which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.
but I posted to Facebook,
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.
and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?
I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).
After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.
(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)
and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.
Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)
I did good self care.
I can be proud of myself.
Then in two weeks I get to go to Kauai for a week with Jeff, Luci, Janise, xtyn and her Brian. Suddenly May is crazy of travel and sleeping away.
as I need to breakfast and then hit the gym
it's uncomfortable to admit the difference between what I thought I was doing and what I was actually doing.
what I was trying to do and what my brain basically had me HAVE to do.
I'll be dropping bits here as I continue to read the adhd book from the library. But one thing I learned today is that the kinds of self-talk I've been slowly training myself out of? have NAMES. Like, you can categorize them into disasterizing, binary thinking... I wish I had the book here, I'll have to edit this later.
I'm kind of in the grief stage. Realizing how different things might have been if adhd in girls was something that they knew about when I was still in primary school or high school. But in the 80's, they had only just begun to recognize add/adhd as a thing.
it wasn't. It didn't. They didn't. I didn't.
it's so damn hard to see the back of your own head.
Not like all my work towards self knowledge is wasted, it's the foundation of the work I'm going to continue doing.
AND I think I may have helped my niece, who is my beloved magpie girl. She's showing all the signs and more of my own distraction, difficulty scheduling, keeping on task, good intentions and poor execution. Pile of failing progress report grades on recent reports from school, her parents are going YIKES
so I told my sister I'd been recently diagnosed with adhd and what I remembered from high school sounded like how I've observed my magpie girl when we've gotten to hang out. That her academic results, same=same. I just covered better, I think.
so my sister and my brother in law are looking into testing for my niece.
it's like, I'm over here Feeling All The Things about my own wasted opportunities but maybe? maybe Ainslee can be spared a lot of what I suffered through, all the shitty self-talk and self-blame.
so I'm feeling optimistic, and I have several courses of action laid out for me to follow, and that feels good.
I was thinking earlier today about jobs I've held, and my favorite job. And why it was my favorite job, and I wanted to break it down a little, in hopes of reproducing the conditions someday. In part or in whole.
this is the job I held for eight years and a bit.
it's the reason why every smartphone I've ever owned had "librarianing" added to the spellchecker.
I used to be a junior high school librarian.
I just wanna list the things that I loved about that job, because there's a lot of things I loved about it.
- It had a regular daily schedule with rhythmic breaks in it.
- ...but I got to choose my daily tasks, and when to do them.
- High responsibility, low supervision, I got to determine when something was done.
- some built in regular deadlines occurred weekly (overdue notices compiled and sent out)
- some deadlines quarterly (grades for Library TA's), or at other calendar dates (budget deadlines, book ordering, etc)
- Lots of time with people, specific agenda of helping people (students and staff both)
- lots of time alone to do one on one tasks (repair, budget work, tidying)
- Teaching. computers, dewey decimal, how to process books for circulation, some basic book repair, how to circulate books, how to pull records for books that were overdue, how to research, how to use the card catalog, how to find books you wanted... so many teaching opportunities, all in small groups, and NO GRADING.
- I could take pee breaks as needed. That's a fucking luxurious situation to consider after teaching full time in a public school. I swear to god you can't get five minutes to pee, because it takes you 3-5 minutes to just walk to the other end of the school where the faculty bathroom is, and god help you if you're on your period or have to poop. it's *exhale* inhumane. actually.
- Professional development funding.
- Networking with the other librarians in the school district on a monthly basis.
- Training to be a union site rep and shop steward, learning the history of unions in the USA
- generally speaking, high interest high novelty work, high number of positive social contacts with students and staff. Decent respect from peers and students. Increasing responsibility the longer I was in the position.
There's more of course. Some damn wonderful people really made the difference for me in that job. They got me through the first six months after my dad died, with challenging, interesting work, taking care of tweenagers, teaching and helping and finding and fixing, sorting and throwing out and organizing and tidying. Always something that needed doing. Always something that MATTERED that needed doing.
It's still MY library. In my heart it's still mine.
I miss it. Actually.
so I mean I want another job with some more of what that job had, without the soul deadening paperwork and jumping through hoops that teaching in the public school required.
And really I want more of that in my life. I've been trying to find that, build that myself, but it's just been so crazy challenging on my own. I miss the community, the sense of rightness and purpose, the ability to HELP SO MUCH AND SO OFTEN SO MANY PEOPLE. I was proud of my work there. It was crazy and sometimes boring and wonderful and the kids were always so amazing and my co workers were always weird, wonderful, dedicated, amazing.
