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Ok my back/hip/si joint was painful enough that I finally booked with my chiropractor, Larry, last Monday, a week ago today.
It took a longer than usual session because it's been about two years and a stressful election and an attempted coup and a deadly global pandemic since I saw him last...
But the ribs have expanded. Breathing is easier, I think. I've been doing zipper cracks of my lower spine, and the general body Bain has been much better.
I actually posted to FB something about the crazy endorphins I was high on, immediately post session. (Awesome.
But then this weekend my LEFT hip and si joint were excruciating the way the right had been, before the adjustment. And I just figured, maybe this was related to how my left side was a couple inches higher when I sit with that leg up in figure 4.
More compensating. But it was bad. Like any kind of rotation of that hip, especially load bearing: turn it pivot on that leg in the kitchen? OUCH!
And huh now I remember I had a hip-flexor or lower belly cramp and release while Jeff and I were in Mendocino last week... And generally moments like that have led to range of motion increase, and decreased pain...
But last night it was bad enough that I was fidgeting lots, trying to see if I could find the right stretch to release the pain. And then I dig out the flexiril and took one with the bedtime meds. That does tend to work well for me.
Sweet sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care, or something... 😉
Then this morning as I started to wake up and do the morning stretches, I felt something small go *poink* deep in my hip socket as something shifted. A tendon, maybe, I'm never exactly sure.
But when my muscles are strong and soft and limber, good things happen.
It's taken several major steps to get where I am after the injuries to my knee. Double sprai, one year apart (1997&1998). Then the actual ACL tear in 2007, and then finally surgery in November of 2011.
The body does amazing things to hold us together and let us function, when we're injured. That functionality often comes with a hefty cost of pain.
The first real relief came post knee surgery. My toes uncurled. My back and hip heaved a sigh of relief. I cried. I cried kind of a lot.
Other moments of pain and release have come at other logical times. Well. Logical in retrospect. One massive spasm and release came halfway through a weekend dance workshop in San Rafael, something like five years ago. I was sitting on the toilet 🚽 during the break and my hip flexor SEIZED. Holy Mary Mother of God, that hurt. The other dancers were asking was I okay and I was just cussing and saying that it was a muscle spasms. Which it was. I went back to the dance floor once it resolved itself, tenderly testing for pain and range of motion, and DAMN if I couldn't do several things more easily and with almost zero pain than I had, only an hour before the cramp....
And I have had multiple other breakthroughs of a similar type. Late last week, on our Mendocino trip, I'm realizing that I had almost the exact spasm, sitting in the car, as the San Rafael dance workshop spasm, after two days of gentle hiking 🥾...
I have a theory that my body holds onto tension until I prove that I can be trusted to work the support muscles appropriately, and enough to support the joint... And then the muscle agrees to let go of its death grip clench. Which got us by well enough for years, you know.
But the chiropractor, the hot 🛁 bathtub, the gentle movement, have worked to convince my LEFT hip that it could finally let go after... After many years.
Blessed be the body, and the bodymind as well. I'm grateful for my healers, my team.
And I'm grateful for my trust of myself, my hard won trust of my own body.
Thank goodness for the Age of Information, where I can look up anatomy details without going to the library and paging through huge tomes. If I want to learn about the psoas or the piriformis, I can just *click* *search* 🔍 *sort* *find* *read*.
Okay. Less sitting today, more gentle movement.
It took a longer than usual session because it's been about two years and a stressful election and an attempted coup and a deadly global pandemic since I saw him last...
But the ribs have expanded. Breathing is easier, I think. I've been doing zipper cracks of my lower spine, and the general body Bain has been much better.
I actually posted to FB something about the crazy endorphins I was high on, immediately post session. (Awesome.
But then this weekend my LEFT hip and si joint were excruciating the way the right had been, before the adjustment. And I just figured, maybe this was related to how my left side was a couple inches higher when I sit with that leg up in figure 4.
More compensating. But it was bad. Like any kind of rotation of that hip, especially load bearing: turn it pivot on that leg in the kitchen? OUCH!
And huh now I remember I had a hip-flexor or lower belly cramp and release while Jeff and I were in Mendocino last week... And generally moments like that have led to range of motion increase, and decreased pain...
But last night it was bad enough that I was fidgeting lots, trying to see if I could find the right stretch to release the pain. And then I dig out the flexiril and took one with the bedtime meds. That does tend to work well for me.
Sweet sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care, or something... 😉
Then this morning as I started to wake up and do the morning stretches, I felt something small go *poink* deep in my hip socket as something shifted. A tendon, maybe, I'm never exactly sure.
But when my muscles are strong and soft and limber, good things happen.
It's taken several major steps to get where I am after the injuries to my knee. Double sprai, one year apart (1997&1998). Then the actual ACL tear in 2007, and then finally surgery in November of 2011.
The body does amazing things to hold us together and let us function, when we're injured. That functionality often comes with a hefty cost of pain.
The first real relief came post knee surgery. My toes uncurled. My back and hip heaved a sigh of relief. I cried. I cried kind of a lot.
Other moments of pain and release have come at other logical times. Well. Logical in retrospect. One massive spasm and release came halfway through a weekend dance workshop in San Rafael, something like five years ago. I was sitting on the toilet 🚽 during the break and my hip flexor SEIZED. Holy Mary Mother of God, that hurt. The other dancers were asking was I okay and I was just cussing and saying that it was a muscle spasms. Which it was. I went back to the dance floor once it resolved itself, tenderly testing for pain and range of motion, and DAMN if I couldn't do several things more easily and with almost zero pain than I had, only an hour before the cramp....
And I have had multiple other breakthroughs of a similar type. Late last week, on our Mendocino trip, I'm realizing that I had almost the exact spasm, sitting in the car, as the San Rafael dance workshop spasm, after two days of gentle hiking 🥾...
I have a theory that my body holds onto tension until I prove that I can be trusted to work the support muscles appropriately, and enough to support the joint... And then the muscle agrees to let go of its death grip clench. Which got us by well enough for years, you know.
But the chiropractor, the hot 🛁 bathtub, the gentle movement, have worked to convince my LEFT hip that it could finally let go after... After many years.
