Be the change you want to see.

I havent written here in weeks. it was Burning Man prep, then i was gone for Burning Man, now this week has been Burning Man recovery. big fuckin deal, I guess, and yeah, it kinda was.

Met a ton of good people,






discovered I'd conquered last year's terrors, was productive and helpful, did my volunteer shifts, and so many bonuses.

During my shift at the Temple, I met the temple's designer. That was super cool, and he gave me a token to remember the Temple, it's truly lovely.
So was the Temple, though I had a rough time connecting with it at first.
(Temple Photos go here)






Tried to mostly take photos of people, missed a number of important people, though. Didn't photo too much of art cars or even the Man, my memories are quite vivid... there was a carnival theme this year, and there was a maze set up around the Man, with a small shrine in the middle. That much was very different from last year.

This year was full of dust and sandstorms, whiteouts where you can't see in front of you past the length of your arm.
(we hid from one whiteout in the Ali Bar Bar tent.)
I trusted my goggles and my dust mask, I knew what to do, and I survived just fine. It was cold as fuck at least three nights out there, and we hadn't brought enough bedding, but our friends lent us their extra blankets and we got by fine. We ate delicious food thanks to Jeff, and our tent was very comfortable. (also thanks to Jeff.)

Discovered what it's like to have my own things I want to do on Playa, and Jeff and I intentionally separated more than once to go have explorations and adventures.

I have this strange conviction that it didn't matter what I looked like, how I was dressed, how fat I am, how old I was compared to the Young And Cute. People were warm and welcoming and lovely, pretty much across the board. Kind words and gestures that are still soaking into me days later.

Last night was a "Dust-off" party thanks to someone in the extended Burner community. Met a few more new people, had some good conversation, watched some friends dance with fire and glow-poi and hoops, and I think I needed that.


To remember that was real, that community, that affection, that honesty and commitment to being better in the world.

The commitment to burn brighter.

I have more writing to do, I've been inhaling stories like a vacuum cleaner, it's time to start putting my own words out there again. It's easier to write when I'm alone in the house. Jeff and Our Jenn are out at the Farmers Market. I'm going now to get my coffee and finish something I started yesterday, and I hope to write more later today.

Meme: list five or more things in each category, write the first things to come to your mind.

I am...
I can...
I have...
I try...
I need...
I hate...
I want...
I love...

I am...strong, happy, optimistic, a dancer, a good friend
I can... Laugh loudly, love loyally, play without fear, Accomplish whatever I truly want to, find meaning in the world.
I have...a loving husband, a beautiful home, more blessings than I deserve, hope for the future, and my mojo back.
I try...to be kind, compassionate fair, a problem solver, and to keep striving for the good everyday.
I need...balance in my life. Daily caffeine. To write, to dance, and to love with no holds barred. Meaningful work.
I hate...rude and inconsiderate people, especially on the road. Also when I realize I was one of those people at some point. :-(
I want...a job I can't wait to go to everyday, to make lots more art, and to help others through their pain, frustration and self-doubt
I love...myself (all of me); the doers, the dreamers, the makers, and warriors for justice in the world.

Having a few thoughts about this fitness journey.

1. It feels weird doing "self-care" at all, but "self-care that involves moving my body", I only have one model for in my childhood, not from my own childhood, but from fiction: The Secret Garden by wosshername... I'll remember it in a bit. I don't have a lot of "moving feels good" memories from when I was a child, most of them happened when I was alone and exploring the capabilities of my body... I used to hold my breath for ages... stand on my head for long minutes at a time just for the hell of it... swim for hours in the pool.

So moving now, because it feels good and makes me feel BETTER when I DO IT? well. It's kinda revelatory.

2. On THAT note, yoga today ROCKED. My first yoga class since just before the knee surgery, so about ten months. It was just the right amount of gentle and the right amount of challenge for where I am. My right hipflexor and right outer thigh were cramping during a mildly challenging pose, it's a good indicator that I still have work to do to balance out the damage and imbalance from years of a broken ligament. Okay. It's data, I can work with it.

I do want to do some kind of workout and weight training earlier in the day before having a formal yoga class again next week, I was wobbly-as-heck during the balance poses (Tree was particularly difficult) and I do seem to have better balance when my muscles are warm and loose. So that's something else to bear in mind.

