labelleizzy: (Default)
Just had a massage focused on my hand/arm that's still healing up from our NYE car wreck. She started at my neck, chiseled some out of my shoulders and pectorals, went down my right arm and my biceps/triceps, the muscles that wrap around the elbow, the stuff in between the long radius and ulna, stretched the right places in my hand and wrist, gods bless her. Did a little under my shoulder blades which also helped.
So much better.
Now I want to have a day doing physical things.
labelleizzy: (strong)
This whole series is public, if you have any interest in fat folks getting more fit.

One thing I'm realizing/have realized about recovery from the old ACL injury and the surgery ten years after the original injury, is the degree to which the body adapts to such an injury. Ive been working out hard since 2011, first doing prehab, then surgery Nov 1, 2011, then post surgical rehab.

Old snarls and pains and general fucked upped ness persist for years. The injury persisted for years, it's just logical upon reflection, but i had some magical thinking going into the surgery four years ago... Not just about this, but about a number of things, regrettably.

Any road, four plus years of work has already been paying off, in strength, flexibility, confidence, stress management, and a slow but gradual improvement for most of my physical concerns.

Today, however, today was special. For context: Over the weekend i had an unwelcome sudden unexpected back spasm. Spasms like that have been really really uncommon since i started working out with trainers at the gym but used to happen ALL the time, both when i was injured and during my very sedentary, book lovin', inactive childhood. To repeat, since the knee surgery replaced the necessary ACL structure in my knee, i haven't been used to that kind of occurrence, not for around four years.

Today my body felt... Different. Easier. Like, even on both sides of my hips. Like, both legs feeling the *same*. And the tailbone thats been bothering me, also feels eased. Flexibility is surprisingly good today, i could put my foot on the top rail of the stretch barre, and i could squat further without feeling the danger!pain in my knee, hip, or hamstring.

I'm thinking now that maybe that brief back spasm might have been the last of the old adaptations, finally letting go now that the rest of my body has been strengthened and trained and appropriately balanced to do naturally what bodies are supposed to.

(Hint: it ain't sitting on my ass reading and silent for hours every day as i did during my childhood.)

*happy sigh* i love to move, now. It's a joyful thing.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
I woke up this morning to sweet cuddles and caresses from a warm sleepy husband. Nothing more than cuddles this time, as he read his newspaper with one hand and ran the other absent mindedly over my head. I felt like a cat in a lap, warm and contented and loved. When he rose to wash up, I worked on my morning stretches. It feels so good to move the body, the First Home, to have it respond so sweetly to my requests. Bodies are wonderful, they soak up the sunlight and warmth, they feel the touch of loved ones, they can work, kiss, write, interpret for the brain. Bodies are the filters through which we experience pleasure, all the pleasures. Sex and food and running and tickling, laughter and back scratches and massage, intoxication of love or of good wine. I am in good health, able to accomplish what I set out to do of a day without more than slight pains or discomfort. Doing pretty well for a middle-aged woman whose favorite activities are writing, gardening, and cooking.
I am thankful for my body.

When I finished my stretches and my morning meditation, my husband had begun preparing breakfast. I always boil a pot of black tea for myself, as he doesn’t care for it. We had crepes with ham and cheese and apple, and a dash of maple syrup. Then he got on the computer to book hotel reservations and make other arrangements for our upcoming trip, and then we worked together on preparing the Thanksgiving duck. Last night he was working for hours, between research on a project for our house, fine tuning a home improvement project (this required a skill saw that lets him cut a tidy hole in the wall for a new electrical outlet). Before that, he had been supervising the final stages of some work being done in our yard.
I am thankful for my husband.

My life is very abundant. The loving husband and friends and chosen family and biological family are all blessings to me. Though I have never carried to term, I am a beloved auntie and sister-mom to many children, I have worked in schools with many children, I have loved many children. I am surrounded by friends who seek my company. I am surrounded by people who speak and write to me with supportive and kind words, who encourage my artistic endeavors, who inspire me with how they work and play and strive to build a better world.
I am thankful for my community, and the connections within it.