Blessed be the body, and the bodymind as well. I'm grateful for my healers, my team.
And I'm grateful for my trust of myself, my hard won trust of my own body.
Thank goodness for the Age of Information, where I can look up anatomy details without going to the library and paging through huge tomes. If I want to learn about the psoas or the piriformis, I can just *click* *search* 🔍 *sort* *find* *read*.
Okay. Less sitting today, more gentle movement.
one of these ephemeral moments where i just got to express myself how i needed to, without trying to make a reasonable narrative in the moment.
i mean...
I don't have any conflicts or beefs right now aside from the ongoing /get that shithead out the white house/ that's all the time in my brain... life is holding steady. Jeff and I are pretty okay at the moment, with no real cracky or messy stuff on the horizon.
i did fine when he did an overnight with our Jenn, actually i really enjoyed having the bed and the house to myself for a bit... I stop myself from vocalizing when he's around, but when it's just me like it's been for about 5 years, i totally talk to myself all through the day. Discovered that i miss it some.
(that may be part of why i enjoyed the random download today with L.)
it was like an unspooling. or an untangling?
brain feels... tidier. smoother.
we covered a lot of ground, touched on a lot of issues for just a moment, long enough to acknowledge (past struggles to hold boundaries, to challenge authority figures, to stand up for myself) and metaphors (how The Patriarchy helped dislocate my ankle and my knee in two separate incidents, comment if you actually wanna know what i think about that)...
conclusion 1: I am more MYSELF when i get a chance to ramble and talk and allow the words to come out verbally, even more so than I am myself after taking time to write like /this/ on a screen. I spend a lot of time/effort holding my interior monologue on the interior.
conclusion 2: asking for someone's ear isn't a bad thing. asking for help is good, and a gift to the person who has the chance to help. Gods know *I* like to help!
conclusion 3: perhaps, possibly, our life is smooth enough (healthy enough? boring enough?) to discontinue sessions for the time being. Gonna think on that for a little bit.
i mean...
I don't have any conflicts or beefs right now aside from the ongoing /get that shithead out the white house/ that's all the time in my brain... life is holding steady. Jeff and I are pretty okay at the moment, with no real cracky or messy stuff on the horizon.
i did fine when he did an overnight with our Jenn, actually i really enjoyed having the bed and the house to myself for a bit... I stop myself from vocalizing when he's around, but when it's just me like it's been for about 5 years, i totally talk to myself all through the day. Discovered that i miss it some.
(that may be part of why i enjoyed the random download today with L.)
it was like an unspooling. or an untangling?
brain feels... tidier. smoother.
we covered a lot of ground, touched on a lot of issues for just a moment, long enough to acknowledge (past struggles to hold boundaries, to challenge authority figures, to stand up for myself) and metaphors (how The Patriarchy helped dislocate my ankle and my knee in two separate incidents, comment if you actually wanna know what i think about that)...
conclusion 1: I am more MYSELF when i get a chance to ramble and talk and allow the words to come out verbally, even more so than I am myself after taking time to write like /this/ on a screen. I spend a lot of time/effort holding my interior monologue on the interior.
conclusion 2: asking for someone's ear isn't a bad thing. asking for help is good, and a gift to the person who has the chance to help. Gods know *I* like to help!
conclusion 3: perhaps, possibly, our life is smooth enough (healthy enough? boring enough?) to discontinue sessions for the time being. Gonna think on that for a little bit.
Tags:
Last night's cyst bandage had a little blood on it! Which is good because vascularization is not something that cysts have, and I'm hoping that if there's blood moving through the "empty" space, the little microbuilders and microdestroyers in the blood will really dig in and remove/repurpose the remaining part of the cyst structure. (If you remember the proper name of the little guys above, please comment and remind me)
This morning (Happy November!) I changed the bandage after a short soak in the hot tub, and tried to express any fluid in the, what's more like a flat flap than like the bulging node of 8 weeks ago. I didn't get ANY of the cheesy yellow keratin, without pain I had a flow of actual blood, thin blood but red (Mwahahahah tough luck vampires) and it seems like my theory about vascularization may be correct. Bandaged it back up, gonna do more hot cups of tea held against my sternum today and see where we are tomorrow.
This morning (Happy November!) I changed the bandage after a short soak in the hot tub, and tried to express any fluid in the, what's more like a flat flap than like the bulging node of 8 weeks ago. I didn't get ANY of the cheesy yellow keratin, without pain I had a flow of actual blood, thin blood but red (Mwahahahah tough luck vampires) and it seems like my theory about vascularization may be correct. Bandaged it back up, gonna do more hot cups of tea held against my sternum today and see where we are tomorrow.
I probably have another post with this title. Important stuff, I have to learn over. And over and over.
Sex and shame are inextricably linked in this incredibly puritanical culture, especially for AFAB people.
You learn it young via jokes on the elementary school playground, books you're not supposed to read, shows your parents watch that you're not supposed to understand. Comics.
And now the wonders of the internet, she said sarcastically, offering new ways to shame women and other folks for daring to have desire, to want pleasure, to demand respect and honesty and trust and respect AND sex. And Good Sex.
How dare we.
It's an old tangle, and talking about something with such pernicious roots, both personally and socially, means it's really fuckin' difficult to talk about, even in a good supportive loving trustworthy relationship, even after close to 3 decades of therapy, processing, reflection.
So today I'm saying, I CLAIM THAT SHIT.
I CLAIM DESIRE. I CLAIM PLEASURE. I CLAIM SELF SOVEREIGNTY.
Finally I'm dropping whatever shame remains from this and past relationships' sexual mismatches and dysfunction. I'm dropping my shame about self-pleasure while partnered. I'm composting my shame and fear about my partner's desire and turn ons being opaque to me, and I'll have the fun I want and need to have.
when I invite him (or others) to join me, I won't have the resentment that comes up when my desire is stale and desperate.
I want to be fresh and flexible and agile. More spontaneous, more self nourishing.
That old lesson about filling your own cup first? Yeahhhhhhh I have not been good at doing that in this realm, and it's poisoned a lot of my relationships, left me with a chronic feeling of lack and inadequacy.
