Be the change you want to see.

(I get to use this icon again)

Did you cry during the inauguration? I did, big shuddery breaths and all, and I've been doing it off and on all week.

Monday was a long effortful hike which my body needed badly.

Tuesday I got my Second Opinion with the Kaiser psychiatrist, and she said yes, I think you do have ADHD, and offered to try me on Strattera.

Wednesday we got up early enough to watch the Inauguration, and I cried a lot

Yesterday (Thursday) we had couple's therapy and I got to say a couple of things that have weighed on me my whole life. Jeff shared some things he said he would like to change, so there were lots of Feelings, and he kept me company while I had them.

Today's been cleaning up cat pee AND ALSO finding out I have a viral post on The Wellerman and the Worker's Songs folksong Tradition, so now I'm going out to find more good ones to add to the post.

Eventful goddamn week.

<3

My sister-in-law is in a pretty strapped situation right now. She's got a month old brand new baby. The father of the baby has turned out to be a pretty s***** person: untrustworthy and abusive enough that the cops actually put a Stay Away order on him. Her 18-year-old has moved out, and is now sending her abusive messages. She has depression and other issues that have put her on disability. And she's overwhelmed. Because of course her landlord wants to sell the house she's been living in, now in this covid-drenched pandemic hellscape.

*Measured breathing*

I want to help and don't know really sure how to. I know what I would do in her shoes. I actually DID a lot of the things I would recommend to her, when I was her age.

Our life experience is really similar on multiple axes, main difference being I didn't have kids (thank goodness, and no offense to anyone with kids or who wanted kids) Life is easier without having to wrangle, raise and educate kids... And my body being what it is, I'm even more glad that I didn't.

Okay.

Here's where I say the things I can't say elsewhere, and especially not to her.
I feel like she's been bullied all her life. By her birth family, by men she hoped to build a life with. Her mom was bullied by HER birth family. Her mom is COWED. Her dad is an *asshole*, to put it bluntly. (Yes it's personal. No I'm not getting into it, except to say that he fucked up, so it's on him to fix it, it's emphatically Not My Job.)

I wanna help. But I just fuckin' feel sorry for her (and for her mom) and wanna wave my magic wand and Fix It All. But I know she has to build it herself.

My focus is to A) hold my own boundaries. B) encourage her to make conscious choices. C) encourage her to discover healthy boundaries and healthy relationships and seek them out.

I haven't priested like this in a long time. I'm out of the habit (haha) and I'm going to need to practice balancing my own needs and not overextending myself, with offering the kinds of help I can afford to offer.

Not sure what I'm asking for, except maybe support and validation of any of y'all have worked before with women struggling in an abusive situation who feel overwhelmed and trapped.

At least she's not living with the current asshole. But she was still trying to propitiate him with her baby name choice, so ... *Throws hands up in the air*

Back to therapy today, because I have been so frustrated with the psychotherapist no wait psychiatrist at Kaiser and her b******* unhelpful attitude. We talked about that for a bit, and then Laura also had some specific and concrete suggestions for things I can do to help my organization, she suggested an executive functioning coach, which I did not know that was a thing. She also said I should be able to self-refer within Kaiser for the mental health department. Or to complain or appeal the decision to not give me further testing for ADHD. She said there is wellness coaching available at Kaiser which should be for free and that the wellness coaching is CBT oriented and happens by way of the telephone. She also thought that doing some kind of brain training might be useful and mentioned biofeedback as a possibility? Especially if I don't want to try and go on to medication for the ADHD.

She also suggested that I might find it easier to stay engaged in writing, by using different writing modes. Which I already do, for example right now I'm using speech to text, occasionally I will hand write things, and I'll use my phone, or the laptop depending on circumstances. She recommended something called snowflake. Which I'm going to have to look up, but it sounded vaguely familiar and like it might prove useful especially for outlining and organizing ideas.

Today i let my therapist go.

I feel really good about this. Solid, confident, like this cycle of healing is done and I'm ready to be challenged by the next lessons in creativity, compassion, and empathy. \m/

for Inktober, a meme crossed my dash on FB

i wanna write short pieces for each of them

day 1 is Witch

I didn't plan to become a witch
but the pain was too much
and it had to go somewhere

you flayed me open
pushed inside and
burned my heart

I pulled myself back together
grasping at ragged frayed edges
of my dignity and personhood

and then I finally got home:
told you what I thought of you
and burned the last vestiges in the sink.

wiping all of your fingerprints off
may never be completely finished
because fuck this stupid world anyway

getting bad-touched again and again
till you can say no and mean it
and make it stick (goddamn those who push straight to hell)

goddamn me too; I try to do right/write/rite
without the language to call it what it is
and so I study the secret words.

Power. Words are Power.
Name it. Hold it still.
And someday? it will do as you will.

hi there brains!

(I've been watching a lot of How to ADHD on YouTube lately.)

funny you should ask, yes I have been learning more about adhd recently. Last week I asked my primary care physician about what kind of referral I would need to explore possible medication for adhd. she checked her email at around 10:30 pm, which I give her a lot of credit for, and told me she had set up a referral with psychiatry for adhd testing for me and an intake with one of the docs over there.

so today was testing in the morning. I had a chance to grab a slice of pumpkin pie and my emergency instant coffee on my way out the door.

i got there on time! v. excite!

had an intake form briefly asking how often I dealt with various symptoms. Losing possessions, failure to calendar things, I can't remember exactly what was on the list BUT I can add a photo of it to this post after I'm done.

*insert photo here*

The test itself was a click-the-mouse test. you were meant to hit the space bar anytime a letter flashed on the screen. except X, you were supposed to ignore X.

holy shit. once I knew what the test was I said "oh dear lord" I almost said, fucking kill me now. (and I never really say that)

I had to do that shit for fifteen minutes straight and it was fucking EVIL.

i'll get my results in a week to 10 days but I'm already working under the premise that I have this thing i have too many symptoms in the DSM-5 to NOT have it. I'm dang curious about the medication now though.

i just wanna take care of myself better, take care of Jeff and my house and the cats better. Wanna finish projects and hopefully focus better to finish my writing and other creative projects (I have some short sexy fic up on Archive of our Own that I'm pretty proud of, and more in the pipeline, it's just tough to finish.)

love and miss all yall, hopefully you are well and taking good care of yourselves.

I'll try to be back soon.