labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?


I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.


That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (thinky thoughts)
Last night I was telling Nick about a (possibly apocryphal) Buddhist teaching story:

The master has a large jar, a bucket of big rocks, a bucket of gravel, a bucket of sand on the table.
He instructs the student to fill the jar with the big rocks, as full as it can go.
Then he asks the student, "Is the jar full?"
The student replies, "Yes, teacher."
Now the master asks the student to add the gravel to the jar. Most of the gravel in the bucket fits into the spaces between the stones.
And he asks the student, "Is the jar full now?"
The student replies, "Yes, teacher."
The master indicates the bucket of sand, and the student knows what comes next, and pours the sand into the jar, and it settles in around the gravel and the stones.
"Surely it's full now, teacher?"

The master smiles, and pulls out a bucket of water from beneath the table.


I heard this story used by Steven Covey to talk about prioritizing your life according to the values that matter to you. In the video, the Big Rocks all have words painted on them. Words like "Family" "Romance" "Health" "Job Advancement" "Planning" "Self-Care" "Spiritual Development". All the kinds of things people talk about as their Highest Values.

Only Covey told the story backwards.
=)
He had the folks taking his seminar fill the jar with sand first, and then try to fit the big rocks in on top of the sand.
All of the taking care of yourself kinds of Rocks got left out, and it was a pretty powerful symbol.
Then he had his demonstration victims Subjects dump the sand out, and fit all the Big Rocks in FIRST. THEN add the gravel, THEN add the sand.

So, he points out, if you take care of the big Values first, you can fit the Projects and the Everyday Little Tasks in around them.
But you can just as easily let the Everyday Little Tasks take up All The Time You Have, and get to the end of your day not having taken care of any of the things you really find VALUABLE.

I'm finding myself dealing a lot in Sand, and not so much in the Big Rocks as I would like to.

So I'm making a drawing, and trying to set up a visual reminder of my priorities.

I've marked one "rock" as Dance, Music, Art, and Writing. I'm struggling for brief vivid descriptors. I could put Roles in, i.e. Wife, Friend, Sister, Aunty, Daughter, Lover. I could put it in as Nouns for the things I value: Self-care, Artistic Expression, Kindness, Philanthropy. I could use a personal pagan metaphor: Persephone, Demeter, Hermes, Artemis, Athena, Dionysos, Cerridwen, Brigid, Argante.

I'm leaning toward the Nouns at the moment. How about you? How would you describe the things you Value above all others?

How do you fit it all in?
labelleizzy: (nanowrimo)

I am grateful that...

 

* I have a husband who loves me and who I love & can respect , is physically demonstrative with affection, pets, and cuddles, and supports us both in comfort.

 

*I have a pair of silly and serious kittehs, who nag me to get up, to pet them, to feed them, to play with them.

 

* I have exceptional health. I barely got a sniffle, for the last two years. My body is working well and responding to Martha Graham's "slow and steady pressure" as I incorporate loving movement into my daily habits.

 

*I have a good mind. I troubleshoot and bring creative problem solving skills to all kinds of situations, and sometimes can find the solution that eludes others.

 

* I have a good heart. I try to love well and without "judging", and to communicate proactively and with radical honesty. I try to bring health, clarity, and optimism wherever I go.

 

I am grateful for my ability to learn from my mistakes and to incorporate these lessons into my life. Every bit of learning has something to do that can make Life better, and even the small lessons (eat something when you get up if you have a Sad) have a remarkable impact. (like now.)

labelleizzy: (creating yourself)
[livejournal.com profile] morlith had a good piece on the 9th about manifesting what he wants in his life.

Therefore, this:

I manifest in my life a rich and vibrant social network with people who think both as I do and as I /don't/. Plenty of opportunities to be with neat people who stir me up, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Friends and acquaintances challenge me to be the best I can be. Plans, are carefully considered and laid, and are carried out with casual flair (and flexibility)... I spend more time in real life with people than I do connecting with people through a computer terminal.

I manifest in my life a healthy, inclusive attitude toward health and wellness, and I attract opportunities to help me become more fit, stronger, more flexible, while having a ton of fun!

I show my thankfulness daily for the abundance in my life, in large part by sharing the abundance I have. I have an abundance of security and an abundance of resources, and an abundance of calm and love. I draw friends and loved ones who help me develop my learning-edge places, and I accept that I won't always be comfortable or happy during the process. I trust that I can ask for what I need and have it manifest for me in some form, and I am willing to work toward those needs (and some wants) getting filled.

I find plenteous opportunities to make beautiful things manifest in the world - art, dance, jewelry, meals, hospitality, and word-creations are just the beginning, as my imagination cannot contain all the potential my future may hold!

I seek relationship with bio-family, including warm, comfortable, frequent connection. I try to do nice things for my nieces and nephew at least three times a year, including random non-birthday non-holiday things.

I continue the welcome trend of playful, respectful, romantic connection in my love life and I am patient, (PATIENT I TELL YOU) about new adventures unfolding as they need to. I prioritize healthy over titillating and friendship over fucking (mostly). =) New relationships need to nourish brain and spirit as well as connecting to astrality, and will come with good interpersonal boundaries and priorities. New partners will understand their own responsibility to their own selves and will be wanting to develop communication skills and real, deep honest vulnerability (if those skills don't already come in their toolbox).

I manifest in my life a variety of chances to do meaningful work. I manifest the opportunity to explore the world and a myriad of its joys and challenges. I manifest heart-connected sincere relationships with people who matter and who want to build connection with me.
labelleizzy: (life change boogie)
Life.
Life changes.
Life changes constantly.
Life changes unexpectedly.

There is no wisdom here. This counts as an "everybody knows this" maxim.
But it's certainly SOMETHING to go look at your beloved year-abroad University from 20 years ago (this year) and discover (on Google Maps) that there is STUFF there, structures and reputable companies, that POST-date my tenure there... That even the NAME of the university has altered.

Everything.
Everything changes.
Everything changes constantly.
Everything changes unexpectedly.

But then,
the change which is unexpected to the outside observer,
no doubt feels perfectly inevitable to the individual, company, or group experiencing the change.

If this then is about expectation,
perhaps the Buddhist suggestion to release expectations is one of the best advice ever.
perhaps the Buddhist suggestion to cultivate Child-mind is one of the best advice ever.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Life is good.
I am grateful for all the blessings Providence has offered to me,
there is abundance in every corner of my life.
I am one of the luckiest people I know.

Thank you, Universe, for your part in this.

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