I am enough. I'm gonna be good to myself and then let that spill over.
*+*+*+*+*
Relatedly, I'm writing daily this month for Kinktober (which is now showing up in autosuggestion, and that tickles me.) Part of my goal to keep the writing going is to let myself feel my own sexual, sensual, sweet, loving, tender, and playful imagination.
I can't remember if I've linked my archive of our own page back on my profile, but if you like kinky shit search for this username on AO3, riffle through my fic, my tags and bookmarks, and have fun! There's gonna be a TON of new content on the internet this month for folks who love a kinky premise.
😛➰😁✒️🥰👌😯
Sex and shame are inextricably linked in this incredibly puritanical culture, especially for AFAB people.
You learn it young via jokes on the elementary school playground, books you're not supposed to read, shows your parents watch that you're not supposed to understand. Comics.
And now the wonders of the internet, she said sarcastically, offering new ways to shame women and other folks for daring to have desire, to want pleasure, to demand respect and honesty and trust and respect AND sex. And Good Sex.
How dare we.
It's an old tangle, and talking about something with such pernicious roots, both personally and socially, means it's really fuckin' difficult to talk about, even in a good supportive loving trustworthy relationship, even after close to 3 decades of therapy, processing, reflection.
So today I'm saying, I CLAIM THAT SHIT.
I CLAIM DESIRE. I CLAIM PLEASURE. I CLAIM SELF SOVEREIGNTY.
Finally I'm dropping whatever shame remains from this and past relationships' sexual mismatches and dysfunction. I'm dropping my shame about self-pleasure while partnered. I'm composting my shame and fear about my partner's desire and turn ons being opaque to me, and I'll have the fun I want and need to have.
when I invite him (or others) to join me, I won't have the resentment that comes up when my desire is stale and desperate.
I want to be fresh and flexible and agile. More spontaneous, more self nourishing.
That old lesson about filling your own cup first? Yeahhhhhhh I have not been good at doing that in this realm, and it's poisoned a lot of my relationships, left me with a chronic feeling of lack and inadequacy.
I am enough. I'm gonna be good to myself and then let that spill over.
*+*+*+*+*
Relatedly, I'm writing daily this month for Kinktober (which is now showing up in autosuggestion, and that tickles me.) Part of my goal to keep the writing going is to let myself feel my own sexual, sensual, sweet, loving, tender, and playful imagination.
I can't remember if I've linked my archive of our own page back on my profile, but if you like kinky shit search for this username on AO3, riffle through my fic, my tags and bookmarks, and have fun! There's gonna be a TON of new content on the internet this month for folks who love a kinky premise.
😛➰😁✒️🥰👌😯
Tags:
YAY: decent night sleep, banana and limeade for breakfast.
YAY: we got our flu shots on Monday afternoon!
BOO: hips legs and shoulders creaky, ditto spine. I suspect a minor and manageable aftereffect from the flu shot
YAY: after working out with Etty today, she told me to get the foam core roller and roll my back upper and lower, my hips, inner thighs (OW FUCK) AND I ACTUALLY DID IT and feel 27 times better.
BOO: had to do the morning pee cleanup and floor washing again after Tribble pissed on the floor outside the box AGAIN
YAY: got an Rx to help kitty with pain and bloody urine dots
BOO: OMG she sounds like an angry garbage disposal when we give it to her (every 12 hours, coming up on time now
YAY: my cyst is draining!
YAY: hydrocolloid bandages are amazing! The goo is just being sucked up out of the cyst and into the bandage!
YAY: I'm photographing the stages of drainage, it's awesome and gross! (SCIENCE!)
BOO: Had to move my car across the street because the house one over from ours is being demoed.
YAY: I was 6 hours late moving it and didn't get a ticket!
BOO: they haven't started DOING anything yet. *sigh*
YAY: First lunch is 🥭 mango with coconut 🥥 coconut sticky rice and more limeade.
Second lunch TBD.
YAY: we got our flu shots on Monday afternoon!
BOO: hips legs and shoulders creaky, ditto spine. I suspect a minor and manageable aftereffect from the flu shot
YAY: after working out with Etty today, she told me to get the foam core roller and roll my back upper and lower, my hips, inner thighs (OW FUCK) AND I ACTUALLY DID IT and feel 27 times better.
BOO: had to do the morning pee cleanup and floor washing again after Tribble pissed on the floor outside the box AGAIN
YAY: got an Rx to help kitty with pain and bloody urine dots
BOO: OMG she sounds like an angry garbage disposal when we give it to her (every 12 hours, coming up on time now
YAY: my cyst is draining!
YAY: hydrocolloid bandages are amazing! The goo is just being sucked up out of the cyst and into the bandage!
YAY: I'm photographing the stages of drainage, it's awesome and gross! (SCIENCE!)
BOO: Had to move my car across the street because the house one over from ours is being demoed.
YAY: I was 6 hours late moving it and didn't get a ticket!
BOO: they haven't started DOING anything yet. *sigh*
YAY: First lunch is 🥭 mango with coconut 🥥 coconut sticky rice and more limeade.
Second lunch TBD.
Today i let my therapist go.
I feel really good about this. Solid, confident, like this cycle of healing is done and I'm ready to be challenged by the next lessons in creativity, compassion, and empathy. \m/
I feel really good about this. Solid, confident, like this cycle of healing is done and I'm ready to be challenged by the next lessons in creativity, compassion, and empathy. \m/
Tags:
Been trying to take care of my knee. I think I'm doing a good job. I went dragging and trawling through my email account yesterday and found the notice from my doctor about getting the MRI done and gently chastising me for missing my appointment. And then the imaging department also sent me an email with information about how to reschedule my appointment that I had missed. That was good of them That was well done. So I phoned in according to the instruction and I now have an appointment for next Tuesday, in the evening. And I was talking with my trainer about this today during my workout with her, and she said you don't need to have an MRI done and I said this is true, but, and I realized this in the moment that I spoke? That I need the information so that I can do what's necessary to take care of my body and manage pain and try not to damage it any further if I can avoid that. If I need to wear a brace, I will wear a brace. If I need to go to physical therapy, I will go to physical therapy. It's funny that it took me 40 years to value my own body and only in the last 10 have I really been kind to it, and to myself as a whole: not just the body but the body mind heart spirit.
