Be the change you want to see.

Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?

I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?

• I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  
• I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  
• I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.
  

That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.

Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology for Scorpios this week suggests that it would be a good idea to think about the parts of one's past that it would be good to protect and to carry forward into the future.

Ten things I have learned that I would like to carry forward:

1) Brainweasels are liars, and usually are due to low blood sugar or loneliness. CF: The Desiderata.
2) I am stronger, much more competent, and a lot more lovable than I believe I am by default.
3) despite 2) I am just as prone to fuck up my communication as the next person, or to fuck up period.
4) It is possible to apologize for a lot of things. Nobody really likes doing it, nobody's great at it.
5) I deserve self-care.
6) I am allowed to ask for help with my self care, and people will often say yes. (thanks to Eeyore42 and Wrenb for teaching me that)
7) Enjoy what you have, share with others, don't feel guilty for having more. Help as often as you can.
8) Life is short. Enjoy it while you can, and tell people you love them if you do. Kiss their faces too.
9) Tenderness, kindness, and warmheartedness are underrated in the world. Value them, teach them.
10) Feed yourself. Feed your people in whatever ways you can. It makes everyone happy.

Made a list of qualities I think I possess, for this job application I want to put in before week's end.
um it's hard to brag on myself. so I did like a handwritten word cloud first? because you can (or I can) trick yourself into just braindumping, and getting the stuff OUT.

here's my list, in not very particular order:

loyal
open to change
loving
funny
protector
honest and open
artistic
calm
feminist
poet
gardener & nature-lover
bright & colorful
Waldorf-trained educator
good at de-escalating (defusing?) conflict (want a better word here)
(and good at keeping my head and helping others stay calm in a crisis)
heart centered
encourager
trivia hound
cheerful
good problem solver
empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate
strong
healer/good listener
hopeful
enthusiastic
generous
storyteller
social justice warrior
energy worker
creative
writer/good at expressing ideas/persuasive (? I don't know, am I persuasive?)
break down concepts and make them accessible, tailoring to the student
activist
helpful
lovable/likable
teacher/cat herder
likes to organize,
likes to create/synthesize art from disparate sources


if you have any other words or descriptions that suit me that I haven't included here, I'd be obliged to you for sharing your insight.
=)

Meme: list five or more things in each category, write the first things to come to your mind.

I am...
I can...
I have...
I try...
I need...
I hate...
I want...
I love...

I am...strong, happy, optimistic, a dancer, a good friend
I can... Laugh loudly, love loyally, play without fear, Accomplish whatever I truly want to, find meaning in the world.
I have...a loving husband, a beautiful home, more blessings than I deserve, hope for the future, and my mojo back.
I try...to be kind, compassionate fair, a problem solver, and to keep striving for the good everyday.
I need...balance in my life. Daily caffeine. To write, to dance, and to love with no holds barred. Meaningful work.
I hate...rude and inconsiderate people, especially on the road. Also when I realize I was one of those people at some point. :-(
I want...a job I can't wait to go to everyday, to make lots more art, and to help others through their pain, frustration and self-doubt
I love...myself (all of me); the doers, the dreamers, the makers, and warriors for justice in the world.

Step One:
Make an post. It can be public or friends only, whatever you’re most comfortable with. The post should contain your list of ten holiday wishes, and these wishes can be anything - from simple (a fan fiction written about your favorite pairing), to medium (a DVD you want), to really extravagant (a brand new laptop or car).

Just make sure these are wishes for things you really truly want.

Step Two:
Skim through your friends list and see who has posted their own wish lists. Then - and this is the most important part - if you find a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make sure that person’s wish comes true.

Sometimes a person’s trash is another person’s treasure. If you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you’re never going to use, give it to someone who wants it.

Step Three:
Post this wish list any time after November 1st. Then repost it two weeks before Christmas.
You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday fairy - to spread the joy.
Gifts can be made anonymously or not, it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

(cross posted to Livejournal)

My list: (prefer upcycled/recycled/regifted if possible)

1) small, perhaps collapsible hair dryer (for drying intermediate stages of watercolor paintings)

2) Invitation for social outings or meals with you

3) Shopping trips with you (thrift/antique/secondhand shops a plus)

4) Storytelling swaps. (improv story creation)

5) Stuff-organizing swaps (you sit with me while I organize/clean out stuff and I'll return the favor)

6) Hand spun yarn in jewel tones and natural fibers.

7) Beginning Knitting lessons. Crochet lessons to ramp up my skills and tidy my techniques.

8) Stoneware bowls and mugs.

9) Breadbaking lessons.

10) Woodworking lessons (beginner).

11) Lessons in how to manipulate art and photos digitally.

12) Herb starts for savory, white woodruff, hyssop, and catnip, or Lily of the Valley bulbs.

