Be the change you want to see.

I should have written this the first time I thought of it but here goes:

What would my life be if I never thought, never worried about how I looked? What would my life be, if I only had to work hard to take care of me and mine, to do and to make, to art and create?

I was lucky, born "pretty" without knowing what that meant. Could they not have taught me how to be social? How to talk to people? But I guess for most people, most children, that's a thing you just DO till you know how. Not me!

The anxiety of "what do they think of me?" Has dogged my life. I didn't know that I was loved, didn't know that my life had any value. Didn't understand unconditional love, or intrinsic value, for me. I loved like that, and learned not to expect it. I valued others like that... And learned not to expect it.

Only now, 10+ years after drawing far away from popular culture, have I come to understand what Safe And Loved And Valued feels like. It's been a slow and gradual healing.

To answer my own question: I could do so much more. I could love more richly, fight more intelligently, build stronger community, teach more kindly, rescue more of those who need help.

And I can.
And I will.

Found this linked on Facebook, unusually, properly credited.

Via Tumblr: https://highlycaffeinatedhorsewriter.tumblr.com/post/182580123449/whats-the-real-lesson

What’s the Real Lesson?

fittingoutjane
Here’s something that happens to ADHD children a lot: Getting pushed beyond their limits by accident. Here’s how it works and why it’s so bad.
Child says, “I can’t do this.”
Adult (teacher or parent) does not believe it, because Adult has seen Child do things that Adult considers more difficult, and Child is too young to properly articulate why the task is difficult.
Adult decides that the problem is something other than true inability, like laziness, lack of self-confidence, stubbornness, or lack of motivation.
Adult applies motivation in the form of harsher and harsher scoldings and punishments. Child becomes horribly distressed by these punishments. Finally, the negative emotions produce a wave of adrenaline that temporarily repairs the neurotransmitter deficits caused by ADHD, and Child manages to do the task, nearly dropping from relief when it’s finally done.
The lesson Adult takes away is that Child was able to do it all along, the task was quite reasonable, and Child just wasn’t trying hard enough. Now, surely Child has mastered the task and learned the value of simply following instructions the first time.
The lessons Child takes away? Well, it varies, but it might be:
-How to do the task while in a state of extreme panic, which does NOT easily translate into doing the task when calm.
-Using emergency fight-or-flight overdrive to deal with normal daily problems is reasonable and even expected.
-It’s not acceptable to refuse tasks, no matter how difficult or potentially harmful.
-Asking for help does not result in getting useful help.
I’m now in my 30’s, trying to overcome chronic depression, and one major barrier is that, thanks to the constant unreasonable demands placed on me as a child, I never had the chance to develop actual healthy techniques for getting stuff done. At 19, I finally learned to write without panic, but I still need to rely on my adrenaline addiction for simple things like making phone calls, tidying the house, and paying bills. Sometimes, I do mean things to myself to generate the adrenaline rush, because there’s no one else around to punish me.
But hey, at least I didn’t get those terrible drugs, right? That might have had nasty side effects.

aberrant_eyes
#I wonder if this might potentially apply to people with autism as well?#because I haven’t been diagnosed with adhd but MAN do I fee this#and like I had the situation a lot of people went through#breezed through elementary and high school and in gifted and talented#but then college happened and I was LOST

fittingoutjane
There’s a lot of overlap between ADHD traits and autism traits. Whether you meet the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, too, I have no idea (because I’m a random person on the Internet), but you might find ADHD resources helpful in figuring out your life challenges.

A lot of “help” for executive function skills comes from neurotypicals who are naturally good at it and lack insight into people who aren’t, which makes it spectacularly useless to the people who actually need it.

myautisticass
Well shit this explains so much about me

chavisory
Yes, I am autistic without ADHD, and this is…how a lot of things happened to me. I’m an adrenaline addict, too, and this is why.
And I’m not going to say that that mode of operation doesn’t have its uses. But it is a really, really counterproductive way to teach kids how to take the time and focus to learn to do something well and sustainably.
It can also make kids look lazy who aren’t, because you start to learn that you’re only good at things if you can do them PERFECTLY, IMMEDIATELY, RIGHT NOW and you don’t learn how to work through your anxiety and processing difficulties to actually practice and understand something.

misaimed_archer
Also, child never learns how to articulate why the task is difficult.
They learn that they’re not allowed to.

fittingoutjane
^ This is it. The child IS taught that they’re not allowed to talk about the task being difficult. Whether they’re ignored, disbelieved, punished, or given “help” that actually makes things worse, the message is the same: Don’t.

[Bad username or unknown identity: highlycaffeinatedhorsewriter]
Oh my God. I never realized why I was like this. I can do incredible things in a panic mode, like write an advanced 12 page neuroscience research paper and edit it in less than 24 hours. But sit down and skim my class notes in my free time? Nope. I even had a therapist tell me once that I needed to learn how to study when I’m not running on adrenaline because it doesn’t work (sadly it DOES for me so that advice didn’t help.) This explains so much

Woke up earlier than usual this morning, because we had a house guest, and both Nija and Jeff had to get an early start. I've already made tea, fed the cat, (I started to write cats out of habit ☹️) pruned a rosebush (and stripped away aphid egg covered leaves), harvested a bowl of red currants, and made a pot of tea. (And started drinking my first cup.

So, I'm 3 hours ahead of my usual morning routine lol, but that wasn't actually what I came here to write about. This morning I woke from a really delicious dream, detailed in those ways they're really rich symbolic ones are. It was something like a Ren fair or a craft fair, and I was there with a promising new romantic partner. It was ADVENTUROUS and very physical - lots of pulling and squashing against each other, crawling to get from one place to another gathering up skirts and then there was some kind of a fire? And we were having to scurry and get the most important things from the tents. But the sense that I have that was that most delightful was the longing. There was a mutual longing and there was a sense that he appreciated my body for its lushness. And I don't ever use that word to describe myself. It was like a scene in a romance novel, only inside my head!

