Be the change you want to see.

My sister in law suffers from something I still fight against, which is hoarding.

She said, "I sort and organize but the actual removal of stuff... is so hard to get my mind around why I have such attachments."

I said, "I can only speak of myself but I had attachments because I had fear. Fear of forgetting, so I kept all the papers commemorating things I went to, movies and shows and concerts I saw. I kept all the birthday cards, even from my childhood, and people I didn't remember anymore, because at one point, someone made the effort to give me a card, and that was meaningful to me then."

I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel safe or secure. I came to an early conclusion (younger than 10) that "stuff was supposed to make you happy" because that's what they said all the time on TV? And back then I thought they weren't allowed to lie to us on TV.

It took me a long time to realize that what I was and what I wanted, was different than what the TV or my family or stories or magazines wanted me to be and want. And to put aside those messages that weren't ME.

I was well past 30, not gonna lie.

I started by reading more about how other people had gotten organized, had purged their clutter.
Clutter's Last Stand.
The Flylady's mailing list and website.
SARK'S concept of "micromovements" to get started.
Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui.

And I realized that thoughts and feelings and attitudes were clutter too, frequently. (*)

Is it useful? Do I love it?

William Morris, the English designer, said, "have nothing in your home which you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."

I try to live by that one.

I don't yell at myself or best myself up anymore. My self chastisement is gentle, infrequent, and frequently full of humor. Blaming myself for the past, or for my mistakes, was a toxic cycle that helped NOTHING. Just bogged me down in misery.

I didn't want to be miserable. I started making different choices.

What I wanted was for things to be simpler, and to be happier. So I worked on those things, like I work on a rosebush. If something's dead, you cut it off. If the branches are too crowded, or the flowers are, you make choices to maximize beauty, health, and growth, and you cut away the rest and discard it.

But sometimes the rosebush isn't flourishing, and it doesn't need to be cut back, cut down. Parts of our life can be like that too. There's a lot of times where there's not ENOUGH to bloom. Not enough water, or sunlight, or fertilizer.

Sometimes you can nurse a rosebush back to health, if you can figure out what is wrong.

Sometimes you can't figure it out, and the bush dies. And then you have to discard it and start over.

But honestly? Sometimes you don't even WANT a 🌹 (rose). Sometimes you don't even know that you didn't want a rose, maybe you wanted a 🌷(tulip) or a daisy. Or an oak tree! Or a tomato bush!

But if you started with a rosebush, or your whole family takes care of roses, maybe you didn't know you could choose something different.

I'm just saying. It's YOUR garden. Nobody else's. You spend all your time in it. You spend your LIFE in it.

It should be, it IS, your choice what you cultivate, what you grow, what you discard or compost.

I know nobody gets to choose how they spend 100% of their time. But that doesn't mean you don't have choices.

You do.

Now I'm going to go do some household chores.
Gonna go weed my "garden". :)

(*) Slightly different techniques are required to ditch/purge/prune ugly, dead, or impedimentary thoughts and feelings.

Kindling:
The moment of eyes meeting
That flash of heat or awareness:
Gorgeous! So alive!
Potential and possibility.

In that moment,
It's not mister or miss right
It's mister or miss RIGHT NOW
Like, damn you smell good
And
What are you doing later?
And
I wish I could taste your sweat
Or
Do you taste as good as you smell?

The heat builds as you slide closer
Hands touching, eyes meeting
Mouths ... Testing? Tasting.

How lovely is that spark of awareness
That tells me of another's loveliness
Of my desire
Of their desire
Of my loveliness to them.

*****

Sidelong glances, flirting in a coffeeshop. Sparks kindled, fueled by a comfortable loveseat and delicious spicy chai. Warmth of your denim-clad knee, a certain tone of voice, a sudden impulse of delight that burst out in my laughter.

Another, immediate, passionate connection. The crowded pub, the musicians jamming traditional tunes. Ridiculous flirting beneath your lowered lashes as your bold words surprise me, again I burst out in laughter. I dared to flirt back, I kissed your cheek, asked you to dance. That spark flamed so bright and beautifully!

