My sister-in-law is in a pretty strapped situation right now. She's got a month old brand new baby. The father of the baby has turned out to be a pretty s***** person: untrustworthy and abusive enough that the cops actually put a Stay Away order on him. Her 18-year-old has moved out, and is now sending her abusive messages. She has depression and other issues that have put her on disability. And she's overwhelmed. Because of course her landlord wants to sell the house she's been living in, now in this covid-drenched pandemic hellscape.

*Measured breathing*

I want to help and don't know really sure how to. I know what I would do in her shoes. I actually DID a lot of the things I would recommend to her, when I was her age.

Our life experience is really similar on multiple axes, main difference being I didn't have kids (thank goodness, and no offense to anyone with kids or who wanted kids) Life is easier without having to wrangle, raise and educate kids... And my body being what it is, I'm even more glad that I didn't.

Okay.

Here's where I say the things I can't say elsewhere, and especially not to her.
I feel like she's been bullied all her life. By her birth family, by men she hoped to build a life with. Her mom was bullied by HER birth family. Her mom is COWED. Her dad is an *asshole*, to put it bluntly. (Yes it's personal. No I'm not getting into it, except to say that he fucked up, so it's on him to fix it, it's emphatically Not My Job.)

I wanna help. But I just fuckin' feel sorry for her (and for her mom) and wanna wave my magic wand and Fix It All. But I know she has to build it herself.

My focus is to A) hold my own boundaries. B) encourage her to make conscious choices. C) encourage her to discover healthy boundaries and healthy relationships and seek them out.

I haven't priested like this in a long time. I'm out of the habit (haha) and I'm going to need to practice balancing my own needs and not overextending myself, with offering the kinds of help I can afford to offer.

Not sure what I'm asking for, except maybe support and validation of any of y'all have worked before with women struggling in an abusive situation who feel overwhelmed and trapped.

At least she's not living with the current asshole. But she was still trying to propitiate him with her baby name choice, so ... *Throws hands up in the air*

This morning it feels to me like I'm a failure at extroverting. That's not untrue. I love a lot of people, andat the same time I don't have a great habit of maintaining regular contact.

It's even easy now! Not like when I was a kid and you had to write long laborious letters by hand, or call someone on the landline. (Ye gods I'm old, yes that was a rotary phone)

Email and blogging and messaging systems... Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and Tumblr...

People I love are in anguish. People are murdered by the police for their skin color, and riots are the voice of the voiceless.

I'd say this is not my America, but that would be a lie. This has always been what America is, but I had the privilege to not-see, not-notice.

I can dimly imagine the fear and the rage of their whole lives, the humiliation and stress of forcibly swallowing all that down to try and be allowed to live. To just live.

I have to do better. To get past my block about contacting people.

I have to do better. To manage my own discomfort about learning and acknowledging uncomfortable truths.

I have to do better. I belong to communities, and I have responsibility to those communities that I cannot dodge or deny. I will not be a coward.

Pantheacon weekend impressions:

1. Healing myself heals the ancestors, elevating the ancestors elevates the future. Consciously focusing on ancestor work is not only worthy but can have unexpectedly magnified effects. The networks you build give the deep roots necessary to survive the coming storm. (Both Luna and Orion talked on this theme)
2. Beauty is manufactured, Beauty is within, Beauty is how you live.
3. One water, all waters, flow to heal...
4. Selena Fox is amazing. Circle sanctuary makes sense to me now. Crossroads magic was amazing.
5. Temple of Inanna: I want to have their babies and also dance with them. Temple of Aphrodite (Oakland) ran Mirrors of Truth: powerful stuff, and I want to go to other events they do in future. (Jenn, I'm asking you if you want to come with)
6. We would all do better, as humans and as a society, if we followed the way of being that the speakers in Ask A Native described: reciprocally, in context, in community, humbly.
(Look up and insert the recommended reading references here)
7. Sharon Knight has some good history- badass ladies storytelling songs, check her out.
8. Podcasting? ME? it's more likely than you think. I am tentatively planning on calling it "I am a wypipo but I don't have to be a jerk" and after I get some good basics recorded I want to have conversations with friends, particularly friends of color.
9. Finding your friends randomly is kinda the best thing. you look up and People say your name and are so glad to see you.
10. Brigid loves me and I am Her child, and I don't have to try so fuckin hard all the time to earn Her love. I have it on good authority. (Thank you and bless you, Hufflepuff Bear.)

Last night I went to dance class, and Monday night ecstatic dance class usually has some philosophical elements. There's a reason why I think of it as Dance Church.

