Be the change you want to see.

y'all, if you've broken yourself and you still have pain, may I recommend seeing a good chiropractor?

*emphasis on GOOD*

I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)

Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.

tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.

y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!

and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.

I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.

but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.

healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.

I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.

Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.

Okay y'all, I was going through my posts to do with the car wreck of 12/31/16 where my wrist was broken and realized I haven't talked about it in quite some time.

I'm largely good. Still wouldn't call it 100%, and I've definitely still got some collateral damage that requires work and balancing, (muscle adhesions and stiffness and such stuff that developed further up the arm and shoulder from the initial injury and then from the immobilization) but I'm definitely functional. Call this halfway through month 8.

I can do most of the things I need to do in my life, but my shoulders get tired, tense and I got a couple of muscle knots that keep recurring under my shoulder blade. I've got some muscular tension under the ulna pretty well constantly, but it's more discomfort than pain. The pinky aches, like right now with typing, I can't hit the "p" or the quote mark with my pinky. I've adapted and use my ring finger instead. I'd definitely like to do that again, but I'm okay where I am right now.

I think I'm healed enough to go see my chiropractor, Larry, for the pain and inflexibility again. I'm hoping he can help me with the tendon on the last joint of the pinky. It feels like it's ... off track? does that make sense? Like there should be something to do that would click it back "in place" and then the mobility would be better and all.

Hand strength is pretty good, almost normal again. I can pull four plates at a time out of the dishwasher in each hand again! (that's so fun.) Still seeing our massage therapist twice a month and will for as long as she's still living locally. IDK what I'm gonna do if she actually does move away. Nadine is a motherfuckin' BEAUTY, a real treasure.

Still working out twice a week, everything's working there. My core strength, legs and back are in good shape, and I can hold myself up on my hands for some of the exercises. I can definitely hang from the TRX straps to do inverted rows and I LOVE that... I need to push myself back into yoga; last time I checked I could actually DO the basic inversions like Down Dog with only mild discomfort, and yoga is so good for the whole integration of my body, stretching and elongating *sigh* ... still trying to get out to dance at least once a week...

Got some more good stuff moving in my life, but I think I'll try and make that a separate post.

*waves bye so she can eat dinner and go to a dance meditation class*

well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)

had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.

for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.

Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.

you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.

It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.

I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.

I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.

I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.

I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.

One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.

(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)

okay.

gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.

Healing progress report.
Grip strength decent ish. Some tingles and pins/needles when I use the full hand/put pressure on it to do things. Feels like my nerves are still confused. Still waking up swollen every damn morning. Got a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow and I think Larry will be able to adjust shoulder-elbow-wrist-finger for some damn relief. Ring and pinky finger are still too swollen -stiff to fold, though thumb adjustment mentioned in the last post is holding, no pain/swelling on that side anymore.

Preparing to leave on a trip Friday. Today's for packing lists and laundry, a haircut, and some minor repairs. Oh, and ordering bikini tops for express delivery, heh.

Time to get to work!

Still healing up from the broken bones in my hand. The tracking of the healing isn't... addictive, exactly, except where it is. =)

Got the cast off a week ago tomorrow, week 4 1/2 since the breaks. From Wednesday to Thursday, my hand was unusable, horrifically swollen. Suddenly moving one of my fingers, or my thumb, felt like it does when you stub your toe. It didn't last, fortunately, just a flash of pain. It took two full days of ice packs and paracetamol and gentlest of wiggling to start getting any mobility, by Saturday I had convinced my thumb to just barely touch my forefinger. I could almost hold a piece of paper.

I had resigned myself to two weeks or more with sausage fingers as the swelling slowly reduced itself, but on Monday had a visit from my genius massage therapist and bodyworker, Nadine. She's the reason why I'm typing two handed, with only slight discomfort, tonight, Tuesday night. She does various styles of massage but is particularly skilled at Bowen therapies, in my experience. She worked on trigger point releases for my muscles that must have worked on my lymphatic system...

Was sat in bed midafternoon, feeling blarghy something like 3 hours after she'd worked on me, paying attention particularly to my injured/healing arm that had been crazy hot and swollen, and it was still kind of fat and swollen. Thought to myself "Oh, lymphatic drainage, let's raise the arm up over my head against the wall, see if it helps some more" and within moments got that cool, slight pins-&-needles feeling of "oh, I've held my arm up in the air for ages" but then a feeling *inside my arm* of WATERFALL. It was so weird and so cool.

