Be the change you want to see.

I have this not-fully-fleshed thought this morning/afternoon/whatever... want to explore it.

we call those who are demonstrably self-centered, who speak and act primarily for and about themselves, who demonstrate a belief that their actions and thoughts impact the world: ARROGANT.

is there a term for people who seem to believe that only OTHER people matter? Edit: in a wildly unrealistic or drastically misplaced humility, only other people's thoughts, actions, beliefs matter? Or is that also ARROGANT and SELF-CENTERED, only in a backwards, skewed, or mirror-universe kind of way?

Recently reflecting on my thoughts around the end of the Drama/Reading teaching job... and I recall at some point believing that I didn't need to tell the (drama) students that I wasn't coming back next year... because they'd have a better Drama teacher next year? I know I was rationalizing. I knew it then.

I know to some degree, I decided not to share because it make it be awkward, difficult to do the job... but there was also a touch of "because I didn't matter"...

On one level, I know I did matter. I had students hug and confide in me; I stayed late and sometimes came early to facilitate the things the students were passionate about, I was learning to be an advocate for them.

and yet, I was convinced that me leaving wouldn't matter to them, to the office, to my department...

was it an intellectual conceit to protect my own feelings or to make the perceived emotional impact of my leaving less?
was it a derelict remainder from my years of low self-esteem?

Five summers ago, I expressed shock and amazement when Jeff (we had just started dating) downloaded both Evanescence albums because I was enthusiastic about them; I had just heard one album in its entirety for the first time.

He held my hand and caught my eyes and said, "You know, you have an IMPACT. What you know, what you like, it makes an impression on people."

That blew me away.

Sat there, flummoxed, (and probably crying), trying to assimilate the concept.

I still am made of fail with regards to incorporating this into my life.
Of course, if what I do (or don't do) doesn't matter, there are all sorts of corollaries.

Like, I don't have to work too hard. No one will care.
a whole other bunch of don't have to's follow, of course, (fill in the blanks yourself, you're imaginative people (see, there I go again))

but those don't have to's get blown away if I have made a commitment to live an ethical lifestyle. For me.

Regardless of the impact I believe I have on the world (which =! my actual impact on the world, I know), if I'm living an ethical life, there's the one undeniable reason to follow up on my promises, to work hard and well, to try hard, to work toward personal growth,
For me.
Because it's the right thing to do.

I joke about being a solipsist. I think I need to examine what parts of that notion are valid and workable and which I need to discard.

and maybe in this regard I'm coming at the question ass backwards, I matter because I'm ethical, but until I finish up a bunch of other healing work I think that is the best, clearest path for me to walk, to arrive at the conclusion that I matter.

Lark was really fun.
I hit yesterday (friday) and was like - whoa, the week is over? what happened? =P We established routines very quickly and got very very busy. I think I started with 6 classes and ended with 5 every day.

but I learned lots, I probably have at LEAST three new cool friends and maybe more, two new hobbies, maybe more (and ribbin and miss_mimsy are gonna help me out with one at least, oh yes they are) and I have a new crush I think... heh. Oh, and I want to inherit Chris Caswell's teaching style and sense of humor when I get older... (not GONNA grow up...)

I feel tons stronger from hiking all over the place and dancing, except I tweaked my knee the last day of dance class so my knee and my lower lumbar muscles are duking it out for who is going to make my life more inconvenient... still ambulatory but the back hurts from overcompensating for the twang. I'll get my massage dude to pound hell out of my new muscles (yay for Aubre OMG she rocks my world SO hard!) and my new sore spot; that should help. Yay for Vitamin I.

Today we get to unpack, quick email check, wash clothes like crazy, soak in the tub, maybe reschedule the moving van by one day, depending on ppl's schedules.

Which I'm going to go check. Me geek, me write Livejournal first once I got my network and my browser working properly again. Heh!

Sometimes I am just such a girl...

frustrations, emotional imbalance, anxiety...

hot water and bath salts, nice smells, exfoliation...

and I am 100% better now.



.
.
.
I keep forgetting this basic fact.
When I take care of myself, life runs a lot more smoothly.

I'm currently running lessons with my reading-support kids about researching careers.

In an attempt for ME to learn something new, I've signed up with surveymonkey.com and have built my very own open survey.

If you are willing to share information about your job(s) past and current, and to perhaps give me some new direction for this student research project, I would be happy to see your input.
Click Here to take a brief Job Selection Survey.



thank you very much!

I'm about to employ a rather ... gross... metaphor.
Maybe I'm the only one who experienced this during my teenage years, but I doubt it.
There have been a few truly memorable skin eruptions during my period of puberty... one in particular I'm recalling, analagous to my current emotional state.
( cut for gross description, enter at your own risk )
but fuck, I am tired of feeling so raw so often and so easily. I just wish I could be DONE now... not that I want to forget Scotty, I am just tired of hurting all around all the memories of him and how he's gone.