My home is colorful and comfortable. We have quilts on the beds, clothes in the closets, warm curtains against the chill. We have an outdoor space that is green and lovely, with water and earth and space to grow food. We have a kitchen and a living room with space to entertain comfortably, and food enough in the pantry and refrigerator to feed people we like and love. Our soft and lazy felines nap in the sunshine, on our laps, atop stereo speakers and under the kitchen table. They love us, rub against us, talk to us, chide us when the food is late or the box unscooped, and their antics continue to make us laugh down the years.
I am thankful for our lovely house, and for our sweet cats.

Recently I have been writing very prolifically. The ideas and images have been flowing easily to my pen and my screen, and releasing them and arranging them has been giving me great joy. For many years now, I seek the printed word for comfort, whether reading them or writing them. I feel like I am hitting “the zone”, as runners do, as other artists do. The words are friendly and flirty and I handle them comfortably, even when they zip and zing and burn, even when they are as cold and mean as dry ice.
I am so very thankful for the words and for my muse, and for the privilege of crafting with words.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
Is your body YOU?
Is it all of you, part of you?
Does your body carry "you" around?
Is your body different from "you"?

I had a knee injury for fifteen years. As of November, that's 1/3 of my life. I had ACL replacement surgery 2.5 years ago.
And I've now been doing prehab, rehab, and working with a trainer for three years.

When do I get used to THIS body? This body is tons stronger and more flexible. This body can Do Stuff I wasn't able to do before. In this body my feet stay parallel instead of duck-footing to try and keep the knee stable. This body can balance on one leg to put a sock on, and hold a high plank position for almost a full minute, and roll out of bed without effort or pain. So many changes.

I keep getting shocked by this body... In good ways, true, and I know intellectually that I've worked hard to get here. But my gut, my feelings, keep expecting ... Like that this is too good to be true? Like somehow, without warning, I will automagically return to pain, and weakness, and brokenness.

Why can't I believe that my body has become strong? Why is it so hard to use that word to describe myself?


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

labelleizzy: (strong)
When I was little I thought I was just BAD at chores. They were so hard, so much work. And Mom made things like making beds and folding sheets look effortless.
I've been realizing lately that I bought into the childhood meme of if it's hard for you to do, you're not meant to get good at it.
Which sucks, because determination has been dearly bought, down the years.

Another take on the first thing, is: My Mom was Strong. Like PHYSICALLY strong, because she Did Stuff all the time.
And I didn't realize till now, THAT'S the lesson I wish I'd learned. It's not the one I did then, but I can learn it now.

Today I went to the gym again. Ran into [livejournal.com profile] angelkatharine toward the end of my hour working with Tal, said hi, got to check in briefly once Tal and I were done.

Today Tal ran me through three different supersets of ten minutes length, and I had to keep moving the whole time, for ten minutes straight.
And it was WORK.
But it didn't kill me, not even a little bit (though those long muscles at the side-back are sore right now...)

I did that work, three sets of ten minutes not stopping, and it totally Did Not Suck.
And I could do All The Things, and do them well.

(Though I find that when I'm totally engaged in weights or body-weight training, I spend all my mental forces making sure my form is good, and I lose the ability to count, even to ten.)

This is a Thing. This is a Thing that I can DO, now.

Somehow I have to accept the wonder at my own ...ability.
And somehow I have to accept this as The New Normal because there's Shit I Wanna Do that involves me getting even stronger and more flexible, even than this.

After so long of struggling to Do Stuff... Now I can.

(this post brought to you by making the Guest Bed and shaking out the sheets and blankets and making everything smooth and pretty, and I Just Did It. It didn't hurt and it wasn't any huge effort, and this is... this is uncharted territory. Physical competence and emotional equilibrium. I've never had both at the same time.)
labelleizzy: (creating yourself)
Today's massage was pretty darn good. This was the first time in recent memory that I showed up for a massage with nothing actually hurting or needing the therapeutic work. So on the therapist's suggestion, I opted for a relaxation massage. That was nice, and he (he and I are new at working together) seemed much more comfortable in this mode than the sports-therapy massage I requested two weeks ago. So that went well.

