Be the change you want to see.

I'm struggling to adult and there's lots to do.

* Relationship foo

* Schedule foo (see friends, see family, have dates

* Polyamorous foo (dealing with jealousy and finding the courage to bring up my concerns and ask for what I want)

* HEALTH foo, which is multilayer:

** Body pain: *chiropractor, *physical therapy and maybe *massage? I could use my birthday card from almost 2 years ago, but still, SCHEDULE foo.

** Optometry: apparently my last visit was in 2017. I didn't break my glasses so I guess I just didn't go in? (Scheduled for Friday PM)

** Gynecology. Because the girl parts smell bad, I have mild pelvic pain,and zero libido. (Just scheduled for Thursday PM.) ALSO I need to understand more about what to expect from my hopefully upcoming menopause.

** Mental health. The depression and ADHD are not managing themselves. I'm spending hours per day on the internet basically trying to cheer myself up.

About that last one. Today got pretty bad because J was starting another dating website profile, and it hit me hard. We have Stuff To Talk About and I struggle with starting the conversation. Partly because it went so badly for me before when I brought up Previous Stuff, which is also an Aspect of Current Stuff, of course.

Okay.
BUT I DID ask for help earlier today when I found myself panicking and spiraling, and he dropped what he was doing to come over and help, so that was good.

AND I'm going to have a needed shower 🚿 (my hair's been up in a braid for three days and it wasn't clean before that) also the previously mentioned smelly parts definitely need some gentle TLC.

And then I'll eat a little bit more of something.

I'm thinking this all is like getting a farm or a garden back up and running after fourteen months of not looking after it. The neglect, in the end, hasn't been very benign.

kinda feeling crappy about the world and my role in it.

last post about remembering that I have power? yeah. I have to remember that i have power in order to make a thing happen.

BUT i have to decide what i WANT to happen, first.

things i want:

• to stop beating myself up
  
• to figure out what kind of job I am willing and wanting to do and how to get there
  
• to find some way of getting back out into the poly dating world
  
• to find other means of achieving intimacy than sex.

(Because it's INTIMACY in its varied form that i miss, even more than sex.)
and

• find some way of making the whole world suck less. Literally, the government OF THE USA has LOST 1475 children THAT WE KNOW OF only because 20 or so were recovered as part of a child sex slaves sting.


Okay.

This sort of thing in the news is exactly the kind of terrorism that is designed to make us all feel helpless.
but we are not helpless. And there is hope.

we are the hope we need to see in the world.

I don't know what are the answers to the things on the list, except generally. If I want intimacy, I need to spend time with my trusted people. Which means that I need to ASK FOR THAT.

If i want to stop beating myself up, I have to practice habits of self care. Which include getting the FUCK off the computer when thinking about the news is making my head explode from rage, like Anger in Inside Out.
FOOM!!!!

How can I make the world suck less? Do more of the encouraging things I already do, and think of other ways to be encouraging/supportive/helpful. To make more art. To write more.

Join the ACLU. I've been meaning to for awhile. Join the Freelancer's Union, maybe.

Use my privilege for good. I do try to do that. My friend N said I could be a "social engineer"... when i asked what that meant, it was explained that me being white and upper middle class meant that I could apply leverage in ways that other folks can't. I don't know how I learn to do that, or if the kinds of situations N was describing even fall under my ethics requirements. But I can research a little on it.

I need to come back to this list. I need to do it soon.

Once upon a time there was a little girl.
This little girl trustingly swallowed, hook, line, and sinker, the cultural meme that having more stuff will make you happier. She was not a happy little girl, and there were many hungers in her life that were never properly satisfied.

She started accumulating and collecting stuff. Meanwhile she was puzzled about why she seemed no happier, because she continued to hear the message that having enough stuff, will make you happy. She continued accumulating stuff.

Of course it wasn't really about the STUFF. It was about the unsatisfied hungers.
But it took her many many years to realize, that if you find out what the shape of the hunger is, and you feed yourself appropriately to satisfy all of your hungers, you don't need your "STUFF" as a pacifyer anymore.

and then you can get rid of the pacifyer.

Struck me rather suddenly today, that animal-taming might make a good metaphor for overcoming personal fears.

Bear with me a moment:

When you begin, the animal (the fearful part of self) is skittish, angry, violent, in pain, unpredictable (add your own adjective here). You don't know what motivates it, you aren't sure how to help at first.

