Be the change you want to see.

(I get to use this icon again)

Did you cry during the inauguration? I did, big shuddery breaths and all, and I've been doing it off and on all week.

Monday was a long effortful hike which my body needed badly.

Tuesday I got my Second Opinion with the Kaiser psychiatrist, and she said yes, I think you do have ADHD, and offered to try me on Strattera.

Wednesday we got up early enough to watch the Inauguration, and I cried a lot

Yesterday (Thursday) we had couple's therapy and I got to say a couple of things that have weighed on me my whole life. Jeff shared some things he said he would like to change, so there were lots of Feelings, and he kept me company while I had them.

Today's been cleaning up cat pee AND ALSO finding out I have a viral post on The Wellerman and the Worker's Songs folksong Tradition, so now I'm going out to find more good ones to add to the post.

Eventful goddamn week.

<3

ten things make a post, so:

* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.

High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.

* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).

* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.

* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.

*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb

...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.

* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.

* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!

* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.

* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.

* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.

Burning Man the VR experience... And the livestream of Burn events around the world, current and past...

And the smoke from local fires adds even more verisimilitude... (Cough, cough) OW

But the film 24 hours at burning man 2017was TREMENDOUS and just soothed the aches of missing the Playa, the art, the friends, the weather, the Temple, the beauty, the sunburn... *Grinning*

Seriously, it's well past time to Make Some Shit.

Okay. Bedtime.

Chromebook Tab Amnesty today, woooooo!

I was supposed to do a lot of art over the last two weeks. homework for the art class I am taking at mission college with Jeff.

adhd makes it so a lot of the time i have to basically stomp my way through planning A Thing.
right now i am writing a list of the steps i need to take and goals i want to try to complete today.

* make a shared folder for photo references
* move already-downloaded references
* go find and download the rest of the face references
* then put THOSE in the shared folder too
* pick two nose-mouth models and draw them
* pick one shot of Michael Sheen as Aziraphale to try to draw a headshot.
* draw that headshot
.
.
.
profit?

or well, be able to show some homework in tomorrow's Zoom meeting with Prof. Rivera.

uggghhhhhhh

it's funner and easier playing Animal Crossing or reading fic.

I did do a minorly effortful public artistic offering. the full moon was yesterday, and wednesday night i offered single-card tarot readings to facebook friends. Powered through something like 40.

(thank the gods for the Osho Zen Tarot app and screenshots)
Sometimes reading tarot can be very effortful and exhausting, I just decided to tread lightly, take the first impression, and run from card to card to card, holding focus on each individual just long enough to make and interpret the reading.

I think it let me use the leftover energy Ive had hanging about myself as I always do when it's hard to find purpose or to focus on my own behalf. I can usually focus for others. And Wednesday/Thursday being the Supermoon it just felt like I was riding that energy straight through the whole process. took less than two hours, I think.

okay. time to get back to work on collecting all my photo references.

more later!

I love the term nesting partner, which I first heard from Jenn (hi Jenn!) And that's become the core of my definition. We nest together, we build a home, we care for that home and for each other. We open that home to friends in hospitality and love and sometimes a little lust.😎 In the same vein we open our arms to friends in hospitality and love 💙 and sometimes a little lust. Sometimes the hugs and kisses are warmer and last longer, even despite time and distance, and sometimes they cool off and fade. (Occasionally they explode messily. Ugh 💀)
At some point in the last fifteen years I RELAXED. And I trust that he has my back and I have his. (That was important because I didn't grow up in a trusty family and neither did he.) That trust is the big thing. we can do a lot of little adventures, and some bigger ones, with that trust.

hi there brains!

(I've been watching a lot of How to ADHD on YouTube lately.)

funny you should ask, yes I have been learning more about adhd recently. Last week I asked my primary care physician about what kind of referral I would need to explore possible medication for adhd. she checked her email at around 10:30 pm, which I give her a lot of credit for, and told me she had set up a referral with psychiatry for adhd testing for me and an intake with one of the docs over there.

so today was testing in the morning. I had a chance to grab a slice of pumpkin pie and my emergency instant coffee on my way out the door.

i got there on time! v. excite!

had an intake form briefly asking how often I dealt with various symptoms. Losing possessions, failure to calendar things, I can't remember exactly what was on the list BUT I can add a photo of it to this post after I'm done.

*insert photo here*

The test itself was a click-the-mouse test. you were meant to hit the space bar anytime a letter flashed on the screen. except X, you were supposed to ignore X.

holy shit. once I knew what the test was I said "oh dear lord" I almost said, fucking kill me now. (and I never really say that)

I had to do that shit for fifteen minutes straight and it was fucking EVIL.

i'll get my results in a week to 10 days but I'm already working under the premise that I have this thing i have too many symptoms in the DSM-5 to NOT have it. I'm dang curious about the medication now though.

i just wanna take care of myself better, take care of Jeff and my house and the cats better. Wanna finish projects and hopefully focus better to finish my writing and other creative projects (I have some short sexy fic up on Archive of our Own that I'm pretty proud of, and more in the pipeline, it's just tough to finish.)

love and miss all yall, hopefully you are well and taking good care of yourselves.

I'll try to be back soon.

Yesterday was a day for what Louisa May Alcott called, IIRC, "the black megrims" (aka depression)
which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.

but I posted to Facebook,

Hey, y'all.
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.

and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?

I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).

After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.

(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)

and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.

Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)

I did good self care.

I can be proud of myself.

YOU know that the music made me do it... I saw that look in your eye, that glint of mischief.
the music made me flirt with you, how could I do otherwise, with jaunty jigs and reels whirling around in the pub...

the fiddle made me flirt with you, the drums made me dance with you, the pipes helped me pirouette, the singing helped me swing.