I'd had Wrenb drop me off for my appointment, we'd been doing errands together, so I opted to walk home via the bike trail. Less than two miles, I figured...
(How tough could it be, right?)

Oh dear.

Upside: no muscles are sore, my back is fine and my endurance for such things is hugely increased over the last time I took a long walk like this.

Downside? My shoes/boots weren't entirely the optimal choice for a long walk down the asphalt bike path. No heel blisters, thank Hermes, but I have blisters. Under my calluses. On the balls of both feet.

And the first of the early morning workouts with Tal and Tshuma. Like ready to work at 8 am early, when I usually roll out of bed between 8 and 8:30 kind of thing.

Oh well. I'll make it march somehow, and Tal probably has ane encyclopedia of things I could work on without straining foot blisters.

I have faith. Tomorrow will be good, and I will work hard, because I want to be tougher and stronger.

That's that.

Now to check in on Spouse and Tshuma, and rustle myself some more food.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

labelleizzy: (i dance)
Monday was a giant success in the Moving My Body department.
Matter of fact, I'm more than a bit sore today, in ways I haven't in weeks and weeks, so that's good.
(it's good because SORE is different than Injured or Impaired.)

Monday morning I met [livejournal.com profile] wrenb at the gym for to try a new yoga class. Hadn't had a Hatha Yoga class in, well, at least a couple of years. *shrug* been doing other things, haven't had enough interest to go there, and it had seemed that the so-called Gentle Yoga was serving my yoga needs... But this Hatha class was very enjoyable and a good amount of challenge while not being a huge strain. Even if the teacher did look at me among others (I think I was the only roundy woman in the room) when she asked if any of us were new to yoga, I didn't mind. I was mildly amused, and smiled gently at her.

And then it was quite a good and thorough workout. The sacroiliac joint, where my chiropractor was working on me previously, made quite the series of long crackly readjustments toward the end of the session during a hip twisting stretch before savasana. It never hurts, but it still feels strange, like ... like pulling apart warm rice crispy treats. Only with a crunch with every stretch.

After Yoga, I spent some time with [livejournal.com profile] wrenb, her husband, and her kids at a local park for part of the afternoon, then went home, took care of various personal and house things, and had something to eat before meeting [livejournal.com profile] wrenb again for dance...5Rhythms in Mountain View. They meet, WE meet, at the Masonic Temple and use their ballroom for dancing. It's a HUMONGOUS lot of fun, although it's also challenging. Claire, the teacher, encourages all kinds of heart-centered meditation practices, and often has us try new exercises meant to break through the walls around our hearts, or break through our fears and engrained habits of self-image.

Claire ran an exercise last night that I know as a theater game... Everyone circles up. Then the teacher starts with simple statements: Walk across the circle if you identify as male. ...as female ... as somewhere in between (two people I like, crossed the circle at that point, visually seeming as one of each gender).

Questions moved to a popcorn format eventually: Have you ever had your heart broken, have you ever been divorced, have you lost a parent, are you a grandparent, did you have a challenging day, did you have a good day, did you identify as other than heterosexual? (I walked for that one.) Have you lost an SO or a child? Are you now or have you been dealing with cancer. (I walked for that one as well, though a tiny bit of skin cancer hardly feels /worthy/, you know? But my little brother Scott died from cancer, so did my uncles Leo (leukemia) and Dino (skin cancer gone metastatic) and my cousin Jeff (testicular, he was only 6 months older than me), so fuck that, I will keep it in mind)

I danced a LOT. and I made an effort to dance with other people. 5 Rhythms isn't like ballroom or country dances, everyone dances alone most of the time, but people play together occasionally, in twos or threes or occasionally in hug-circles kind of things. It was good.