So the first step is to gently build trust. You do gentle things, comforting things, calm, quiet, predictable things. Perhaps you find ways to nourish the fearful animal, as frequently they are hungry. You do this until the fearful animal calms down a little, and you begin to have positive interactions. Perhaps at this point you can start to explore what is causing the fear: is there an old or current injury? Is it a habit of thinking or behaving that can be changed? Perhaps it is something as basic as a self-reinforcing loneliness. (not that THAT is easy to cure necessarily but knowledge of the problem is half the battle to solve it.)

Trust is building, it's an ongoing process. Like Androcles and the Lion, trust itself is often its own reward. If the fear-animal is internal to self, learning to trust the part of yourself that does know better, that does know that fear is a chain that binds you to old ways of living and thinking which no longer serve you and which even hurt or harm you, well. Learning to trust the part of yourself that wants you to be stronger, happier, and more free, and is willing to work for the privilege... that leads you closer to wholeness. Closer to real health.

You have to be brave to work on your fears, work with your fears. You must be gentle in parenting the fearful child within, firm and reliable to train the fearful-animal to strength and reliability within itself. Think of animals that have been poorly trained and how they behave. Think of children that were parented unreliably or who were victims of neglect and abuse. Now, if you have fears that behave like bratty or desperate children, fears that mark their territory like feral cats or piss the floor like (you'll forgive me) my mother's dog, fears that cling to you and don't let you Get Stuff Done?

You may have to start from the beginning. And you may find that no matter how much Work you Do, there is still more to be Done. You may find that even once you are firm, reliable, gentle, loving, and consistent? There will still be days (weeks, months, years) when your inner feral cat or terrified toddler re-emerges and leaves messes all over the landscape.

Guess what?
*sigh*
We are the grown ups now. We are the ones who can choose to take charge, to put those gentle, loving, trust building routines into place. We are the ones who get to build our own internal strength and improve our personal discipline. and to keep ourselves fed so we can Do This Work.

But keep the end goal in mind. Remember the hunchbacked, starving, irritable, cringing, unpredictable, even vicious 'animal' you first knew?

Think of a beautiful, well fed horse running in green fields and coming to eat apple slices from your hand, snuffling warm grass-fed breath into your face. Think of an intelligent, clear eyed dog, attention focused on your face and your hand-commands, waiting eagerly to fetch the ball you just threw, knowing ear-scruffles and praise come after their expected success. Think of a child so funny and smart and upright and trustworthy that your heart aches when you see them achieving their real potential, when you watch them soar high above anything you have ever achieved previously.

That could be you. You can DO THIS.

Stand up straight. Take the first step.

No hobbled horse is joyous. No chained-up starving dog has perked up, laughing ears.

Take the chains off. Be the reliable, loving, gentle friend your inner child needs to grow strong and free.
Love them. Love YOU.

... and if you're already there? Lend a hand with someone else's animal taming.
I haven't met anyone who couldn't use the help.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle..."

TUT... A Note from the Universe

The Universe
to me


Life, what a trip! One minute you're born, the next you die. Then, one day, you stand back and say:

"Aye yai yai! Was that ever believable, or what?! First I thought I was this and then I thought I was that, then I became this and then that. Hold on now, why are you looking at me like that? Wait a minute... OHMYGOSH! There was a pattern! Holy cow! You mean I could have thought anything... and been anything?! But what about limits? How could that be? What do you mean pie in the sky? Dreams come true? Infinite possibilities?"

Fortunately, Elizabeth, there's still time...
The Universe

I have this not-fully-fleshed thought this morning/afternoon/whatever... want to explore it.

we call those who are demonstrably self-centered, who speak and act primarily for and about themselves, who demonstrate a belief that their actions and thoughts impact the world: ARROGANT.

is there a term for people who seem to believe that only OTHER people matter? Edit: in a wildly unrealistic or drastically misplaced humility, only other people's thoughts, actions, beliefs matter? Or is that also ARROGANT and SELF-CENTERED, only in a backwards, skewed, or mirror-universe kind of way?

Recently reflecting on my thoughts around the end of the Drama/Reading teaching job... and I recall at some point believing that I didn't need to tell the (drama) students that I wasn't coming back next year... because they'd have a better Drama teacher next year? I know I was rationalizing. I knew it then.

I know to some degree, I decided not to share because it make it be awkward, difficult to do the job... but there was also a touch of "because I didn't matter"...