Last night at Dance Church (laughing), we wound up talking about the fact that at in our dance class, we tend to, or even more strictly than tend to, are generally instructed to keep our communication nonverbal.

Which means that sometimes it can be difficult saying wholeheartedly yes, or no, to an invitation to dance or be intimate in other ways, not like sexy but intimate. Eye contact for example. We sometimes have difficulty getting what we want because there's the tradition of not using words.

So that was something that Claire was working on with us last night. For a change, last night our exercise or our thing to think about, involved us using our words to meet someone, invite them to walk with us, accept the verbal yes. We did that with a few partners, over the course of a few minutes, and then we spent a moment exploring opportunities to say no, with the explicit instruction to try some requests that the partner could say no to. John for example said can I mess up your hair? And I said no. And then he asked can I tickle your feet? And I said no, silly, I'm walking on them! To be continued...

It was a good exercise for me, to think about how do I offer space for yes. Yes is the hard answer for me, because I have trust things going on. It was also good exercise, because after we did those two yes's and no's verbally, practicing them with different partners, we paused for a little while, and discussed things in a circle and that happens very infrequently. Especially in this class. Claire led us through sharing and acknowledging what body language that says no, looks like. She used the terminology, open for business versus closed for business.

a non-verbal no on the Dance Floor might look like:

* No eye contact, or staring at the floor.
* Closed eyes
* Moving away from someone who's moving towards you, like they're about to ask you to dance.
* Dancing Really Big (this is one of mine)

A non verbal yes on the Dance Floor, might look like

* Eye contact on a friendly face
* Someone dancing near you and echoing your movements in some ways. Stewart is really good at doing this in a gentle and non-threatening way, which I profoundly appreciate.
* a big smile, and moving towards you instead of away

As with any part of society, we have had and our dance community, people who feel uncomfortable because other people are approaching them when they would rather be alone. John remember to me a time when he had been dancing quietly by himself with his eyes closed, only to open his eyes and suddenly there somebody right up against him dancing. Chelsea mentioned a pattern of behavior she's noticed, where other dancers talk to her after dance, mentioning that they thought she looked really sad because she was dancing alone. Or that they thought she look much happier on days that she was dancing with other people! I'm not quite sure what to do with that. I have not experienced that myself but I believe it!

I guess I have to acknowledge that we are all constantly judging each other. That judgment isn't necessarily mean or harsh, but that we are making decisions about people around us and near us, our safety and our environment, all day everyday.

The problem with a non-verbal environment, is that disambiguation is really hard. The fact that I'm happiest dancing on My Own a lot of the time, should be something that people can observe and respect, and they're welcome to offer or join me, and I'm welcome to say no or yes, according to how safe I feel.

I mean, earliest on, when I started doing this form of Dance, I came from a dance Community before this, where if you didn't have a partner you would not get to dance! Set dances require a partner, ballroom dances require a partner. But ecstatic dance, is a free-form dance. And you can dance however you want with or without whoever you want.

I think I really appreciate, says the woman whose nickname is Words, putting that into words. The previous feelings of loneliness and feeling abandoned, when a dance would go on and I didn't have a partner, though I would want to dance! And how you judged yourself as being unworthy, if you couldn't find a partner, especially for a particular special dances, I am remembering I kind of panicky feeling, rushing around trying to find a partner for that one waltz, or that one set dance. And how disappointing it was to not have a partner!

I appreciate the freedom, so much of being able to explore my own body and how I move in a semi-public space. I remember when I started with this dance community how hungry for movement, contact and attention I was, how angry I was at myself for not having a partner to dance with, like it was my fault for being new and not having those relationships with people. I remember thinking that everyone was already in their little clicks and that I would never have that kind of closeness with folks in that space.

But now, I have been doing this for years and I've made friends, in spite of only rarely talking to them or only talking to a few of them outside dance. I feel safe there. I share, I share of myself, not as much with words as with letting go of my own movement oriented limitations. I let my shoulders move. I let my breasts move. I recently found permission for myself to let my hips move, even though that little critic in the back of my head, worries that someone's thinking like I'm trying to seduce somebody. But I'm not, and anybody who has that misapprehension, honestly? That's on them. That is not my fault nor is it my problem. And because this is a safe space I don't worry about it, or very little. Unlike in the so called real world.

It can be really freaking hard to be a woman in America. And especially over the last two years it's been really freaking hard. Quite honestly I've been hiding in my house and glad to work from home. But I have spent an extended period of time studying how to move, freely and with confidence, how to give and receive permission, how to offer consent and ask for it. I need to move out into the world to do more of that.

Okay, goals.
I'm going to invite Claire to read this.
Think more about intimacy and safety.