They say, when you know better, do better. I'm doing that.
They say, when you know better, do better. I'm doing that.
Tags:
Otter is doing better! The doctor found out that his blood tests were fairly good, after a week out of the hospital, and then including his blood sugars! As follow up, she instructed me to start feeding him the kidney support food, instead of the diabetic support food and, what do you know he started eating again! And he has energy, he's even peeing more reliably in the cat box, he's clambring back up on the furniture, he's bothering us gently when he wants to eat. It is such a f****** relief.
It was probably something I needed to do. Like, I'm not glad that I had that time of despair, and several days of anguish and mourning him before he even died.
But I'm so good at denial. I'm so good at denial that I had somehow convinced myself that I would never have to deal with them dying. That things would always be the same. That they would always be there for me. And then its simply not the case. ☹️
I hope I didn't traumatize any of y'all in expressing my grief and worry and despair. And while I'm glad that my Otter is better, I needed to break my disbelief, I needed to stop denying that this is something that *will*, will eventually happen, and I need to be able to deal with it without completely falling to pieces. There will be jobs to do, when they do finally pass. There will be all of the everyday jobs, on top of the additional "now I have to deal with a funeral type arrangements".
I let myself feel all the feelings. Let myself be open to the feelings that are natural when you suffer a loss of someone that you love. And this is huge, for me.
This week (April 28th) is the 25th anniversary of my dad's passing. And I couldn't grieve him for the most part of a decade. I spent 9 years angry at him for everything that he didn't do for us, for himself. It took me 9 years to get out of the anger stage of grief and into The sadness and the other parts.
The fact that I can actually grieve like a healthy person, that's a really good sign for me. And now, while I know it's going to wreck me, I have learned enough about what you can do when a beloved pet dies, and I'm not afraid of that anymore. I know what I will need to do and I will be able to handle it even if I am an emotional wreck.
So yeah. I learned a thing or two. And he's still with us, and I'm still taking care of him. And I'm glad he's still around, and so is my husband.
It was probably something I needed to do. Like, I'm not glad that I had that time of despair, and several days of anguish and mourning him before he even died.
But I'm so good at denial. I'm so good at denial that I had somehow convinced myself that I would never have to deal with them dying. That things would always be the same. That they would always be there for me. And then its simply not the case. ☹️
I hope I didn't traumatize any of y'all in expressing my grief and worry and despair. And while I'm glad that my Otter is better, I needed to break my disbelief, I needed to stop denying that this is something that *will*, will eventually happen, and I need to be able to deal with it without completely falling to pieces. There will be jobs to do, when they do finally pass. There will be all of the everyday jobs, on top of the additional "now I have to deal with a funeral type arrangements".
I let myself feel all the feelings. Let myself be open to the feelings that are natural when you suffer a loss of someone that you love. And this is huge, for me.
This week (April 28th) is the 25th anniversary of my dad's passing. And I couldn't grieve him for the most part of a decade. I spent 9 years angry at him for everything that he didn't do for us, for himself. It took me 9 years to get out of the anger stage of grief and into The sadness and the other parts.
The fact that I can actually grieve like a healthy person, that's a really good sign for me. And now, while I know it's going to wreck me, I have learned enough about what you can do when a beloved pet dies, and I'm not afraid of that anymore. I know what I will need to do and I will be able to handle it even if I am an emotional wreck.
So yeah. I learned a thing or two. And he's still with us, and I'm still taking care of him. And I'm glad he's still around, and so is my husband.
Tags:
whoops I missed a day
i might have gotten ridiculously PISSED OFF AND DISTRACTED BY POLITICS this weekend GODDAMMIT
*ahem*
Day 6: Prompt: Ghost
Lives I never lived:
Memories of Might-have-beens.
Imagining filled in the blanks...
*
It is what WAS. But, you see...
What I'd hoped for is no longer real.
What WAS became What IS by different paths
Than my expectations and dreams once mapped out.
*
This life is a good life.
I've no need for ghosts of former dreams.
Who I am now came about because of paths I trod,
And trees I climbed, bones I broke and set and healed.
*
I'm older now. Wiser? Perhaps.
Sometimes afraid, sometimes fearless.
I've banished those old ghostly not-quite-selves
And I open the gate and step into the light of NOW.
*
whoops, wrote these out of order. But it was good for my head. Ending on a hopeful note for the night.
i might have gotten ridiculously PISSED OFF AND DISTRACTED BY POLITICS this weekend GODDAMMIT
*ahem*
Day 6: Prompt: Ghost
Lives I never lived:
Memories of Might-have-beens.
Imagining filled in the blanks...
*
It is what WAS. But, you see...
What I'd hoped for is no longer real.
What WAS became What IS by different paths
Than my expectations and dreams once mapped out.
*
This life is a good life.
I've no need for ghosts of former dreams.
Who I am now came about because of paths I trod,
And trees I climbed, bones I broke and set and healed.
*
I'm older now. Wiser? Perhaps.
Sometimes afraid, sometimes fearless.
I've banished those old ghostly not-quite-selves
And I open the gate and step into the light of NOW.
*
whoops, wrote these out of order. But it was good for my head. Ending on a hopeful note for the night.
for Inktober, a meme crossed my dash on FB
i wanna write short pieces for each of them
day 1 is Witch
I didn't plan to become a witch
but the pain was too much
and it had to go somewhere
you flayed me open
pushed inside and
burned my heart
I pulled myself back together
grasping at ragged frayed edges
of my dignity and personhood
and then I finally got home:
told you what I thought of you
and burned the last vestiges in the sink.
wiping all of your fingerprints off
may never be completely finished
because fuck this stupid world anyway
getting bad-touched again and again
till you can say no and mean it
and make it stick (goddamn those who push straight to hell)
goddamn me too; I try to do right/write/rite
without the language to call it what it is
and so I study the secret words.
Power. Words are Power.
Name it. Hold it still.
