labelleizzy: (Default)
Week long trip to Kaua'i is drawing to an end.
Lord, I have a lot of things that I want to learn about Hawaiian history, botany, culture, politics!

I can make a long post once I'm home.
And hopefully figure out how to post photos into Dreamwidth.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Yesterday was a day for what Louisa May Alcott called, IIRC, "the black megrims" (aka depression)
which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.

but I posted to Facebook,

Hey, y'all.
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.


and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?

I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).

After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.

(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)

and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.

Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)

I did good self care.

I can be proud of myself.
labelleizzy: (inherent worth and dignity)
I havent written here in weeks. it was Burning Man prep, then i was gone for Burning Man, now this week has been Burning Man recovery. big fuckin deal, I guess, and yeah, it kinda was.

Met a ton of good people,






discovered I'd conquered last year's terrors, was productive and helpful, did my volunteer shifts, and so many bonuses.

During my shift at the Temple, I met the temple's designer. That was super cool, and he gave me a token to remember the Temple, it's truly lovely.
So was the Temple, though I had a rough time connecting with it at first.
(Temple Photos go here)






Tried to mostly take photos of people, missed a number of important people, though. Didn't photo too much of art cars or even the Man, my memories are quite vivid... there was a carnival theme this year, and there was a maze set up around the Man, with a small shrine in the middle. That much was very different from last year.

This year was full of dust and sandstorms, whiteouts where you can't see in front of you past the length of your arm.
(we hid from one whiteout in the Ali Bar Bar tent.)
I trusted my goggles and my dust mask, I knew what to do, and I survived just fine. It was cold as fuck at least three nights out there, and we hadn't brought enough bedding, but our friends lent us their extra blankets and we got by fine. We ate delicious food thanks to Jeff, and our tent was very comfortable. (also thanks to Jeff.)

Discovered what it's like to have my own things I want to do on Playa, and Jeff and I intentionally separated more than once to go have explorations and adventures.

I have this strange conviction that it didn't matter what I looked like, how I was dressed, how fat I am, how old I was compared to the Young And Cute. People were warm and welcoming and lovely, pretty much across the board. Kind words and gestures that are still soaking into me days later.

Last night was a "Dust-off" party thanks to someone in the extended Burner community. Met a few more new people, had some good conversation, watched some friends dance with fire and glow-poi and hoops, and I think I needed that.


To remember that was real, that community, that affection, that honesty and commitment to being better in the world.

The commitment to burn brighter.

I have more writing to do, I've been inhaling stories like a vacuum cleaner, it's time to start putting my own words out there again. It's easier to write when I'm alone in the house. Jeff and Our Jenn are out at the Farmers Market. I'm going now to get my coffee and finish something I started yesterday, and I hope to write more later today.
labelleizzy: (dance with Jeff)
YOU know that the music made me do it... I saw that look in your eye, that glint of mischief.
the music made me flirt with you, how could I do otherwise, with jaunty jigs and reels whirling around in the pub...

the fiddle made me flirt with you, the drums made me dance with you, the pipes helped me pirouette, the singing helped me swing.

I could dimly hear the music from the parking lot across the street as I leaned against the car and invited you to the Fair.

you said in a soft voice, looking up from under those long, dark lashes, "are you asking me out?"
and that delicious twist your vowels used to make is still branded into my own way of speaking.
I said yes, I'm asking you out (yes i said yes i will yes).

we probably walked three miles that evening, had crepes and talked and told one another important and amusing stories, and never DID make it out to the fair. I can't remember when we first kissed, it seems like I've always been kissing you, even before I met you.

our second date was TEN DAYS long. *headshaking in disbelief* Eleven years later, I still can't believe how sexy and engaged and satisfying you were, how WE were together.
can't believe you.
can't believe US.

I spent so long looking for that kind of an US, and hurting for the lack of it.
I never take us for granted.

our third, or something, date, I drove down to visit and you'd gotten hold of both albums by an artist I had newly come to love.
I was flabbergasted. you took MY musical opinion seriously? soaring vocals and driving drums brought epiphanies...

you said, "Your words have an IMPACT, you know?"
and i... I... that was the start of me falling in love with you.

you said, "You're aren't broken, you're just bruised up some."
you said, "Come here and cuddle me."
you said, "I can't wait to get my hands on you!"

you said, "What do I do when we're waltzing, to show the follow where to go?"
I said, "you put her where you want her!" and that wicked glint showed for a moment before you scooped me up under my bum and carried me away and dumped us on the bed, both of us laughing hysterically.

you sang for me, little hilarious Canadian bar bands, and old sea songs, and we both rediscovered the round about barges sailing away on adventures.
and I sang for you, all the songs to sing together, all the harmonies, all the rounds I could think of.
we sang all the delightfully filthy or screamingly ridiculous songs I learned from decades working the Renaissance fair.

