my body, my self? (#94/100)

[labelleizzy]

Is your body YOU?
Is it all of you, part of you?
Does your body carry "you" around?
Is your body different from "you"?

I had a knee injury for fifteen years. As of November, that's 1/3 of my life. I had ACL replacement surgery 2.5 years ago.
And I've now been doing prehab, rehab, and working with a trainer for three years.

When do I get used to THIS body? This body is tons stronger and more flexible. This body can Do Stuff I wasn't able to do before. In this body my feet stay parallel instead of duck-footing to try and keep the knee stable. This body can balance on one leg to put a sock on, and hold a high plank position for almost a full minute, and roll out of bed without effort or pain. So many changes.

I keep getting shocked by this body... In good ways, true, and I know intellectually that I've worked hard to get here. But my gut, my feelings, keep expecting ... Like that this is too good to be true? Like somehow, without warning, I will automagically return to pain, and weakness, and brokenness.

Why can't I believe that my body has become strong? Why is it so hard to use that word to describe myself?

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Comments

[magenta-girl.livejournal.com]

I have body/mind dichotomy. I don't perceive my body as who I am, and I think that gets me into trouble with getting myself healthy. I would have thought that pregnancy would have made me more in touch with myself but it hasn't.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

When I was growing up, my parents valued my mind, much more than my body. I wasn't pressured to "be pretty", but they never told me I WAS pretty, either. Or much else in the way of compliments or encouragement.

Ugh.

[naurwen.livejournal.com]

funny, just tonight we talked about something similar... there it was about body image and how when you lose weight you seem to still think of you in your *old* way and that it's so difficult to get yourself to remember that no, actually you've lost weight.
it wasn't about looks only, but the whole thing.
it's as if the brain doesn't catch up with it. I don't really know why this is. at times it's pretty annoying.
so... it was interesting to read this from your point of view where it's about strength and health.
maybe we need to put up post its at home reminding us.. or something

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's just as simple as Brain Has Inertia Also.

That it takes energy and effort to move Brain from State One (viewing self using old descriptors) to State Two (viewing self using new, updated, more accurate descriptors.)

My problem is that my heart ... seems to be the sticking place. My mind is doing okay with the New Vector of moving more and strongly, and eating differently and somewhat less...

But I'm struggling with using the word "strong" to describe myself, similarly to how I struggled for a long time to refer to myself as "woman" instead of "girl". And there's tinges of regret and shame wrapped around both changes.

I think I need to hang out with some powerful, physically strong, ballsy broads in their 40's and 50's so I can build a baseline expectation for what getting older can look like.

Besides, that'd be FUN.

[naurwen.livejournal.com]

yes, I guess it's something like a connection of body - mind - and in the end also heart that neads to do a transition from state one to state two. consciously. there's an idea!

I found that words can be a funny thing, the most usual and pretty much innocent word can cause one a "problem" and be something one can't use or feels isn't valid for oneself because we connect it with something that happened, or we've been told so many times that we're not whatever that word describes that on a subconscious level there's always the *nooooo, you can't use that for yourself*.
Most simple example nowadays probably being *pretty* or *beautiful*, or also stuff like *intelligent* and so on... because so many other things put people in a certain drawer (that's a saying in German, not sure about English) that at the same time they seem to make other things invalid. Lots of cliché stuff there, but other as well.

Heh, that sounds like a plan! ;D

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Yes. Needs practice, to apply these words I'm not used to using, on myself.

I can cop to pretty most days and gorgeous when I'm really happy and dressed cutely with good hair. Heh.

Here, I'm just gonna say it.
I'm strong.
I've got muscles.
I can do lots of physical stuff.
I am a strong woman, mentally, emotionally, physically.

Wasn't as hard as I thought... but I still need practice!

[naurwen.livejournal.com]

And it was well said! :D
Practice will be the key... practice daily :D

[daphnep.livejournal.com]

A yoga teacher once used an analogy I have loved ever since: my body is the vehicle my soul gets to drive around, for this particular lifetime.

I'm so glad you're enjoying revving yours a bit.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

*vroom, vroom!*

(i just got invited to a sex party and I think I'm gonna say yes!)

[anwyn-elfmaiden.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I take my body for granted, and than I curse when it is not working like I want, and in case I want to heal and improve I cannot blame it nor me, and I need to imagine how it shall be....

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I started out by hearing myself say shitty things TO myself, and then decided I didn't wanna talk to my Life Partner like that!

=)

So I started to change my habits and what I looked at and how I looked at myself and spoke about myself, and stopped letting friends abuse themselves in front of me, either.
"Hey, I don't let ANYONE talk about my friends like that!" and you raise an eyebrow at them while making eye contact.

It's important to give your body and your SELF enough respect that you can live your life freely, without pounds and pounds of added guilt, shame, regret. Nobody got time for that!

[anwyn-elfmaiden.livejournal.com]

That is true, and this is one of my latest lessons, too. :)