Be the change you want to see.

It's a short little book, The Five Love Languages, but it makes a lot of sense.
People speak different love languages.

The examples Chapman uses are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift-giving (or receiving), and Quality Time. If you and your lover speak different "languages", you are going to have a difficult time getting your needs met: as time goes on and you aren't feeling loved, even if your lover is making an effort, you become increasingly frustrated and feel empty and unloved.

You get a gimme at first when you fall in love: love relationships when they begin have a "honeymoon period". However, you can only fly so far on Limerence, aka the in-love feeling, aka NRE. Limerence lasts for a finite time... after that, well, your jet fuel starts to run out, if you don't mind the metaphor.

You can fill your tank with The Good Stuff by finding (or properly training!) a partner on how to Speak YOUR Love Language. If they can't speak your Love Language, it doesn't fill your emotional tank. They might give you kerosene when you need gasoline, or water when you need oil. They're trying, they made an effort, they want credit, but if it's a language you don't speak, or a fuel you're unable to use?
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Long Story Short:
My Love Languages, in order, seem to be:

1st: Acts of Service (Will you do something for me, or with me? Can I do something with you, or for you?)
2nd: Physical Touch (Hug me, cuddle me, sit near to me so our feet or knees touch)
3rd: Words of Affirmation (Tell me you love me, that I'm pretty, that I'm doing good work or that you're proud of me)

"Gifts" got a ZERO score from me on both versions of the test I took. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate thoughtful gifts: I have a Scarf Lynn Leonard made for me, that I *love* and adore, an embroidery sample from Betty Pugh on my wall (both older lady co-workers in schools, both birthday presents, and both made for me, personalized with me in mind, so maybe even more Act of Service than Gift?), the easel, paints, brushes, scarf, and rose fragrance from Mom, the quilt T.R. bought for my 40th birthday, and others. I enjoy giving gifts to people sometimes too... I made a point for the first time in years to get presents for my immediate family and Jeff's too, and that felt good.

HOWEVER.
*grinning*
I *loved* that Lance and Joanne came over to help decorate my christmas tree this year. I *loved* helping R and TR with paperwork, hosting Paula as well, and feeding everyone into the bargain. I *loved* my Mad Hatter Tea Party a couple years ago, the clothing swap that I hosted in my bitty little place in Pleasant Hill, and I have warm, loving feelings toward all the people who have EVER helped me move house, and that's a LOT of people. I *loved* baking shortbread for last year's Waldorf assembly and I *loved* that so many people came to tell me that they loved my baking! Then, too, the compliment from Dorit on my work in our eurythmy performance will nestle in my heart forever... *bask*

Knowing I am appreciated in many ways, by many different people, makes me feel loved. Acts of Service, and Quality Time, Words AND Touch.

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I feel respected and loved when I am noticed with words. (Jenna, one of the 7th graders from my practicum class, noticed and said she loved my new boots which I wore today (yes, those boots.)) Hee! I heard from one of the Waldorf parents during my practicum that her daughter said my lessons were fun and that she was learning good things. *swoon!*

I feel respected and loved when someone I care about helps me with a task or does something for me. The other day TR and Diana were at Orchard Supply and they called to ask me if I needed anything, then brought me a bag of soil so I could repot some plants. *squee* They a) Heard my Words and b) Did Something that helped me with a Task! super yay! Jeff vacuumed the WHOLE HOUSE after we got the new vacuum. It took him 4 hours because we hadn't vacuumed in almost a year. MEGA yay, and super bonus brownie points!

I feel respected and loved when I receive the kind of touch I crave: sometimes gentle and loving, sometimes tempestuous and passionate. I express love and caring attention by trying to pay attention to how and whether people I care about, like to be touched. At work, I use gentle, respectful touch to get my point across and to build relationships with students - a pat on the back for encouragement, a touch on the hand or shoulder to draw attention. I noticed the same kind of behavior in the teacher whose class I worked for today (I have GOT to find an alternative to the term "subbing"... ack. I AM a teacher, I'm not a substitute for a teacher. I'm just a *different* teacher than the class's usual teacher... okay, </ soapbox>... I like "guest teacher" and will try to be consistent in using that.). As a teacher, you have to be the Alpha Wolf, and you can accomplish some of that dominance in a quiet and affectionate way with touch.

I get a high from dancing with people... Act of Service (doing something I love with me) AND Physical Touch! Woo-Hoo! (Again, why am I NOT doing this more OFTEN?!?!?)

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I would challenge everyone who has had "communication difficulties" in a relationship, to familiarize yourself with the concept of Love Languages, learn your own, and try to figure out what the other person's may be.

Might very well be that EVERYONE could have a full Emotional Fuel Tank... and then we could ALL fly!

What fills your tank with the right fuel?
What fills THEIR tank with the right fuel?
Are you willing to do what it takes for the person you love to have a full tank, even if it doesn't come naturally to you?

Learn how to fly. Learn how to fill your tank, so you can fly, and so you can help others to fly.

