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Taming the brain weasels

labelleizzy: (Default)
Friday, October 1st, 2021 12:50 pm
Just a minute ago I got ambushed by some brain weasels. And they were trying to tell me that I am a bad human being and I am an awful friend. So I let them try what they were doing for a couple minutes, and then I went to unpack the dishwasher. Putting things in order is one of the ways that I manage when my brain is giving me toxic messages.

So I was starting to feel better, and was going to come here to write about the moment, and a friend of mine, Jay, talked about how starting their ADHD medication, is helping them at work but is, they're feeling some feelings about it, about noticing that they think differently and don't have their silly, fun, side thoughts while medicated. So we're currently chatting about that. And that puts paid to the brain weasels. When person reaches out, and we have a conversation. And the brain weasels have been proven wrong.

Next thing I need to do is get cleaned up and my hair combed and washed and get dressed and accomplish a couple more things around the house, maybe finish some more of that dragon art I've been working on. I have a cute little design for a dragon baby that's sleeping, it's going to be a gift for my friends Sean and Julia.
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Last night I dreamed

labelleizzy: (make things!)
Saturday, April 10th, 2021 12:03 pm
Last night I dreamed that I cut off hair on one side of my face.

I did it badly, it was ugly, and a shocking change after growing it out for 18 months without a haircut.

There wasn't a reason for it as far as I can recall. Not in the dream anyway. Though I did just read some evocative pieces about women reclaiming themselves as they cut their hair short, to THEIR liking, not because parents or friends or lovers like their hair long...

But then in the dream, I was okay with it. I'd done something I wasn't entirely happy with, but I knew it could be made better, that I knew someone who'd help me make it better (Tysa's a hairdresser and really good), but most importantly:

It's only a CHANGE. A change isn't always a Mistake, and if it were, well.
MISTAKES ARE FIXABLE.

Why I have to keep learning this, I don't know, but I know that I do.

In possibly related news, I spent yesterday with Jeff doing a massive overhaul of my art, jewelry, sewing, and witchy storage and workspace. It was uncomfortable and poked my buttons and insecurities. Jeff was kind and very patient and I tried to be very transparent about feeling things. Once I took a minute to put my head down on my arms on the kitchen table to breathe and feel, and he rubbed my back, and when he stopped I grabbed his hand and he came back and rubbed my back comfortingly some more.

It's been a bit like breaking up scar tissue, but on my feelings instead of my body, for a change.

My stuff isn't ME. My IDEAS aren't me, though it often feels like they are.

It was also a little bit like when you move house and have to figure out what to keep and what is throw out, and where things can go now.

There's a lot of Work, and feeling Feelings about your literal Things, but once you have made all the decisions and put stuff where it goes, it feels GOOD. Satisfying.

There's a good bit more to get done, but I'm feeling better now that I've written.
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One good thing about adhd

labelleizzy: (Default)
Friday, November 13th, 2020 09:39 pm
I can literally distract myself out of a bad mood.

Ten minutes ago I was feeling ugly, wrinkled, and dowdy, with nothing interesting to say, but I read some Pixie and Brutus comics and I feel better.

I think I need to make a list of the shitty stories I've been telling myself again lately and then ceremonially burn them after writing their counterparts and solutions down as action items.

Today I took a class at Maker Nexus to get acquainted with the Prusa 3D printer. We have one at home but I haven't used it hardly at all... So thinking about what I might want to design and print is very interesting.

Thinking about wind toys and geometric shapes thus far. Need to do research about what's possible with this thing.
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words are problematic

labelleizzy: (write first edit later)
Monday, April 13th, 2020 09:44 pm
i spend enough of my days feeling numb that i simply don't have pretty words to spend.
yes it's the pandemic
but i didn't have enough pretty words recently to do more than write something tiny

i want to paint with words but with me the feelings happen and then the words happen.
no feelings? no words.

numb feels safer right now.

i feel helpless. i feel angry. i worry about catching coronavirus but i worry more about this future i assumed i knew the shape of and now it's this blank desert sand, blown by the wind into ripples and dunes, nothing permanent.

i've been ostriching pretty hard in my house for months. well before the shelter in place

numb means i don't abuse myself about how i should be doing more, though I *think* I've broken myself of that habit?

=-/

*exhallllllllle*

our girl [personal profile] wrenb brought us masks. I'm so glad for her and her quiet competence, love and support. I finally test-ran a mask i made today on a walk with Spouse who used to be Eeyore42... and my fabric is too dense to manage even light exertion. the flannel's gotta go, which means unpicking 17 or 18 mask blanks, dammit. but i could run up 10 or so fresh ones once i pick out and tear up new lining material. And i could put the ones that need seam ripped in the living room with the seam ripper and just grab that as a project the next time i sit on the couch.

*huffs* and suddenly i have a plan. clearly i need to write here more and stop lying about the house reading quite so much facebook. Make shit feel better. write words feel better.

okay then.
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Update: life is pretty good

labelleizzy: from lj user= angelbob (creative resourceful sane)
Saturday, February 8th, 2020 08:20 pm
Ten things makes a post.

1. Jeff and I started to take a drawing class together at the local community college. Third class was today and I'm really liking it so far!

2. Things are going better for me and him re: my own headspace and also re: the old resentments and unhappiness we've both been lugging around. He actually suggested that I should go ahead and make the appointment for couples counseling, and that he'd go.

3. Also, there's a new man in my life. He's patient and kind and he thinks I am adorable, sexy, curvy and kind and he tells me so using both his words and his body. I like him a LOT. And he's been really kind, sweet, and patient with me while I needed it. (Our last date was hot, and I needed that. Amazing.)

4. My brain is bad at scheduling and remembering scheduling, but we're going to try to see each other again soon. Yay!

5. Also on the my memory isn't great, Kaiser wouldn't do anything further on ADHD evaluation, so they signed me up for a memory evaluation. Which, okay, yay? Except it's in the geriatric department, so I Feel Some Feelings about that. I'm only FIFTY!

6. ALSO I need to get fitted for hearing aids, this tinnitus is driving me nuts... Also some other hearing related bullshit, dammit.

7. I made bread from scratch! And it was tasty and Jeff and Joanne liked it too. Jenn's recipe and technique, I like this!

8. I'm going to open DW in a Chromebook tab next time I open the laptop so I can come read about y'all's lives. I've been failing in that regard of late and I need to do better.

9. The drawing class we are in gives me faith that soon I'll be able to tackle some of the fanart I've wanted to make for AGES as gifts to authors I love, and THEN I get to learn how to post images on AO3, and after THAT I get to learn podficcing and digital art techniques. Which maybe Jeff will know more than me and can give me tips like I can give him tips with pencil and paper art.

10. I have so many stories to finish! I have so many story fragments and works in progress and while I love writing, it is HARD Work and I am DISTRACTIBLE. *sigh* I can do this.

I can do this.

PS the cat is cute as ever and says hello and "mom if you're going to sit there I'm going to groom you *lick lick lick*"
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