Be the change you want to see.

My friend Mo said:

This is a Getting Older Appreciation post. What's the best thing you've found about getting older?

(positive answers only!)


My reply: I know how the world works. I know how my body works, and can fix an awful lot myself when something goes wrong. Also I don't panic anymore when something goes wrong. I panic less in general these days because I trust myself more, and trust my coping and improvisation skills.

hard to believe/grasp that I literally turn 50 in a week. one week. damn.

had dinner with Jeff and a batch of his coworkers last night. younger men mostly white.

I didn't feel weird or weak or like I had to cede space or placate them or make them happy.
(just because they were men, or jeff;s coworkers or whichever.)

partly it makes me angry to realize that these are all things I have done frequently, and for much of my life.

partly I'm glad that I'm just now, HERE, where I don't do those things anymore.

it's not a "claiming" my power. it's more an erosion of all the calcifications and accretions I acquired over my first few decades (heh i get to phrase things like that now). By careful applications of self examination, therapy, ritual, other modes of learning, my life has dissolved that load on the power lines, removed the interference with my access to the power I have always had, but couldn't always reach and use. this feels like one of the better metaphors I've come up with about this whole "being human and healing my shit" business.

i'm a person. Period.

Today's workout was a check-in day to start with. Did a weigh in, body fat percent check. Both are down, weight and body fat. That's because now I have some muscle to work with.

*nodding* YEEEEAH. *flex*

Lots of dynamic-stability work today. Squats into biceps curls, inverted rowing (where you let your body plank backwards and row up using handles suspended from the structure above you), backward lunges into knee-up and twist at the waist. Wow. A lateral leaping from side to side that makes me feel like an Olympic speed-skater. Jogging in place by hop-touching my toes to one of the lower boxes (or sometimes the Bosu half-ball)

Rats. I wish that I listed all my exercises every time I worked out. I know how to DO quite a few exercises, but I'm not necessarily going to remember them in a useful sequence when I go to do them for myself.

Well, doing something is a damn sight better than doing nothing.

Oh! and today, Tal actually had me RUN. 4.0 mph on the treadmill. We did intervals: it was something like 4 minutes of walking to get up to 3.5 mph fast walk, then kicked it over and started to jog for one minute, walk one minute, jog, walk, jog, and then walk to cool down, making note of heart rate both on the way building up to running, and during the cool-down.

But RUNNING! *SQUEE*

And now I have two homeworks.

One is to write up my food intake like I've been supposed to for like three months.
Two is to do that jog-walk interval training at least three times a week for the next three weeks. (and probably beyond that.)

Here is the progress-check since I started to seriously work out again last April (with Tal).

Surgery knee: stable, and up for all kinds of walking, dancing, even slipping and falling. Also up for running and full strength lateral movement. *thumbs up*
Back: Strong, though I do want to work more on the limberness/flexibility. Hurts a lot less than it used to, bends a lot easier than it used to, and I am more interested in moving in new ways.
Arms/Shoulders: Stronger and more flexible, have some muscle definition. My shoulders, more than any other body part, resent it and protest loudly with crunchy discomfort when I do not get enough work out time in. Interesting.
Feet: Have had little to no pain in the foot since I went for four sessions with Dr. Larry, the chiropractor who is also a member at my gym. The main adjustment at the sacro-iliac joint is something I can reproduce in a different, slower/more gradual way, on my own with a particular twisting stretch (the one my brother Scott called the "shortstop stretch") that makes my back make the most UNEARTHLY noises but it feels so much BETTER when I am done.
Neck/head tension: Notably decreased. Head rotation is natural and smooth (unlike some other times in my life), the airline-cable muscles have softened and are more flexible and amenable to stretching, and I can actually get traction on the times I feel like massaging my neck (unlike some other times in my life).

+*+*+*+*+*+*

The JCC that includes my gym, is having a Happy New Year! Post your fitness resolutions on the wall!

They advised being very specific, because you could win a prize, like having the gym pay your registration for a race you said you wanted to finish.

I was very specific.
I want to be able to do headstands and handstands, with good core strength and control, and SLOWLY.

On the back of the card we are supposed to say WHY we have this goal.
I said something about I loved headstands when I was a kid, but never had the strength or courage to work up to doing cartwheels; I'm stronger now than I was then, and more intentionally building that strength.

And then I said that someday I want to teach yoga.
I didn't consciously realize that is something I want, till I wrote it on the card.

So the goal manifested, in part because I have an intention of working with two girlfriends' less-flexible spouses, because they need some yoga, and I need to be teaching so I can remember that teaching itself doesn't suck. Other stuff AROUND teaching sucks, but teaching does not.

Teaching yoga wouldn't suck. I could do that. I want to do that.

my journal, imma be just a little snarky.

 

you know the stereotype that goes "oh, she was so lovely... until she opened her mouth and started speaking"...?
oh, that happens with men too.

 

*moue*

 

but I go to this particular dance partly for the exercise, and partly to be around people, and partly to dare myself to continue with a practice that can be uncomfortable and challenging. that includes me or others saying a dumb thing, pushing too hard to do something, being disappointed in some kind of expectations, etc.

