labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?


I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.


That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Spent a week staying at Jenn and Drew's, taking care of their kids (they're ​adorable little not-really monsters). About to head out for most of a week sleeping in a motel room and visiting Ayla and HER kids.
Then in two weeks I get to go to Kauai for a week with Jeff, Luci, Janise, xtyn and her Brian. Suddenly May is crazy of travel and sleeping away.
labelleizzy: (Default)

I can be a special kinda stupid. I can look willfully ignorant and inconsiderate. Perhaps I am actually stupid, willfully ignorant, and/or inconsiderate.



That is not my intention. I try to be the opposite of those things.



Intention doesn’t matter when someone feels they have been harmed by my actions.



So I’ve booked an appointment with my therapist and gonna unpack what’s going on. It’s gonna be rough. But that’s the grown-up​ thing to do, and in a case like this, it’s irresponsible to say “I don’t wanna adult today.”



All I can do is what I can do. The only person I can change is myself.

labelleizzy: (Default)
Today is going to be a tough day, internally/emotionally.
Food tastes like ashes and I'm kind of numb.

Just need to remember to breathe and to do the rest of the good things that get me through the day.

*hugs* if they're wanted.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Healing progress report.
Grip strength decent ish. Some tingles and pins/needles when I use the full hand/put pressure on it to do things. Feels like my nerves are still confused. Still waking up swollen every damn morning. Got a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow and I think Larry will be able to adjust shoulder-elbow-wrist-finger for some damn relief. Ring and pinky finger are still too swollen -stiff to fold, though thumb adjustment mentioned in the last post is holding, no pain/swelling on that side anymore.

Preparing to leave on a trip Friday. Today's for packing lists and laundry, a haircut, and some minor repairs. Oh, and ordering bikini tops for express delivery, heh.

Time to get to work!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Physical Therapy feels like it's going slow, but still, I can do a lot of stuff I haven't been able to.
Grip strength of the right hand isn't great, but it's mostly reliable and seems to be improving. *shrug*

One cool thing that I hope is actually progress: (background) I have a habit of cracking my knuckles and tugging on my fingers. (Mom says we have a family history of arthritis in the knuckles ugh)
The hand that's healing has been staying swollen for a lot of the day. Today I got in the hot tub and soaked hand and body awhile. The swelling went down and has pretty much stayed down.

Just now I was thinking about seeing the chiropractor, and wondering if he can adjust fingers. I think I remember him doing it. And I have had a swollen painful root-joint of the thumb pretty much this whole time.

So I tugged on the thumb a bit, had a bit of bright pain, but now I can touch my thumb across to my pinky, and the whole thumb-wrist part hurts less. I think I might have encouraged a tendon to move over just a bit, to go back to where it normally belongs! (*fingers crossed*)

Before I forget I'm going to take some more acetaminophen (I do miss ibuprofen but it clashes with one of my other meds) and hope to keep the swelling down.

The rest of my life is okay, and we have a houseguest this weekend, so I must dash!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Still healing up from the broken bones in my hand. The tracking of the healing isn't... addictive, exactly, except where it is. =)

Got the cast off a week ago tomorrow, week 4 1/2 since the breaks. From Wednesday to Thursday, my hand was unusable, horrifically swollen. Suddenly moving one of my fingers, or my thumb, felt like it does when you stub your toe. It didn't last, fortunately, just a flash of pain. It took two full days of ice packs and paracetamol and gentlest of wiggling to start getting any mobility, by Saturday I had convinced my thumb to just barely touch my forefinger. I could almost hold a piece of paper.

I had resigned myself to two weeks or more with sausage fingers as the swelling slowly reduced itself, but on Monday had a visit from my genius massage therapist and bodyworker, Nadine. She's the reason why I'm typing two handed, with only slight discomfort, tonight, Tuesday night. She does various styles of massage but is particularly skilled at Bowen therapies, in my experience. She worked on trigger point releases for my muscles that must have worked on my lymphatic system...

