My heart hurts.

[labelleizzy]

I've just realized today that I have never made enough time to grieve My America. I've spent so much time pushing back against This Is Not Normal and reaching for the Better Angels Of Our Natures ... It's a kind of denial, isn't it? And I hide in fanfiction, both writing and reading, when my heart hurts...
And I will let myself have today. Two years ago today, I was feeling safe, and safe in my California bubble. I was convinced that gradually I would be able to help more of my friends and community who felt unsafe, into a better life.
And then the coup was successful. Coup is definitely the correct word, an Illegitimate government seized power. Immediately, even before the inauguration, they started smashing, dismantling, and poking holes in the social safety net and the mechanisms of civil society.
Today I grieve My America. I'll allow myself the time. And then I'll get back to work throwing new ropes at the edges of the safety net those bastards keep slashing at. And then I'll get back to slapping duct tape on the ragged cushion below the safety net. And then I'll get back to learning how to throw sand and sabots into the gears trying to chew up what Jesus called The Least Of These (I'm not christian, I'm paraphrasing)
I will do what I can do. Here. To grow the New America, to fight to protect and provide for those under attack.
"to ease pain and encourage growth", thank you @dduane for the concept.
My gods won't let me do less than that. My INTEGRITY won't let me do less than that.
I love you. Remember that. Keep fighting, and let's all take care of each other.

Comments

[cjsmith]

A tip of the hat to you and a respectful offer for an internet hug. I too have not made time to grieve, and I probably should, for my own health... so that I can then ease pain and encourage growth too.

[labelleizzy]

Thanks, bud. Offered hugs are much more welcome. *Respectful hug back*

And yeahhhh it's the eat the macaroni and cheese kind of day, lump in my throat and all kind of day. (I just wanna EAT good food I don't wanna MAKE it, you feel me?)

I let myself cry pretty often lately. Yet another bonus for working from home.
*\o/*
But I don't judge myself for doing that anymore. I feel better when I let myself do it.

[cjsmith]

Ooo. I dunno how close we are physically, but I do know that some days I get that "wanna eat good food but not make it" mood, and other days I get the "wanna put something together but I'm not actually hungry" mood, and now I'm thinking people in the same zip code who get both of those moods from time to time could coordinate.

Anyhow, side point. I'm glad you don't judge yourself for crying any more. I still do, a bit, probably a holdover from the whole "male is the best way to be" concept. (Doesn't help I'm dating someone who never cries, ever, like even if someone dies.) Good on you. May your inner strength be sufficient to your tasks.

[labelleizzy]

Um. That food thing.
I just offered to do something like that for Rin, who's in Santa Clara. I'm in MV.
Gonna make extra food and freeze a largeish portion till the next time I see them.

So, I might be down for mealswapping. (Hey look I made a word!)

[cjsmith]

Ooo nifty! I'm in Sunnyvale. I happen to have some scrumptious chicken thighs "Provencale" I could get to ya this evening if you're still feeling moo. (NB: I do not cook often, so I wouldn't often be able to hold up my end of this, but randomly I happen to have something.) Dietary restrictions?

[labelleizzy]

I'm very omnivorous. I have a few texture things, and I strongly dislike marjoram when used heavily.

*Blink* yeah, you wanna come over? I'll trade you a serving of the pork curry I made on Tues.

Text me at nine sixteen, 3 ninetyseven, forty-five fifteen if you can get here before 6:30? I have dance class starts 7:15 & I can't be late.

[cjsmith]

Wow, obviously I didn't see this in time! Tomorrow some time? My "weekend" is th-fr and I am flexible on time.

Four oh eight, three ninety, 87 fifty six here.

[tjoel2]

I've never been really political and really try to stay out of it all, for the most part.

[labelleizzy]

I hope that works out well for you.

I have one friend who asked for a transfer overseas because she's a history student, like I am, and she's Trans. She works for the same tech company Spouse does... But she felt extremely unsafe.

Spouse is an immigrant but white and Canadian and cis.

Friends and their loved ones are currently being targeted, for their immigration status, for their gender or sexuality. In CALIFORNIA. In the Bay Area.

Please. If you do nothing else. Read up on your ballot, and vote on November 6th. I trust you to vote ethically.

Please do at least that. <3

[tjoel2]

Oh, I always vote and read all of the stuff that comes in the mail with that. I also actually have a child who identifies as transgender. I just tend to stay out of political conversations, case in point was this comment, which I probably shouldn't have made.

[labelleizzy]

I'm sorry that I misunderstood what you intended to say. I'm kinda on a hair trigger today.

I'm glad to hear that you do "exercise your franchise" & if you do want to talk about things that I post on I'll make a real effort to allow space for you to talk in anyway you're comfortable with.