And someday? it will do as you will.
i wanna write short pieces for each of them
day 1 is Witch
I didn't plan to become a witch
but the pain was too much
and it had to go somewhere
you flayed me open
pushed inside and
burned my heart
I pulled myself back together
grasping at ragged frayed edges
of my dignity and personhood
and then I finally got home:
told you what I thought of you
and burned the last vestiges in the sink.
wiping all of your fingerprints off
may never be completely finished
because fuck this stupid world anyway
getting bad-touched again and again
till you can say no and mean it
and make it stick (goddamn those who push straight to hell)
goddamn me too; I try to do right/write/rite
without the language to call it what it is
and so I study the secret words.
Power. Words are Power.
Name it. Hold it still.
And someday? it will do as you will.
Tags:
wow. Busy fuckin' month, actually.
i started September with Burning Man and ended September with a flight home after a week in new york.
in between all that personal stuff (packing and unpacking, making memories and food and friends) the USA exploded again
these hearings for rage flailing alcoholic brett kavanaugh have got me and a lot of other people triggered AF.
the ONLY good thing about it is how everyone is actually talking about sexual assault, microaggressions, and shit like the gendered language and gendered biases a lot of us have never examined thoroughly before now.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/movies/news/catherine-hardwicke-broke-records-with-‘twilight’-then-hollywood-labeled-her-‘difficult’
^^^ one article i just read where gender bias and gendered language ... shit i don't even really have the words for THIS. Prevented a qualified director from other jobs she was PRETTY DAMN FUCKING QUALIFIED FOR. So that the jobs could all get given to men.
so women (& other non-men) are finally looking at and expressing their rage. over a lifetime of bullshit that's been dumped on them. and the good men are listening.
But a lot of men are being dicks about everything and trying to sweep this tidal wave of uncovered feeling, back into the sea.
*smirk* Good luck with that boys! hah
I did not have the language to talk about my own sexual assault when i was 21. I didn't even realize it WAS a sexual assault, a violation of my no, an intentional boundary breach, for almost a year afterwards.
my college had a Take Back The Night rally. this was fall of 1991.
I remember some fuckin dudebros. Our chant as we marched was "whatever we wear, where ever we go, yes means yes and no means no!"
the fuckin dudebros yell back from the shadows, "no means yes, yes means anal!"
*fuming, 27 years later*
Our basic assumptions are DIFFERENT AS FUCK. Because "Patriarchy? you're SOAKING IN IT!"
i have a lot, a LOT of feelings about all of this shit. Kavanaugh is being brought face to face with his own privilege and is being called OUT on the damage his thoughtless actions caused... but the same kind of calling out didn't prevent 45 from being inaugurated (I'm NOT going to say ELECTED because he WASN'T).
So much to do! Thank fuck for therapy. I'm going to make concrete plans to hang out more often with women and other folks who are also enraged and ready to take action.
***I'll try to come back and write in more detail about all the amazing things I got to do and see in September, part of why the braindump is needed here is to acknowledge recent fucked-upness and to revisit it when I have more of a plan.
i started September with Burning Man and ended September with a flight home after a week in new york.
in between all that personal stuff (packing and unpacking, making memories and food and friends) the USA exploded again
these hearings for rage flailing alcoholic brett kavanaugh have got me and a lot of other people triggered AF.
the ONLY good thing about it is how everyone is actually talking about sexual assault, microaggressions, and shit like the gendered language and gendered biases a lot of us have never examined thoroughly before now.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/movies/news/catherine-hardwicke-broke-records-with-‘twilight’-then-hollywood-labeled-her-‘difficult’
^^^ one article i just read where gender bias and gendered language ... shit i don't even really have the words for THIS. Prevented a qualified director from other jobs she was PRETTY DAMN FUCKING QUALIFIED FOR. So that the jobs could all get given to men.
so women (& other non-men) are finally looking at and expressing their rage. over a lifetime of bullshit that's been dumped on them. and the good men are listening.
But a lot of men are being dicks about everything and trying to sweep this tidal wave of uncovered feeling, back into the sea.
*smirk* Good luck with that boys! hah
I did not have the language to talk about my own sexual assault when i was 21. I didn't even realize it WAS a sexual assault, a violation of my no, an intentional boundary breach, for almost a year afterwards.
my college had a Take Back The Night rally. this was fall of 1991.
I remember some fuckin dudebros. Our chant as we marched was "whatever we wear, where ever we go, yes means yes and no means no!"
the fuckin dudebros yell back from the shadows, "no means yes, yes means anal!"
*fuming, 27 years later*
Our basic assumptions are DIFFERENT AS FUCK. Because "Patriarchy? you're SOAKING IN IT!"
i have a lot, a LOT of feelings about all of this shit. Kavanaugh is being brought face to face with his own privilege and is being called OUT on the damage his thoughtless actions caused... but the same kind of calling out didn't prevent 45 from being inaugurated (I'm NOT going to say ELECTED because he WASN'T).
So much to do! Thank fuck for therapy. I'm going to make concrete plans to hang out more often with women and other folks who are also enraged and ready to take action.
***I'll try to come back and write in more detail about all the amazing things I got to do and see in September, part of why the braindump is needed here is to acknowledge recent fucked-upness and to revisit it when I have more of a plan.
Tags:
wow.
mom's in hospital, i'm spending my second night on the built in window seat bed in her room (thank all kind gods she's got a private room omg)
and thank all kind gods i can stick around to be here and cheer her up and advocate for her
and thank Jeff for being supportive of me doing this.
she went in for a bypass surgery. a heart bypass, I think? but the incision is down by her hip in her lower abdominal muscles... and then in a freak of nature her intestines decided to make a break for it and herniated themselves trying to push themselves out through her other sutures.
i know. I'm going "WUT" all the time too.
so after four days of vomiting up All The Things and not pooping, they finally did the right kind of xray or scan and found the hernia, and rushed her into surgery early sunday morning. So she's had two surgeries in a week, and has been in the hospital for eight days straight.
my mom is a bad ass though and her main nurse has encouraged her to "be the squeaky wheel" and she's advocating for herself pretty good.