Some fires are slow to catch, and burn unexpectedly. With you, it wasn't the first glance, or the fifth. Perhaps it was the twentieth or even fiftieth, but I was suddenly caught in your eyes, drowning in desire. Wanted to touch, kiss, taste, nibble, hear incoherent noises from your throat.

Some fires sputter, move from warm coals to flame and back again. There's days where all I need is the smell of your hair and your soft body cuddled up to mine, or a cup of tea in your kitchen. But there's days I want to growl and plunder your mouth, take your clothes off with my teeth, drag my fingers over your sweet skin.

*****

Passion, fire, sparks, ignition.
Connection and lust and affection and humor.

It's not the kindling that's most important, though it's the most exciting part of firestarting. The most important part is how you feed and care for the fire.

Some fires you only need, only want, for a moment: strike a match. Some fires you want to keep you warm a long time, and those require more planning, more care, more tending.

Strike your spark, kindle your flames, and meditate.

Do you need a flash of light?
Do you need to feel the burning, do you need to be consumed?
Or do you need a lot of long, slow, warm coals?

Bear what you want, what you need, in mind.

Now select the appropriate kindling for your fire.


This has been my week 19 entry for therealljidol. I'm pretty sure anyone can guess the prompt this week was "kindling."
Please feel free to enjoy the work of my skilled colleagues HERE and to vote for me in the poll that's coming up Tuesday.

I need to apologize in advance, but since I'm going off the grid this week, I can't guarantee responses to comments. Nor can I really guarantee I'll get to read even the therealljidol entries on my friends list, much less everyone's entries.

I want to wish everyone the best of luck this week, while I go off to the desert and try to kindle some new fires of my own. =)

Can't remember if I've shared this story here.

I have this way I think about the emotional damage we accumulate during our life. A couple of friends have found it useful, perhaps you will as well.

Imagine a young fruit tree, indeed, a sapling.

The wind blows, and shakes it about, and if it survives, its roots grow stronger. If it gets enough water and sunlight, and planted in the right kind of dirt, it will thrive, grow strong, flower, and bear fruit. Correct?

What about manure? Indeed, what ABOUT bullshit?

Well, a little bullshit helps the tree to grow. But a lot? Too much? The tree burns. The tree suffocates.

On our personal tree farms, if a healthy balance is, we tolerate only a little bullshit.

The problem is sometimes before we are old enough or experienced enough to know better, someone else comes and shits all over us.

Sometimes it's overwhelming, and the tree won't grow right, due to all the shit that's heaped up.
Thing is, after just a little thinking, you come to realize that them what did the shitting are never coming back to clean it up.

You dig?

Well.
Actually, digging is the point.

We all get overwhelmed. We all get to feeling like we're being buried in crap someone else dumped on us.
Thing is?

Get your shovel, and start digging. Some of that shit may be top notch fertilizer. Some of it's surely garbage. But you got to get out of the pile, and you got to be the one who starts digging. If your arms aren't free, holler for help, and make sure to keep the shovel someone brings you.

Cos you've got to dig. Nobody's job but yours to move that crap. It's not fair to ask the world to do it for you. Maybe /with/ you, maybe you both work together on both y'all's piles... but you've got to move the bullshit that smothers you.

And once you're mostly out?
THEN you've got to learn where the crap has been coming from? And then you've got to learn how to stop the ongoing deliveries, if you have not done so already.

...here's a shovel.
*hefts her own shovel*

Your pile or mine, sweetheart?

Am currently developing a theory wrt pain (or at the least discomfort) and me learning something new.

The educational term is Cognitive Disequilibrium. That means your brain gets all shaken up when you encounter a new concept or paradigm that you didn't have room for in your prior worldview, and so you need to move everything around a bit to make room for the new (assuming true) thing you have learned or are learning. It's a bit like that trick to suitcase packing, where an already-full suitcase (or especially duffel) can be made to accommodate more stuff by jouncing it on the floor a little, so the existing stuff settles down, packed tighter, and there is then a bit of room at the top of your bag to add something else.
And of course the Extreme Version of Cognitive Disequilibrium would be, the Unpack-Everything-Add-the-New-Thing,-Repack-everything-Up-Again mode of repacking.

I think I've been doing some of that Extreme Version, myself, along with some of the more convenient version... hmmm.