I have more on this but this is a good starting place.
I'll go make myself some dinner and dig into my homework reading pretty hard once I've eaten, take some notes to be ready for tomorrow.
I know my issues aren't the same as your issues, so keep any recs that sound interesting and toss the rest. And thank you for asking, I'm keeping this list to share with my therapist.
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)
had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.
for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.
Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.
you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.
It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.
I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.
I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.
I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.
I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.
One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.
(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)
gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
Righteousness won't save you like knowing how to keep your guard up, and block or take a strike.
Second pro tip: pick your battles. Think effective, long term strategy, not just reacting like a mindless animal and accomplishing nothing much except for getting an arrest record. What is your end game? What effect will this ultimately have on the world? What will actually help accomplish your goals, rather than just temporarily making you feel less helpless and more vindicated?
Learning to fight takes years of hard work, though.
So does learning how to effectively change the world, and then putting in all the effort to really do so.
Prey animals react.
Apex predators? They practice, they learn, they plan, they think.
So much better.
Now I want to have a day doing physical things.
Mom called me a couple of minutes ago. I hadn't truthfully been thinking about it, or him, today...
I have such a good life now. This makes the ... No... TENTH anniversary. Shit. Shit.
I loved him but it feels like I barely knew him.
I don't know what to do with this right now, now it's brought to the surface. I'mma go be productive.
Recently diagnosed with ADHD and I don’t know what to do about it. Feels like I’ve been breaking any good things in my life, my whole life.
Only thing to give me peace tonight (this morning) is realizing that I am allowed to ask for help. I have two or three points of contact who may prove helpful. My therapist is one.
Depression sucks. ADHD sucks. Unemployment sucks. I have really good things in my life and I know it, intellectually, but I can’t keep them in focus right now.
I’m going to ask for help. Because I said I would.
This post is how I’m gonna keep myself accountable. Xposting to dreamwidth.
If you struggle with depression, ADHD, lack of purpose, lack of self worth, I’d like to hear from you.
adhd actually adhd depression low self worth low self confidence bad night help request because i said i would accountability gdi brain of course that's a tag
Apr 9th, 2017
And I just learned so much about myself, because instead of writing only for myself, I had an audience for the first time. People who read what I had to say, responded, gave advice and comfort. People who became friends though we've never met face to face. People who made me think, cry, empathize.
Not happy about it but I know I'll delete my LJ eventually. For now I've locked down my previously public posts and I'll see what happens next.
"I know that you had a range of possible choices about how to react in this situation. I'm not sure I understand why you felt it necessary to react in the way you chose to. Nor am I sure about what the end result is you want after your declared choices."
I'm so glad I can afford this investment in my health. I'm so damn glad.
Tonight with the dark of the moon, I release... “fear” “worry” “my pain” “grief” “obstacles” are all examples of the sort of thing I want to encourage. Keep it simple kids, and we can all have a go. Write a paragraph and I’ll select one word out of it, which might not be the word you actually want me to get witchy on.
Community Service Witch is _IN_
I can be a special kinda stupid. I can look willfully ignorant and inconsiderate. Perhaps I am actually stupid, willfully ignorant, and/or inconsiderate.
That is not my intention. I try to be the opposite of those things.
Intention doesn’t matter when someone feels they have been harmed by my actions.
So I’ve booked an appointment with my therapist and gonna unpack what’s going on. It’s gonna be rough. But that’s the grown-up thing to do, and in a case like this, it’s irresponsible to say “I don’t wanna adult today.”
All I can do is what I can do. The only person I can change is myself.
March 17 at 12:14pm ·
I've always felt there should be a better term than "hallmark holiday" to describe the mainstream commercialisation of holidays like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo that have actual significance to a group of people. labelleizzy just came up with the wonderful "plastic holiday", which describes the phenomenon to a T.
7 You, aelfie, wuukiee and 4 others
R A: I have to think about this. I'd prefer a term that more clearly underlines the way that crass commercialism has co-opted what had originally been a genuine celebration or remembrance.
Like · Reply · 1 · March 17 at 12:17pm
M E H: Hmmn. I have only heard the term Hallmark Holiday used to refer to things like Valentines Day or Mother's Day.