I'm proud of her.
mom's in hospital, i'm spending my second night on the built in window seat bed in her room (thank all kind gods she's got a private room omg)
and thank all kind gods i can stick around to be here and cheer her up and advocate for her
and thank Jeff for being supportive of me doing this.
she went in for a bypass surgery. a heart bypass, I think? but the incision is down by her hip in her lower abdominal muscles... and then in a freak of nature her intestines decided to make a break for it and herniated themselves trying to push themselves out through her other sutures.
i know. I'm going "WUT" all the time too.
so after four days of vomiting up All The Things and not pooping, they finally did the right kind of xray or scan and found the hernia, and rushed her into surgery early sunday morning. So she's had two surgeries in a week, and has been in the hospital for eight days straight.
my mom is a bad ass though and her main nurse has encouraged her to "be the squeaky wheel" and she's advocating for herself pretty good.
I'm proud of her.
Here's some food for thought.
If we're lucky to live long enough, our bodies will, even MUST start failing us.
That's what bodies DO, they eventually end.
Sometimes it's liver, lungs, heart, or endocrine system, or something else.
Sometimes it's the brain.
Could we all just agree to stop being blame-slinging assholes to people when their bodies fail? Or to people who are sad when someone else's body fails?
K Thanks.
If we're lucky to live long enough, our bodies will, even MUST start failing us.
That's what bodies DO, they eventually end.
Sometimes it's liver, lungs, heart, or endocrine system, or something else.
Sometimes it's the brain.
Could we all just agree to stop being blame-slinging assholes to people when their bodies fail? Or to people who are sad when someone else's body fails?
K Thanks.
Tags:
I've hardly written anything ANYWHERE for three weeks or more because my whole bodymind has been dealing with stress from this Bell's Palsy.
Physical therapy is coming along well, I think. I'm trying to make sure I work my muscles multiple times a day. this is where it's unfortunate that I WFH because i see less people, and speech and expression are actually crucial parts of PT, doing more of what you need to be doing is the ideal PT.
Embarrassing shit about Bell's has included: having to use my fingertip to blink my eye (called a "manual blink"). Leaking liquid I'm drinking out of the weak side of my lips, until i figured out how to cup my tongue to the roof of my mouth and drink in small sips. Large gulps lead to leakage, still, sometimes, though after three weeks.
Also it's not like anyone is ever there to see it because we only have one bathroom sink so Jeff and I take turns brushing our teeth, but when your lips don't work right you can't SPIT cleanly. Dribbling out your mouth ugh
I'm glad i came to terms with my own fidgety nature a long time ago, because i have no shame or hesitation in massaging my own face whenever it's sore, or whenever i think about it. Massage helps with the blood flow and the stiffness/inflexibility.
i'm pretty proud of the fact that I continue to troubleshoot my own face. (I need to figure out what kind of band "troubleshoot your face" would be the band name for) By observing and analyzing what muscles make which expressions, I'm learning a lot about the practical things for my anatomy... did you know that your eyebrows raising activates muscles buried under your hair?
I did not know that until yesterday. So I'm working on things there.
Made it to Dance class last night. the Refuge class is a moving meditation class (which reminds me, I need to send a link on moving meditation to my trainer, who thought meditation was only about sitting still). We dance, sit, walk, dance, sit, walk, dance, sit. Claire brings music that consistently something surprises me, and something is familiar, every time. I love it.
I shared at the end of class (our last Sit is followed by an Integration Circle) about being grateful for class being a safe place to Show Up Imperfect (also it's a good place to Dance Ugly), and how my body betrayed me and broke the half of my face temporarily... J came up to me after when we were breaking down and said, what's it called, what happened to you? I say Bell's Palsy. He says, you know, I had that in 2012 after I was finishing chemotherapy? I was like whoa. He says It seemed kinda unfair that that got piled on on top of chemotherapy, and I agreed with him. Sounds like his Bell's episode was milder than mine, thank goodness.
Claire told me that she'd been worried about me (I've been sharing some of my stuff on facebook). I thanked her and said it was good to be back, and that I was happy about my own progress... that there was even a silver lining in that I'd had to take prednisone for the Bell's. I don't understand what exactly steroids do, but my muscles all felt lubricated and luscious and moved well while I was on the prednisone. And a bunch of the hitches and sticky muscles and joints? Just slid, released, let go. I can squat all the way down now! my shoulder and my hand from where I broke my hand NYE 2016, all that shit let go! my lower back and my hip let go!
Claire said, well, that is a nice silver lining about a shitty situation.
I haven't called it a shitty situation because I need to keep positive to keep going because I cannot allow the alternative. I cannot NOT keep going, you know?
But it is, has been, kind of a shitty situation.
Thing is. The Thing Is, that if we are lucky enough to live so long, our bodies will start to fail us in varied and unpredictable ways. We can't control it, so we shouldn't be ashamed of it.
We can only do as much as we can do. We can only fix what we can fix. WE can try to choose our attitude, but sometimes you gotta cry and rail against the gods, you know what I mean? And that's totally okay.
I'm crying and sweating as needed. I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm pretty proud of my own determination and my relatively new habits of self-care.
Keep on keeping on.
Physical therapy is coming along well, I think. I'm trying to make sure I work my muscles multiple times a day. this is where it's unfortunate that I WFH because i see less people, and speech and expression are actually crucial parts of PT, doing more of what you need to be doing is the ideal PT.
Embarrassing shit about Bell's has included: having to use my fingertip to blink my eye (called a "manual blink"). Leaking liquid I'm drinking out of the weak side of my lips, until i figured out how to cup my tongue to the roof of my mouth and drink in small sips. Large gulps lead to leakage, still, sometimes, though after three weeks.
Also it's not like anyone is ever there to see it because we only have one bathroom sink so Jeff and I take turns brushing our teeth, but when your lips don't work right you can't SPIT cleanly. Dribbling out your mouth ugh
I'm glad i came to terms with my own fidgety nature a long time ago, because i have no shame or hesitation in massaging my own face whenever it's sore, or whenever i think about it. Massage helps with the blood flow and the stiffness/inflexibility.
i'm pretty proud of the fact that I continue to troubleshoot my own face. (I need to figure out what kind of band "troubleshoot your face" would be the band name for) By observing and analyzing what muscles make which expressions, I'm learning a lot about the practical things for my anatomy... did you know that your eyebrows raising activates muscles buried under your hair?