Was sat in bed midafternoon, feeling blarghy something like 3 hours after she'd worked on me, paying attention particularly to my injured/healing arm that had been crazy hot and swollen, and it was still kind of fat and swollen. Thought to myself "Oh, lymphatic drainage, let's raise the arm up over my head against the wall, see if it helps some more" and within moments got that cool, slight pins-&-needles feeling of "oh, I've held my arm up in the air for ages" but then a feeling *inside my arm* of WATERFALL. It was so weird and so cool.

AND the hot swelling hasn't returned. I still have to gently stretch out the muscles and tendons to return to normal flexibility, gently flex and expand to wake the muscles back up again and get my strength and range of motion. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at things) my life has given me plenty of opportunities to understand how to do physical therapy WELL.

Today I have been able to hold clothes, even to help pull my jeans up with the hand that's healing. I've opened and shut the car doors and more than once the doors in my house, with that hand. I was able to unload the dishes and hold/grasp certain items securely with the hand that's healing... narrow gauge cups, certain pieces of silverware. Fine motor control is lacking, though (couldn't drop the spoons with accuracy into their slot in the drawer) and I can't grip anything much wider than 3" securely as I have no strength yet in my pinky, and the pressure sensitive nerves in that finger (the one that broke in the car wreck) don't seem to be registering yet. I don't think it's damage, because I can feel scratches of my other hand's nail just as clear as ever, I suspect it's just the severe immobilizing from the cast and healing from the break that's making my pinky slow to recover.

I swear if I ever write a fighter character, or a big-bruiser character, breaking a finger, breaking a wrist, won't be a thing that gets written off in like two sentences. This shit is awkward, even if it's not painful (my definition of "painful" is fairly extreme, ask me about my hysterosalpingigram sometime, ... or maybe don't) and it's taken a ton of my meatspace CPU cycles to adapt to having one hand to use for five weeks, and my left (aka nondominant hand) to boot.

Also I'm going to be more forgiving of people's little imperfections: to wit: typos on the internet, and crooked parking in parking lots. Both of which I'm doing because I simply CAN'T, or because I've run out of either spoons or fucks. Example: like the apostrophe key (') that I have to stop, hit with my ring finger, because the pinky won't reliably hit it yet. However I *can* type with both hands and 9/10 fingers which is a lot easier in some ways than voice to text and swype, or straight up one handed typing on the keyboard.

eh.

Promised the cat I'd go to bed ten minutes ago. So I will. It's getting chilly here, February at midnight, and enough typing that I'm looking forward to the pain meds I'm allowed. Have overdone it a bit.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
well hello there, [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol community!

Apparently I'm here in time to say HELL YEAH LAST CHANCE IDOL! WOOOOOO!~~~

*climbs back on the horse*
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
Is your body YOU?
Is it all of you, part of you?
Does your body carry "you" around?
Is your body different from "you"?

I had a knee injury for fifteen years. As of November, that's 1/3 of my life. I had ACL replacement surgery 2.5 years ago.
And I've now been doing prehab, rehab, and working with a trainer for three years.

When do I get used to THIS body? This body is tons stronger and more flexible. This body can Do Stuff I wasn't able to do before. In this body my feet stay parallel instead of duck-footing to try and keep the knee stable. This body can balance on one leg to put a sock on, and hold a high plank position for almost a full minute, and roll out of bed without effort or pain. So many changes.

I keep getting shocked by this body... In good ways, true, and I know intellectually that I've worked hard to get here. But my gut, my feelings, keep expecting ... Like that this is too good to be true? Like somehow, without warning, I will automagically return to pain, and weakness, and brokenness.

Why can't I believe that my body has become strong? Why is it so hard to use that word to describe myself?


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

labelleizzy: (not a number)
Last night I had a lovely evening, involving dinner and working on an art project with M and N, who I like more, the more time I spend with them.

With dinner, I had a Thai iced tea. I think I maybe need to not do that anymore because OMG I could NOT get to sleep last night.
My lack of sleep was so bad that I cancelled this morning's workout. Four hours or something of sleep makes Lizzie a something something...