It wasn't an effort, like it usually is, to let someone come ask me (nonverbally) for contact or play. It flowed well, and was fun, silly, joyful. My native state. =D

More of this. Moving is joyful.
labelleizzy: (yoga)
Today's workout was a check-in day to start with. Did a weigh in, body fat percent check. Both are down, weight and body fat. That's because now I have some muscle to work with.

*nodding* YEEEEAH. *flex*

Lots of dynamic-stability work today. Squats into biceps curls, inverted rowing (where you let your body plank backwards and row up using handles suspended from the structure above you), backward lunges into knee-up and twist at the waist. Wow. A lateral leaping from side to side that makes me feel like an Olympic speed-skater. Jogging in place by hop-touching my toes to one of the lower boxes (or sometimes the Bosu half-ball)

Rats. I wish that I listed all my exercises every time I worked out. I know how to DO quite a few exercises, but I'm not necessarily going to remember them in a useful sequence when I go to do them for myself.

Well, doing something is a damn sight better than doing nothing.

Oh! and today, Tal actually had me RUN. 4.0 mph on the treadmill. We did intervals: it was something like 4 minutes of walking to get up to 3.5 mph fast walk, then kicked it over and started to jog for one minute, walk one minute, jog, walk, jog, and then walk to cool down, making note of heart rate both on the way building up to running, and during the cool-down.

But RUNNING! *SQUEE*

And now I have two homeworks.

One is to write up my food intake like I've been supposed to for like three months.
Two is to do that jog-walk interval training at least three times a week for the next three weeks. (and probably beyond that.)

Here is the progress-check since I started to seriously work out again last April (with Tal).

Surgery knee: stable, and up for all kinds of walking, dancing, even slipping and falling. Also up for running and full strength lateral movement. *thumbs up*
Back: Strong, though I do want to work more on the limberness/flexibility. Hurts a lot less than it used to, bends a lot easier than it used to, and I am more interested in moving in new ways.
Arms/Shoulders: Stronger and more flexible, have some muscle definition. My shoulders, more than any other body part, resent it and protest loudly with crunchy discomfort when I do not get enough work out time in. Interesting.
Feet: Have had little to no pain in the foot since I went for four sessions with Dr. Larry, the chiropractor who is also a member at my gym. The main adjustment at the sacro-iliac joint is something I can reproduce in a different, slower/more gradual way, on my own with a particular twisting stretch (the one my brother Scott called the "shortstop stretch") that makes my back make the most UNEARTHLY noises but it feels so much BETTER when I am done.
Neck/head tension: Notably decreased. Head rotation is natural and smooth (unlike some other times in my life), the airline-cable muscles have softened and are more flexible and amenable to stretching, and I can actually get traction on the times I feel like massaging my neck (unlike some other times in my life).

+*+*+*+*+*+*

The JCC that includes my gym, is having a Happy New Year! Post your fitness resolutions on the wall!

They advised being very specific, because you could win a prize, like having the gym pay your registration for a race you said you wanted to finish.

I was very specific.
I want to be able to do headstands and handstands, with good core strength and control, and SLOWLY.

On the back of the card we are supposed to say WHY we have this goal.
I said something about I loved headstands when I was a kid, but never had the strength or courage to work up to doing cartwheels; I'm stronger now than I was then, and more intentionally building that strength.

And then I said that someday I want to teach yoga.
I didn't consciously realize that is something I want, till I wrote it on the card.

So the goal manifested, in part because I have an intention of working with two girlfriends' less-flexible spouses, because they need some yoga, and I need to be teaching so I can remember that teaching itself doesn't suck. Other stuff AROUND teaching sucks, but teaching does not.

Teaching yoga wouldn't suck. I could do that. I want to do that.
labelleizzy: (inherent worth and dignity)
I've been writing these posts for about a year now, I believe. (correction: since April 2012, so 18 months or so)
I have had difficult time rebuilding a fitness habit since I damaged my leg taking TaeKwonDo in 1998. It was the first time I could remember in my life where my whole body felt strong, balanced, powerful. My feelings about fitness and strength got very complicated after that injury, for various reasons. As feelings often are the motivation for actions...