AND the hot swelling hasn't returned. I still have to gently stretch out the muscles and tendons to return to normal flexibility, gently flex and expand to wake the muscles back up again and get my strength and range of motion. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at things) my life has given me plenty of opportunities to understand how to do physical therapy WELL.

Today I have been able to hold clothes, even to help pull my jeans up with the hand that's healing. I've opened and shut the car doors and more than once the doors in my house, with that hand. I was able to unload the dishes and hold/grasp certain items securely with the hand that's healing... narrow gauge cups, certain pieces of silverware. Fine motor control is lacking, though (couldn't drop the spoons with accuracy into their slot in the drawer) and I can't grip anything much wider than 3" securely as I have no strength yet in my pinky, and the pressure sensitive nerves in that finger (the one that broke in the car wreck) don't seem to be registering yet. I don't think it's damage, because I can feel scratches of my other hand's nail just as clear as ever, I suspect it's just the severe immobilizing from the cast and healing from the break that's making my pinky slow to recover.

I swear if I ever write a fighter character, or a big-bruiser character, breaking a finger, breaking a wrist, won't be a thing that gets written off in like two sentences. This shit is awkward, even if it's not painful (my definition of "painful" is fairly extreme, ask me about my hysterosalpingigram sometime, ... or maybe don't) and it's taken a ton of my meatspace CPU cycles to adapt to having one hand to use for five weeks, and my left (aka nondominant hand) to boot.

Also I'm going to be more forgiving of people's little imperfections: to wit: typos on the internet, and crooked parking in parking lots. Both of which I'm doing because I simply CAN'T, or because I've run out of either spoons or fucks. Example: like the apostrophe key (') that I have to stop, hit with my ring finger, because the pinky won't reliably hit it yet. However I *can* type with both hands and 9/10 fingers which is a lot easier in some ways than voice to text and swype, or straight up one handed typing on the keyboard.

eh.

Promised the cat I'd go to bed ten minutes ago. So I will. It's getting chilly here, February at midnight, and enough typing that I'm looking forward to the pain meds I'm allowed. Have overdone it a bit.

fingers crossed, if the x rays come back good i should get the cast off today!!

This whole series is public, if you have any interest in fat folks getting more fit.

One thing I'm realizing/have realized about recovery from the old ACL injury and the surgery ten years after the original injury, is the degree to which the body adapts to such an injury. Ive been working out hard since 2011, first doing prehab, then surgery Nov 1, 2011, then post surgical rehab.

Old snarls and pains and general fucked upped ness persist for years. The injury persisted for years, it's just logical upon reflection, but i had some magical thinking going into the surgery four years ago... Not just about this, but about a number of things, regrettably.

Any road, four plus years of work has already been paying off, in strength, flexibility, confidence, stress management, and a slow but gradual improvement for most of my physical concerns.

Today, however, today was special. For context: Over the weekend i had an unwelcome sudden unexpected back spasm. Spasms like that have been really really uncommon since i started working out with trainers at the gym but used to happen ALL the time, both when i was injured and during my very sedentary, book lovin', inactive childhood. To repeat, since the knee surgery replaced the necessary ACL structure in my knee, i haven't been used to that kind of occurrence, not for around four years.

Today my body felt... Different. Easier. Like, even on both sides of my hips. Like, both legs feeling the *same*. And the tailbone thats been bothering me, also feels eased. Flexibility is surprisingly good today, i could put my foot on the top rail of the stretch barre, and i could squat further without feeling the danger!pain in my knee, hip, or hamstring.

I'm thinking now that maybe that brief back spasm might have been the last of the old adaptations, finally letting go now that the rest of my body has been strengthened and trained and appropriately balanced to do naturally what bodies are supposed to.

(Hint: it ain't sitting on my ass reading and silent for hours every day as i did during my childhood.)

*happy sigh* i love to move, now. It's a joyful thing.

"But if being abused is a curse, it is not an unbreakable one. Yes, the path of least resistance is to recapitulate the abuse one learned as a child, but that is not the only path."

THESE are passages from a post by siderea that I really recommend anyone read who had a difficult, abusive, or neglectful childhood, or who loves someone who falls into that category.