He should have been there today. He would have known what to say to Becky and Rachel... I hope they manage to scan the childhood photos of all of us, I would love to see the photos with Scott in them.

I'm going to bed. I don't wanna go to work tomorrow, but I'm gonna try.

Parking lot meetings are sometimes quite productive. One at work for about half an hour with Karen, I think I helped her sort her thoughts out...

and tonight at the Safeway, the fella who helped me take the groceries out to the car has a son whose cancer is rare and getting worse. I realized for like, a split second, that I was tempted to one-up the guy (I definitely thought 'Scotty's was worse, was rarer, was...' - then I shut that inner voice up). That wasn't my role, that wasn't my job. For whatever reason, this guy confides in me, and he's moved here from Texas with his Pipefitters' pension, to try and take care of his 44 year old son who promised that "hey, dad? would you come out and stay with me, I promise if you do, I'll get better"... and he's like, 60 exactly, (he was 16 when his son was born) and I don't think he tells people what's going on with him, very often.

I shut up. I listened and made listening noise and eye contact. I told him I was going to pray for him, and I did.

and I called my mom tonight because I have been thinking of my dad and brother a lot the last week or so and I needed to talk to her. It was a good thing.

Choir went well. I both dread and look forward to being forced to sight-sing.

It's scary as hell. *grin* I'm glad I keep going.
Good for me to remember that there's stuff I wanna do that I have to work on learning how to do it.

and this lesson's visceral. the fear locks up in my belly, and the frustration makes me squint and work harder, and I angle my head so I can hear the other altos and try to tune in to what they're singing...

very physical. Is good stuff.

LEARN, FORGET, RELEARN!

This is the Pattern! Until you really internalize it, make the knowledge a real part of you!

My struggles to learn about my relationship patterns mirror a time in high school when I struggled to learn the meaning of the word EPIPHANY. I had to look that word up in the dictionary every time I ran across it - must have been 5 or 6 times, had a little A-HA moment each time. At some point, I actually GOT it.
Ironic, huh?
It's also like a few minutes ago, when I tried to stretch my tight hamstring which was kinking up my lower back (again). By working the muscle isometrically (holding the leg static while tensing the muscle strongly and repeatedly) the pain and stiffness goes away. This worked better than a long walk, much better than a static stretch. And I know I've done this before, probably done it many times.

I had a habit of falling into manipulative and somewhat abusive relationships (not all of my relationships were like this, just about half) because they were familiar and comfortable as long as I refused to think about what was really going on, or what I really needed and wanted...

Perhaps, as they say, you cannot unlearn what has been learned.
But, you can sometimes, (I seem to have done so repeatedly) forget that you knew a thing, for months or even years at a time.

Reviewing records and career files yesterday: I knew in 1992 (wrote an essay) that I wanted, needed to be in an environment with supportive, positive coworkers, lots of people contact, working for an organization whose mission I can really get behind with all my heart.

So then, during my most recent two jobhunts (last late-summer and fall, and now) I've spent HOW much time, taking tests, and journalling, to find out the same exact results.
AGAIN.

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

"Already knowing" something is no use at all, if you can't pull it out of storage, activate it, and make it useful.

But now I've seen the pattern and I can try to keep aware.

I'm rereading Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation.
This was a Christmas present from my sister, and the only thing I read during the Christmastime trip to New York to visit my inlaws.
Extensive self-analysis follows...
( Read more... )
Mertuil had a great post a few weeks back... she covered lots on the topic of wanting/not wanting, needing/not needing, the social acceptability of wanting. And then, she made a list of I wants.
Bravissima.
You inspire me...
Not necessarily to make a similar list today, but in recognizing that it is okay to WANT stuff. And that not all the stuff I want is STUFF. Mostly it's not.
I'll say this for my Xpouse - he didn't begrudge me any possessions. I am well provided for, all pots, pans, art, furniture, that I require, I have.
So those spiritual and emotional needs...( Read more... )

It's scary to want things. It's scary to admit to having ideals or crazy obsessions, or to lusting after someone or something.
It's not polite.
It's not what the "good girl" in the back of my head (aka the Critic, in Sark's lexicon) wants to admit to.

Gods bless my friend Anne, ( Read more... )
And you realize that there is virtually no reason why your life can't be a beautiful thing, with loving accomplishments, friends, family, community.

So, even if I'm a "bad girl" (which makes me giggle, actually), and even if I never hook up with a permanent partner or soulmate, my life is worthy.
And even if it's not polite, or pretty, I'm going to enthusiastically go after all those things that feed my soul.
...even if I can't have those things forever... (hell, who said anything lasted forever anyway?)

http://www.authentichappiness.org
take the tests there.
Here's one of mine.


VIA Signature Strengths Survey

( Read more... )

I highly recommend this site. Can't recommend it enough.