I did not know that until yesterday. So I'm working on things there.
Made it to Dance class last night. the Refuge class is a moving meditation class (which reminds me, I need to send a link on moving meditation to my trainer, who thought meditation was only about sitting still). We dance, sit, walk, dance, sit, walk, dance, sit. Claire brings music that consistently something surprises me, and something is familiar, every time. I love it.
I shared at the end of class (our last Sit is followed by an Integration Circle) about being grateful for class being a safe place to Show Up Imperfect (also it's a good place to Dance Ugly), and how my body betrayed me and broke the half of my face temporarily... J came up to me after when we were breaking down and said, what's it called, what happened to you? I say Bell's Palsy. He says, you know, I had that in 2012 after I was finishing chemotherapy? I was like whoa. He says It seemed kinda unfair that that got piled on on top of chemotherapy, and I agreed with him. Sounds like his Bell's episode was milder than mine, thank goodness.
Claire told me that she'd been worried about me (I've been sharing some of my stuff on facebook). I thanked her and said it was good to be back, and that I was happy about my own progress... that there was even a silver lining in that I'd had to take prednisone for the Bell's. I don't understand what exactly steroids do, but my muscles all felt lubricated and luscious and moved well while I was on the prednisone. And a bunch of the hitches and sticky muscles and joints? Just slid, released, let go. I can squat all the way down now! my shoulder and my hand from where I broke my hand NYE 2016, all that shit let go! my lower back and my hip let go!
Claire said, well, that is a nice silver lining about a shitty situation.
I haven't called it a shitty situation because I need to keep positive to keep going because I cannot allow the alternative. I cannot NOT keep going, you know?
But it is, has been, kind of a shitty situation.
Thing is. The Thing Is, that if we are lucky enough to live so long, our bodies will start to fail us in varied and unpredictable ways. We can't control it, so we shouldn't be ashamed of it.
We can only do as much as we can do. We can only fix what we can fix. WE can try to choose our attitude, but sometimes you gotta cry and rail against the gods, you know what I mean? And that's totally okay.
I'm crying and sweating as needed. I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm pretty proud of my own determination and my relatively new habits of self-care.
Keep on keeping on.
Tags:
y'all, if you've broken yourself and you still have pain, may I recommend seeing a good chiropractor?
*emphasis on GOOD*
I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)
Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.
tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.
y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!
and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.
I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.
but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.
healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.
I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.
Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.
*emphasis on GOOD*
I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)
Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.
tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.
y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!
and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.
I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.
but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.
healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.
I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.
Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.
Tags:
This morning I wake up and at least my hand isn't swollen and I can basically close my fingers into a fist. The last two joints of the pinky are still swollen and sore and my ring finger is sore and doesn't want to curl up completely. Shoulders are tight, glad I've been spending the time with the theracane under my shoulder blade and the back of my arm... consistently tight muscles back there, hurt. Have trouble putting my arms behind my back or doing any much back there especially anything that needs strength or precision. Today's Thursday and is better than earlier this week. Monday dance I made a point of trying to extend my arms out and back from the shoulder sockets and explore flexibility in dance context. My shit is still sore but a little bit better. It keeps swinging between fuck this hurts and well that almost doesn't hurt.
*Sigh* tired o all the PT I've been doing. Looking forward to seeing the chiropractor tomorrow, as he usually manages to release a ton of musculoskeletal tension for me and usually the pain is significant ly better for awhile. Pain sucks and I've been cracking my neck a couple of times per day. Shoulder has been hitching up and forward and it just throws me back into the cycle of pain.
*Sigh* tired o all the PT I've been doing. Looking forward to seeing the chiropractor tomorrow, as he usually manages to release a ton of musculoskeletal tension for me and usually the pain is significant ly better for awhile. Pain sucks and I've been cracking my neck a couple of times per day. Shoulder has been hitching up and forward and it just throws me back into the cycle of pain.
Tags:
- healing,
- ow,
- pain,
- pt exercise
Okay y'all, I was going through my posts to do with the car wreck of 12/31/16 where my wrist was broken and realized I haven't talked about it in quite some time.
I'm largely good. Still wouldn't call it 100%, and I've definitely still got some collateral damage that requires work and balancing, (muscle adhesions and stiffness and such stuff that developed further up the arm and shoulder from the initial injury and then from the immobilization) but I'm definitely functional. Call this halfway through month 8.
I can do most of the things I need to do in my life, but my shoulders get tired, tense and I got a couple of muscle knots that keep recurring under my shoulder blade. I've got some muscular tension under the ulna pretty well constantly, but it's more discomfort than pain. The pinky aches, like right now with typing, I can't hit the "p" or the quote mark with my pinky. I've adapted and use my ring finger instead. I'd definitely like to do that again, but I'm okay where I am right now.
I think I'm healed enough to go see my chiropractor, Larry, for the pain and inflexibility again. I'm hoping he can help me with the tendon on the last joint of the pinky. It feels like it's ... off track? does that make sense? Like there should be something to do that would click it back "in place" and then the mobility would be better and all.
Hand strength is pretty good, almost normal again. I can pull four plates at a time out of the dishwasher in each hand again! (that's so fun.) Still seeing our massage therapist twice a month and will for as long as she's still living locally. IDK what I'm gonna do if she actually does move away. Nadine is a motherfuckin' BEAUTY, a real treasure.
Still working out twice a week, everything's working there. My core strength, legs and back are in good shape, and I can hold myself up on my hands for some of the exercises. I can definitely hang from the TRX straps to do inverted rows and I LOVE that... I need to push myself back into yoga; last time I checked I could actually DO the basic inversions like Down Dog with only mild discomfort, and yoga is so good for the whole integration of my body, stretching and elongating *sigh* ... still trying to get out to dance at least once a week...
Got some more good stuff moving in my life, but I think I'll try and make that a separate post.
*waves bye so she can eat dinner and go to a dance meditation class*
I'm largely good. Still wouldn't call it 100%, and I've definitely still got some collateral damage that requires work and balancing, (muscle adhesions and stiffness and such stuff that developed further up the arm and shoulder from the initial injury and then from the immobilization) but I'm definitely functional. Call this halfway through month 8.