3. Lots of the body feels better now. Very exciting to feel warm and stretched even three hours after the workout. And my heel doesn't hurt either, thanks for the advice on that, blacksheep_lj! Hips and side muscles need more work and stretching, shoulders and the under-behind of the shoulders still need to be stronger and more flexible.

4. Got a date with a massage therapist on Thursday, I can't WAIT... saw him two weeks ago and he worked wonders on my neck (the airline cable previously mentioned) when paired with a nice hard workout just after the massage (only I think I will try to do it just before the massage this time and compare the results)... Hips and calves and neck again, I think. This time I get a 90 minute session and I think we can do really good work... he had an excellent delineation technique where he got into several of the tiny neglected support and balance muscles very deeply, and it was just incredibly therapeutic.

5. Food in my house is phenomenal right now. I'm so blessed and lucky. Brand new lasagna and fresh green salad last night (and sooo much leftovers), leftover red peanut curry, seafood pasta salad, and the go-to sandwich fillings just feed me right. I love eeyore42's cooking...


that's all I have for right now. I can't wait to have a regular yoga practice again!

That thing I said yesterday? about not getting dressed till choir?

Umm, no. That won't work.
Jeff needed at BART by shortly after 9. I came home and started tea and to cook breakfast... it was a bit after 10 when a synapse fired and I thought, "it's Thursday today? waitaminnit" checked calendar - nothing. Found business card for Acalanes... yup, the appointment with their personnel office was for Thursday, 10 am. *facepalm* Fortunately I was STILL dressed and had eaten and had tea at this point. I phoned, apologized, asked if it would be all right for me to come over shortly, answer was yes. Covered the food, put deodorant and the breast-containment-device on, boogied out, found that my house is literally a 4 minute drive from their district office.

Got there, cooled my heels for a bit (okay, I did deserve it - next time I have GOT to write it on the calendar immediately once I get out to my car and not trust my memory or the little business card).

Discovered there was to be an interview with head of personnel. Okay, wished I'd dressed up a little, done something with my hair, but okay.

Here's the nice part. The head of Acalanes personnel was the one person during my first try at jobhunting after learning I'd be losing the job at my former school, to give me encouraging words. He probably doesn't realize how much of an effect his kind and reasonable words had on me, but I intend to write him a brief thank you explaining that. He's the one who said, at the right time, "Sometimes, the job is just not a good fit. (emphasis mine.) We have teachers who start out with us, leave after a year or two or don't receive tenure, change districts, and are perfectly happy in their new position and stay there till they retire. And the same thing in reverse - we hire teachers from other districts who weren't happy there but come to work for us, and it's just a better fit."

*happy sigh!* And on top of that, the interview was intellectually challenging, and despite the surprise, not a worrisome affair at all. I did well, expressed myself coherently and without fear, and I believe I made a good impression, despite my casual attire.

I think this is the payoff of all that Work I have been doing.
Calm. Clarity. Positive self-image.

I like where I'm at. =)

After the interview, Gail was going to fingerprint me but the machine was glitching (even ctrl-alt-del didn't fix everything, lol!) so I'm to phone her and come get prints done when it's convenient.

So I have just a little while before I have to be heading over to group, not the homework-o-rama kind of day I was expecting, but quite, quite rewarding anyway. Now to apply with Lafayette, Orinda, and Walnut creek districts, since they share fingerprinting results with Acalanes

Still to do: 3 chapters of reading in Steiner's Kingdom of Childhood lectures, one writing assignment: "write about an event in your life that didn't make sense to you at the time, but is beginning to now, with a new perspective," and a self-evaluation for the last class we took.

I got it. *grinning*

God, I feel good about all this. Ducks in a row, and all. I know this is a peak, that it won't always go as well as this, but I also know that there was a moment of release and healing a few weeks ago, and it wasn't temporary, it wasn't a stopgap measure or a bridge... something really really has changed.

Really, really, a paradigm shift, a change in me, toward solidity and centeredness and wholeness.

There is nothing wrong with me.
I just have had to learn to get RID of everything I've been carrying along, that was NOT me, still working on it, but I can't begin to put into words how this all feels, and the Potential for Greatness that I finally perceive.

In myself.

Whoa. How about THAT?