Thankful:

1) gorgeous crisp clear sunny day
2) art supplies
3) idea for art that Jeff has and wants to explore
4) tons of food in the fridge and freezer and pantry
5) friends who love me
6) family who love me (even though I'm weird...! they haven't said that for awhile though.)
7) warm cozy clothes
8) warm soft cozy bed
9) better-than-decent health, better than decent body
10) good brain that works on solutions in conjunction with heart and body
11) tea (mmm tea, time to go boil a kettle)
12) beautiful things in my life like movies, furniture, jewelry, this house
13) my cats (of COURSE my cats are #13!)
14) the sea, the sky, the trees, the earth, the flame - all so beautiful and so different!
15) my vegetable garden
16) medical insurance (fucked up that this is something to be thankful for instead of everyone just being covered!)
17) texture of objects - my teacup, my sweater, this desk, my cat's fur...
18) peace I've found since figuring my shit out and uprooting the unhealthy stuff in my heart
19) clarity of thinking since #18
20) children I get to work with
21) dedicated teachers and students I get to work with
22) cool people I have yet to meet(!)
23) adventures
24) learning new stuff (and getting frustrated and figuring it out)
25) the internet and all the friends I have found in it
26) really good pens and crisp strong paper
27) self-knowledge
28) intuition and having learned to trust it
29) breakfast at 11:45 am
30) and breakfast for dinner last night =)
31) the bike friendly town I live in which also has decent public transit
32) learning new things about how my body works in particular (see #24)
33) toast with cream cheese and fig spread (and all the other tasty foods!)
34) autumn leaves backlit by the descending sun
35) sunlight breaking through the clouds during a rainshower and how the world glows
36) my faith system and the deep thorough nourishment it brings me
37) rereading favorite beloved books (I just found Freckles on Google Books! I think I'm going to cry with happiness!)
38) Everyone reading this. You are appreciated and loved.
39) Second chances
40) Everyone who ever extended a hand or said a kind word when I was down. You made a difference.
41) A fresh and shiny new year to learn, love, grow, work, and change the world for the better.

Love,
Liz

fools_and_irish challenged those of us in education to talk about what we would do to improve the education system as it currently exists in California/USA.

I have one thing to say to that: train the teachers better.

• Give teachers concrete skills and a chance to practice them under supervision until they have attained mastery - AS LONG AS IT TAKES for them to attain mastery.
  
• Train teachers in the social skills-of-connection with kids, because kids are looking to like and love their teacher, if you give them a chance. They also learn best when they like their teacher.
  
• Make sure each teacher has enough mastery of his/her subject that they can give lectures and develop lessons without having to copy from someone else or from a book or website. A teacher who doesn't know their stuff can't foster the trust of the students - they know something is fake about that teacher, and the learning situation goes south.
  
• Correlation to the previous point - for the Gods' Sake, DO NOT PLACE SOMEONE IN A ROOM JUST TO HAVE A BODY IN THAT ROOM. Have a qualified confident teacher teaching that subject. Some principals and some personnel offices get so desperate for teachers they put whoever in, and as shipoffools999 so gracefully put it, it's like they throw the fledgling in the room with the students, close the door, and pray for a good outcome.

Another thing I have to say to that: TREAT the teachers better.

• Half an hour lunch? You're kidding me, right?
  
• Healthy food on campus.
  
• Frequent chances to network/collaborate with peers. And either feed us or give us paid release time.
  
• No Stupid Inservices. If you need to educate us on some particular topic, don't shove all of us into the library and have someone lecturing us. Teachers bring tests to grade to those things, and tune out. If it's important enough to train us, it's important enough to do it RIGHT, or to optimize our time. Small group work. Online material and tests to make sure we absorbed what we are supposed to know. We're professionals, treat us like that. Save the cattle calls for pep-rally teambuilding efforts. Boring inservices are INSULTING.
  
• ** Encourage continuing ed, ON CAMPUS. Each one teach one, right? If each teacher WAS PAID and taught an after school class once or twice a month in their specialty, FOR OTHER TEACHERS, you'd network out, teachers would be less isolated, we'd have more fun, more loyalty, less stress, and duh, we'd learn something. Why do you THINK we're working IN EDUCATION?? I would totally have gone to a modern dance class taught by Kelly C., or a history class by Thatcher P., or an art class by Barbara B., math class with Mr. S., weightlifting with Cesar O. (and not just cos he was cute!), and I would gladly have taught a class on pantomime, improv, stage makeup, and we woulda had FUN!!! Teachers are LEARNERS. Work with that. Build on that.
  
• ** Each school should have at least one full time substitute teacher on staff. You could apply to have that sub cover you for the morning while you went to the dentist, catch your 6th period if your kid needed picked up from the other school cos she was puking, you could apply to have help (if the sub wasn't otherwise engaged) to do research, help decorate your room, help you organize your paperwork and lessons or help you grade papers or record grades. Teaching is often damn LONELY. MITIGATE that. We are all social creatures, few people really like sitting or working alone in their room. The morale improvement ALONE would be TREMENDOUS.
  

I know I have more ideas but these are the ones that brew in my brain.
To sum up:

Give teachers RESPECT
Help teachers LEARN
Make teachers CONFIDENT
Remember teachers are ARTISTS and PROFESSIONALS. (Treat em like it!)
Let teachers have PRIDE and help us to BUILD COMMUNITY.

Here endeth the lesson.

HEREis Carolyn's contribution.