Well. Due to the Waldorf teacher training, I shored up the foundation of my emotional life, started to take better care of my health, discovered my knee was indeed borked. Had surgery two years ago to replace my ACL, and worked to build my strength up in "pre-hab" and also in re-hab...

I started this 100 things series, like a lot of people did, to write many posts about something that interested me. But I had a sneaky second reason.

I was writing with much more regularity than I was exercising.
*shrug*
So I decided to chain the two habits together.
The one motivated the other, you know? I had an excellent excuse to write, IF I got off my duff and got out or got to the gym. It did work, and I wrote a lot about how I was changing, what body part hurt the most this week and why I thought that was, my hopes and dreams and goals for the whole endeavor, and so on.

But this post today, is because I have realized that I now... I just GO to the gym.
I've successfully built a habit that I wanted to build, and I am seeing remarkable results. I am SO much STRONGER than I once was. Body looks better, functions better, than it has in nearly 20 years.

Building for the future, me. And I'm glad to be doing it for ME (and for Jeff... Keeping up with a younger man can sometimes be *ahem* arduous) and not to fit into a wedding dress or to please someone else.

The other habit I'm proud of building, over the last few years, is the habit of speaking to myself with kindness, of touching my body with kindness. I noticed, today at the gym, gently massaging my tight shoulder and tight knee, that I was speaking gently and encouragingly to my body, moving slowly and gradually stretching as well as I could without judging... "There now, you can do this... It's okay, breathe... Relax, honey... There you go!"

I had to teach myself so much of this. Respect for the body, love of self, valuing self, and what self can do, what bodymind can do together... *wry* was not in the toolbox we got at my house growing up.

So now, having freshly turned 44, it feels as though I have a baseline of fundamental self confidence and physical strength that some lucky bastards have by the time they finish their teens.

Gonna keep moving, keep building strength, enjoy this being embodied thing, spread joy and help out where I can.

Okay. Step out in faith and Get Some Shit Done, now I've got the tools.
labelleizzy: (do it)
OK, exercise and moving my body is starting to feel more natural than sitting still.
This is a little weird, but still good. I feel *tougher* than I have in years.

Been on the bicycle every single day this week. *shrug* I can't remember now why I was ever afraid of riding in Mountain View. My bike lets me ride tall. I'm looking car drivers in the eye, and sitting up straight. Awareness and contact with others on the roads help me feel safe even in roads where there's no painted bike lane.

Am also seeing, already, some muscle definition in the quads near the knee. Unrelated to the biking but relevant to the rest of the physical working, I can feel muscles at my waist, even if they don't show much yet. So much better than feeling weak and soggy Like I did once upon a time... Functional strength and balance. This shit RULES.

feeling a need for an early night.

Be well and happy, Livejournalists!
labelleizzy: (asskicking)


Just like two weeks ago when I had that shift where my shoulder released, this week goes workout, massage, workout. Massage was today, and I told Danniel about the progress of two weeks ago on the left shoulder, and asked him to work on the right, and a bit on places where I am sore from yesterday's workout...

 

 

 

working with Danniel feels like Safe Space. He has proved i can trust him.  But it is WORK, sometimes more than others... to trust, to consciously relax and let someone cause me PAIN because I know if I can relax, and let him do what he's proved he's excellent at, I will make further physical progress in my struggle to gain full body Strength and Flexibility. (your mileage may vary, of course)

 

 

 

Today was excruciating all through both shoulders, down the pectorals, and through the big muscles that form the armpit, front and back.

 

 

 

part of what makes Danniel so special as a massage therapist is that I... well. I am very vocal during massage. I make a lot of what I know are noises not generally OK in public spaces... and I've never had him make me feel weird or wrong or even an iota uncomfortable for doing so.

