labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?

I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.

That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I'm supposed to have a list of goals for the therapeutic process. I did write some of them down, and I'll add them either here or in my bullet journal once I have my head in order.

I was thinking earlier today about jobs I've held, and my favorite job. And why it was my favorite job, and I wanted to break it down a little, in hopes of reproducing the conditions someday. In part or in whole.

this is the job I held for eight years and a bit.
it's the reason why every smartphone I've ever owned had "librarianing" added to the spellchecker.

I used to be a junior high school librarian.
I just wanna list the things that I loved about that job, because there's a lot of things I loved about it.
  • It had a regular daily schedule with rhythmic breaks in it.
  • ...but I got to choose my daily tasks, and when to do them.
  • High responsibility, low supervision, I got to determine when something was done.
  • some built in regular deadlines occurred weekly (overdue notices compiled and sent out)
  • some deadlines quarterly (grades for Library TA's), or at other calendar dates (budget deadlines, book ordering, etc)
  • Lots of time with people, specific agenda of helping people (students and staff both)
  • lots of time alone to do one on one tasks (repair, budget work, tidying)
  • Teaching. computers, dewey decimal, how to process books for circulation, some basic book repair, how to circulate books, how to pull records for books that were overdue, how to research, how to use the card catalog, how to find books you wanted... so many teaching opportunities, all in small groups, and NO GRADING.
  • I could take pee breaks as needed. That's a fucking luxurious situation to consider after teaching full time in a public school. I swear to god you can't get five minutes to pee, because it takes you 3-5 minutes to just walk to the other end of the school where the faculty bathroom is, and god help you if you're on your period or have to poop. it's *exhale* inhumane. actually.
  • Professional development funding.
  • Networking with the other librarians in the school district on a monthly basis.
  • Training to be a union site rep and shop steward, learning the history of unions in the USA
  • generally speaking, high interest high novelty work, high number of positive social contacts with students and staff. Decent respect from peers and students. Increasing responsibility the longer I was in the position.

  • There's more of course. Some damn wonderful people really made the difference for me in that job. They got me through the first six months after my dad died, with challenging, interesting work, taking care of tweenagers, teaching and helping and finding and fixing, sorting and throwing out and organizing and tidying. Always something that needed doing. Always something that MATTERED that needed doing.

    It's still MY library. In my heart it's still mine.
    I miss it. Actually.

    so I mean I want another job with some more of what that job had, without the soul deadening paperwork and jumping through hoops that teaching in the public school required.

    And really I want more of that in my life. I've been trying to find that, build that myself, but it's just been so crazy challenging on my own. I miss the community, the sense of rightness and purpose, the ability to HELP SO MUCH AND SO OFTEN SO MANY PEOPLE. I was proud of my work there. It was crazy and sometimes boring and wonderful and the kids were always so amazing and my co workers were always weird, wonderful, dedicated, amazing.


    I have more on this but this is a good starting place.
    I'll go make myself some dinner and dig into my homework reading pretty hard once I've eaten, take some notes to be ready for tomorrow.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology for Scorpios this week suggests that it would be a good idea to think about the parts of one's past that it would be good to protect and to carry forward into the future.

Ten things I have learned that I would like to carry forward:

1) Brainweasels are liars, and usually are due to low blood sugar or loneliness. CF: The Desiderata.
2) I am stronger, much more competent, and a lot more lovable than I believe I am by default.
3) despite 2) I am just as prone to fuck up my communication as the next person, or to fuck up period.
4) It is possible to apologize for a lot of things. Nobody really likes doing it, nobody's great at it.
5) I deserve self-care.
6) I am allowed to ask for help with my self care, and people will often say yes. (thanks to Eeyore42 and Wrenb for teaching me that)
7) Enjoy what you have, share with others, don't feel guilty for having more. Help as often as you can.
8) Life is short. Enjoy it while you can, and tell people you love them if you do. Kiss their faces too.
9) Tenderness, kindness, and warmheartedness are underrated in the world. Value them, teach them.
10) Feed yourself. Feed your people in whatever ways you can. It makes everyone happy.
labelleizzy: (Artists are Dangerous)
y’all I got like five hundred bookmarks over on the AO3 and it’s well past time I shared some of that goodness with y’all. I’ll start with the novel length, longfic (50,000 words at least) because damn there is some really good stuff out there.

  • A Pretty Boy with a Bird Tattoo: Kryptaria​ and rayvanfox Kinky, lovely, polyamourous version of Nat/Steve/Bucky, with OC family and bonus tattoos and piercings! Mmmmm.

  • All The Angels and The Saints by Speranza In which Steve Rogers loses God and finds God and loses God, and also: Bucky.