One of my homework assignments for the Waldorf teacher training program I am taking, is to do daily meditation exercises to strengthen my brain's/mind's ability to focus, to perceive, to learn, to problem-solve, to know what I am actually seeing/feeling/experiencing... Steiner's term for this translates to something like "training the Organs of Cognition." Your emotions can be used to analyze and to help you think.

For example, every time I heard John McCain say, "My friends, blah blah blah..." (it doesn't matter what it was he was saying, because) once he used that phrase to start off, with that particular tone of voice, I was not hearing anything he had to say because I was feeling /rage/ and /outrage/...

so then I can take a moment now, in the quiet, to think about why I was feeling that, and why it basically blindsided me.

... more in a minute...

Resuming (I either need to get more hydrated, more regularly or to go to the optometrist for new 'eyeballs', probably both)...

I think ozarque would parse this out much more coherently than I can, with her detailed background in linguistics and subtext. But EVERY TIME I heard McCain say "My friends...", I felt
Patronized.
Looked down upon.
Like my head was being patted.
Like I was being manipulated.
Resentful - he is NOT MY friend, how dare he refer to us all that way?

I was thinking about it in moments when I wasn't mad, and realizing I resent W's verbal tic of "Mah fellow 'Mericans" much less, in spite of not liking him, because that much is actually TRUE.

There were other moments that pissed me off - his persistent fear mongering and doomsaying about the future, his apparent lack of concrete plans, his meandering past actually answering the question, spinning his own tale more times than not and then POINTING OUT at the start of a particular rebuttal, the first time Obama tailored an answer that didn't directly answer a question (Pot, Kettle.)

I felt condescended to. I found myself looking for examples of a meta-plan to sabotage an Obama presidency, prior even to full gestation. I heard him use the subjunctive tense when referring to an Obama presidency, which (IIRC) would seem to indicate McCain subconsciously expects Obama to win, but in those statements he (McCain) was also at his most slanderous, poisonous, and fearmongery.

I read an article linked on ontd_political about the meta-plan to move the US closer to a fascist state by driving wedges of no-confidence and resentment between the people and the government, and (my perception was that) I seemed to see indications of that mindset in McCain.

But the end of it all, is my gut reaction.

McCain troubles my second chakra. I don't feel secure or hopeful when listening to him. My throat chokes up, and I feel red energies of anger shooting from the top of my head and the base of my spine. McCain feels to me like a carefully camouflaged, cleaned up and well-dressed, doom sayer from the soap box at the corner of the marketplace. Or he sounds like a preacher from a pulpit, who condemns in fiery terms those who have an angry heart and no mercy on their neighbors. In short, a hypocrite, lacking self-knowledge or self-examination, and insincere.

Obama makes my heart feel clear. I can see his vision of a hopeful future (6th chakra) and it's like standing on a hill, looking down the valley, with a clear path scrolling down the hill, through the valley, to a restful destination that will be a long walk away but is definitely achievable, BY ME, right now.

The moments after the debate were very telling, for me, as were the candidates reactions to one another while speaking. Obama was unfailingly focused on McCain, politely attentive, while he was speaking, except in a couple cases where McCain made some outrageous charge or direct attack on him; then I saw Obama look away briefly, smile, and shake his head. Obama looked relaxed and comfortable. When Obama spoke, McCain was listening and taking notes but only rarely watched the senator from Illinois, and certainly fell short of being polite and attentive.

Then at the end of the debate, the candidates went around the studio, glad-handing the spectators/participants in the town hall meeting... I watched both Barack and Michelle Obama shake hands, lean forward, make eye contact, have short conversations with people, and I saw their lips say "thank you for being here" more than once. McCain also was shaking hands and talking to people, but Cindy McCain? um. She had her hands locked together behind her back. I may be overreacting, but I definitely got a "not MY job" vibe from her... not quite the 'upturned nose, remove these ...persons from my presence' arrogance, but dude, was she COLD. Impeccably dressed, coiffed, and made up, but not THERE at all; not PRESENT. Obligatory.

Dudes, I knew who I wanted before the debate started, and I had to listen to almost half in the car due to traffic on the way out to masterfiddler's, but once I got to see AND hear the debate? It was all about the non-verbals for me. Obama was positive and confident and respectful, McCain was petty, repetitive, and spreading teh fear.

Yeah, I'm going to the Deomocratic HQ tomorrow to volunteer.

I want Obama IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

I've been thinking about my brother a lot the last few days. Nothing like the onset of fall for remembering; to me the crisp cool weather and the grey skies just trigger sad, thoughtful retrospection.

Mom called tonight.

She said that Sarah, Scotty's wife, has made the decision to scatter Scotty's ashes and did it early early early yesterday morning. One factor was that Judy, Sarah's mom, was due to return to her own home, after an extended visit of support and love.

Another factor was that, for Sarah, it just felt right.

Mom reinforced in the phone call with Sarah and Judy earlier today, that it was Sarah's call, that while Jen and mom and I might have had our opinions and wishes, Sarah knew what he'd wanted, and that's exactly what she did.

you have three guesses as to where Sarah went yesterday morning at 5 am to scatter Scotty's earthly remains.

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Rest in peace, Coach.