 

 

 

and he does deep painful work, and uses my sounds as guides, digging in or holding steady as is needed.
Today there were a few moments where I was hyperventilating because the pain was pretty intense, but I could feel the muscle fibers lengthening and the moment where I conquered the pain by enduring it was the moment that the muscle relaxed and gave in, and then the pain got less. (story of my life in a nutshell, right here.)

 

 

 

I had an odd moment there this morning, where I felt like all the hollering and moaning and groaning was actually deep releases of very old pain, pain from times in my life when it wasn't safe or smart to grieve or express myself out loud.  it's being an incredibly valuable experience to VOCALIZE when it hurts, even if, or maybe because, it's nonverbal noise.  And because it's safe.  I didn't have the privilege of crying with someone there to comfort me till I was well past 30... I appreciate this deeply on account of I didn't get to have it growing up.

 

 

 

I'm proud of myself for doing this healing work even when it's not "fun" or pleasurable. I'm learning to value myself in the physical realm and to do what's needed to take care of and maintain the health of my body.

 

 

 

my goal is to be a spry and flexible and juicy old broad, who laughs too loud and too long, who amuses and offends the neighbors, and who goes on all kinds of adventures with all kinds of friends.

 

 

 

And what I am doing now, is building strength and good habits slowly and carefully, so I can achieve that goal.

 

 

 

Looking cute was never enough motivation for me... but comparing confident and strong old ladies and weak, tottering old ladies at the gym?

 

 

 

well. which group do YOU want to be in?
Best. Motivation. Ever.

 




labelleizzy: (bunny writer)

I thought I had a lump in my breast.
Yes, THAT kind of lump.
Turns out I was wrong
thank GODS I was wrong

 

I didn't let myself have time to react today, to release, to let go of the holding-on I've been doing ever since I first suspected, something like two months ago...

 

and just finished a HARD workout with Tal... I told her about my appointment and my worries from today, and that I wanted to "sweat out all the stress"... she said, with a grin, "we can DO that!"

 

and we did.
hells, halfway through, she even made me RUN, like seriously RUN THROUGH THE GYM and around the other people working out, in a loop around the two guys playing basketball, who looked honest to goodness surprised to see this two-and-a-quarter hundred-pound chick pelting after her zippy little 98 pound trainer...

 

but I kept up. *grin*
Tal *gets* without me saying it that I get all locked up in my head (most of my life) and deep in my bones when we work out... and she pulls out something crazy like this, and it pops me back out into reality.

 

so, okay, once I stretched out and cooled down, I did wind up in the locker room ambushed by sobs for about a second.

 

like omg I dodged a bullet there kind of thing

 

like what am I doing with my life

 

just this enormous almost panic attack... can you have a "relief attack?"

 

shuddering, head on the bench, hunkered down, my face in the shirt I'm about to put on...

 

I'm outside now, baking in the car because I needed to write this down.

 

the value of being IN the body cannot be measured, and yet I usually take it for granted.

 

being in the Body fixes some things that the Mind creates.

 

I want to remember that.




labelleizzy: (we deserve)
I have no doubt there are lessons and Lessons to be learned here& I know it ain't over yet.

Here's one for today, related to the post I made a couple days ago:

Don't live in your body half-assedly or absent-mindedly.
It is only flesh and someday it will fail you.
Treat your body with Love and Respect.
Treat your body like Home, because that is what it is.
Live there. Live HERE, not in the past If Onlys or the future When I Finallys.
This is not a fucking dress rehearsal. What the fuck are we waiting for!
labelleizzy: (planets to save!)
Hi LJ!

Been offline for two days. It's been surprisingly good; rewarding and productive. My house looks better than it has since we moved in, I cleared almost all the surfaces (including the floors, I could actually sweep in here and probably will in honor of Samhain before I leave for class tonight...) I threw a bunch of stuff away, recycled a bunch of stuff, and took at least 40 pounds to goodwill (my mom's trivet collection was HEAVY... *g*)

Saw the podiatrist yesterday for the pain I've been feeling in my right foot. It's been on the top of my foot and making me limp a bit, enough that I was worried about doing my back an injury or insult again. (it's happened before when I have been gimpy!) We looked at my x-rays and nothing was broken. *whew* and wow, what they can do with x-rays now! they were sent directly to his computer, like 15 minutes after they were taken, and he could tweak the resolution to clear up the picture in case the tech only took a mediocre picture... measure my bones in their real sizes, right there on the screen, it was pretty wow.

he manipulated my Rt. foot a bit before we looked at the x-rays, and a bit more afterward... he also checked out my calf and shin for a bit, and then he explained what he could see on the x-rays.