  • Is It Pretending If I Already Want You? by OhCaptainMyCaptain Fake Boyfriend AU where the best friend has been waiting for Steve to stop being so clueless for like a really long time.

  • 4 Minute Window series by Speranza, counteragent, monicawoe In which Bucky rescues STEVE. Both stories are complete, but the series is not.

  • Ain't No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down) by spitandvinegar Defies easy encapsulation and description. Which is why I loved it. Splendid original characters, original plot, descriptions.

  • Meet-Cute AU's by 74daysFluffy Meet-cute series, with each scenario different. I was quite impressed with the variety.

  • This, You Protect by owlet. Adorably Grumpy Bucky Barnes as he ditches his programming post CA:TWS. First of the Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail series.

  • Circling Back by chaya Best kind of hurt/comfort, with donkey-kicks at the end of some chapters. Gosh this author is good at that.

    And 8 makes a list. Now I think I will go do a reread. <3
  • List

    Oct. 26th, 2015 07:09 pm
    labelleizzy: (brain dump)
    Made a list of qualities I think I possess, for this job application I want to put in before week's end.
    um it's hard to brag on myself. so I did like a handwritten word cloud first? because you can (or I can) trick yourself into just braindumping, and getting the stuff OUT.

    here's my list, in not very particular order:

    open to change
    honest and open
    gardener & nature-lover
    bright & colorful
    Waldorf-trained educator
    good at de-escalating (defusing?) conflict (want a better word here)
    (and good at keeping my head and helping others stay calm in a crisis)
    heart centered
    trivia hound
    good problem solver
    healer/good listener
    social justice warrior
    energy worker
    writer/good at expressing ideas/persuasive (? I don't know, am I persuasive?)
    break down concepts and make them accessible, tailoring to the student
    teacher/cat herder
    likes to organize,
    likes to create/synthesize art from disparate sources

    if you have any other words or descriptions that suit me that I haven't included here, I'd be obliged to you for sharing your insight.
    labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
    YOU can still sign up for LJ Idol (if you want to!)

    via our host Gary, [ profile] clauderainsrm at LJ Idol: if you could continue to spread the word that the Sign Up Sheet is still open until Monday (March 17th), I'd very much appreciate that!

    also for my reference: Week 1 Prompt (deadline for submissions is Monday March 17th as well)

    Week 1 green room link here (first day)

    Week 1 work room link here

    My Week One entry is HERE.

    Voting, as far as I can tell, starts shortly after the deadline to submit. So after Monday sometime the poll should be up.

    Please feel free to vote for my entry if you found it worthy.
    labelleizzy: (Silly)
    Meme: list five or more things in each category, write the first things to come to your mind.

    I am...
    I can...
    I have...
    I try...
    I need...
    I hate...
    I want...
    I love...

    I am...strong, happy, optimistic, a dancer, a good friend
    I can... Laugh loudly, love loyally, play without fear, Accomplish whatever I truly want to, find meaning in the world.
    I have...a loving husband, a beautiful home, more blessings than I deserve, hope for the future, and my mojo back.
    I be kind, compassionate fair, a problem solver, and to keep striving for the good everyday.
    I need...balance in my life. Daily caffeine. To write, to dance, and to love with no holds barred. Meaningful work.
    I hate...rude and inconsiderate people, especially on the road. Also when I realize I was one of those people at some point. :-(
    I want...a job I can't wait to go to everyday, to make lots more art, and to help others through their pain, frustration and self-doubt
    I love...myself (all of me); the doers, the dreamers, the makers, and warriors for justice in the world.
    labelleizzy: (strong)

    Made it to the gym today. Go me!!

    Been something close to a week since I got a workout in... *scratches head* wait, today's Tuesday, so it's exactly a week. Physical therapy last week was my last workout. I don't mind telling you, I've missed it. Body's been aching, especially the knee. I don't think I can avoid working out for as long as a week.

    Brief, but felt really good.

    labelleizzy: (Default)
    Step One:
    Make an post. It can be public or friends only, whatever you’re most comfortable with. The post should contain your list of ten holiday wishes, and these wishes can be anything - from simple (a fan fiction written about your favorite pairing), to medium (a DVD you want), to really extravagant (a brand new laptop or car).

    Just make sure these are wishes for things you really truly want.

    Step Two:
    Skim through your friends list and see who has posted their own wish lists. Then - and this is the most important part - if you find a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make sure that person’s wish comes true.

    Sometimes a person’s trash is another person’s treasure. If you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you’re never going to use, give it to someone who wants it.