I could dimly hear the music from the parking lot across the street as I leaned against the car and invited you to the Fair.

you said in a soft voice, looking up from under those long, dark lashes, "are you asking me out?"
and that delicious twist your vowels used to make is still branded into my own way of speaking.
I said yes, I'm asking you out (yes i said yes i will yes).

we probably walked three miles that evening, had crepes and talked and told one another important and amusing stories, and never DID make it out to the fair. I can't remember when we first kissed, it seems like I've always been kissing you, even before I met you.

our second date was TEN DAYS long. *headshaking in disbelief* Eleven years later, I still can't believe how sexy and engaged and satisfying you were, how WE were together.
can't believe you.
can't believe US.

I spent so long looking for that kind of an US, and hurting for the lack of it.
I never take us for granted.

our third, or something, date, I drove down to visit and you'd gotten hold of both albums by an artist I had newly come to love.
I was flabbergasted. you took MY musical opinion seriously? soaring vocals and driving drums brought epiphanies...

you said, "Your words have an IMPACT, you know?"
and i... I... that was the start of me falling in love with you.

you said, "You're aren't broken, you're just bruised up some."
you said, "Come here and cuddle me."
you said, "I can't wait to get my hands on you!"

you said, "What do I do when we're waltzing, to show the follow where to go?"
I said, "you put her where you want her!" and that wicked glint showed for a moment before you scooped me up under my bum and carried me away and dumped us on the bed, both of us laughing hysterically.

you sang for me, little hilarious Canadian bar bands, and old sea songs, and we both rediscovered the round about barges sailing away on adventures.
and I sang for you, all the songs to sing together, all the harmonies, all the rounds I could think of.
we sang all the delightfully filthy or screamingly ridiculous songs I learned from decades working the Renaissance fair.

then you went away and I was sad, but we shared our love and our longings with words on internet and phone
and we missed each other
but then you came back and I had never, or maybe once before, known such blinding happiness.

because you came back, and we had music together again.
we had dancing together again (I will always love to waltz with you in the kitchen and wedding receptions)
we had singing together again (remember the UU choir and the parties at the "choirloft"?)

we had a home together.
we have a home together.

and now you play piano for yourself and for me, and the music makes me move, stretch and dance, or makes me curl up on the sofa next to you and watch you play (I never get tired of watching your hands and your face when you play piano)

and I think we should sing more, together and separately.

but definitely we should keep making beautiful music.
Together.


My entry for therealljidol this week. Prompt was "the music made me do it." I didn't fall in love with Jeff (eeyore42) JUST because of music, but music of ALL kinds, definitely helped.

More links here shortly.

Drove "up to the snow" (which is what we call it around here where the flat sea level plains get snow so rarely that it makes the news when we do) to meet my husband Jeff this weekend. Wow.

Squaw Valley is really a beautiful part of the world. And the Resort at Squaw Creek is well-architected for visual interest, buildings and grounds alike. Really nice. Really REALLY nice. (Enjoy poking around the website and checking out all the pretty slideshows.)
Also a really high altitude (~7000'?), which means that breathing can be surprisingly difficult at times, for those of us raised at sea level, and physical exertion is... exertion!

So of course I decided to try cross country skiing. =)
My second time trying cross country, though. The first time was in the middle of the 1980's somewhere. Um.

and it was effortful!
(my triceps are very sore from where I kept catching myself from falling by gripping hard and spiking the poles into the snow. VERY sore.)
Need to work on core strength some more, leg and calf and ankle strength, and then I REALLY want to go up and do that AGAIN before the snow season ends. Because it was the GOOD kind of challenge: enough new kinds of movement, new fun environment, an INCREDIBLY supportive partner (who helped me get up from the snow both times I fell, and cheered me on to try a little bit more each time), and lots of happy memories buttressing this new attempt. I love the snow. We used to go once or twice a year when I was a kid, my great-aunt Ethel had a place in Tahoe (she was a former mayor of Lake Tahoe, and so was her husband Don) and their back picture window had a view up-slope of one of the Heavenly Valley ski-slopes. While we did a lot of sledding and stomping and breaking off icicles and snowball fights, I never got to ski till I went on a trip in ... high school? with my scout troop? I think.

Skiing is fun, and now that I've successfully braved this new skill once, and my knee didn't even complain, I'm willing to go back and work on it some more. And next time I will probably even try going to ski DOWNHILL. Though I admit to a slight frisson of fear around the idea, the excitement of learning how to make me go fast(ish) down a snowy hill, is even greater.

Thanks again to cortneyofeden for the loan of ski-gear. The pants, jacket, and silk thermals were a HUGE contribution to my comfort and decreased my apprehension about my ability to cope with the elements. =D

I get by, with a little help, from my friends.

my teaching day was good, then okay, then ARGH with unnecessary student craziness and outright cruelty.

*headdesk* I had to write a note to the vice principal as well as to the teacher.

Then I got home, and eeyore42 was there! I didn't have to manage my frustration alone! It made me feel so much better to talk about it, and to eat some food. Then I phoned chinders about delivering compost-food to her house, then I got to go visit her and check on the progress of her garden (yay), dog training (yay) and behbeh chickens! I got to hold baby chickens! (almost adolescent chickens!) One perched on me for awhile, it was awesome.

Came home a little while later, started layout work on my poster for class this weekend. It's challenging - I'm doing art that requires a certain amount of precision, and well. Precision has rarely been my strong suit, but it is coming along.

I think that this is going to be great. AND I can put off one of the assignments I thought I had to do, till next weekend: read three more Steiner lectures and make a poster for THOSE. well.

Back to it then!