Be the change you want to see.

Used to be that a weekend alone would trigger all of the rejection dysphoria.

It helps I know he was thinking about me, caring about me before he left, which is bound to start me off in a really good headspace. Jeff hit the grocery store before he left for the weekend. Got me some of the fruit we both like, some of the other food treats that we enjoy, and some fresh flowers.

It was really lovely to come home to after my class today at the Maker Nexus (wood lathe! Woo hoo!)

Really the dysphoria is about FOMO.

I've been working on that for quite a while now. Also Jeff and I have been living in each other's pockets this entire covid time with shelter in place and all. And I'm realizing, now that he is headed out for a overnight with his other sweetie, that I've really kind of missed having the house absolutely to myself, as I did for several hours a day while he was still working in the office.

For example, I'm dictating this out loud. I feel uncomfortable doing that when he's in the house. It's less of a roommate friendly thing to do, speaking out loud in place of writing.

A second thing that I have found that I miss, which I used to have all the time when Jeff was still working, is the ability to talk to myself as I wander through the house, to remind myself of what my tasks are, what I want to accomplish, cheer myself up, etc. Just caught myself doing that a minute ago and it was nice!

Another thing that I get to do when I have the house to myself, is I get to make what food I like in whatever way I like. It's actually not as hard to just make food of whatever kind for myself and eat it. It's more effortful to have to sit down with your partner and negotiate around what kinds of possible things y'all could eat, and what everybody is willing to settle for. That's a lot of work! (Every single night and now most lunches too, where he used to eat at work.)

I'm going to call my mom tonight, which is another out loud sort of task, that I will typically take out into the backyard so it's not to disturb whatever Jeff's vibe is.

And of course, it's much easier to write when I'm alone somewhere. I think I'm about ready to knock out Chapter 16, the pivotal chapter whose organization has been giving me fits for MONTHS.

I usually write by getting myself into the headspace of the point of view character, and just feeding the words out from what the feelings are. Yes I channel fictional characters for fun.

A problem arises that in cases where you can get interrupted multiple times a day it's extremely difficult to actually get writing done. It's not even like he's being mean about interrupting me, but the fact of living with a housemate you know... and I love him! It just means there's somebody else in the space who asks questions or who I ask questions of, just. I'm hoping I can finish this chapter before he comes back home again tomorrow! I think I can do it I think I'm in a good way in a good flow.

Gonna sign off here and pull up the doc for chapter 16, wish me luck!

ten things make a post, so:

* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.

High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.

* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).

* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.

* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.

*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb

...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.

* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.

* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!

* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.

* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.

* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.

i have 888 bookmarks on Archive Of Our Own. woot!

i have 30 stories posted on Archive Of Our Own, most of them complete!

i have 8,095 words written for nanowrimo, woot!

I wrote 3000 words over two days, woot!

I just invented the word "dildoish"!

I wrote a sex scene hot enough that I had to go get myself off. Woot! :D

I'm grinning like an idiot and yeah.