On one level, I know I did matter. I had students hug and confide in me; I stayed late and sometimes came early to facilitate the things the students were passionate about, I was learning to be an advocate for them.

and yet, I was convinced that me leaving wouldn't matter to them, to the office, to my department...

was it an intellectual conceit to protect my own feelings or to make the perceived emotional impact of my leaving less?
was it a derelict remainder from my years of low self-esteem?

Five summers ago, I expressed shock and amazement when Jeff (we had just started dating) downloaded both Evanescence albums because I was enthusiastic about them; I had just heard one album in its entirety for the first time.

He held my hand and caught my eyes and said, "You know, you have an IMPACT. What you know, what you like, it makes an impression on people."

That blew me away.

Sat there, flummoxed, (and probably crying), trying to assimilate the concept.

I still am made of fail with regards to incorporating this into my life.
Of course, if what I do (or don't do) doesn't matter, there are all sorts of corollaries.

Like, I don't have to work too hard. No one will care.
a whole other bunch of don't have to's follow, of course, (fill in the blanks yourself, you're imaginative people (see, there I go again))

but those don't have to's get blown away if I have made a commitment to live an ethical lifestyle. For me.

Regardless of the impact I believe I have on the world (which =! my actual impact on the world, I know), if I'm living an ethical life, there's the one undeniable reason to follow up on my promises, to work hard and well, to try hard, to work toward personal growth,
For me.
Because it's the right thing to do.

I joke about being a solipsist. I think I need to examine what parts of that notion are valid and workable and which I need to discard.

and maybe in this regard I'm coming at the question ass backwards, I matter because I'm ethical, but until I finish up a bunch of other healing work I think that is the best, clearest path for me to walk, to arrive at the conclusion that I matter.

After weeks and weeks of waiting...


...my compost is now DIRT.

and now (*insert evil laugh here*), now, I PLANT VEGETABLES, my children!!!

I am hearing good things from my f-list about what people want to accomplish, achieve, or change in this new year.

After reading what noelfigart had to say about planning and goalsetting, though, I realized that my main priorities for this year fall into 5 main categories. Tidy, that.

1) Simplify.
2) Get Stronger.
3) Network.
4) Plan.
5) Practice.

I think I will enjoy exploring/writing about each of those in turn. Or not.

Fairly self explanatory. And I've written reams over the last what- 4 years? I've been on Livejournal?

Simplicity will be good.

Jeff's hands are starting to bother him rather a lot.

We finally have a doctor appt for Monday, but among other things he needs to re-do his workstation at home.

Geek Friends and Family all: Where to get good Geek-desks and Chairs? He's got a flatscreen monitor currently and about 3 different system hardwares that he switches between. Current desk is set up into the corner of the room, and he wants to set up a double-monitor layout that the current desk doesn't allow for.

Edit: He wants an L-shaped desk with vertical storage and a rounded-edge to the physical desktop.

Any suggestions in the greater Bay Area welcome, or online stores that are reputable and have sturdy furniture.

THANKS!!

I'm rereading Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation.
This was a Christmas present from my sister, and the only thing I read during the Christmastime trip to New York to visit my inlaws.
Extensive self-analysis follows...
( Read more... )
Mertuil had a great post a few weeks back... she covered lots on the topic of wanting/not wanting, needing/not needing, the social acceptability of wanting. And then, she made a list of I wants.
Bravissima.
You inspire me...
Not necessarily to make a similar list today, but in recognizing that it is okay to WANT stuff. And that not all the stuff I want is STUFF. Mostly it's not.
I'll say this for my Xpouse - he didn't begrudge me any possessions. I am well provided for, all pots, pans, art, furniture, that I require, I have.
So those spiritual and emotional needs...( Read more... )

It's scary to want things. It's scary to admit to having ideals or crazy obsessions, or to lusting after someone or something.
It's not polite.
It's not what the "good girl" in the back of my head (aka the Critic, in Sark's lexicon) wants to admit to.

Gods bless my friend Anne, ( Read more... )
And you realize that there is virtually no reason why your life can't be a beautiful thing, with loving accomplishments, friends, family, community.

So, even if I'm a "bad girl" (which makes me giggle, actually), and even if I never hook up with a permanent partner or soulmate, my life is worthy.
And even if it's not polite, or pretty, I'm going to enthusiastically go after all those things that feed my soul.
...even if I can't have those things forever... (hell, who said anything lasted forever anyway?)