... clearly I should be dating more often hah!

I think I'm going to write that word down. Lushness. And put it somewhere where I can see it. I like it a lot.

Heading into therapy in a minute, had my first coffee date in over a year this morning. I didn't realize until the last week, I have been really lonely, and I have been telling myself a story about why, for years.

I just signed back up with OkCupid, completely reinvented my dating profile and took away how I used to express myself in talking about the past.

And suddenly I'm talking a lot with really nice fun sympatico people. And at the moment I'm sat here in the car crying before therapy for how long I felt like that was not going to be a possibility; for the story that I told myself that I was unwanted and unwelcome; and how old that story is... it goes back to my childhood.

But! But my coffee date today went great! we both want to see each other again, he seems like an honestly good human being. And I have two other folks who both want to see me and I want to meet them! one of them works like walking distance away from my house! The other one is younger and sweet.

I have a really good feeling about this. It's time to look to the Future.

I've just realized today that I have never made enough time to grieve My America. I've spent so much time pushing back against This Is Not Normal and reaching for the Better Angels Of Our Natures ... It's a kind of denial, isn't it? And I hide in fanfiction, both writing and reading, when my heart hurts...
And I will let myself have today. Two years ago today, I was feeling safe, and safe in my California bubble. I was convinced that gradually I would be able to help more of my friends and community who felt unsafe, into a better life.
And then the coup was successful. Coup is definitely the correct word, an Illegitimate government seized power. Immediately, even before the inauguration, they started smashing, dismantling, and poking holes in the social safety net and the mechanisms of civil society.
Today I grieve My America. I'll allow myself the time. And then I'll get back to work throwing new ropes at the edges of the safety net those bastards keep slashing at. And then I'll get back to slapping duct tape on the ragged cushion below the safety net. And then I'll get back to learning how to throw sand and sabots into the gears trying to chew up what Jesus called The Least Of These (I'm not christian, I'm paraphrasing)
I will do what I can do. Here. To grow the New America, to fight to protect and provide for those under attack.
"to ease pain and encourage growth", thank you @dduane for the concept.
My gods won't let me do less than that. My INTEGRITY won't let me do less than that.
I love you. Remember that. Keep fighting, and let's all take care of each other.

fear. and abundance. and enoughness, and not-enoughness.
OR: I am Not Enough.

i realized this morning that there's some kinds of beauty that I think of as Not Allowed.
or Not For Me.

some kinds of Happiness that I think of as Not Allowed, or Not For Me.

part of me said, "why do i... it doesn't matter WHY just that I somehow figure out how to Allow myself"
then I backtracked and said, "no, the WHY *DOES MATTER* because I want to untangle this and then not allow it to happen again."

I want to ALLOW MYSELF ALL THE KINDS OF HAPPINESS and not think that I must prevent myself from x y or z because I am ME and something about ME-NESS means than I don't Get To Have Nice Things.

watching the koi as I fed them I realized I think of them as Jeff's joy, his calm, his happiness. And I caught myself saying, I must be businesslike, I'm not allowed to enjoy this, to enjoy watching them move, the peace of their deep swim and their curved bodies, I should be done with the task of feeding them and then move on...

like, that's so fucked up??? brain, WTF???

i often talk about abundance mentality but i don't know how to talk about DESERVING. And I apparently am either convinced I don't deserve nice things, or I'm afraid of getting nice things.

last night might have meant more hugs and cuddles, but I was afraid of getting in the way of my friends having hugs and cuddles with each other. they'd already been including me in their hugs and cuddles, and their sex jokes.

maybe I didn't need to rush home. I have shame about sex, and not knowing ... I can't even wrap words around what the shame is. It's deep and sorrowful and angry and resentful and *ugly cry*

maybe i could have had more hugs and cuddles. maybe it would have even moved into enough of a sensual place that I could hope for partnered satisfaction. (IT'S BEEN SO LONG.)

OKAY. I'm gonna call that enough wallowing for right now. If there's a chance, there's probably still a chance. I'm going to trust that I will someday be able to have what I want and need.

I mean, there's definitely hope. my friend S is a cute cuddly person and at the party friday night they were snuggling up to me and when I started making noises about leaving they cuddled back up to me and said,
"I wanna ask you something, but I'm nervous"
which is kind of funny to me because they're pretty brash and loud
so i said, of course, you can ask me anything!
and they said, "May I kiss you?"

and it was such a joyful thing to me, to be asked, in a comfortable affectionate respectful way, and I trust them so I was open to the idea,
and I said, with a giant grin, yes, you can (or yes, please, I forget how I phrased it)

And it was a nice kiss. No fireworks, but you could kind of see how maybe it would build to fireworks?

maybe I don't suck as bad as I think I do. I think my brain is an asshole, and my brain has a longstanding training of not believing people want me, in a going to bed kind of way.

okay.
I recognize that the training exists. I also understand that retraining is possible.
okay.
okay.
this is gonna be scary but I want to do this.

i'm fuckin' tired of not believing I'm ENOUGH enough to be wanted.

there's two possible places right there just this weekend, which might work out to be rewarding in that kind of way. I can start there, and pull on other threads for cuddle friends, and network it in together enough.

ok. I'm just gonna put it here:
I want a big, messy, passionate, laughing, juicy love life, and I want it to be enough that my heart stops hurting, and I want it to feel normal.


ok. Stuff I gotta do. more later. <3 peace!