labelleizzy: (Default)
Having this broken hand , has been a whole exercise in how to put up with doing things imperfectly. (she says as she edits the post)

Dictation at the moment, speech-to-text, it's one of the accommodations I started using pretty early on in the healing process after breaking the base of my pinky and top off of my radius my right hand , on New Year's Eve. Doing things imperfectly doesn't come easy to me. More prone to refusing to try to do something. I'm more likely to give up easy after trying to do something if it doesn't come easy. One positive thing for me about the ADHD: learning that that's a trait! it's a thing about the way that this kind of brain works.

But actually I was swimming (wtf? not even close to what I said) to post about this today because had a lovely visit with Allison and Fritz , including a delicious dinner, a seriously delicious dinner. But something about walking into their house today for some reason gave me an insight into something new that I needed to do for my hand? I suddenly flashed on there was a new place to try to massage and stretch that I hadn't tried before.

Maybe this has to do somehow with Alison being a massage therapist but anyway I found some incredibly painful and Incredibly needed places in between my fingers to massage right at the point where the fingers' flesh joins each other to become the hand and had a breakthrough! (sudden breakup/breakdown of incredibly tight fascia according to Alison.)

I woke up a little while ago or half woke up cuz it's quarter to 5 in the morning right now, full moon is still out and shining through the bedroom window, I woke myself up massaging my hand again and doing Hand Therapy again. It feels different now, than it did yesterday because of the work I was figuring out how to do today and then Allison worked on my hand a little bit too which also helped and she had a heating kind of massage oil which seems to be very effective so high hopes for the flexibility in the healing of my hand and arm to maybe we've turned up what do they call it maybe I've turned a corner? I think that's the right turn of phrase so I just wanted to get up, empty my brain for a minute, and I'm going to have to edit this later because speech to text never works perfectly.

Hopefully I'll be able to go get some more sleep now. And forgive all the weird word choices from this very very stream of consciousness post. And wish me well with my hand? Suddenly feeling much less angra vated (wtf speech to text that's not even a word?) AGGRAVATED with it and the long long time it has been taking to heal.

thanks for listening.
labelleizzy: (Default)
well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)

had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.

for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.

Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.

you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.

It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.

I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.

I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.

I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.

I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.

One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.

(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)


gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Just had a massage focused on my hand/arm that's still healing up from our NYE car wreck. She started at my neck, chiseled some out of my shoulders and pectorals, went down my right arm and my biceps/triceps, the muscles that wrap around the elbow, the stuff in between the long radius and ulna, stretched the right places in my hand and wrist, gods bless her. Did a little under my shoulder blades which also helped.
So much better.
Now I want to have a day doing physical things.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Healing progress report.
Grip strength decent ish. Some tingles and pins/needles when I use the full hand/put pressure on it to do things. Feels like my nerves are still confused. Still waking up swollen every damn morning. Got a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow and I think Larry will be able to adjust shoulder-elbow-wrist-finger for some damn relief. Ring and pinky finger are still too swollen -stiff to fold, though thumb adjustment mentioned in the last post is holding, no pain/swelling on that side anymore.

Preparing to leave on a trip Friday. Today's for packing lists and laundry, a haircut, and some minor repairs. Oh, and ordering bikini tops for express delivery, heh.

Time to get to work!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Physical Therapy feels like it's going slow, but still, I can do a lot of stuff I haven't been able to.
Grip strength of the right hand isn't great, but it's mostly reliable and seems to be improving. *shrug*

One cool thing that I hope is actually progress: (background) I have a habit of cracking my knuckles and tugging on my fingers. (Mom says we have a family history of arthritis in the knuckles ugh)
The hand that's healing has been staying swollen for a lot of the day. Today I got in the hot tub and soaked hand and body awhile. The swelling went down and has pretty much stayed down.

