So we're coming out of shelter in place.

[labelleizzy]

I sort of feel like shelter in place was reasonably good to me. The downside is I guess, that I got even smaller, socially and emotionally and mentally. I only got a little bit larger physically! Smile.

My brain's a little fluffy tonight. Hard to keep track of my thoughts. Tonight I'm in some mild pain. Brain is spiraling into old tracks, and old and old insecurities. Knowing that their old tapes, makes it somewhat easier to try to set them aside but also because they are old messages, that have never been fully refuted, they just sort of sit there like rocks in a field. Getting in the way.

I know that I've experienced this many times before. I know that I've gone through transitions in my life many times before, where I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, or perhaps more precisely, who I'm going to be.

How do you find the right questions? How can I possibly know. I guess I can't. I can't know where I'm going. I can figure out what I want, I can figure out what I need, and I can try to make sure that I have those things.

I can work on ways to break the spiral, when I fall into the old patterns. New adventures will break the old patterns!

But I do have business with Jeff. He's so immersed in his intellectual life, and yes, the opening up of his social life too, that he doesn't hear or notice my bids for attention and conversation. (That predates the opening of shelter in place significantly though. It's an old problem).

He's not replaceable. You know? Even if I'm getting plenty of joyful enthusiastic company from folks who are literally delighted to see me, I'd still miss him. And I'm living with him. It's weird and uncomfortable and like tiny stabs of regret and grief every time he doesn't hear me.

And I'm the one who got the hearing aids. Sigh.

I neither mean nor want to be petty. I love him, and I need something from him that he hasn't been bringing to the table.

I don't know how to get him to see me In the way I need.

Maybe I need to re-up with my therapist.

Comments

[serendipity17]

Would your therapist have the toolset to help you find the words in a assertively-confrontational-but-not-cruel phrasing? Therapy good. Fix this with spouse before it becomes resentment.

Is he legit retired-for-good? or is this a phase and he'll go back eventually?

[labelleizzy]

Thanks for the reminder. I texted my therapist this morning about booking a session.

And retirement as of now, is until further notice, but I don't think he's completely ruled out doing *something* at a future date. He's enjoying making things he wants to make, on his own timeline, with nobody else's agenda.

[tshuma]

I swear I wrote a long response to this this morning and I am sad it is not here. Will need to figure out which browser I started it on…..

In the meantime, all the hugs.