    Step Three:
    Post this wish list any time after November 1st. Then repost it two weeks before Christmas.
    You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday fairy - to spread the joy.
    Gifts can be made anonymously or not, it's your call.
    There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

    (cross posted to Livejournal)

    My list: (prefer upcycled/recycled/regifted if possible)

    1) small, perhaps collapsible hair dryer (for drying intermediate stages of watercolor paintings)

    2) Invitation for social outings or meals with you

    3) Shopping trips with you (thrift/antique/secondhand shops a plus)

    4) Storytelling swaps. (improv story creation)

    5) Stuff-organizing swaps (you sit with me while I organize/clean out stuff and I'll return the favor)

    6) Hand spun yarn in jewel tones and natural fibers.

    7) Beginning Knitting lessons. Crochet lessons to ramp up my skills and tidy my techniques.

    8) Stoneware bowls and mugs.

    9) Breadbaking lessons.

    10) Woodworking lessons (beginner).

    11) Lessons in how to manipulate art and photos digitally.

    12) Herb starts for savory, white woodruff, hyssop, and catnip, or Lily of the Valley bulbs.
    labelleizzy: (follow)
    So, you can still select questions for me to answer...

    and you can do so here for [ profile] zpdiduda (who added a few interesting additional questions to her list...)
    and here for [ profile] morlith
    and here for [ profile] bodhifox
    and here for [ profile] weirdodragoncat
    and here for [ profile] aiela
    and here for [ profile] tshuma
    and here for [ profile] dangerpudding
    and herefor [ profile] rightkindofme
    and here for [ profile] karenbynight.
    and here for [ profile] deedeebythebay
    and here for [ profile] mactavish
    ... and here for [ profile] celticmoni

    I'll keep adding these links as I find them up on my friends list, because this is an AWESOME means of doing short bits of storytelling and thinky-thoughts.

    ... did I miss anyone else who is perpetuating this particular meme?
    labelleizzy: (jump for joy)

    1) gorgeous crisp clear sunny day
    2) art supplies
    3) idea for art that Jeff has and wants to explore
    4) tons of food in the fridge and freezer and pantry
    5) friends who love me
    6) family who love me (even though I'm weird...! they haven't said that for awhile though.)
    7) warm cozy clothes
    8) warm soft cozy bed
    9) better-than-decent health, better than decent body
    10) good brain that works on solutions in conjunction with heart and body
    11) tea (mmm tea, time to go boil a kettle)
    12) beautiful things in my life like movies, furniture, jewelry, this house
    13) my cats (of COURSE my cats are #13!)
    14) the sea, the sky, the trees, the earth, the flame - all so beautiful and so different!
    15) my vegetable garden
    16) medical insurance (fucked up that this is something to be thankful for instead of everyone just being covered!)
    17) texture of objects - my teacup, my sweater, this desk, my cat's fur...
    18) peace I've found since figuring my shit out and uprooting the unhealthy stuff in my heart
    19) clarity of thinking since #18
    20) children I get to work with
    21) dedicated teachers and students I get to work with
    22) cool people I have yet to meet(!)
    23) adventures
    24) learning new stuff (and getting frustrated and figuring it out)
    25) the internet and all the friends I have found in it
    26) really good pens and crisp strong paper
    27) self-knowledge
    28) intuition and having learned to trust it
    29) breakfast at 11:45 am
    30) and breakfast for dinner last night =)
    31) the bike friendly town I live in which also has decent public transit
    32) learning new things about how my body works in particular (see #24)
    33) toast with cream cheese and fig spread (and all the other tasty foods!)
    34) autumn leaves backlit by the descending sun
    35) sunlight breaking through the clouds during a rainshower and how the world glows
    36) my faith system and the deep thorough nourishment it brings me
    37) rereading favorite beloved books (I just found Freckles on Google Books! I think I'm going to cry with happiness!)
    38) Everyone reading this. You are appreciated and loved.
    39) Second chances
    40) Everyone who ever extended a hand or said a kind word when I was down. You made a difference.
    41) A fresh and shiny new year to learn, love, grow, work, and change the world for the better.


    40 at 40...

    Mar. 8th, 2010 08:07 pm
    labelleizzy: from lj user= angelbob (creative resourceful sane)
    I have an idea for a blog post: Advice for younger women.

    I'd like to make it a list of 40 things I've learned as a woman of a certain age.

    I'm not yet sure I HAVE 40 things I've learned as a 40 year old that would be valued by younger women.

    Here's a start though. Edit: who knew I had this much good advice in me? =)

    1) Pluck your chin hairs while your face is slightly 'dirty'... they come out easier and don't break.

    2) If the person you're crushing on isn't all that "into you"... might want to reconsider why YOU are into THEM.

    3) If your body is sore, move it. No, really. (And don't say should I move it if it's broken, I know you are smarter than that)

    4) Invest in quality tools of all kinds. Take care of them. You don't need 3 pairs of mediocre scissors, or nailclippers, or whatever, if you have one good pair and you know where it is.