Just now I was thinking about seeing the chiropractor, and wondering if he can adjust fingers. I think I remember him doing it. And I have had a swollen painful root-joint of the thumb pretty much this whole time.

So I tugged on the thumb a bit, had a bit of bright pain, but now I can touch my thumb across to my pinky, and the whole thumb-wrist part hurts less. I think I might have encouraged a tendon to move over just a bit, to go back to where it normally belongs! (*fingers crossed*)

Before I forget I'm going to take some more acetaminophen (I do miss ibuprofen but it clashes with one of my other meds) and hope to keep the swelling down.

The rest of my life is okay, and we have a houseguest this weekend, so I must dash!
labelleizzy: (Default)
Still healing up from the broken bones in my hand. The tracking of the healing isn't... addictive, exactly, except where it is. =)

Got the cast off a week ago tomorrow, week 4 1/2 since the breaks. From Wednesday to Thursday, my hand was unusable, horrifically swollen. Suddenly moving one of my fingers, or my thumb, felt like it does when you stub your toe. It didn't last, fortunately, just a flash of pain. It took two full days of ice packs and paracetamol and gentlest of wiggling to start getting any mobility, by Saturday I had convinced my thumb to just barely touch my forefinger. I could almost hold a piece of paper.

I had resigned myself to two weeks or more with sausage fingers as the swelling slowly reduced itself, but on Monday had a visit from my genius massage therapist and bodyworker, Nadine. She's the reason why I'm typing two handed, with only slight discomfort, tonight, Tuesday night. She does various styles of massage but is particularly skilled at Bowen therapies, in my experience. She worked on trigger point releases for my muscles that must have worked on my lymphatic system...

Was sat in bed midafternoon, feeling blarghy something like 3 hours after she'd worked on me, paying attention particularly to my injured/healing arm that had been crazy hot and swollen, and it was still kind of fat and swollen. Thought to myself "Oh, lymphatic drainage, let's raise the arm up over my head against the wall, see if it helps some more" and within moments got that cool, slight pins-&-needles feeling of "oh, I've held my arm up in the air for ages" but then a feeling *inside my arm* of WATERFALL. It was so weird and so cool.

AND the hot swelling hasn't returned. I still have to gently stretch out the muscles and tendons to return to normal flexibility, gently flex and expand to wake the muscles back up again and get my strength and range of motion. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at things) my life has given me plenty of opportunities to understand how to do physical therapy WELL.

Today I have been able to hold clothes, even to help pull my jeans up with the hand that's healing. I've opened and shut the car doors and more than once the doors in my house, with that hand. I was able to unload the dishes and hold/grasp certain items securely with the hand that's healing... narrow gauge cups, certain pieces of silverware. Fine motor control is lacking, though (couldn't drop the spoons with accuracy into their slot in the drawer) and I can't grip anything much wider than 3" securely as I have no strength yet in my pinky, and the pressure sensitive nerves in that finger (the one that broke in the car wreck) don't seem to be registering yet. I don't think it's damage, because I can feel scratches of my other hand's nail just as clear as ever, I suspect it's just the severe immobilizing from the cast and healing from the break that's making my pinky slow to recover.

I swear if I ever write a fighter character, or a big-bruiser character, breaking a finger, breaking a wrist, won't be a thing that gets written off in like two sentences. This shit is awkward, even if it's not painful (my definition of "painful" is fairly extreme, ask me about my hysterosalpingigram sometime, ... or maybe don't) and it's taken a ton of my meatspace CPU cycles to adapt to having one hand to use for five weeks, and my left (aka nondominant hand) to boot.

Also I'm going to be more forgiving of people's little imperfections: to wit: typos on the internet, and crooked parking in parking lots. Both of which I'm doing because I simply CAN'T, or because I've run out of either spoons or fucks. Example: like the apostrophe key (') that I have to stop, hit with my ring finger, because the pinky won't reliably hit it yet. However I *can* type with both hands and 9/10 fingers which is a lot easier in some ways than voice to text and swype, or straight up one handed typing on the keyboard.