Was talking with Jenn this morning and we were talking about sex and kissing and generally being fed, emotionally.

Being fed, emotionally, is what I call intimacy.

I was thinking about writing a Tumblr post, and maybe I'll adapt this for that purpose, because Intimacy comes in a MILLION forms that AREN'T sex. And there needs to be an understanding of that. Across the board, there needs to be an understanding of that.

Sex isn't necessarily intimacy. Sex doesn't necessarily feed your spirit and self, or make you feel satisfied.

Orgasm isn't necessarily intimacy either. (though sex without a satisfying orgasm can be classified as "bad sex", it can still feel intimate, especially if there's clear communication about what's going on and why, or if at least one partner feels like it's a gift to their partner) I could write so much about this, but that's what I've got at the moment.

Intimacy can be the right amount of eye contact during a meaningful discussion.
Or it can be someone who knows just when to offer a hug, and who holds on as long as you need it..
Intimacy can be the kind of hug where you can hear the other person's heartbeat and you just feel safe.
Or it can be touching and being touched in the ways that feel satisfying.

(I'm laughing at myself a little, because part of the reason I'm writing this is that I've had a song stuck in my head for two days, and it seems like it's an anthem for ace/asexual folks...)



Intimacy isn't about being naked with someone. (necessarily!) I've been hot tubbing for literally decades. It can be sexual, it can be chill. It can be friendly, or there can be no connection whatever between you and the other naked person...

But then there's this: One time at Kiva (santa cruz hot tub place) I met someone in the public space talking-allowed tub. For some reason we wound up talking about the fact that I was considering having ACL reconstruction/knee surgery. Probably that my body was hurting all the time, and I'd only recently finally learned that the ACL on my right knee wasn't just damaged, it was not just broken, but it was completely GONE. My ACL had broken so long before I and my doctors figured it out and got the MRI testing done, that my body had cannibalized the tissue, cleaned it right out.

I'm talking to the guy. It felt safe to express my fears about surgery, generally, and also to explain and describe the ongoing chronic pain I had been suffering. (when your body is missing a structural member, the muscles elsewhere in the body overwork to make up for that lack. This frequently causes serious pain.)

He says, I had that kind of surgery twenty years ago, things are VERY different now. He lifts his knee out of the water, there's a giant red scar circling 2/3-3/4 of his knee. He says, this is how they used to do ACL replacement, before arthroscopic surgery. He describes the process, which I'll spare you from hearing. Then he describes how they do surgery "now" (in 2011) with small incisions, a camera to guide the surgeon, and a much shorter recovery time.

Being naked and in a trusting environment facilitated the intimacy. Which was the sharing of personal stories, advice, and perspective, and LISTENING. Listening, with a mind to HELP.

I did get that surgery, (which is now 7 years ago on my personal timeline) in part because I had this conversation. He said it was worth getting, even back when he got it, even with the extensive scarring and longer recovery period. I'd thank him, if I met him again and recognized him.

That felt intimate. Shared stories and kindness.

Contrariwise, I have an ex boyfriend who used the being naked together/having been naked together, as an awkward means to try and reconnect and/or hit on people. It became One of his usual greetings. "Hey, haven't I seen you naked?"

He thought he was funny, I guess. Eh. *eyeroll*

My friend L is asexual, smart, funny, punny, charming, cute. She's one of the reasons why that song up there got stuck in my head. I've taken a year of pottery classes with her, and we camped together at Burning Man this year, sharing some adventures. We come from different backgrounds, but we always have been able to talk about all kinds of things. She asks the most interesting questions, because she's *interested* in people and how they think and feel about a variety of different things.

Conversations with L are always interesting and intimate. Lots of people say "small talk is bullshit" but she asks real questions, and answers real questions thoughtfully. She's really REAL.

Another example: a different friend needed a safe space and to be listened to and be a little bit squished last night. Then she needed to cry. She cried, for hours, on my shoulder and in my arms. She needed to talk and vent about her sorrows and anger and disappointment about her relationship disintegrating under her, despite her best efforts. And her efforts have been many, detailed, and persistent, in trying to "fix" her marriage, to communicate clearly, to set her boundaries. I admire the work she's been doing, and I'm fucking sad as hell and disappointed in her partner for blowing past her boundaries, ignoring her communication, and failing to show up and meet her with a similar amount of effort.

But being the person who she feels safe enough to cry with?

That's a kind of intimacy like no other. Offering her safe space and the kind of physical contact she needed to let go for awhile... there was nothing sexual involved, just two humans being human together in pain and comfort.

Intimacy comes in friendly touch, in fixing someone's hair or collar, scratching the spot on their back that they can't reach. (I think of those grooming touches as a monkey-mind socialization.)