then you went away and I was sad, but we shared our love and our longings with words on internet and phone
and we missed each other
but then you came back and I had never, or maybe once before, known such blinding happiness.

because you came back, and we had music together again.
we had dancing together again (I will always love to waltz with you in the kitchen and wedding receptions)
we had singing together again (remember the UU choir and the parties at the "choirloft"?)

we had a home together.
we have a home together.

and now you play piano for yourself and for me, and the music makes me move, stretch and dance, or makes me curl up on the sofa next to you and watch you play (I never get tired of watching your hands and your face when you play piano)

and I think we should sing more, together and separately.

but definitely we should keep making beautiful music.
Together.


My entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol this week. Prompt was "the music made me do it." I didn't fall in love with Jeff ([livejournal.com profile] eeyore42) JUST because of music, but music of ALL kinds, definitely helped.

More links here shortly.
labelleizzy: (Artists are Dangerous)
How is it Monday again already ?

*sigh*
Only did stuff around the house. I mean we did do LOTS of GOOD stuff around the house, we were hellaciously productive, we have researched and picked up and pruned and packed the green waste away, we moved a fruit tree, climbed up ladders and suchlike to do a mess of the pruning. I picked up four large handfuls of nails and screws that have been living under the half of our deck that's been demolished, I swear someone must have just lost their whole box of hex-holed screws and not cared...

Not a lot of social time with friends, just Jeff and me. But do you know what? I still enjoy the just-us time, almost as vibrantly as I did ten years at when we first met.

*smile*
I'm still pretty much the luckiest person I know.
labelleizzy: (changing habit)
Drove "up to the snow" (which is what we call it around here where the flat sea level plains get snow so rarely that it makes the news when we do) to meet my husband Jeff this weekend. Wow.

Squaw Valley is really a beautiful part of the world. And the Resort at Squaw Creek is well-architected for visual interest, buildings and grounds alike. Really nice. Really REALLY nice. (Enjoy poking around the website and checking out all the pretty slideshows.)
Also a really high altitude (~7000'?), which means that breathing can be surprisingly difficult at times, for those of us raised at sea level, and physical exertion is... exertion!

So of course I decided to try cross country skiing. =)
My second time trying cross country, though. The first time was in the middle of the 1980's somewhere. Um.

and it was effortful!
(my triceps are very sore from where I kept catching myself from falling by gripping hard and spiking the poles into the snow. VERY sore.)
Need to work on core strength some more, leg and calf and ankle strength, and then I REALLY want to go up and do that AGAIN before the snow season ends. Because it was the GOOD kind of challenge: enough new kinds of movement, new fun environment, an INCREDIBLY supportive partner (who helped me get up from the snow both times I fell, and cheered me on to try a little bit more each time), and lots of happy memories buttressing this new attempt. I love the snow. We used to go once or twice a year when I was a kid, my great-aunt Ethel had a place in Tahoe (she was a former mayor of Lake Tahoe, and so was her husband Don) and their back picture window had a view up-slope of one of the Heavenly Valley ski-slopes. While we did a lot of sledding and stomping and breaking off icicles and snowball fights, I never got to ski till I went on a trip in ... high school? with my scout troop? I think.

Skiing is fun, and now that I've successfully braved this new skill once, and my knee didn't even complain, I'm willing to go back and work on it some more. And next time I will probably even try going to ski DOWNHILL. Though I admit to a slight frisson of fear around the idea, the excitement of learning how to make me go fast(ish) down a snowy hill, is even greater.

Thanks again to [livejournal.com profile] cortneyofeden for the loan of ski-gear. The pants, jacket, and silk thermals were a HUGE contribution to my comfort and decreased my apprehension about my ability to cope with the elements. =D

I get by, with a little help, from my friends.
labelleizzy: (nanowrimo)

I am grateful that...

 

* I have a husband who loves me and who I love & can respect , is physically demonstrative with affection, pets, and cuddles, and supports us both in comfort.

 

*I have a pair of silly and serious kittehs, who nag me to get up, to pet them, to feed them, to play with them.

 

* I have exceptional health. I barely got a sniffle, for the last two years. My body is working well and responding to Martha Graham's "slow and steady pressure" as I incorporate loving movement into my daily habits.

 

*I have a good mind. I troubleshoot and bring creative problem solving skills to all kinds of situations, and sometimes can find the solution that eludes others.

 

* I have a good heart. I try to love well and without "judging", and to communicate proactively and with radical honesty. I try to bring health, clarity, and optimism wherever I go.