Promised the cat I'd go to bed ten minutes ago. So I will. It's getting chilly here, February at midnight, and enough typing that I'm looking forward to the pain meds I'm allowed. Have overdone it a bit.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology for Scorpios this week suggests that it would be a good idea to think about the parts of one's past that it would be good to protect and to carry forward into the future.

Ten things I have learned that I would like to carry forward:

1) Brainweasels are liars, and usually are due to low blood sugar or loneliness. CF: The Desiderata.
2) I am stronger, much more competent, and a lot more lovable than I believe I am by default.
3) despite 2) I am just as prone to fuck up my communication as the next person, or to fuck up period.
4) It is possible to apologize for a lot of things. Nobody really likes doing it, nobody's great at it.
5) I deserve self-care.
6) I am allowed to ask for help with my self care, and people will often say yes. (thanks to Eeyore42 and Wrenb for teaching me that)
7) Enjoy what you have, share with others, don't feel guilty for having more. Help as often as you can.
8) Life is short. Enjoy it while you can, and tell people you love them if you do. Kiss their faces too.
9) Tenderness, kindness, and warmheartedness are underrated in the world. Value them, teach them.
10) Feed yourself. Feed your people in whatever ways you can. It makes everyone happy.
labelleizzy: (Default)
fingers crossed, if the x rays come back good i should get the cast off today!!
labelleizzy: (i dance)
this weekend I went with my friend Chelsea to a 3-day workshop for the dance form we both study in, called Open Floor, or Five Rhythms...
it was such an amazing experience, that I still can't, partly don't want to, wrap words around it.
the kind of time that feels like you'll break the spell if you try too hard to describe it, too precious to try to explain.

Here's the KIND of weekend it was though: flirty fun floaty flowy.

I danced and moved and explored and stretched and didn't take long breaks for the entirety of the session. Fri 7-10 pm, Sat 11-2 and 3-6, Sunday 2-7 with a break at 4:30-5.

So call it thirteen hours of being carried along by the dance and the moving and the community and the exploration of what my physical self is capable of. Beautiful, ugly, silly, boring, all of it, range of motion, all the different moods and impulses that the music and our teachers encouraged to come out.

Aside from emotional and self esteem shift-change-improvements, the physical improvements are tremendous.
my shoulders feel totally liberated, I can move them n all kinds of directions, watch my collarbones be mobile (what??)
and late on Saturday I had THE most painful kind of muscle cramp, in my low right abdominals, at first I was like, shit I overworked them but I dug my fingers into the muscle to try to support them (through the deep belly fat) while they cramped, breathed and hollered a little (I was actually sat down in the loo when this triggered, heh)

but when the cramp finally released me and I was able to stand up again, there was this... only way to describe it, freedom, open space, liberation? in my belly and my hip and leg and belly and back were straighter, looser, more limber... I had a new rotation in that hip, as I discovered when we returned to the dance floor, a new violence was possible in my movements, explosive and HUGE.

I need to move this some more, because it's immense and gorgeous, after seventeen years after the initial injury, this precious body has found strength and release and liberation.

I wasn't larger than this body, or smaller than this body, but exactly body-sized; and everything was full of flow and amazement.

I have a completely different belief about what I'm physically capable of now, and the crunchy painful fear and worry has softened and melted and released and ALLOWED.

...Right now, if you're reading this: for just a moment, roll your neck gently, move your shoulders around in circles, twist your torso, wiggle your hips, flex your feet. If like me, you tend to sit a lot, take a moment to check in with your body and love it with some movement.

and that's what I have for now. Got a busy day today, looking forward to it.

labelleizzy: (strong)
This whole series is public, if you have any interest in fat folks getting more fit.