Intimacy can be instant and temporary, or can build over time.

and the thing that I finally understand, after years and years of working on my "trust issues" and anxiety and depression, is that it's always always always based on *mutual* consent and connection.

Post two is coming up.
There's a dark underbelly that I wanted to keep separate from this particular discussion.

Yesterday was a day for what Louisa May Alcott called, IIRC, "the black megrims" (aka depression)
which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.

but I posted to Facebook,

Hey, y'all.
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.

and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?

I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).

After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.

(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)

and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.

Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)

I did good self care.

I can be proud of myself.

It's a short little book, The Five Love Languages, but it makes a lot of sense.
People speak different love languages.

The examples Chapman uses are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift-giving (or receiving), and Quality Time. If you and your lover speak different "languages", you are going to have a difficult time getting your needs met: as time goes on and you aren't feeling loved, even if your lover is making an effort, you become increasingly frustrated and feel empty and unloved.

You get a gimme at first when you fall in love: love relationships when they begin have a "honeymoon period". However, you can only fly so far on Limerence, aka the in-love feeling, aka NRE. Limerence lasts for a finite time... after that, well, your jet fuel starts to run out, if you don't mind the metaphor.

You can fill your tank with The Good Stuff by finding (or properly training!) a partner on how to Speak YOUR Love Language. If they can't speak your Love Language, it doesn't fill your emotional tank. They might give you kerosene when you need gasoline, or water when you need oil. They're trying, they made an effort, they want credit, but if it's a language you don't speak, or a fuel you're unable to use?
( Read more... )
=888=

Long Story Short:
My Love Languages, in order, seem to be:

1st: Acts of Service (Will you do something for me, or with me? Can I do something with you, or for you?)
2nd: Physical Touch (Hug me, cuddle me, sit near to me so our feet or knees touch)
3rd: Words of Affirmation (Tell me you love me, that I'm pretty, that I'm doing good work or that you're proud of me)

"Gifts" got a ZERO score from me on both versions of the test I took. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate thoughtful gifts: I have a Scarf Lynn Leonard made for me, that I *love* and adore, an embroidery sample from Betty Pugh on my wall (both older lady co-workers in schools, both birthday presents, and both made for me, personalized with me in mind, so maybe even more Act of Service than Gift?), the easel, paints, brushes, scarf, and rose fragrance from Mom, the quilt T.R. bought for my 40th birthday, and others. I enjoy giving gifts to people sometimes too... I made a point for the first time in years to get presents for my immediate family and Jeff's too, and that felt good.

HOWEVER.
*grinning*
I *loved* that Lance and Joanne came over to help decorate my christmas tree this year. I *loved* helping R and TR with paperwork, hosting Paula as well, and feeding everyone into the bargain. I *loved* my Mad Hatter Tea Party a couple years ago, the clothing swap that I hosted in my bitty little place in Pleasant Hill, and I have warm, loving feelings toward all the people who have EVER helped me move house, and that's a LOT of people. I *loved* baking shortbread for last year's Waldorf assembly and I *loved* that so many people came to tell me that they loved my baking! Then, too, the compliment from Dorit on my work in our eurythmy performance will nestle in my heart forever... *bask*

Knowing I am appreciated in many ways, by many different people, makes me feel loved. Acts of Service, and Quality Time, Words AND Touch.

=888=
( Read more... )
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I feel respected and loved when I am noticed with words. (Jenna, one of the 7th graders from my practicum class, noticed and said she loved my new boots which I wore today (yes, those boots.)) Hee! I heard from one of the Waldorf parents during my practicum that her daughter said my lessons were fun and that she was learning good things. *swoon!*

I feel respected and loved when someone I care about helps me with a task or does something for me. The other day TR and Diana were at Orchard Supply and they called to ask me if I needed anything, then brought me a bag of soil so I could repot some plants. *squee* They a) Heard my Words and b) Did Something that helped me with a Task! super yay! Jeff vacuumed the WHOLE HOUSE after we got the new vacuum. It took him 4 hours because we hadn't vacuumed in almost a year. MEGA yay, and super bonus brownie points!

I feel respected and loved when I receive the kind of touch I crave: sometimes gentle and loving, sometimes tempestuous and passionate. I express love and caring attention by trying to pay attention to how and whether people I care about, like to be touched. At work, I use gentle, respectful touch to get my point across and to build relationships with students - a pat on the back for encouragement, a touch on the hand or shoulder to draw attention. I noticed the same kind of behavior in the teacher whose class I worked for today (I have GOT to find an alternative to the term "subbing"... ack. I AM a teacher, I'm not a substitute for a teacher. I'm just a *different* teacher than the class's usual teacher... okay, </ soapbox>... I like "guest teacher" and will try to be consistent in using that.). As a teacher, you have to be the Alpha Wolf, and you can accomplish some of that dominance in a quiet and affectionate way with touch.