 

I am grateful for my ability to learn from my mistakes and to incorporate these lessons into my life. Every bit of learning has something to do that can make Life better, and even the small lessons (eat something when you get up if you have a Sad) have a remarkable impact. (like now.)

Today.

Mar. 25th, 2010 07:24 pm
labelleizzy: (quiet before the work)
my teaching day was good, then okay, then ARGH with unnecessary student craziness and outright cruelty.

*headdesk* I had to write a note to the vice principal as well as to the teacher.

Then I got home, and [livejournal.com profile] eeyore42 was there! I didn't have to manage my frustration alone! It made me feel so much better to talk about it, and to eat some food. Then I phoned [livejournal.com profile] chinders about delivering compost-food to her house, then I got to go visit her and check on the progress of her garden (yay), dog training (yay) and behbeh chickens! I got to hold baby chickens! (almost adolescent chickens!) One perched on me for awhile, it was awesome.

Came home a little while later, started layout work on my poster for class this weekend. It's challenging - I'm doing art that requires a certain amount of precision, and well. Precision has rarely been my strong suit, but it is coming along.

I think that this is going to be great. AND I can put off one of the assignments I thought I had to do, till next weekend: read three more Steiner lectures and make a poster for THOSE. well.

Back to it then!
labelleizzy: (balance)
Friday went reasonably well. The kids were very patient with me, though I got the hairy eyeball for messing up the words to the song and for ringing the wrong bell to call them back to recess. Because I don't know any better. =) I'm okay with that, observing for three days, out sick for one day, then taking the classroom for a day as the full teacher (the first substitute, I am told, that Scott has had during the three years he's had this class! Amazing!)

I had fun, I learned a whole lot, I have been reflecting on my mistakes and where I can fix them or do better next time.

Friday night and Saturday morning classes have been good from the perspective of preparing for the upcoming two weeks, and getting feedback from my classmates both on art and on lesson plans. Willow and Melinda both have said that they are envious of my energy and confidence in front of a classroom and that they think I'll be a wonderful Grades teacher. *beam*

A whole week of not-enough-sleep means I spent four hours comatose this afternoon instead of socializing with my hubby... =( But I had dinner and then have been reading and talking with him, telling him about my week, we have a fire going downstairs, and a really, RILLY nice bottle of Ridge Carignane (sp?) that we're drinking between us.

*curious*

he's playing some kind of swing music downstairs, I'm going to investigate.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Ridiculous and inconceivable that tomorrow is my last day of Summer Session for the Waldorf teacher training.
I won't get to see my friends every day? I won't have dance and art history and creative writing and speech classes every day? I won't get to hang with the incomparable Ken, my sculpture teacher? I won't be learning new songs on the fly every morning with Lisa?

*WAAAAAHHH!!!*

This has been wonderful. I am entirely sorry it's almost over. I will survive the transitions necessary, but for now I have to kick my own ass to get there.

I get to bring a lot home with me. My Main Lesson book from Roberta's class, with art and poetry we created together. Some of my sculpture work. A LOT of literature to read and share, including a great article on the Waldorf philosophy of reading in elementary school. I have work I want to continue to refine, including writing and speech exercises, some of the art in the Main Lesson book, and I have a bit of clay I can use to be creative, and which might last a long while if I am kind to it.

Tonight I have to make a card for Glenda, another for Anne-Marie (my class secretary), and try to do a bit of practice for Saturday's assembly: the skit, the speech exercise, and the eurhythmy performance.

Gonna take the husband out to find some food he finds appealing. Right now he's feeling better enough to play piano, which is a VERY good sign.

Love ya, read y'all later,

Liz
labelleizzy: (Default)
I heard an echo from childhood today, a memory with repercussions:

"No, not YOU!"
"It's not ABOUT you!"
"As if YOU know anything aBOUT it!"

And this is why I fell a little in love with Jeff; I said "Evanescence is a cool band, I recently heard an album of theirs..." and he downloaded everything he could find by them by the time we had our next date next week.

*jaw dropped*
You did this because _I_ said they were good?
he sort of smiled, with that one eyebrow raised and said,

"Your words have an impact, you know."






Everyday I struggle between feeling invisible versus trying to influence people's thinking.
I realized during tonight's concert that the echoes of childhood can go away now.
I will feed the wolf of kindness and consideration and of trying to do the right thing.
I will work to believe that people find my company and my time valuable and worthwhile.

And I will work toward treating myself as if I am "a keeper", worth the maintenance costs and upkeep.

A little bit every day.
A little bit every day.
A little bit more every day.

I will.
labelleizzy: (follow)
thanks to [livejournal.com profile] mitrian and [livejournal.com profile] tsgeisel...
I like my results...!

Read more... )

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