One thing I'm realizing/have realized about recovery from the old ACL injury and the surgery ten years after the original injury, is the degree to which the body adapts to such an injury. Ive been working out hard since 2011, first doing prehab, then surgery Nov 1, 2011, then post surgical rehab.

Old snarls and pains and general fucked upped ness persist for years. The injury persisted for years, it's just logical upon reflection, but i had some magical thinking going into the surgery four years ago... Not just about this, but about a number of things, regrettably.

Any road, four plus years of work has already been paying off, in strength, flexibility, confidence, stress management, and a slow but gradual improvement for most of my physical concerns.

Today, however, today was special. For context: Over the weekend i had an unwelcome sudden unexpected back spasm. Spasms like that have been really really uncommon since i started working out with trainers at the gym but used to happen ALL the time, both when i was injured and during my very sedentary, book lovin', inactive childhood. To repeat, since the knee surgery replaced the necessary ACL structure in my knee, i haven't been used to that kind of occurrence, not for around four years.

Today my body felt... Different. Easier. Like, even on both sides of my hips. Like, both legs feeling the *same*. And the tailbone thats been bothering me, also feels eased. Flexibility is surprisingly good today, i could put my foot on the top rail of the stretch barre, and i could squat further without feeling the danger!pain in my knee, hip, or hamstring.

I'm thinking now that maybe that brief back spasm might have been the last of the old adaptations, finally letting go now that the rest of my body has been strengthened and trained and appropriately balanced to do naturally what bodies are supposed to.

(Hint: it ain't sitting on my ass reading and silent for hours every day as i did during my childhood.)

*happy sigh* i love to move, now. It's a joyful thing.
labelleizzy: (i dance)
Tonight dance was wonderful. There was so much music i had never heard before, and a few familiar tunes... It's been two weeks since i got to dance and i missed it and my body missed it too. (Yes, we are the same thing, still i missed it twice.)

The lesson tonight was about relationships: what are you drawn to, repelled by, what is difficult what is easy... I flashed on my brother dancing at his wedding... He was intentionally ridiculous, showing off. And on our childhood choreography and on things like high school dances where it always felt like everyone was watching (me, self conscious? Nahhh)

Movement was performative. Softball games, basketball, i didn't find my way into moving joyously till after college when i started social dance and country dance... Just dancing for ourselves and because it was fun, no competition, and performance wasnt the primary goal at all...

This realization seems important. And my body is much happier after 2 hours of loving movement. I'll bring this to my therapy appointment tomorrow.

And i think i want to try to connect with the irish dance club on stanford, and try it out agsin. Claire played some AfroCelt Sound System tonight and my bodymind went NUTS. It was great and horrible. (More on this when i have access to a proper keyboard.)

Edit: forgot to mention that this was the birthday celebration for November babies and i got to stand in the center and receive loving touch from my dance family. And Erin helped massage away my sinus headache. Yay!

And there is one thing i have to talk to Claire about, it's an ongoing thing where another dancer keeps staring at me. (Boo) Uncomfortable and IDK how to manage the situation.
labelleizzy: (dealing with demons)
"But if being abused is a curse, it is not an unbreakable one. Yes, the path of least resistance is to recapitulate the abuse one learned as a child, but that is not the only path."

THESE are passages from a post by [ profile] siderea that I really recommend anyone read who had a difficult, abusive, or neglectful childhood, or who loves someone who falls into that category.

Another passage:

"This is what the work of breaking the cycle of abuse entails: re-examining the past with the full cognitive capacities of an adult so that you can re-evaluate and replace the understanding you have of the abuse you experienced, and seeking out, identifying, and remedying the holes in one's interpersonal (and other) functioning skills. The former is generally pretty painful in the short term, but leads to radically less suffering and increased peace of mind medium-term and long-term; the latter is an ongoing hassle but pays steady and compounding dividends of improved relations and social/business success.

