Be the change you want to see.

This year I've tripped, or misstepped and fallen to hands and knees at least twice. I credit my trainer Etty for the reflexes my body needed to be able to pull back and not *eat it* from falls like that... Both would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been strength training.

I also give myself credit, for showing up, being honest, doing the work, and for letting her teach me to be gentle with my own body. We work not past the pain but with the pain, allowing the pain to educate and to be the boundary holding the workout.

This morning I wake up and at least my hand isn't swollen and I can basically close my fingers into a fist. The last two joints of the pinky are still swollen and sore and my ring finger is sore and doesn't want to curl up completely. Shoulders are tight, glad I've been spending the time with the theracane under my shoulder blade and the back of my arm... consistently tight muscles back there, hurt. Have trouble putting my arms behind my back or doing any much back there especially anything that needs strength or precision. Today's Thursday and is better than earlier this week. Monday dance I made a point of trying to extend my arms out and back from the shoulder sockets and explore flexibility in dance context. My shit is still sore but a little bit better. It keeps swinging between fuck this hurts and well that almost doesn't hurt.
*Sigh* tired o all the PT I've been doing. Looking forward to seeing the chiropractor tomorrow, as he usually manages to release a ton of musculoskeletal tension for me and usually the pain is significant ly better for awhile. Pain sucks and I've been cracking my neck a couple of times per day. Shoulder has been hitching up and forward and it just throws me back into the cycle of pain.

wow.
this weekend I went with my friend Chelsea to a 3-day workshop for the dance form we both study in, called Open Floor, or Five Rhythms...
it was such an amazing experience, that I still can't, partly don't want to, wrap words around it.
the kind of time that feels like you'll break the spell if you try too hard to describe it, too precious to try to explain.

Here's the KIND of weekend it was though: flirty fun floaty flowy.

I danced and moved and explored and stretched and didn't take long breaks for the entirety of the session. Fri 7-10 pm, Sat 11-2 and 3-6, Sunday 2-7 with a break at 4:30-5.

So call it thirteen hours of being carried along by the dance and the moving and the community and the exploration of what my physical self is capable of. Beautiful, ugly, silly, boring, all of it, range of motion, all the different moods and impulses that the music and our teachers encouraged to come out.

Aside from emotional and self esteem shift-change-improvements, the physical improvements are tremendous.
my shoulders feel totally liberated, I can move them n all kinds of directions, watch my collarbones be mobile (what??)
and late on Saturday I had THE most painful kind of muscle cramp, in my low right abdominals, at first I was like, shit I overworked them but I dug my fingers into the muscle to try to support them (through the deep belly fat) while they cramped, breathed and hollered a little (I was actually sat down in the loo when this triggered, heh)

but when the cramp finally released me and I was able to stand up again, there was this... only way to describe it, freedom, open space, liberation? in my belly and my hip and leg and belly and back were straighter, looser, more limber... I had a new rotation in that hip, as I discovered when we returned to the dance floor, a new violence was possible in my movements, explosive and HUGE.

I need to move this some more, because it's immense and gorgeous, after seventeen years after the initial injury, this precious body has found strength and release and liberation.

I wasn't larger than this body, or smaller than this body, but exactly body-sized; and everything was full of flow and amazement.

I have a completely different belief about what I'm physically capable of now, and the crunchy painful fear and worry has softened and melted and released and ALLOWED.

...Right now, if you're reading this: for just a moment, roll your neck gently, move your shoulders around in circles, twist your torso, wiggle your hips, flex your feet. If like me, you tend to sit a lot, take a moment to check in with your body and love it with some movement.

and that's what I have for now. Got a busy day today, looking forward to it.

Today's massage was pretty darn good. This was the first time in recent memory that I showed up for a massage with nothing actually hurting or needing the therapeutic work. So on the therapist's suggestion, I opted for a relaxation massage. That was nice, and he (he and I are new at working together) seemed much more comfortable in this mode than the sports-therapy massage I requested two weeks ago. So that went well.

I'd had Wrenb drop me off for my appointment, we'd been doing errands together, so I opted to walk home via the bike trail. Less than two miles, I figured...
(How tough could it be, right?)