The places I was feeling more pain were metatarsals 2 and 3, though all 4 of the smaller metatarsals were sore! (as I discovered once he was pressing firmly on each one and I was yelping! And this is true on BOTH FEET!) On the x-rays he measured and showed me how 2 and 3 (the bones just next to the big-toe bone) were measurably thicker in the dense, structural bone, than 4 and 5.

Then he explained why that is: my calves (and I assume by extension, my hamstrings) are SO TIGHT that they are putting stress on the arch-bones of my foot! (No shit, there I was!) Mind-blowing...! He also explained that the reason I love my Chakos (and by extension the mules from Keen) is the slight heel (on top of the arch support); calf muscles like that make the body want to walk on its toes all the time (hum, that explains why I sit with my heels up on the chairlegs all the time when I'm on the computer!) The stress from the muscle constantly pulling works to strengthen the bones, but taken too far, you can get stress fractures... and DO. NOT. WANT.

The PT for this crazy tension, is to do those calf-lengthening stretches, hanging your heels off the kerb, sort of thing, but this morning I've been exploring my body's flexibility and it feels like, well, EVERYTHING is tight - hams, obliques, quads, the IT band, adductors, abductors, and the little trapezoid-shape over my lower back... (let's not even BRING my shoulders and neck into it right now...) Had a lovely massage from a new guy at Massage Envy Wed night, but you couldn't prove it by me today. (Ow.)

So yesterday after coming back from my appt, I did some more housework and organization, put some Rush on (Snakes and Arrows, for those who know) and was trying to dance and move around the place. Yeah, all kinds of muscular tension, ALL OVER.

I've been saying for a long time that I wanted to get fit, get strong, inhabit my body more, but now I have literally SEEN what it does. WOW. Sitting on my ass for too long is double-PLUS-ungood!

You'll see me moving a lot more in the upcoming years, and for the rest of my life. Thank goodness I'm in the Waldorf program, it's really about learning BALANCE between the realms of your life - artistic, physical/kinesthetic, mind, spirit, social...

My habits are changing. Which means folk won't find me here QUITE as often, but _I_ will DEFINITELY be healthier for it.

And now I think I will get dressed and go for a walk to the grocery store.
labelleizzy: (Anais Nin bud blossom)
I've been reading a lot lately about beauty. Cultural ideals, expansion of the idea of beauty (Northernsun.com has a t-shirt saying "If the ideal of beauty gets any thinner, soon no one will fit" with the T squeezing out of the block... and also a bumper sticker with a Venus of Willendorf line drawing and the slogan "Change how you see, not how you look".

I've read a good bit in the sassy web-zine FAT!SO? and in other blogs - (hee, "blog" is in the spellchecker now) like BABble, Joy Nash's blog, and found Lesson plans on tolerance.org for fat acceptance. I've emailed the director of BigMoves (thanks for the idea, [livejournal.com profile] kineticphoenix!) to find out more about possibly joining them in dancing for all sizes.

I'm fat. It is what it is.
I usually still think I am pretty, gorgeous, sexy, whatever... I rarely doubt my own intelligence (*shakes fist* Damn you, Mercury Retrograde!!!) but I've had self-acceptance issues around my body since I was young, thin, and klutzy. *shrug* I've rarely been fit or strong, so I want to bring that into the realm of self-image once again. I miss dancing, I miss feeling strong, and I want to go back.