 

it was a good dance. only my second time ever dancing with very energetic Russian boy, second time ever with J who is lovely but presents as shy, and second time with A, who is very very tall, high energy, and very silly. I enjoyed those, very much, as well as lots of momentary people contacts throughout the evening, and my own solo dancing.

 

oh! and I rode my bike there and back, despite having access to car. Convinced myself that I could tag out when the weather is gray, wet, cold, and miserable on a Monday, but I will try using the bicycle to get to dance on Mondays and Wednesday noon gym workouts, at the least.

 

I felt really strong coming home tonight.
it felt really good.

I thought I had a lump in my breast.
Yes, THAT kind of lump.
Turns out I was wrong
thank GODS I was wrong

 

I didn't let myself have time to react today, to release, to let go of the holding-on I've been doing ever since I first suspected, something like two months ago...

 

and just finished a HARD workout with Tal... I told her about my appointment and my worries from today, and that I wanted to "sweat out all the stress"... she said, with a grin, "we can DO that!"

 

and we did.
hells, halfway through, she even made me RUN, like seriously RUN THROUGH THE GYM and around the other people working out, in a loop around the two guys playing basketball, who looked honest to goodness surprised to see this two-and-a-quarter hundred-pound chick pelting after her zippy little 98 pound trainer...

 

but I kept up. *grin*
Tal *gets* without me saying it that I get all locked up in my head (most of my life) and deep in my bones when we work out... and she pulls out something crazy like this, and it pops me back out into reality.

 

so, okay, once I stretched out and cooled down, I did wind up in the locker room ambushed by sobs for about a second.

 

like omg I dodged a bullet there kind of thing

 

like what am I doing with my life

 

just this enormous almost panic attack... can you have a "relief attack?"

 

shuddering, head on the bench, hunkered down, my face in the shirt I'm about to put on...

 

I'm outside now, baking in the car because I needed to write this down.

 

the value of being IN the body cannot be measured, and yet I usually take it for granted.

 

being in the Body fixes some things that the Mind creates.

 

I want to remember that.

first meeting with a fitness trainer today.

 

her name is Tal, she's Israeli, and she has a good way about her.

 

she is *also* a dancer, and I love that she gets that part of me.

 

*philosophically *
she is TOTALLY going to kick my ass.
My ass needs it, my muscle tone and core strength are nowhere near where I need them to be, never mind my cardio fitness.

 

but though I know she was totally going easy on the fat chick, we both understand there needs to be a balance between pushing to improve my conditioning, and keeping it fun.

 

I got stuff to DO! time for the machine to get tuned the hell UP.

Aww yeah baby.

Gym today was SPECTACULAR.
And not just because my right hip and leg desperately needed the workout. I started with the adductor and abductor machines at 50#, ten pounds down from my usual, just to try and give those complaining muscles some immediate love. That was a good thing. Then a wee bit of stretching before moving on to cardio...

There was a fun new machine, which is kind of like the love-child of an elliptical trainer and stationary bike, that was just too damn much fun, it goes REALLY REALLY FAST which is something I hardly ever do, but it didn't have a lot of resistance, so it wasn't HARD exactly. It was just hella SILLY. I was grinning like a loon (as they say.) 17 minutes was "ten laps" for whatever value of laps this machine uses. It worked upper and lower body, so I just did a little light work with the hamstring machine (because my hamstring was part of the OMG YOU'RE NEGLECTING US!! brigade) and then a little flexibility work for shoulders and core, and THEN I got on the bosu-ball, it's a balance ball, with like half an exercise-ball topped by a flat platform; you stand on the platform and it's OMG-hard. I did good stuff there, bent knees and straight, holding my core muscles, until I was making with the wobbly-knees only it wasn't my *knees*, I'm not sure what was wobbling but all of me was wobbling, and then I hopped off. I felt the muscles in the bottoms of my FEET being tired. Wow. That would explain the recent bout of foot-cramps I've been having this last few days when I haven't been working out... Okay!

Ok, now, now, is my favorite part, my most bragging part. =D
I went into the foyer, which has become kind of my default stretching and yoga-work place at the end of a workout. Got a mat, and went from Cobra to Child's pose and back a few times to limber my spine, kicking my right hip out in Crescent Moon to stretch the hip muscles (still sore, I need to get up and move again once I finish this post) ... Up-dog, Down-dog. Rolling my pelvis around on the mat to massage my lower back, I kicked my legs out and rolled up to my feet. This made me remember how much I liked rolling from Boat forward and back... and then I started to roll and kick my feet up, back toward my head, and then I almost made a shoulder stand, and then I DID make a shoulder stand. =D =D =D

And then I had to do it twice more to make sure I had really done it. I did! I did make a shoulder stand!!
This FAT CHICK did a shoulder stand! This OLD BROAD did a shoulder stand! THREE OF THEM!!

So. Much. FUN!!

And then to cap off my triumph, I got the foam core roller and pounded on my IT band and the sore hip and butt muscles, and then I rolled my SPINE, which I always forget how it hurts so, so very good. And makes me feel like I'm at least an inch taller.

Now, now my ducklings, I must go have something to eat, and some more water, and figure out What's For Dinner, because I inspired Jeff to go for a bike ride on the New Bike (which is hella nifty machine, let me tell you) and I plan to reward him by having something delicious ready when he comes home. I think scallops on linguine will do nicely.

Dance music and cooking, ahoy!