But the first step, in general, is realizing that there's something to be done. By the adult who was abused as a child. On one hand, it does seem terribly unfair that the victim is the person who gets stuck with doing all this work if they want to be restored to their full powers, or at least as much of their full powers as may be available to them. Would that you could sue your abuser into giving you back the childhood they owed you!

But on the other hand, this is good news: the power to recover what was yours is in your own hands. You don't need anyone's permission. You don't need your abuser's permission or assistance. They don't have the power to withhold this from you. Yes, it sucks that you are the one that has to do the work, but what a relief that you get to be the one to do the work. Because the alternative is being dependent for your very psychological well-being on the good will of people who have demonstrated not much good will to you. So the realization that there is something you can do is liberating."

please see also my post in a similar vein, Metaphor for Fear.

I have yet another post on this that I want to share if I can find it, the one about having to deal with the fact that you have to shovel your own shit, no matter how you acquired it.
labelleizzy: (creating yourself)

I think I'm a bit masochistic when it comes to working out. I actually kind of like the sore muscles afterwards. Feels like I really accomplished something, and the proof is literal vibration in the fibers of my being.


This morning I'm drinking my tea and reading Tarot, and my left calf is twitching and vibrating in a particular spot that was painful as hell to massage just on Sunday. I remember because I thought that was one of many muscle adhesions that were probably contributing to the foot pain/plantar fasciitis... places where the trainer said to roll the muscle on the foam core...


But if it's twitching, that means it's not frozen anymore. Maybe between dancing for 3 hours on Monday and two hours of yoga yesterday, Good Things Have Happened in my calf. The foot pain is less this morning, which is great. and last night I was massaging my calves and their Achilles tendons, both are remarkably less tender, both are softer and more malleable than just three days ago. It's a notable change. it's a big increase in comfort, decrease in pain.


Still finding myself preparing to hurt...  taking small, protective steps when I get out of bed, but the pain was very small this morning. Yay for that. I took some time rolling my ankles, warming up my hamstrings and hip flexors before getting out of bed, which probably did help, but it feels like a whole new ball game right now.


gonna go eat something and drink the rest of my tea, and put warm clothes on... Fall seems to finally be here, and I love bundling up. Mmmm, sweaters and boots.


just wanted to share that I hurt significantly less today, and that makes me happy. :)


how y'all doing? can I help in any way?

labelleizzy: (sun)
Made it to the gym, GO ME!

Actually spent close to two hours there. And I found the cojones to ask one of the trainers what else I could do about my plantar fasciitis. He was great. He's a runner, and has suffered from this himself.

He suggested: My Absolute FAVORITE thing (NOT!), to roll my leg muscles on the foam core roller (ow ow ow.)
But totally worth it. He said, roll outside thigh, AND inside thigh, AND top of the quads.

So I tried that after my 25 minutes on cardio and my various weight machines (forgot to do abductors THEN adductors, I need to remember that), and I found a nice quiet corner tucked up near the emergency exit, where I don't think a lot of people think to go. I rolled my back (ow) and then rolled on my legs (ow ow ow.) The upside of the rolling was an incredible-feeling delicious slow burn in my middle back and all down my legs for almost two hours afterwards.
But my foot hurt a lot less, immediately after rolling my body like that, and I feel a lot less tension in my legs and a lot less potential-pain in my feet. If that makes sense.

Trainer said foam core roller, and more active balance work. Like standing-twisting yoga poses, for example. That's a whole new realm of yoga for me, but I'm good with that. I *REALLY* want to get back to dancing, and am willing to do the work. He also suggested consistent warmups and stretching of calf and hams when I get up in the morning. I did that this morning and had a much easier time starting to walk around this morning, so I'm definitely inclined to do more of that.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Rhythm replaces strength. If I get to where I do these things regularly and don't even think about them, I'll just HAVE them. And that will be good. And hopefully, I will hurt less.