Oh dear.

Upside: no muscles are sore, my back is fine and my endurance for such things is hugely increased over the last time I took a long walk like this.

Downside? My shoes/boots weren't entirely the optimal choice for a long walk down the asphalt bike path. No heel blisters, thank Hermes, but I have blisters. Under my calluses. On the balls of both feet.

And the first of the early morning workouts with Tal and Tshuma. Like ready to work at 8 am early, when I usually roll out of bed between 8 and 8:30 kind of thing.

Oh well. I'll make it march somehow, and Tal probably has ane encyclopedia of things I could work on without straining foot blisters.

I have faith. Tomorrow will be good, and I will work hard, because I want to be tougher and stronger.

That's that.

Now to check in on Spouse and Tshuma, and rustle myself some more food.

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I'm not getting to the gym, and muscles and joints have been getting painfully crunchy, and I'm not even exaggerating.

So last night I picked up the 5# hand weights I thought I'd graduated out of, and sort of danced with my upper body only. Swimming motion, Tae Kwon Do punching motions, swooping motions, tennis-racket and baseball-bat motions, until I was tired. Tried to find all the ways of moving that *hurt*, tbh. Not hurt like HURT, but hurt like OMG I can't believe I haven't moved that muscle in so long! I think I haven't done any damage, i.e neither elbows nor wrists nor thumbs nor shoulder joints are sore... and I do feel much more flexible and stronger again.

I think I will do the same or similar tonight. Especially since I will soon be on a plane for 8 hours? Nine hours? yuck.

Need to go make plans for a decent dinner. Maybe I will take my sweet husband out for dinner... oh crap, it's VALENTINE'S day. Never mind! I think we will order a pizza or something, damn. Or maybe he will let me come join him for dinner at Google. That could be fun.

*goes to find the phone*

Had a physical therapy appointment today. It was an hour long, with Janet, who I like. I like all the physical therapists I've worked with. We don't get into political conversations, for example, where we might find out about our clashes, and the power dynamic is always very clear: she is the teacher, I am the student, I ask questions and clarifications, and I receive homework.

(grin)

Today went pretty well, considering I've wanted to go to the gym more, walk more, bike more, than I have actually done. Tried a weird-form-factor recumbent bike that they have there. It had this hitch to the pedaling where the mechanism seemed to work best if you spent equal force on the pushing out on the pedal and also on the pulling back on the pedal. So I think my hamstrings liked that part. =)

She got me on the treadmill, set it for .9 mph, and had me walk backwards. Win! I love that kind of thing, was telling her about the Waldorf kids walking and skipping backwards... she said, I don't know what that's like, I'm going to have to try that at home. So I have a new treadmill routine for the gym. (I'm probably going to warm up with the bike or with quick walking first) I walk ten paces, forward slow. I rotate 90 degrees and do sideways traveling with a mild squat-form. Rotate 90 and walk backwards 20 paces, count it as ten right-foot paces. Rotate 90 and sideways traveling on the other side, leading with the left, and then ten slow paces forward. It's going to be interesting trying that at the gym.

Did well on the hamstring curl, the ... press-thingy whose name escapes me at the moment, squats. Where Janet noted a particular improvement for me, and I had to admit it too, was in the balance department.
The tools they have... not sure tool is exactly the correct word... for balance include a squishy foam pad about the same form factor as a phone book (and they had one of those too, only wrapped completely in duck tape) and a round balance board with an underside like the bottom third of an exercise ball.

I actually could stand fairly securely on both, both-feet and single-foot balance! My ankles and the rest of my legs are developing this dynamic-stability strength. Feels pretty satisfying. Making good progress.

Told her my scar's gone completely flat, can't feel it through clothes anymore... she liked that. (so do I)
Also mentioned I'm planning to engage a trainer at the gym. She thought for a bit and said, That should be ok. But no jumping or running, the hamstring curl machine is okay but the machine that makes you straighten your leg, avoid that. Don't hyper-extend your leg. She also suggested that big free-weight lifting for the upper body when I'm standing should be avoided, to use the machines instead, especially if they let me stay seated.