Another passage:

"This is what the work of breaking the cycle of abuse entails: re-examining the past with the full cognitive capacities of an adult so that you can re-evaluate and replace the understanding you have of the abuse you experienced, and seeking out, identifying, and remedying the holes in one's interpersonal (and other) functioning skills. The former is generally pretty painful in the short term, but leads to radically less suffering and increased peace of mind medium-term and long-term; the latter is an ongoing hassle but pays steady and compounding dividends of improved relations and social/business success.

But the first step, in general, is realizing that there's something to be done. By the adult who was abused as a child. On one hand, it does seem terribly unfair that the victim is the person who gets stuck with doing all this work if they want to be restored to their full powers, or at least as much of their full powers as may be available to them. Would that you could sue your abuser into giving you back the childhood they owed you!

But on the other hand, this is good news: the power to recover what was yours is in your own hands. You don't need anyone's permission. You don't need your abuser's permission or assistance. They don't have the power to withhold this from you. Yes, it sucks that you are the one that has to do the work, but what a relief that you get to be the one to do the work. Because the alternative is being dependent for your very psychological well-being on the good will of people who have demonstrated not much good will to you. So the realization that there is something you can do is liberating."


please see also my post in a similar vein, Metaphor for Fear.

I have yet another post on this that I want to share if I can find it, the one about having to deal with the fact that you have to shovel your own shit, no matter how you acquired it.

Made it to the gym, GO ME!

Actually spent close to two hours there. And I found the cojones to ask one of the trainers what else I could do about my plantar fasciitis. He was great. He's a runner, and has suffered from this himself.

He suggested: My Absolute FAVORITE thing (NOT!), to roll my leg muscles on the foam core roller (ow ow ow.)
But totally worth it. He said, roll outside thigh, AND inside thigh, AND top of the quads.

So I tried that after my 25 minutes on cardio and my various weight machines (forgot to do abductors THEN adductors, I need to remember that), and I found a nice quiet corner tucked up near the emergency exit, where I don't think a lot of people think to go. I rolled my back (ow) and then rolled on my legs (ow ow ow.) The upside of the rolling was an incredible-feeling delicious slow burn in my middle back and all down my legs for almost two hours afterwards.
But my foot hurt a lot less, immediately after rolling my body like that, and I feel a lot less tension in my legs and a lot less potential-pain in my feet. If that makes sense.

Trainer said foam core roller, and more active balance work. Like standing-twisting yoga poses, for example. That's a whole new realm of yoga for me, but I'm good with that. I *REALLY* want to get back to dancing, and am willing to do the work. He also suggested consistent warmups and stretching of calf and hams when I get up in the morning. I did that this morning and had a much easier time starting to walk around this morning, so I'm definitely inclined to do more of that.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Rhythm replaces strength. If I get to where I do these things regularly and don't even think about them, I'll just HAVE them. And that will be good. And hopefully, I will hurt less.

Good time with Jeff tonight, I made him dinner and we snuggled and watched THREE eps of Cowboy Bebop. I'll be sad when we watch them all. Then I tried the pilot of Supernatural. Really? REALLY? They HAD to do that? (no spoilers.) Just ugh. I might watch more of it with someone who was a big fan, but I don't think I'll seek it out again just by myself.

Now it's time for bed. I'll just find Girl Genius and then go brush teeth and get myself settled.
Baby Juggling tomorrow!

Got to the gym today. First time in over a week. I decreased all my weights for comfort and safety.
Pretty decent workout. I did something wrong though, my ribs hurt. Like for hours they hurt.

10 minutes on stationary bicycle (I /almost/ arrived in time for the yoga class!)
15 minutes doing yoga stretchy things (should have done weights then yoga stretchy things)
N minutes (unknown) on weights. Various for arms and shoulders, and then the traditional four machines for legs.

then some time cooling down on a yoga mat with a foam core roller. That's probably where I wonked my rib... I think I went diagonally on the roller (cos it felt good at my hip), the pressure may have been too much on the rib socket. How does one deal with a sprained(?) rib?

Went home, made salty spaghetti and sauteed shrimp in butter, garlic and onion, because the ramen place was closed. =/

Rib hurts 6 hours later. Taking one of the Good Drugs and hoping to sleep it off. Early morning tomorrow for a consult with the knee surgeon, this is ten months post-op. So I definitely want a good night's sleep.

wish me luck with the rib, and with braving *shudder* Bay Area rush hour traffic for a doctor's appointment on the other side of the Bay. Oy vey!

good night!