Good time with Jeff tonight, I made him dinner and we snuggled and watched THREE eps of Cowboy Bebop. I'll be sad when we watch them all. Then I tried the pilot of Supernatural. Really? REALLY? They HAD to do that? (no spoilers.) Just ugh. I might watch more of it with someone who was a big fan, but I don't think I'll seek it out again just by myself.

Now it's time for bed. I'll just find Girl Genius and then go brush teeth and get myself settled.
Baby Juggling tomorrow!
labelleizzy: (stoutness)
Rockclimbing today, for the first time, with [ profile] tshuma & [ profile] bk2w. Of course I wasn't very good. But it was fun, and I practiced trusting my belay partner and sitting down on the rope to come off the wall. Hands and forearms a little sore. Possibly worse tomorrow, well, that's what vitamin I is for, innit.

Thursday I did something smart, got a sports massage then went and had a workout. The therapist dug into my airline-cable neck muscle in the right ways, also did work on tiny spinal muscles, shoulder muscles, and at the base of my spine, work of a quality that I've never had at Massage Envy before. I think I better enjoy this fellow while he's there, he's bound to find a better berth soon. But massage-and-workout was a fucking AMAZING combination; I'm less crunchy in so many ways than I have been in months.

And... now I've tried the climbing thing, I think I want to try it more. And just realized I've been wanting something more concrete than "going back to dancing" to train toward... I think that rockclimbing may provide the additional challenge and stimulation I need to get myself out to the gym as often as I need to do for authentic improvement.
labelleizzy: (stoutness)
Got to the gym today. First time in over a week. I decreased all my weights for comfort and safety.
Pretty decent workout. I did something wrong though, my ribs hurt. Like for hours they hurt.

10 minutes on stationary bicycle (I /almost/ arrived in time for the yoga class!)
15 minutes doing yoga stretchy things (should have done weights then yoga stretchy things)
N minutes (unknown) on weights. Various for arms and shoulders, and then the traditional four machines for legs.

then some time cooling down on a yoga mat with a foam core roller. That's probably where I wonked my rib... I think I went diagonally on the roller (cos it felt good at my hip), the pressure may have been too much on the rib socket. How does one deal with a sprained(?) rib?

Went home, made salty spaghetti and sauteed shrimp in butter, garlic and onion, because the ramen place was closed. =/

Rib hurts 6 hours later. Taking one of the Good Drugs and hoping to sleep it off. Early morning tomorrow for a consult with the knee surgeon, this is ten months post-op. So I definitely want a good night's sleep.

wish me luck with the rib, and with braving *shudder* Bay Area rush hour traffic for a doctor's appointment on the other side of the Bay. Oy vey!

good night!
labelleizzy: (asskicking)
Can't remember if I've shared this story here.

I have this way I think about the emotional damage we accumulate during our life. A couple of friends have found it useful, perhaps you will as well.

Imagine a young fruit tree, indeed, a sapling.

The wind blows, and shakes it about, and if it survives, its roots grow stronger. If it gets enough water and sunlight, and planted in the right kind of dirt, it will thrive, grow strong, flower, and bear fruit. Correct?

What about manure? Indeed, what ABOUT bullshit?

Well, a little bullshit helps the tree to grow. But a lot? Too much? The tree burns. The tree suffocates.

On our personal tree farms, if a healthy balance is, we tolerate only a little bullshit.

The problem is sometimes before we are old enough or experienced enough to know better, someone else comes and shits all over us.

Sometimes it's overwhelming, and the tree won't grow right, due to all the shit that's heaped up.
Thing is, after just a little thinking, you come to realize that them what did the shitting are never coming back to clean it up.

You dig?

Actually, digging is the point.

We all get overwhelmed. We all get to feeling like we're being buried in crap someone else dumped on us.
Thing is?

Get your shovel, and start digging. Some of that shit may be top notch fertilizer. Some of it's surely garbage. But you got to get out of the pile, and you got to be the one who starts digging. If your arms aren't free, holler for help, and make sure to keep the shovel someone brings you.