Like · Reply · 1 · March 17 at 12:54pm
hitchhiker: yes, precisely, which is why I was reluctant to use it for this. it's a different problem and should not be conflated
Like · Reply · March 17 at 1:46pm
wuukiee: Mardi Gras, too
Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 17 at 1:03pm
labelleizzy: My dad used Hallmark holidays to refer to Valentine's day, mother's day and father's day, all of those.
We didn't grow up in any faith system, so holidays always felt like going through meaningless motions. I've had anger at how St Patrick's has been advertised and made commercial, also Cinco de Mayo. They're not real cultural celebration, they're not authentic, they're plastic, fake, not nourishing.
Like · Reply · 2 · March 17 at 1:05pm
My dad used to call Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, and a lot of other such holidays quote Hallmark holidays unquote. Because in his mind they seemed to exist only to sell more greeting cards. So that's where I'm coming from.
But St. Patrick's Day, it's not even a real holiday even in a Catholic calendar, not really a holiday in the same way that Cinco de Mayo isn't really an important historical date in Mexican history. And what I feel has happened is that these relatively innocuous holiday dates have somehow been glomped up on by American pop culture as an excuse to party, overindulge, and get drunk.
In that same vein, then this afternoon I was thinking about the Disney movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And remember their holiday of Topsy Turvy day? I read at some point *cough history nerd cough* that holidays like that exist in the same way that Mardi Gras exists; which is they are safety valves for the restlessness of the popular folk or the poor folk or the little guys.
The more authoritarian, the more controlling, the more class segregated, a culture is, or the more judgemental and repressed they are about sex (music, dancing, art), the greater the need for the kind of Festival that allows Dionysus to really come out.
That's how we put it in one of my Faith Traditions. It is the necessary Madness in Greek paganism. We call it the Lesser Madness, and we accept the Lesser Madness in order to prevent the greater Madness from taking over. The big problem right now, as I see it, is that the greater Madness is going to come and take control.
Our culture is fucked up in so many ways: the belief that the richer you are the more deserving/virtuous/admirable you are. The deliberate breaking of the education system so that only so many people really succeed in getting educated or in learning how to think clearly. The pervasive baked in sexism and racism that prevents so many people from achieving their dreams, their goals, or even, LITERALLY, continued existence.
The Lesser Madness is on the verge of no longer being able to function as a safety valve in American society. The Powers That Be are drowning us all, pissing us off to satisfy their endless horrific greed. Their disregard and cruelty towards "lesser mortals" endangers vulnerable lives in every walk of life, in every time of life from infancy through eldering.
Americans are learning to SEE. Americans are learning, again, to defend our rights. And the "safety valve" is going to blow CLEAN OFF. It already is, as those in the government making a power grab fail to understand that they have awoken the sleeping Leviathan with their unsubtle callous jerking back and forth at the reins.
It's probably better for us, actually, that they are so incompetent. And so disregarding of our agency, power, and willingness to Fuck Shit Up.
The steam engine of this experiment in democracy seems about ready to blow up because the conductor keeps shoveling coal in and disregarding the dials because he doesn't want to control himself.
You know *scratching chin* they probably could have kept fleecing us for a hell of a long time if they'd only gone about it in a moderate fashion. But I think between Flint, Michigan, Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, so so many others, so many failures to protect the people, so many failures to look after us, the sheep are going to stampede and trample a bunch of shit, bring confusion to our enemies.
And some of the sheep ain't sheep at all. We're dragons with wings and roars and fire. We're manticores with poison fangs and lion's claws. We're fae, we're tiny enough to get between the gears of the machine and fuck shit up that way, or we're giant amazons, in seven league boots, bearing giant spiked bats made for smashing.
And those that think they control us and can harvest us at their liking will have another think coming.
Smash the Patriarchy.
further reading: Normal is coming unhinged. For the last eight years it has been possible for most people (at least in the relatively privileged classes) to believe that society is sound, that the system, though creaky, basically works, and that the progressive deterioration of everything from ecology to economy is a temporary deviation from the evolutionary imperative of progress...
Concert last night was good fun, and next up is a forum on international day of the woman (today)... There's a Poly meetup tonight, and Jeff and I are thinking of hosting a gathering in our suite tomorrow. More fun stuff upcoming...
In news of the hand recovery... I seem to alternating days of loads of PT and days of just use it as normally as possible, and the recovery is slow and steady. Enh. I'm still impatient and want it to be "fixed already" but yeah. It is what it is, it heals at its own pace.