No ballroom yet. (sigh) I can see her point though. The chaos and confusion, the dodging other dancers at the last minute... yeah. I can dance with Jeff in the living room though, and I'll try to invite him to do this more often. =) Told her (and it's only true) that I want to be on the ballroom floor comfortably (and hopefully pain free) when I'm 50, 60, 70.

Slow and steady, right? Ok.

or if you do drink and walk, watch where the hell you put your foot...

argh.
Last night was Wine and Song at thechoirloft, and I got to say hello to and get hugs from cortneyofeden and ef2p before they had to scram. Got to admire Chris's baby daughter Veronica, and some brief baby-talkin' with his lady (whose name I did not catch.) Had some good conversation with zpdiduda, blackberry74, vvvexation, and trekster, among others. I also got pettin's from trekster, she was very snuggly and that was nice cos I have been skin-hungry for awhile.

I wasn't even "drunk", just somewhat merry, and I saw OOOH! Fire! out in the backyard as coyote3405 lit a bonfire with old Christmas pine branches...

so I went out to help, I said, "Oh, can I..."
*whups*
*OwFuckOwFuck OW!*
as I rolled my ankle in the water-gutter they have in their backyard.
I did NOT break the wineglass, which Mark said was good since it was their almost-last one of the set. *woot*
I DID bend myself fairly spectacularly...

however many rushed to help me minimize the damage - props go to brian1789 who ran inside immediately and fetched out an icepack (- thanks, Jay, the injury surely would have been a fair bit worse today without that quick action), thats_ms_dragon, who kept me company outside and firmly fetched me water when I asked for another glass of wine - she is teh smart, cos lord knows with a sprained ankle I did NOT need more vasodilation! Others came by to chat and check in, which again was nice, and comforting.

Down side was, I had REALLY been looking forward to soaking in the tub... but the ankle would have swolled up as big as my head if I had, so, *regretfully noting the necessity* I look forward to doing so another time.

After a wee bit of elevating the leg propped up on the patio chair, I hobbled inside and conned celticmoni into letting me have the chair with the leg-rest. Good conversation there, and I got to observe her L33+ M0M skillz in practice... she's endlessly patient, respectful, and loving with her Sprout. I admire that a LOT. Mark came back to hide from the thinning crowds and play solitaire for a bit. celticmoni got the Sproutling's socks and shoes back on to head home, and I curled up on the bed he abandoned (not before he'd enjoyed MUCH bouncing on the bed LOL) under various shoulder-wraps and lap-throws for a bit of a nap.

Eventually we-all realized how late it was getting, while Rebecca (LJ handle?) discovered a mix-up that had meant her keys, cell phone, and sweatshirt going home instead with choirboypuppy, and that got sorted out while eeyore42 and deedeebythebay and I kept her company...

Then Jeff helped me to walk down the driveway-that-is-a-fairly-steep-hill and brought Percy over close so I didn't have to walk so far to get into the car.

Hobbled into the house, piled into bed after I found the ACE bandage, wrapped myself up pretty adequately, took 600 mg Ibuprofen, and fell into sleep (this was pushing 2:30 am IIRC). About 7 or so the ankle woke me again, I schlepped my ass into bathroom for more Ibuprofen, unwrapped the ankle (it was throbbing), and ZONK was out again till nearly 1 pm. Probably the smartest thing I could have done under the circumstances - which were me sleep-dep all week on TOP of this recent injury... Yeah.

I was stretching a little and checking range of motion with my leg and foot, but Then Jeff Woke Me The Best Way, and I also got to make "dessert" for him which was way cool, and then I re-wrapped my ankle after cleaning up, and he made us brunch with a sausage-and-pepper stirfry which we ate with tortilla chips and sour cream. Yum. Jeff also told me that he was proud of me for how I handled my injury, and I said thanks but I couldn't have been so calm about it without so many people helping take care of me, which was indeed awesome of everyone.

Now, I'm having more tea and reading a cheep Mercedes Lackey Valdemar novel, and I'm going to go back to that right after finishing this and checking email briefly.

Hope y'all had a ... um, less PAINFUL Friday night than mine. *grin*

Yay for people who will take care of me after I hurt myself. *rah*