I can do most of the things I need to do in my life, but my shoulders get tired, tense and I got a couple of muscle knots that keep recurring under my shoulder blade. I've got some muscular tension under the ulna pretty well constantly, but it's more discomfort than pain. The pinky aches, like right now with typing, I can't hit the "p" or the quote mark with my pinky. I've adapted and use my ring finger instead. I'd definitely like to do that again, but I'm okay where I am right now.
I think I'm healed enough to go see my chiropractor, Larry, for the pain and inflexibility again. I'm hoping he can help me with the tendon on the last joint of the pinky. It feels like it's ... off track? does that make sense? Like there should be something to do that would click it back "in place" and then the mobility would be better and all.
Hand strength is pretty good, almost normal again. I can pull four plates at a time out of the dishwasher in each hand again! (that's so fun.) Still seeing our massage therapist twice a month and will for as long as she's still living locally. IDK what I'm gonna do if she actually does move away. Nadine is a motherfuckin' BEAUTY, a real treasure.
Still working out twice a week, everything's working there. My core strength, legs and back are in good shape, and I can hold myself up on my hands for some of the exercises. I can definitely hang from the TRX straps to do inverted rows and I LOVE that... I need to push myself back into yoga; last time I checked I could actually DO the basic inversions like Down Dog with only mild discomfort, and yoga is so good for the whole integration of my body, stretching and elongating *sigh* ... still trying to get out to dance at least once a week...
Got some more good stuff moving in my life, but I think I'll try and make that a separate post.
*waves bye so she can eat dinner and go to a dance meditation class*
Tags:
Having this broken hand , has been a whole exercise in how to put up with doing things imperfectly. (she says as she edits the post)
Dictation at the moment, speech-to-text, it's one of the accommodations I started using pretty early on in the healing process after breaking the base of my pinky and top off of my radius my right hand , on New Year's Eve. Doing things imperfectly doesn't come easy to me. More prone to refusing to try to do something. I'm more likely to give up easy after trying to do something if it doesn't come easy. One positive thing for me about the ADHD: learning that that's a trait! it's a thing about the way that this kind of brain works.
But actually I was swimming (wtf? not even close to what I said) to post about this today because had a lovely visit with Allison and Fritz , including a delicious dinner, a seriously delicious dinner. But something about walking into their house today for some reason gave me an insight into something new that I needed to do for my hand? I suddenly flashed on there was a new place to try to massage and stretch that I hadn't tried before.
Maybe this has to do somehow with Alison being a massage therapist but anyway I found some incredibly painful and Incredibly needed places in between my fingers to massage right at the point where the fingers' flesh joins each other to become the hand and had a breakthrough! (sudden breakup/breakdown of incredibly tight fascia according to Alison.)
I woke up a little while ago or half woke up cuz it's quarter to 5 in the morning right now, full moon is still out and shining through the bedroom window, I woke myself up massaging my hand again and doing Hand Therapy again. It feels different now, than it did yesterday because of the work I was figuring out how to do today and then Allison worked on my hand a little bit too which also helped and she had a heating kind of massage oil which seems to be very effective so high hopes for the flexibility in the healing of my hand and arm to maybe we've turned up what do they call it maybe I've turned a corner? I think that's the right turn of phrase so I just wanted to get up, empty my brain for a minute, and I'm going to have to edit this later because speech to text never works perfectly.
Hopefully I'll be able to go get some more sleep now. And forgive all the weird word choices from this very very stream of consciousness post. And wish me well with my hand? Suddenly feeling much less angra vated (wtf speech to text that's not even a word?) AGGRAVATED with it and the long long time it has been taking to heal.
thanks for listening.
Dictation at the moment, speech-to-text, it's one of the accommodations I started using pretty early on in the healing process after breaking the base of my pinky and top off of my radius my right hand , on New Year's Eve. Doing things imperfectly doesn't come easy to me. More prone to refusing to try to do something. I'm more likely to give up easy after trying to do something if it doesn't come easy. One positive thing for me about the ADHD: learning that that's a trait! it's a thing about the way that this kind of brain works.
But actually I was swimming (wtf? not even close to what I said) to post about this today because had a lovely visit with Allison and Fritz , including a delicious dinner, a seriously delicious dinner. But something about walking into their house today for some reason gave me an insight into something new that I needed to do for my hand? I suddenly flashed on there was a new place to try to massage and stretch that I hadn't tried before.
Maybe this has to do somehow with Alison being a massage therapist but anyway I found some incredibly painful and Incredibly needed places in between my fingers to massage right at the point where the fingers' flesh joins each other to become the hand and had a breakthrough! (sudden breakup/breakdown of incredibly tight fascia according to Alison.)
I woke up a little while ago or half woke up cuz it's quarter to 5 in the morning right now, full moon is still out and shining through the bedroom window, I woke myself up massaging my hand again and doing Hand Therapy again. It feels different now, than it did yesterday because of the work I was figuring out how to do today and then Allison worked on my hand a little bit too which also helped and she had a heating kind of massage oil which seems to be very effective so high hopes for the flexibility in the healing of my hand and arm to maybe we've turned up what do they call it maybe I've turned a corner? I think that's the right turn of phrase so I just wanted to get up, empty my brain for a minute, and I'm going to have to edit this later because speech to text never works perfectly.
Hopefully I'll be able to go get some more sleep now. And forgive all the weird word choices from this very very stream of consciousness post. And wish me well with my hand? Suddenly feeling much less angra vated (wtf speech to text that's not even a word?) AGGRAVATED with it and the long long time it has been taking to heal.
thanks for listening.
Tags:
well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)
had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.
for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.
Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.
you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.
It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.
I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.
I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.
I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.
I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.
One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.
(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)
okay.
gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)
had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.
for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.
Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.
you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.
It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.
I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.
I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.
I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.
I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.
One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.
(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)
okay.
gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
Tags:
- adhd,
- brainweasels,
- go me!,
- goals,
- healing,
- health,
- i am strong,
- i got this,
- i need,
- i want,
- medical