December 2021

S M T W T F S
   1234
567 8910 11
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728 293031 

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
labelleizzy: (Default)
Wednesday, October 7th, 2020 12:59 pm
ten things make a post, so:

* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.

High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.

* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).

* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.

* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.

*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb

...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.

* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.

* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!

* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.

* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.

* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.
labelleizzy: (moon)
Friday, October 2nd, 2020 12:18 am
I probably have another post with this title. Important stuff, I have to learn over. And over and over.

Sex and shame are inextricably linked in this incredibly puritanical culture, especially for AFAB people.

You learn it young via jokes on the elementary school playground, books you're not supposed to read, shows your parents watch that you're not supposed to understand. Comics.

And now the wonders of the internet, she said sarcastically, offering new ways to shame women and other folks for daring to have desire, to want pleasure, to demand respect and honesty and trust and respect AND sex. And Good Sex.

How dare we.

It's an old tangle, and talking about something with such pernicious roots, both personally and socially, means it's really fuckin' difficult to talk about, even in a good supportive loving trustworthy relationship, even after close to 3 decades of therapy, processing, reflection.

So today I'm saying, I CLAIM THAT SHIT.
I CLAIM DESIRE. I CLAIM PLEASURE. I CLAIM SELF SOVEREIGNTY.

Finally I'm dropping whatever shame remains from this and past relationships' sexual mismatches and dysfunction. I'm dropping my shame about self-pleasure while partnered. I'm composting my shame and fear about my partner's desire and turn ons being opaque to me, and I'll have the fun I want and need to have.

when I invite him (or others) to join me, I won't have the resentment that comes up when my desire is stale and desperate.

I want to be fresh and flexible and agile. More spontaneous, more self nourishing.

That old lesson about filling your own cup first? Yeahhhhhhh I have not been good at doing that in this realm, and it's poisoned a lot of my relationships, left me with a chronic feeling of lack and inadequacy.

I am enough. I'm gonna be good to myself and then let that spill over.

*+*+*+*+*

Relatedly, I'm writing daily this month for Kinktober (which is now showing up in autosuggestion, and that tickles me.) Part of my goal to keep the writing going is to let myself feel my own sexual, sensual, sweet, loving, tender, and playful imagination.

I can't remember if I've linked my archive of our own page back on my profile, but if you like kinky shit search for this username on AO3, riffle through my fic, my tags and bookmarks, and have fun! There's gonna be a TON of new content on the internet this month for folks who love a kinky premise.
😛➰😁✒️🥰👌😯