    5) Get rid of crappy stuff. Get rid of multiples. You deserve better than to paw through boxes of crap looking for something you need.

    6) Don't talk trash behind people's backs. Hell, don't talk trash period. You look petty and mean when you do.
    Read more... )

    Whew! Not too bad for a first draft! Any comments, advice, critiques, or contributions?

    (that was SO much fun!!)
    labelleizzy: (iamtheteacher)
    [ profile] fools_and_irish challenged those of us in education to talk about what we would do to improve the education system as it currently exists in California/USA.

    I have one thing to say to that: train the teachers better.

    • Give teachers concrete skills and a chance to practice them under supervision until they have attained mastery - AS LONG AS IT TAKES for them to attain mastery.
    • Train teachers in the social skills-of-connection with kids, because kids are looking to like and love their teacher, if you give them a chance. They also learn best when they like their teacher.
    • Make sure each teacher has enough mastery of his/her subject that they can give lectures and develop lessons without having to copy from someone else or from a book or website. A teacher who doesn't know their stuff can't foster the trust of the students - they know something is fake about that teacher, and the learning situation goes south.
    • Correlation to the previous point - for the Gods' Sake, DO NOT PLACE SOMEONE IN A ROOM JUST TO HAVE A BODY IN THAT ROOM. Have a qualified confident teacher teaching that subject. Some principals and some personnel offices get so desperate for teachers they put whoever in, and as [ profile] shipoffools999 so gracefully put it, it's like they throw the fledgling in the room with the students, close the door, and pray for a good outcome.

    Another thing I have to say to that: TREAT the teachers better.

    • Half an hour lunch? You're kidding me, right?
    • Healthy food on campus.
    • Frequent chances to network/collaborate with peers. And either feed us or give us paid release time.
    • No Stupid Inservices. If you need to educate us on some particular topic, don't shove all of us into the library and have someone lecturing us. Teachers bring tests to grade to those things, and tune out. If it's important enough to train us, it's important enough to do it RIGHT, or to optimize our time. Small group work. Online material and tests to make sure we absorbed what we are supposed to know. We're professionals, treat us like that. Save the cattle calls for pep-rally teambuilding efforts. Boring inservices are INSULTING.
    • ** Encourage continuing ed, ON CAMPUS. Each one teach one, right? If each teacher WAS PAID and taught an after school class once or twice a month in their specialty, FOR OTHER TEACHERS, you'd network out, teachers would be less isolated, we'd have more fun, more loyalty, less stress, and duh, we'd learn something. Why do you THINK we're working IN EDUCATION?? I would totally have gone to a modern dance class taught by Kelly C., or a history class by Thatcher P., or an art class by Barbara B., math class with Mr. S., weightlifting with Cesar O. (and not just cos he was cute!), and I would gladly have taught a class on pantomime, improv, stage makeup, and we woulda had FUN!!! Teachers are LEARNERS. Work with that. Build on that.
    • ** Each school should have at least one full time substitute teacher on staff. You could apply to have that sub cover you for the morning while you went to the dentist, catch your 6th period if your kid needed picked up from the other school cos she was puking, you could apply to have help (if the sub wasn't otherwise engaged) to do research, help decorate your room, help you organize your paperwork and lessons or help you grade papers or record grades. Teaching is often damn LONELY. MITIGATE that. We are all social creatures, few people really like sitting or working alone in their room. The morale improvement ALONE would be TREMENDOUS.

    I know I have more ideas but these are the ones that brew in my brain.
    To sum up:

    Give teachers RESPECT
    Help teachers LEARN
    Make teachers CONFIDENT
    Remember teachers are ARTISTS and PROFESSIONALS. (Treat em like it!)
    Let teachers have PRIDE and help us to BUILD COMMUNITY.

    Here endeth the lesson.

    HEREis Carolyn's contribution.
    labelleizzy: (Default)
    For sufficiency, I give thanks.
    For enough to share, I give thanks.
    For friends who care, I give thanks.
    For love and passion and sweet caresses, I give thanks.
    For family and friends, I give thanks.
    For a car that functions well, I give thanks.
    For a job I love and which loves me, I give thanks.
    For booze enough, once in awhile, I give thanks.
    For living in California, I give thanks.
    For health care coverage, I give thanks.
    For intelligent blogs, I give thanks.
    For thoughtful students, I give thanks.

    For all of this and more, for everything that gives me joy or love or hope for the future, I give thanks.


    labelleizzy: (Default)

    September 2017

    S M T W T F S
         1 2


    RSS Atom

    Most Popular Tags

    Style Credit

    Expand Cut Tags

    No cut tags
    Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 09:44 pm
    Powered by Dreamwidth Studios