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I promised I would do a second post on intimacy. The problem is that it's now late Sunday night, and my concept for this pair of blog posts happened on Thursday before and around my usual therapy appointment. And in that intervening space, I have lost the thread of most of what I know I wanted to talk about.
To be continued...
The dark side of intimacy I guess, is what happens when rather than your trust is repaid and returned, it's frustrated, stomped on, not returned, or actively betrayed.
This has been my lifelong fear, because I was well into my teens before I met people who I could trust with the emotional parts of me. My family was bad at emotional stuff. My family was bad at hugs and encouragement too. It took me many many years to learn how to trust people and I was very lonely. You can't have real intimacy, or I can't, without safety and trust.
That fear,I have that fear. That expectation that there will be an imbalance in investments, or... Honestly as a woman in this culture, my most constant fear in social spaces is that someone else will develop expectations about me. Expectations that I will give them something that I don't necessarily want to give. Because that has happened. Expectations that I owe them something. Other people have expectations when no communication has occurred and I haven't offered that freely to them.
Or like the friend who cried on me last week: that I could talk myself blue in the face about what I need, what I want, what in the relationship is hurting me... And having that ignored, disregarded, disrespected. Because that has happened too, several times. Starting with my own father.
Honestly, on hard days it seems miraculous that women and femmes can see past all the shit we've survived to be willing to risk deep connection and intimacy anymore.
... I have more to say but that's it for now.
Peace. Sleep well y'all and have a good week.
To be continued...
The dark side of intimacy I guess, is what happens when rather than your trust is repaid and returned, it's frustrated, stomped on, not returned, or actively betrayed.
This has been my lifelong fear, because I was well into my teens before I met people who I could trust with the emotional parts of me. My family was bad at emotional stuff. My family was bad at hugs and encouragement too. It took me many many years to learn how to trust people and I was very lonely. You can't have real intimacy, or I can't, without safety and trust.
That fear,I have that fear. That expectation that there will be an imbalance in investments, or... Honestly as a woman in this culture, my most constant fear in social spaces is that someone else will develop expectations about me. Expectations that I will give them something that I don't necessarily want to give. Because that has happened. Expectations that I owe them something. Other people have expectations when no communication has occurred and I haven't offered that freely to them.
Or like the friend who cried on me last week: that I could talk myself blue in the face about what I need, what I want, what in the relationship is hurting me... And having that ignored, disregarded, disrespected. Because that has happened too, several times. Starting with my own father.
Honestly, on hard days it seems miraculous that women and femmes can see past all the shit we've survived to be willing to risk deep connection and intimacy anymore.
... I have more to say but that's it for now.
Peace. Sleep well y'all and have a good week.
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