will be replaced by someone who's more compliant, younger or more pleasing in some other way.
And I'm realizing today that a big part of where my fear came from when Jeff and I were having sexual incompatibilities, was from that particular meme. He will cast me aside. He will find somebody younger, with whom he's more sexually compatible,... That was a particularly strong fear for a while after I was unable to conceive. I wasn't sure how strong his desire to have a kid was, and my s***** brain did actually think at some point, well I risked my life to do this, that must count for something.
It just feels like he's been having to earn my trust over and over and over again, because the world hates women? And I've internalized a lot about that, not like you could avoid it! But yeah I have put up with a lot over the decades, I have had abusive and neglectful partners, I've had a gas lighting partner, I put up with really s***** treatment from poly partners other partner. And I'm just I'm stunned by how the world is full of all of us walking wounded and how many of us are still trying to dig our way through this complete swamp filled with b*******, and God I wish the speech to text would go ahead and let me cuss. Long slow exhale, going to go get some lunch, and just throw this up here, so that I can share it in therapy today.
What is less fun is realizing that I still have landmines about sex about being female, how about my role in the world and my safety, about what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to put up with.
When I was a kid mom used to say, as she was putting my hair up in hot rollers, we must suffer to be beautiful. I'm a hot rollers had pokey bits that would dig into your scalp. And they had hot metal that would sometimes burn your ear. And the meta message that I took away was you should just suffer and put up with it.
And the world taught me, that being a woman meant suffering, even being a girl meant suffering. The Christian overculture always talks about the sin of Eve, and there's that one passage in the Bible about how because Eve tempted Adam she was just meant to have pain and suffering having a baby would be painful etc. And honestly? That message carries over into medical practice, into prescription practice. Women's Period and pelvic pain is gaslighted, denied, downplayed.
And there are so many other meta messages about women and pain. The number of stories about your first time having sex is painful, like I really expected that. And today 31 years after The first time I had penis in vagina sex, I found myself feeling pain, feeling chafed and considering just enduring it. I heard my brain go Oh just suck it up, you can get through this, and a split second later I made us pause and ask for some lube. And it got a little better and easier, because I spoke up for myself and because my partner is not like the dumb boys that I had sex with in my twenties. And he's not selfish. But the fact that I seriously considered continuing on though I was in pain. Make me think about other meta messages that are still in my brain.
When the question of your financial security, and your physical security, can be contingent on your ability to please your mate. And this is happening everyday all across the world, women finding a way to please their mate, in other ways too but also sexually, out of fear that they will be cast aside, seen as disposable, will be replaced by someone who's more compliant, younger or more pleasing in some other way.
And I'm realizing today that a big part of where my fear came from when Jeff and I were having sexual incompatibilities, was from that particular meme. He will cast me aside. He will find somebody younger, with whom he's more sexually compatible,... That was a particularly strong fear for a while after I was unable to conceive. I wasn't sure how strong his desire to have a kid was, and my s***** brain did actually think at some point, well I risked my life to do this, that must count for something.
It just feels like he's been having to earn my trust over and over and over again, because the world hates women? And I've internalized a lot about that, not like you could avoid it! But yeah I have put up with a lot over the decades, I have had abusive and neglectful partners, I've had a gas lighting partner, I put up with really s***** treatment from poly partners other partner. And I'm just I'm stunned by how the world is full of all of us walking wounded and how many of us are still trying to dig our way through this complete swamp filled with b*******, and God I wish the speech to text would go ahead and let me cuss. Long slow exhale, going to go get some lunch, and just throw this up here, so that I can share it in therapy today.
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The first time I refused sex with James, part of my brain was POSITIVE he would leave me. I mean, what? And I sobbed and apologized, and he was TOTALLY BAFFLED, because he's a good person and thinks having sex with someone who doesn't want it is not an attractive concept at all.
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And I was in despair and talked about it in therapy and was bearing the culture induced shame of being an undesirable wife.
Something clicked for me finally, in the last year. Maybe the ongoing perimenopause is finally ramping down my hormones.
But I'm no longer ashamed of wanting to have sex, and I'm not waiting for him to want to initiate sex with me. I ask him periodically, and I self-pleasure when I want to, and I let him know if I want to be alone at those times or if I'd accept company of some form.
And he's good with that, like we discussed it in couple's therapy and I made a little sign for the bedroom doorknob *laughs*
It's a better place for me to live than angstily believing some kind of bullshit about how he doesn't love me because he's not fucking me very often, because his other gestures absolutely indicate that he DOES LOVE ME.
maybe it's something to do with how I've learned about asexuality and aromantic personalities You can love somebody and not want to have sex with them you can want to have sex with somebody and not love them It's not all one entire one faceted package deal that only takes one form.
Learning about libido mismatches and having friends talk about that in relationships they've had, was also helpful.
In the end we're just people, and people have to work on their happily ever after, don't we? We have to communicate and have bad days and spats, practice self control, work together on things AND work separately on things.
Whew. That was a lot!
Thanks for reaching out and commenting and sharing your own moment.
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(And you're SUCH a good writer.)
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But I love doing the Wordsmith thing, so I will let the compliment float there while I contemplate it and try to own it.
Thank you for saying so.
✒️💚✒️
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*smooch* Yay, sex! and hooray for communication around it that is blame-free.