Many people aren't, it seems, even willing to jounce their duffel-o-self a bit to make room for the more-stuff, or to reprioritize their packing lists and omit items that are less useful on further examination. Many people are probably pretty content to pack like they have always packed, assuming they have what they need to meet their needs for the next trip or emergency...

But I'm finding that I want and need some very different things now. When I used to pack my Travelling Bag and my Emergency Bag, I used to include a lot of things my Mom and Dad always included. For example, mom likes to have a shower cap. Dad had diabetes meds. I also used to overpack... "What if I want to wear THAT? and _that_?" I might say. So I would schlep a lot of extra stuff around with me, on the off chance that I or someone else would want or need that particular stuff.

You know what though? I can count on the fingers of ONE HAND the times that someone wanted one of those extra things I packed. Including me wanting to wear THAT or _that_... Life is a lot easier when I decide to pack light, when I rewrite the old packing lists.

Now rethinking The Way We've Always Done Things, well, that's a bit of work. And it's not always comfortable, either. You have to ask Why Have We Always packed the shower cap, and since I'm not diabetic and Dad's dead now, Why are diabetes meds still on the Packing List? Also, realizing, that Later When I Come Home I can Wear THAT, or _that_, and I sure don't need that, which is My Personal Unnecessary Thing I Always Have Brought On Trips, and admit to being embarrassed about the fact that you are only just now admitting that you don't need it, and whyever did it take so long to Figure That Out?

Translate that to my Physical realm and add the element of Will.
Yes, you have to hurt yourself a little, every day, to avoid Harm. That means, work the muscle that's cramping, to the point of discomfort. Bend and stretch even when the joints are creaking and the other muscles complain. You wanna be strong? Re-examine how much damn time you're spending killing time on the Internet and figure out how to make a comfortable space to do your back PT exercises in the house. And then do some yoga or bellydance, and then, seriously, you can use your Power of teh Internets to GO FIND A CLASS because you know that is how you learn best, when forced to be accountable to other people in a class (and particularly to be accountable to the Teacher, if I respect him/her...)

it is gonna hurt, at least a little, to climb back up this rock. And I won't climb in the same way as I did when I was 25 and took for granted that rock climbing was easy. It's also a totally different rock... the river's washed me downstream a significant bit. *grin* (Yes, I like metaphors and parenthetical statements, why do you ask?) I've got some new tools and, as mentioned above, have lightened my carry-load considerably; my muscles are weaker than they once were, but I know that with steady effort I can make them and me, stronger. (Literal AND figurative, here.)

Emotional Disequilibrium
Thing about Emotional Disequilibrium is that you cannot tolerate very much of it and still learn effectively (witness kids' grades dropping with parents fighting, bullying in the classroom, illness of whatever kind, etc etc etc.) However, often the process of Cognitive Disequilibrium PRODUCES Emotional Disequilibrium ... (duh) ... being uncomfortable while having to learn something new, having to admit that You Don't Know Everything, that you can be Surprised, you can be Unprepared... *gasp* quelle horror! in our culture it is often preferable to lie about what you know/don't know than to admit any kind of ignorance and willingness to be educated... We often will take hit points IN our ignorance Because we are Unwilling to admit to our ignorance... (witness most folks initial sexual experiences... and oh yeah my own *regret*)

But Emotional Disequilibrium can, when managed carefully, be the source of Learning, also. It's not MetaCognition, to think about your feelings and whence they came and what your triggers and patterns are, but it's damn effective even if I don't have a nice jargony name for it... I've been referring to it as Pathwork, healing work, Family of Origin work, Clutter-clearing, Reconstruction, and Shadow work. There's probably as many names as there are people doing the Work.

Many call it Recovery. For me, Reconstruction is a better metaphor.

ReDesigning. ReDrafting. ReWriting. Keep feeding yourself and caring for your own needs and making sure you are warm and dry and loved... as much as is possible in a chaotic world, and that you help others to be fed and warm and dry and loved... and you can probably lighten YOUR load, and help others lighten THEIRS.

Feeling useful and loved and secure in the world, yeah, that's the path to recovery/reconstruction/health.

The Path to Peace.