Be the change you want to see.

It's 6:52 am and still dark outside. I've probably been awake for about 2 hours, woke myself up massaging my arm in my sleep and I guess the pain woke me.

Remember that silly song from childhood about bones being connected to other bones?
Well this morning I was massaging painfully tight tiny muscles around my right elbow and upper forearm, and I swear it triggered a nerve spasm in my LEFT FOOT. I had to move carefully, trying to not wake the Jeff... And then I realized that my right hip which has been horrifically tight AND my right hand which has been swollen and painful most mornings for weeks (that's the hand was broken at radius and pinky NYE '16 car crash air bag) was also tremendously easier.

So the elbow is connected to the... Hip bone 🦴 and the elbow is connected to o the... Wrist bone.

I'm sort of both LOL and sort of relieved. Always surprising to relearn something about my body and realize oh yes, I've learned that before.

So I'm up two? Three hours before my alarm? Which can be kind of nice once in awhile, as long as I can be quiet. And I'll sleep 💤 super well tonight.

Which means no tea, and no warm food just yet. Because everything I want for breakfast requires microwave (fucking LOUD BEEP), kettle (sustained rumble of boiling and loud click) or stove (which I just can't put pans on the stove quietly).

(Don't wake the Jeff)

Emergency cheese is good for now, and water. And a cat lap to help me stay warm.

I'm decently proud of getting dressed, glasses, hearing aids, exercise clothes and warm socks, quietly in the dark.

as i observed to my trainer today on zoom:

really good sex?
is like REALLY good physical therapy.

my leg is stronger, my balance on that side much easier. it feels like some part of my leg that's always tightly wound has... unspooled a bit. relaxed.

like it rarely relaxes but it has now.

Even beyond my shit not hurting today, that was really good sex.

we're still working on our communication around it, but this is the most hopeful i've been about our sex life in years.

we're doing couples therapy, and it seems to really be working because we both have buy-in.

the sexiest thing?
he SHAVED for me. like it was a real date and all.

happy anniversary, love. sixteen more years please!

I've hardly written anything ANYWHERE for three weeks or more because my whole bodymind has been dealing with stress from this Bell's Palsy.

Physical therapy is coming along well, I think. I'm trying to make sure I work my muscles multiple times a day. this is where it's unfortunate that I WFH because i see less people, and speech and expression are actually crucial parts of PT, doing more of what you need to be doing is the ideal PT.

Embarrassing shit about Bell's has included: having to use my fingertip to blink my eye (called a "manual blink"). Leaking liquid I'm drinking out of the weak side of my lips, until i figured out how to cup my tongue to the roof of my mouth and drink in small sips. Large gulps lead to leakage, still, sometimes, though after three weeks.

Also it's not like anyone is ever there to see it because we only have one bathroom sink so Jeff and I take turns brushing our teeth, but when your lips don't work right you can't SPIT cleanly. Dribbling out your mouth ugh

I'm glad i came to terms with my own fidgety nature a long time ago, because i have no shame or hesitation in massaging my own face whenever it's sore, or whenever i think about it. Massage helps with the blood flow and the stiffness/inflexibility.

i'm pretty proud of the fact that I continue to troubleshoot my own face. (I need to figure out what kind of band "troubleshoot your face" would be the band name for) By observing and analyzing what muscles make which expressions, I'm learning a lot about the practical things for my anatomy... did you know that your eyebrows raising activates muscles buried under your hair?

I did not know that until yesterday. So I'm working on things there.

Made it to Dance class last night. the Refuge class is a moving meditation class (which reminds me, I need to send a link on moving meditation to my trainer, who thought meditation was only about sitting still). We dance, sit, walk, dance, sit, walk, dance, sit. Claire brings music that consistently something surprises me, and something is familiar, every time. I love it.

I shared at the end of class (our last Sit is followed by an Integration Circle) about being grateful for class being a safe place to Show Up Imperfect (also it's a good place to Dance Ugly), and how my body betrayed me and broke the half of my face temporarily... J came up to me after when we were breaking down and said, what's it called, what happened to you? I say Bell's Palsy. He says, you know, I had that in 2012 after I was finishing chemotherapy? I was like whoa. He says It seemed kinda unfair that that got piled on on top of chemotherapy, and I agreed with him. Sounds like his Bell's episode was milder than mine, thank goodness.

Claire told me that she'd been worried about me (I've been sharing some of my stuff on facebook). I thanked her and said it was good to be back, and that I was happy about my own progress... that there was even a silver lining in that I'd had to take prednisone for the Bell's. I don't understand what exactly steroids do, but my muscles all felt lubricated and luscious and moved well while I was on the prednisone. And a bunch of the hitches and sticky muscles and joints? Just slid, released, let go. I can squat all the way down now! my shoulder and my hand from where I broke my hand NYE 2016, all that shit let go! my lower back and my hip let go!

Claire said, well, that is a nice silver lining about a shitty situation.

I haven't called it a shitty situation because I need to keep positive to keep going because I cannot allow the alternative. I cannot NOT keep going, you know?

But it is, has been, kind of a shitty situation.

Thing is. The Thing Is, that if we are lucky enough to live so long, our bodies will start to fail us in varied and unpredictable ways. We can't control it, so we shouldn't be ashamed of it.

We can only do as much as we can do. We can only fix what we can fix. WE can try to choose our attitude, but sometimes you gotta cry and rail against the gods, you know what I mean? And that's totally okay.

I'm crying and sweating as needed. I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm pretty proud of my own determination and my relatively new habits of self-care.

Keep on keeping on.