Cos you've got to dig. Nobody's job but yours to move that crap. It's not fair to ask the world to do it for you. Maybe /with/ you, maybe you both work together on both y'all's piles... but you've got to move the bullshit that smothers you.

And once you're mostly out?
THEN you've got to learn where the crap has been coming from? And then you've got to learn how to stop the ongoing deliveries, if you have not done so already.'s a shovel.
*hefts her own shovel*

Your pile or mine, sweetheart?
labelleizzy: (Gaia)
I didn't mention I am queen of the lavender bushes!!!
I pruned the shaggy topiary that won't stand upright until it begged for mercy... (it had a lot of old wood)
I *also" pruned the bushes on our side-yard-not-our-side-yard because they just looked so pitiful... what kind of moron uses a hedge trimmer to chop off the heads of lavender and leaves the stalks to yellow and look like weeds? Answer: a lazy-ass landscaper who knows jack shit about taking care of herb bushes and decorative plants. I have a bowl of lavender heads on my desk and dumped 3 piles of branches and such into the green waste. I think all of these plants will be better for their haircuts, and have more chances to grow and flourish.

Some of you may remember me bitching about the box-crop that was done on the japanese maple in the front yard, after I complained to the landlord he told the gardeners to leave it alone and that I (or he) would be taking care of it in future. *beams* I'm planning its shape for next year, and am judiciously selecting interior branches to take out so it will spread its new growth more becomingly in the spring.

Gardening feels good and is productive. You have a visible end result, which is satisfying. I could definitely go to town some more on the side yard lavenders; I have some dead rosemary to crop out of the front-shrubbery, and I have a gift of lavender and one of mint from [ profile] gypsyritsa to put into dirt... I just feel like I want to be outside, doing stuff in nature. Like it's healing, healthy stuff to be doing right now.
labelleizzy: (Default)
My ACoA meeting went great tonight. It was good to be back.

The "shares" went deep, scary, trusting places. One person shared that her sisters told her, six months ago, that her nickname in the family was "Doormat". WTF? How could they call her that, how could they tell her? But maybe it's for the best thatshe know now. Seems she's slowly transforming herself...

In spite of deep, scary places, it was inspirational & uplifting to be there. I keep realizing how incredibly blessed & lucky I have been on my journey toward wholeness and growth & love & honesty & compassion. And uplift, my own, and the pay-it-forward kind I try to do for others.

Blessed & lucky. I made connections tonight. I was seen, I was heard, and I walked out lighter than I walked in.

And I offer this: if you want to go to a local ACoA/Dysfunctional Families meeting and you live <two hours drive from me? I will drive to go with you. Because then we are no longer alone with the crazy inside our heads and habits. And together we can achieve something we could not do alone.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Am currently developing a theory wrt pain (or at the least discomfort) and me learning something new.

The educational term is Cognitive Disequilibrium. That means your brain gets all shaken up when you encounter a new concept or paradigm that you didn't have room for in your prior worldview, and so you need to move everything around a bit to make room for the new (assuming true) thing you have learned or are learning. It's a bit like that trick to suitcase packing, where an already-full suitcase (or especially duffel) can be made to accommodate more stuff by jouncing it on the floor a little, so the existing stuff settles down, packed tighter, and there is then a bit of room at the top of your bag to add something else.
And of course the Extreme Version of Cognitive Disequilibrium would be, the Unpack-Everything-Add-the-New-Thing,-Repack-everything-Up-Again mode of repacking.

I think I've been doing some of that Extreme Version, myself, along with some of the more convenient version... hmmm.

Many people aren't, it seems, even willing to jounce their duffel-o-self a bit to make room for the more-stuff, or to reprioritize their packing lists and omit items that are less useful on further examination. Many people are probably pretty content to pack like they have always packed, assuming they have what they need to meet their needs for the next trip or emergency...