Got a good refresh and um-cuddle with Jeff this morning that was worth at LEAST two hours of sleep!

Too hot to work out at home. hoping I will be able to tag along with [livejournal.com profile] wrenb to a local public pool today. Gah.

Monday's workout, I've been meaning to talk about, but the details have been fading in my mind. I know I was doing a lot more work for longer stretches than I ever used to think I was able to do. Shoulder strength is coming along, as is flexibility. Yesterday I sat up in bed spontaneously and then held the 45 degree angle while I massaged past my belly fat to investigate the musculature: DEFINITELY coming along.

I lost 6 pounds between weigh in on Monday and the last weigh in 6 weeks ago, at least an inch at my waist, and half an inch off arm and leg. It's data, not cause for celebration. The stronger and more flexible is what I'm celebrating. I also wonder to what degree the Metformin is contributing to these recent changes. Cause it could be partly from that and partly that I've increased my number of accountable, structured workouts. Hmmm.

I find I am more willing to move, to fidget, to do more active things casually, than I did this time last year. Standing around with friends after The Winter Soldier, I noticed I could *not* stand still; had to fidget, move, pace, lean on Jeff, etc. It was... strange, and cool. Strong indicator of the nature of this change.

Last night's art project: I was able and willing to hunker down in a crouch, go up and down from it easily, and could stand in Horse Stance for several moments before I even noticed I was doing it. The EFFORT is just less, because the body is stronger. So very cool.

Awright. I got another bit of writing to complete today; even though I've been dropped from LJ Idol, I intend to complete the prompt.
labelleizzy: (Not Afraid)
Not feeling like I'm doing enough right now, physically, and work-out wise. Muscles and joints are achy and tight, I don't think I've been to the gym yet in February, and THAT has to change, pronto. Haven't been to a yoga class since December, and I can feel it all the time. BOTH knees are a bit sore, and that's unacceptable. I'm *still* stronger than I expect myself to be: I could hunker down in a squat and hold 20# of quiet baby on my knee with no problem, and I did manage to dig a 2' diameter hole for planting my rosebush yesterday, though it made me sore (and I squatted also to shift the dirt because standing to shift the dirt hurt my back, the shovel's too short)... but the muscles and tendons all round my knees hurt when I rub them, and my hamstrings are ridiculously tight.

every morning when I wake up I find myself stretching and stretching and stretching and it's never enough.

Today I have two goals. I'm not scheduled to work so I can do some much needed pick-up-and-put, but OMG I need to go to the gym, and gently work out all the parts of me! That's one.

Two is to build a draft of my resume, fresh and new, completely starting from scratch, well not scratch but my linked in profile...

Reward is that Cory Doctorowis in San Francisco tonight at Borderlands, signing his new book. I get to do THAT if I finish THOSE.

OK, LJ friends, help keep me honest. Poke me and help make sure I did those two things.

*exhale*
here goes nothing!
labelleizzy: (strong)
Went to the gym yesterday. Was a bit weird to have gone to the skin cancer surgeon in the morning, get assigned the Thursday surgery date, go out to lunch and freak out a little (and get a lovely couple of comforting phonecalls from [livejournal.com profile] laviolinista and [livejournal.com profile] madametromboni, separately)... and then go to the gym and be trained up in how to use some of the equipment that I haven't used yet.

Life in the midst of worry about... things. Basal cell carcinoma is, I grant you, a bit threatening, but shouldn't be life threatening; and obsessing over it is Officially, Not Helping.

So I met with a trainer, and we talked about my goals and a bit on my history. She was very professional, had a good "game face" on. (that's a skill I still work on and often fail) I tried a lot of new things, and learned some tricks to a few of the machines that I've been already using.
weight talk behind cut )
My highest weight, but I feel notably stronger than I have in years. And the shape of my big muscles feels smoother on the outside, like the toning I've been doing is stretching out & flattening the subcutaneous fat. Which perhaps it is.

