Be the change you want to see.

Used to be that a weekend alone would trigger all of the rejection dysphoria.

It helps I know he was thinking about me, caring about me before he left, which is bound to start me off in a really good headspace. Jeff hit the grocery store before he left for the weekend. Got me some of the fruit we both like, some of the other food treats that we enjoy, and some fresh flowers.

It was really lovely to come home to after my class today at the Maker Nexus (wood lathe! Woo hoo!)

Really the dysphoria is about FOMO.

I've been working on that for quite a while now. Also Jeff and I have been living in each other's pockets this entire covid time with shelter in place and all. And I'm realizing, now that he is headed out for a overnight with his other sweetie, that I've really kind of missed having the house absolutely to myself, as I did for several hours a day while he was still working in the office.

For example, I'm dictating this out loud. I feel uncomfortable doing that when he's in the house. It's less of a roommate friendly thing to do, speaking out loud in place of writing.

A second thing that I have found that I miss, which I used to have all the time when Jeff was still working, is the ability to talk to myself as I wander through the house, to remind myself of what my tasks are, what I want to accomplish, cheer myself up, etc. Just caught myself doing that a minute ago and it was nice!

Another thing that I get to do when I have the house to myself, is I get to make what food I like in whatever way I like. It's actually not as hard to just make food of whatever kind for myself and eat it. It's more effortful to have to sit down with your partner and negotiate around what kinds of possible things y'all could eat, and what everybody is willing to settle for. That's a lot of work! (Every single night and now most lunches too, where he used to eat at work.)

I'm going to call my mom tonight, which is another out loud sort of task, that I will typically take out into the backyard so it's not to disturb whatever Jeff's vibe is.

And of course, it's much easier to write when I'm alone somewhere. I think I'm about ready to knock out Chapter 16, the pivotal chapter whose organization has been giving me fits for MONTHS.

I usually write by getting myself into the headspace of the point of view character, and just feeding the words out from what the feelings are. Yes I channel fictional characters for fun.

A problem arises that in cases where you can get interrupted multiple times a day it's extremely difficult to actually get writing done. It's not even like he's being mean about interrupting me, but the fact of living with a housemate you know... and I love him! It just means there's somebody else in the space who asks questions or who I ask questions of, just. I'm hoping I can finish this chapter before he comes back home again tomorrow! I think I can do it I think I'm in a good way in a good flow.

Gonna sign off here and pull up the doc for chapter 16, wish me luck!

(already posted this on Facebook)

I'm not sure how much of myself I have crafted, and how much of myself was already present from the beginning. I'm thinking this morning that I'm really proud of what I am and the way I have built myself and the life that I have crafted within my community and with my loves.

I'm having trouble writing more than tiny bit of stuff on quora. I guess I'm doing well with that, it feels like being helpful, and it's more feedback and validation for me as an author/internet auntie.

I keep reading, fine. Right now I'm studying R. Cooper's novels (Kindle lets me highlight! and write notes in my copy!

But my stories are languishing. It's more that I want to WANT to be writing, or that I feel like I need a task mistress (shush you now, I don't think I swing that way, but don't rule it out.)

Opinions? Suggestions? I have ideas, I know what I want to do, I just haven't been making myself do it unless challenged. Ie, Tumblr's post saying "if you're reading this, go write 3 sentences on your WIP!"

Like, that's engaging, and low stakes. Plus I have at least 3 WIP's.

Raaaar!

hitchhiker:
March 17 at 12:14pm ·
I've always felt there should be a better term than "hallmark holiday" to describe the mainstream commercialisation of holidays like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo that have actual significance to a group of people. labelleizzy just came up with the wonderful "plastic holiday", which describes the phenomenon to a T.

7 You, aelfie, wuukiee and 4 others

Comments

R A: I have to think about this. I'd prefer a term that more clearly underlines the way that crass commercialism has co-opted what had originally been a genuine celebration or remembrance.
Like · Reply · 1 · March 17 at 12:17pm

M E H: Hmmn. I have only heard the term Hallmark Holiday used to refer to things like Valentines Day or Mother's Day.
Like · Reply · 1 · March 17 at 12:54pm

hitchhiker: yes, precisely, which is why I was reluctant to use it for this. it's a different problem and should not be conflated
Like · Reply · March 17 at 1:46pm

wuukiee: Mardi Gras, too
Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 17 at 1:03pm

labelleizzy: My dad used Hallmark holidays to refer to Valentine's day, mother's day and father's day, all of those.
We didn't grow up in any faith system, so holidays always felt like going through meaningless motions. I've had anger at how St Patrick's​ has been advertised and made commercial, also Cinco de Mayo. They're not real cultural celebration, they're not authentic, they're plastic, fake, not nourishing.

Like · Reply · 2 · March 17 at 1:05pm