But I'm finding that I want and need some very different things now. When I used to pack my Travelling Bag and my Emergency Bag, I used to include a lot of things my Mom and Dad always included. For example, mom likes to have a shower cap. Dad had diabetes meds. I also used to overpack... "What if I want to wear THAT? and _that_?" I might say. So I would schlep a lot of extra stuff around with me, on the off chance that I or someone else would want or need that particular stuff.

You know what though? I can count on the fingers of ONE HAND the times that someone wanted one of those extra things I packed. Including me wanting to wear THAT or _that_... Life is a lot easier when I decide to pack light, when I rewrite the old packing lists.

Now rethinking The Way We've Always Done Things, well, that's a bit of work. And it's not always comfortable, either. You have to ask Why Have We Always packed the shower cap, and since I'm not diabetic and Dad's dead now, Why are diabetes meds still on the Packing List? Also, realizing, that Later When I Come Home I can Wear THAT, or _that_, and I sure don't need that, which is My Personal Unnecessary Thing I Always Have Brought On Trips, and admit to being embarrassed about the fact that you are only just now admitting that you don't need it, and whyever did it take so long to Figure That Out?

Translate that to my Physical realm and add the element of Will.
Yes, you have to hurt yourself a little, every day, to avoid Harm. That means, work the muscle that's cramping, to the point of discomfort. Bend and stretch even when the joints are creaking and the other muscles complain. You wanna be strong? Re-examine how much damn time you're spending killing time on the Internet and figure out how to make a comfortable space to do your back PT exercises in the house. And then do some yoga or bellydance, and then, seriously, you can use your Power of teh Internets to GO FIND A CLASS because you know that is how you learn best, when forced to be accountable to other people in a class (and particularly to be accountable to the Teacher, if I respect him/her...)

it is gonna hurt, at least a little, to climb back up this rock. And I won't climb in the same way as I did when I was 25 and took for granted that rock climbing was easy. It's also a totally different rock... the river's washed me downstream a significant bit. *grin* (Yes, I like metaphors and parenthetical statements, why do you ask?) I've got some new tools and, as mentioned above, have lightened my carry-load considerably; my muscles are weaker than they once were, but I know that with steady effort I can make them and me, stronger. (Literal AND figurative, here.)

Emotional Disequilibrium
Thing about Emotional Disequilibrium is that you cannot tolerate very much of it and still learn effectively (witness kids' grades dropping with parents fighting, bullying in the classroom, illness of whatever kind, etc etc etc.) However, often the process of Cognitive Disequilibrium PRODUCES Emotional Disequilibrium ... (duh) ... being uncomfortable while having to learn something new, having to admit that You Don't Know Everything, that you can be Surprised, you can be Unprepared... *gasp* quelle horror! in our culture it is often preferable to lie about what you know/don't know than to admit any kind of ignorance and willingness to be educated... We often will take hit points IN our ignorance Because we are Unwilling to admit to our ignorance... (witness most folks initial sexual experiences... and oh yeah my own *regret*)

But Emotional Disequilibrium can, when managed carefully, be the source of Learning, also. It's not MetaCognition, to think about your feelings and whence they came and what your triggers and patterns are, but it's damn effective even if I don't have a nice jargony name for it... I've been referring to it as Pathwork, healing work, Family of Origin work, Clutter-clearing, Reconstruction, and Shadow work. There's probably as many names as there are people doing the Work.

Many call it Recovery. For me, Reconstruction is a better metaphor.

ReDesigning. ReDrafting. ReWriting. Keep feeding yourself and caring for your own needs and making sure you are warm and dry and loved... as much as is possible in a chaotic world, and that you help others to be fed and warm and dry and loved... and you can probably lighten YOUR load, and help others lighten THEIRS.

Feeling useful and loved and secure in the world, yeah, that's the path to recovery/reconstruction/health.

The Path to Peace.


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