Lots of good advice from the young lady trainer, which reinforced my determination to do a few of the things I've been doing at home, more often. Shoulders, hips, spine, flexibility.

Keep breathing. Keep taking care of myself. Drink more water, keep moving.

And don't wait a year to get a rough patch of skin, that won't heal, checked out by a doctor. Sheesh.
labelleizzy: (strong)
Had a physical therapy appointment today. It was an hour long, with Janet, who I like. I like all the physical therapists I've worked with. We don't get into political conversations, for example, where we might find out about our clashes, and the power dynamic is always very clear: she is the teacher, I am the student, I ask questions and clarifications, and I receive homework.

(grin)

Today went pretty well, considering I've wanted to go to the gym more, walk more, bike more, than I have actually done. Tried a weird-form-factor recumbent bike that they have there. It had this hitch to the pedaling where the mechanism seemed to work best if you spent equal force on the pushing out on the pedal and also on the pulling back on the pedal. So I think my hamstrings liked that part. =)

She got me on the treadmill, set it for .9 mph, and had me walk backwards. Win! I love that kind of thing, was telling her about the Waldorf kids walking and skipping backwards... she said, I don't know what that's like, I'm going to have to try that at home. So I have a new treadmill routine for the gym. (I'm probably going to warm up with the bike or with quick walking first) I walk ten paces, forward slow. I rotate 90 degrees and do sideways traveling with a mild squat-form. Rotate 90 and walk backwards 20 paces, count it as ten right-foot paces. Rotate 90 and sideways traveling on the other side, leading with the left, and then ten slow paces forward. It's going to be interesting trying that at the gym.

Did well on the hamstring curl, the ... press-thingy whose name escapes me at the moment, squats. Where Janet noted a particular improvement for me, and I had to admit it too, was in the balance department.
The tools they have... not sure tool is exactly the correct word... for balance include a squishy foam pad about the same form factor as a phone book (and they had one of those too, only wrapped completely in duck tape) and a round balance board with an underside like the bottom third of an exercise ball.

I actually could stand fairly securely on both, both-feet and single-foot balance! My ankles and the rest of my legs are developing this dynamic-stability strength. Feels pretty satisfying. Making good progress.

Told her my scar's gone completely flat, can't feel it through clothes anymore... she liked that. (so do I)
Also mentioned I'm planning to engage a trainer at the gym. She thought for a bit and said, That should be ok. But no jumping or running, the hamstring curl machine is okay but the machine that makes you straighten your leg, avoid that. Don't hyper-extend your leg. She also suggested that big free-weight lifting for the upper body when I'm standing should be avoided, to use the machines instead, especially if they let me stay seated.

No ballroom yet. (sigh) I can see her point though. The chaos and confusion, the dodging other dancers at the last minute... yeah. I can dance with Jeff in the living room though, and I'll try to invite him to do this more often. =) Told her (and it's only true) that I want to be on the ballroom floor comfortably (and hopefully pain free) when I'm 50, 60, 70.

Slow and steady, right? Ok.
labelleizzy: (follow)
So, you can still select questions for me to answer...

and you can do so here for [livejournal.com profile] zpdiduda (who added a few interesting additional questions to her list...)
and here for [livejournal.com profile] morlith
and here for [livejournal.com profile] bodhifox
and here for [livejournal.com profile] weirdodragoncat
and here for [livejournal.com profile] aiela
and here for [livejournal.com profile] tshuma
and here for [livejournal.com profile] dangerpudding
and herefor [livejournal.com profile] rightkindofme
and here for [livejournal.com profile] karenbynight.
and here for [livejournal.com profile] deedeebythebay
and here for [livejournal.com profile] mactavish
... and here for [livejournal.com profile] celticmoni


I'll keep adding these links as I find them up on my friends list, because this is an AWESOME means of doing short bits of storytelling and thinky-thoughts.

... did I miss anyone else who is perpetuating this particular meme?

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