Be the change you want to see.

Last night I went to dance class, and Monday night ecstatic dance class usually has some philosophical elements. There's a reason why I think of it as Dance Church.

Last night at Dance Church (laughing), we wound up talking about the fact that at in our dance class, we tend to, or even more strictly than tend to, are generally instructed to keep our communication nonverbal.

Which means that sometimes it can be difficult saying wholeheartedly yes, or no, to an invitation to dance or be intimate in other ways, not like sexy but intimate. Eye contact for example. We sometimes have difficulty getting what we want because there's the tradition of not using words.

So that was something that Claire was working on with us last night. For a change, last night our exercise or our thing to think about, involved us using our words to meet someone, invite them to walk with us, accept the verbal yes. We did that with a few partners, over the course of a few minutes, and then we spent a moment exploring opportunities to say no, with the explicit instruction to try some requests that the partner could say no to. John for example said can I mess up your hair? And I said no. And then he asked can I tickle your feet? And I said no, silly, I'm walking on them! To be continued...

It was a good exercise for me, to think about how do I offer space for yes. Yes is the hard answer for me, because I have trust things going on. It was also good exercise, because after we did those two yes's and no's verbally, practicing them with different partners, we paused for a little while, and discussed things in a circle and that happens very infrequently. Especially in this class. Claire led us through sharing and acknowledging what body language that says no, looks like. She used the terminology, open for business versus closed for business.

a non-verbal no on the Dance Floor might look like:

* No eye contact, or staring at the floor.
* Closed eyes
* Moving away from someone who's moving towards you, like they're about to ask you to dance.
* Dancing Really Big (this is one of mine)

A non verbal yes on the Dance Floor, might look like

* Eye contact on a friendly face
* Someone dancing near you and echoing your movements in some ways. Stewart is really good at doing this in a gentle and non-threatening way, which I profoundly appreciate.
* a big smile, and moving towards you instead of away

As with any part of society, we have had and our dance community, people who feel uncomfortable because other people are approaching them when they would rather be alone. John remember to me a time when he had been dancing quietly by himself with his eyes closed, only to open his eyes and suddenly there somebody right up against him dancing. Chelsea mentioned a pattern of behavior she's noticed, where other dancers talk to her after dance, mentioning that they thought she looked really sad because she was dancing alone. Or that they thought she look much happier on days that she was dancing with other people! I'm not quite sure what to do with that. I have not experienced that myself but I believe it!

I guess I have to acknowledge that we are all constantly judging each other. That judgment isn't necessarily mean or harsh, but that we are making decisions about people around us and near us, our safety and our environment, all day everyday.

The problem with a non-verbal environment, is that disambiguation is really hard. The fact that I'm happiest dancing on My Own a lot of the time, should be something that people can observe and respect, and they're welcome to offer or join me, and I'm welcome to say no or yes, according to how safe I feel.

I mean, earliest on, when I started doing this form of Dance, I came from a dance Community before this, where if you didn't have a partner you would not get to dance! Set dances require a partner, ballroom dances require a partner. But ecstatic dance, is a free-form dance. And you can dance however you want with or without whoever you want.

I think I really appreciate, says the woman whose nickname is Words, putting that into words. The previous feelings of loneliness and feeling abandoned, when a dance would go on and I didn't have a partner, though I would want to dance! And how you judged yourself as being unworthy, if you couldn't find a partner, especially for a particular special dances, I am remembering I kind of panicky feeling, rushing around trying to find a partner for that one waltz, or that one set dance. And how disappointing it was to not have a partner!

I appreciate the freedom, so much of being able to explore my own body and how I move in a semi-public space. I remember when I started with this dance community how hungry for movement, contact and attention I was, how angry I was at myself for not having a partner to dance with, like it was my fault for being new and not having those relationships with people. I remember thinking that everyone was already in their little clicks and that I would never have that kind of closeness with folks in that space.

But now, I have been doing this for years and I've made friends, in spite of only rarely talking to them or only talking to a few of them outside dance. I feel safe there. I share, I share of myself, not as much with words as with letting go of my own movement oriented limitations. I let my shoulders move. I let my breasts move. I recently found permission for myself to let my hips move, even though that little critic in the back of my head, worries that someone's thinking like I'm trying to seduce somebody. But I'm not, and anybody who has that misapprehension, honestly? That's on them. That is not my fault nor is it my problem. And because this is a safe space I don't worry about it, or very little. Unlike in the so called real world.

It can be really freaking hard to be a woman in America. And especially over the last two years it's been really freaking hard. Quite honestly I've been hiding in my house and glad to work from home. But I have spent an extended period of time studying how to move, freely and with confidence, how to give and receive permission, how to offer consent and ask for it. I need to move out into the world to do more of that.

Okay, goals.
I'm going to invite Claire to read this.
Think more about intimacy and safety.

I promised I would do a second post on intimacy. The problem is that it's now late Sunday night, and my concept for this pair of blog posts happened on Thursday before and around my usual therapy appointment. And in that intervening space, I have lost the thread of most of what I know I wanted to talk about.

To be continued...

The dark side of intimacy I guess, is what happens when rather than your trust is repaid and returned, it's frustrated, stomped on, not returned, or actively betrayed.

This has been my lifelong fear, because I was well into my teens before I met people who I could trust with the emotional parts of me. My family was bad at emotional stuff. My family was bad at hugs and encouragement too. It took me many many years to learn how to trust people and I was very lonely. You can't have real intimacy, or I can't, without safety and trust.

That fear,I have that fear. That expectation that there will be an imbalance in investments, or... Honestly as a woman in this culture, my most constant fear in social spaces is that someone else will develop expectations about me. Expectations that I will give them something that I don't necessarily want to give. Because that has happened. Expectations that I owe them something. Other people have expectations when no communication has occurred and I haven't offered that freely to them.

Or like the friend who cried on me last week: that I could talk myself blue in the face about what I need, what I want, what in the relationship is hurting me... And having that ignored, disregarded, disrespected. Because that has happened too, several times. Starting with my own father.

Honestly, on hard days it seems miraculous that women and femmes can see past all the shit we've survived to be willing to risk deep connection and intimacy anymore.

... I have more to say but that's it for now.

Peace. Sleep well y'all and have a good week.

Dang, you know its been six years since some of my friends IRL stopped posting over here on LJ, and I (mostly) can't beat to "unfriend" them.

Naetheless, just did a small amount of maintenance on my flist.
If you're a new friend, or changed the name of your journal, I may have removed you by mistake. If you're actively reading, but don't comment, now is a good time to let me know.

And! In the housekeeping spirit, hello new friends!
Still welcoming folk from ghost_light's friending friendzy, welcome to my space.
The kettle's over by the sink! The tea is in the pantry, the teacups live in the drawer at the left of the stove. Once you've visited once or twice, you can raid the fridge, (try to) pet the cats, and help fold the laundry.

Irish hospitality. :) I learned from the best (god rest her soul and grant her peace, she was and is deeply loved)

Oh, and if you love fanfic we should totally talk. :)