I get a high from dancing with people... Act of Service (doing something I love with me) AND Physical Touch! Woo-Hoo! (Again, why am I NOT doing this more OFTEN?!?!?)

=888=

I would challenge everyone who has had "communication difficulties" in a relationship, to familiarize yourself with the concept of Love Languages, learn your own, and try to figure out what the other person's may be.

Might very well be that EVERYONE could have a full Emotional Fuel Tank... and then we could ALL fly!

What fills your tank with the right fuel?
What fills THEIR tank with the right fuel?
Are you willing to do what it takes for the person you love to have a full tank, even if it doesn't come naturally to you?

Learn how to fly. Learn how to fill your tank, so you can fly, and so you can help others to fly.

How children are raised is how they behave when under stress.

For instance, attempted rape or sexual harassment.

Trigger warning, but I wanted to boost this signal because she hits the nail on the head about what happened for me with my own date rape in college.

Read the comment strand too.

a follow up which I found quite educational: Who FB friends your rapist? Assholes who aren't really friends to you.

Via Rafael Jesus Gonzalez, whose mailing list I am on:

"George Lakoff argues that the Republican choice of Palin makes total sense if you truly understand the strategy of the Republicans in this election. Lakoff is the author of The Political Mind: Why You Can't Understand 20th Century Politics With an 18th Century Brain (2008) and Don't Think of an Elephant: Know your Values and Frame the Debate (2004)


The Palin Choice
The Reality of the Political Mind

by George Lakoff

This election matters because of realities-the realities of global warming, the economy, the Middle East, nuclear proliferation, civil liberties, species extinction, poverty here and around the world, and on and on. Such realities are what make this election so very crucial, and how to deal with them is the substance of the Democratic platform <http://www.demconvention.com/assets/downloads/2008-democratic-platform-by-cmte-08-13-08.pdf> .direct link to PDF on HuffingtonPost website linked below.

Election campaigns matter because who gets elected can change reality. But election campaigns are primarily about the realities of voters' minds, which depend on how the candidates and the external realities are cognitively framed. They can be framed honestly or deceptively, effectively or clumsily. And they are always framed from the perspective of a worldview.

The Obama campaign has learned this. The Republicans have long known it, and the choice of Sarah Palin as their Vice-Presidential candidate reflects their expert understanding of the political mind and political marketing. Democrats who simply belittle the Palin choice are courting disaster. It must be t aken with the utmost seriousness.

The Democratic responses so far reflect external realities: she is inexperienced, knowing little or nothing about foreign policy or national issues; she is really an anti-feminist, wanting the government to enter women's lives to block abortion, but not wanting the government to guarantee equal pay for equal work, or provide adequate child health coverage, or child care, or early childhood education; she shills for the oil and gas industry on drilling; she denies the scientific truths of global warming and evolution; she misuses her political authority; she opposes sex education and her daughter is pregnant; and, rather than being a maverick, she is on the whole a radical right-wing ideologue.

All true, so far as we can tell.

But such truths may nonetheless be largely irrelevant to this campaign. That is the lesson Democrats must learn. They must learn the reality of the political mind. (emphasis mine)

Here's why I'm worried...(rest of the article)

Heads up, zpdiduda, ef2p, joedecker, ozarque and others who grok language, persuasion, and politics...

Scares the HELL out of me that we might not GET a chance to make a real change. If the Dems lose because we can't frame the debate so it captures the minds and hearts of the AmPublic, well. It's a worry ozarque has expressed on multiple occasions. I agree - politics IS perception, but I don't have enough background to know what to do next, other than point as many people as I can, toward this very well-written explanation of the current landscape.

Go, read. Talk about it. Get INVOLVED...

Here is me testing a new-for-me technique of blogging. Of communicating, and of political activism.



I believe Naomi Wolf is right.
I believe that the window of opportunity is closing, and that we, ALL OF US, will have to push to keep it open.
I believe that we have to ratchet up our efforts to protect our democracy and our own safety.

I believe that this country's Founders meant for all of us to stand up and protect government for the people, BY the people, if it is ever threatened.

Am I scared to speak out like this?

Hell yes.

but I remember the quote by Martin Niemoller:

"In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up."

this is me, worried.

Watch the video. Thank you, Cherilyn, for pointing me in this direction, and for helping me wake up.

Elections are coming up.
Please pay attention. I will be trying to, also.