December 2021

S M T W T F S
   1234
567 8910 11
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728 293031 

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
labelleizzy: (Default)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2017 10:22 am
fear. and abundance. and enoughness, and not-enoughness.
OR: I am Not Enough.


i realized this morning that there's some kinds of beauty that I think of as Not Allowed.
or Not For Me.

some kinds of Happiness that I think of as Not Allowed, or Not For Me.

part of me said, "why do i... it doesn't matter WHY just that I somehow figure out how to Allow myself"
then I backtracked and said, "no, the WHY *DOES MATTER* because I want to untangle this and then not allow it to happen again."

I want to ALLOW MYSELF ALL THE KINDS OF HAPPINESS and not think that I must prevent myself from x y or z because I am ME and something about ME-NESS means than I don't Get To Have Nice Things.

watching the koi as I fed them I realized I think of them as Jeff's joy, his calm, his happiness. And I caught myself saying, I must be businesslike, I'm not allowed to enjoy this, to enjoy watching them move, the peace of their deep swim and their curved bodies, I should be done with the task of feeding them and then move on...

like, that's so fucked up??? brain, WTF???

i often talk about abundance mentality but i don't know how to talk about DESERVING. And I apparently am either convinced I don't deserve nice things, or I'm afraid of getting nice things.

last night might have meant more hugs and cuddles, but I was afraid of getting in the way of my friends having hugs and cuddles with each other. they'd already been including me in their hugs and cuddles, and their sex jokes.

maybe I didn't need to rush home. I have shame about sex, and not knowing ... I can't even wrap words around what the shame is. It's deep and sorrowful and angry and resentful and *ugly cry*

maybe i could have had more hugs and cuddles. maybe it would have even moved into enough of a sensual place that I could hope for partnered satisfaction. (IT'S BEEN SO LONG.)

OKAY. I'm gonna call that enough wallowing for right now. If there's a chance, there's probably still a chance. I'm going to trust that I will someday be able to have what I want and need.

I mean, there's definitely hope. my friend S is a cute cuddly person and at the party friday night they were snuggling up to me and when I started making noises about leaving they cuddled back up to me and said,
"I wanna ask you something, but I'm nervous"
which is kind of funny to me because they're pretty brash and loud
so i said, of course, you can ask me anything!
and they said, "May I kiss you?"

and it was such a joyful thing to me, to be asked, in a comfortable affectionate respectful way, and I trust them so I was open to the idea,
and I said, with a giant grin, yes, you can (or yes, please, I forget how I phrased it)

And it was a nice kiss. No fireworks, but you could kind of see how maybe it would build to fireworks?

maybe I don't suck as bad as I think I do. I think my brain is an asshole, and my brain has a longstanding training of not believing people want me, in a going to bed kind of way.

okay.
I recognize that the training exists. I also understand that retraining is possible.
okay.
okay.
this is gonna be scary but I want to do this.

i'm fuckin' tired of not believing I'm ENOUGH enough to be wanted.

there's two possible places right there just this weekend, which might work out to be rewarding in that kind of way. I can start there, and pull on other threads for cuddle friends, and network it in together enough.

ok. I'm just gonna put it here:
I want a big, messy, passionate, laughing, juicy love life, and I want it to be enough that my heart stops hurting, and I want it to feel normal.


ok. Stuff I gotta do. more later. <3 peace!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Friday, June 16th, 2017 07:28 pm
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?


I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.


That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Tuesday, April 11th, 2017 05:39 pm
It’s 2 am. I’m up way past my bedtime because of reasons, namely that my brain won’t shut up and I’m feeling overwhelmed.
Recently diagnosed with ADHD and I don’t know what to do about it. Feels like I’ve been breaking any good things in my life, my whole life.
Only thing to give me peace tonight (this morning) is realizing that I am allowed to ask for help. I have two or three points of contact who may prove helpful. My therapist is one.
Depression sucks. ADHD sucks. Unemployment sucks. I have really good things in my life and I know it, intellectually, but I can’t keep them in focus right now.
I’m going to ask for help. Because I said I would.
This post is how I’m gonna keep myself accountable. Xposting to dreamwidth.
If you struggle with depression, ADHD, lack of purpose, lack of self worth, I’d like to hear from you.

adhd actually adhd depression low self worth low self confidence bad night help request because i said i would accountability gdi brain of course that's a tag
5 notes
Apr 9th, 2017