Here's one website I really love and find inspirational: YouAreBeautiful. I know I found it thru another one of those meta-link days, so I can't credit who pointed me there. Another blog I can't remember suggested making yourself a sign for over your mirror: "This is what BEAUTIFUL looks like."

I've done that. I made a sign that I think itself is beautiful, and Jeff humored me when I taped it up at the top of the mirror. *smile*

I don't always see it, in that way that familiar things fade into the background, but when I notice it, I try to look at myself and see myself, even just for that moment, or even when I am brushing my teeth, as beautiful.

Here's another idea I found somewhere, it's a bit like some of the things Flylady says.

If I were beautiful... (and finish that sentence to express things you would allow yourself to do or have or want or be, _IF_ you believed you were beautiful.)

Almost makes me cry.

so here goes.

If I were beautiful... I'd take better care of my skin, hair and teeth.

If I were beautiful... I'd make sure I exercised and stretched everyday.

If I were beautiful... I would only own clothes that made me feel lovely and confident.

If I were beautiful... I would praise myself more often; I'd appreciate myself.

If I were beautiful... I would smell good, every day, with lotion or perfume.

If I were beautiful... I'd rid myself of all possessions that have unhappy memories.

If I were beautiful... I'd be more confident and ask more often for things I really want.

_________________

I think I will be doing this exercise for other areas of insecurity. (I think "competent" is the next adjective.)

Ladies, feel free to gank this and try it yourselves, and Gentlemen, if you like, you could substitute "attractive" or "handsome" if those are preferred words.

I'm going to open this post. Feel free to point people here if you think they'd like to try this meme.
labelleizzy: (shape)
Yesterday Jeff and I did some gardening. Potted some new succulents (aloe and jade plant) and the citrus trees we bought which survived the Great Canadian Drought. Wow is that enjoyable! I forgot how much I love potting plants or repotting them. it's very satisfying.

I wrapped my "bad" knee in an ACE bandage while out and about gardening, and Life Was Good. No weird wobblies, no leaning in a direction I didn't mean to... yay! At the end of the day I was IMing with [livejournal.com profile] barelyproper *waves* who threatened me with gentle poking (hee hee hee) if I didn't actually make that appointment to call for orthopedics or at least physical therapy.

I have put this damn appointment on my calendar probably at least 6 times since I reinjured it in April (yes I know life got shitty and busy in April) and I have avoided making it every time. Why? I don't want to admit that maybe I really have fucked it up, maybe bad enough that I'd need surgery, which scares me.

Last night I was reading Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts and one of the things she says is that women are greedy. Wherever there is scarcity in our life, we grab on to whatever we can get that feeds that need. She also suggested that when we want to change something in our lives, because of that natural greed, it's often easier to "add on" than to "take away", or deprive ourselves.

This made me think about the appointment in a different way. I tried to look at it positively instead of with fear. And then just before bed, it hit me.

I went to my desk, found a lusciously purple marker, and WROTE ON MY LEG. "I <3 My Knee." Right on my quad above the knee, facing me so I would see it when I woke up.

Today I finally did make the call. Yes, it was in part due to the attitude adjustment. Written reminders work well also for me *grin*

I have a PT appointment for tomorrow at 11:30, I have to show up a little early to fill out forms and I have to wear shorts.

This could be the start of a whole new me! (or a whole new knee, either way I think it is a good thing)
labelleizzy: (help)
Saw my nurse practitioner on Wednesday. ACL? Getting pregnant, and other things to keep track of... )
I guess it's time to invest in a really good knee brace and more appropriate shoes so I can keep dancing and not hurt myself. Not to mention the yoga I really want to be doing.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

I've got a second massage scheduled for this Wednesday upcoming. Bodywork ROCKS! SRSLY! )

It's good to remember that often times you simply cannot do it by yourself, and that's OK. My arm flexibility has been crappy for years, and I remember a PT who seemed to be disdainful cos I couldn't put my palms together over my head. Well, now I know this too... I needed help to scrape this out from under my shoulders BEFORE I could do that.

Note to self: remember to find out when to ask for help and bloody well DO IT!

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