My sister-in-law is in a pretty strapped situation right now. She's got a month old brand new baby. The father of the baby has turned out to be a pretty s***** person: untrustworthy and abusive enough that the cops actually put a Stay Away order on him. Her 18-year-old has moved out, and is now sending her abusive messages. She has depression and other issues that have put her on disability. And she's overwhelmed. Because of course her landlord wants to sell the house she's been living in, now in this covid-drenched pandemic hellscape.

*Measured breathing*

I want to help and don't know really sure how to. I know what I would do in her shoes. I actually DID a lot of the things I would recommend to her, when I was her age.

Our life experience is really similar on multiple axes, main difference being I didn't have kids (thank goodness, and no offense to anyone with kids or who wanted kids) Life is easier without having to wrangle, raise and educate kids... And my body being what it is, I'm even more glad that I didn't.

Okay.

Here's where I say the things I can't say elsewhere, and especially not to her.
I feel like she's been bullied all her life. By her birth family, by men she hoped to build a life with. Her mom was bullied by HER birth family. Her mom is COWED. Her dad is an *asshole*, to put it bluntly. (Yes it's personal. No I'm not getting into it, except to say that he fucked up, so it's on him to fix it, it's emphatically Not My Job.)

I wanna help. But I just fuckin' feel sorry for her (and for her mom) and wanna wave my magic wand and Fix It All. But I know she has to build it herself.

My focus is to A) hold my own boundaries. B) encourage her to make conscious choices. C) encourage her to discover healthy boundaries and healthy relationships and seek them out.

I haven't priested like this in a long time. I'm out of the habit (haha) and I'm going to need to practice balancing my own needs and not overextending myself, with offering the kinds of help I can afford to offer.

Not sure what I'm asking for, except maybe support and validation of any of y'all have worked before with women struggling in an abusive situation who feel overwhelmed and trapped.

At least she's not living with the current asshole. But she was still trying to propitiate him with her baby name choice, so ... *Throws hands up in the air*

Had a nice second date with Johnny, when I said I needed something more substantial than coffee he just walked us a couple blocks past the coffee place we were meeting at, and the little diner was cozy, cute and clean. It felt like being looked after, in a tiny way. He seems like a good human being who's done a lot of stuff and likes telling interesting stories about it, but I didn't feel talked over or anything, there was always room for me at the table.

(More coming, stay tuned)

I thought about asking him what's his favorite thing about being poly, and then I wondered how I would answer the question.

The first thing I thought of was the bad puns and sex jokes within the Polycule group chat. There's also the sense of community, of people who love you enough to stand at your back if you need anything. And then I went from there to think, these people are nourishing to me in different ways, which is why I want to spend time with them.

THEN I remembered times in my life where I've HAD to spend time with people who DRAIN your energy instead of being restful. Jobs, school, teaching. Awful awkward times dating. The Burning Man camp before this last year's, and how aggravating some of those people were who didn't pitch in, who assumed privilege they hadn't earned (getting dragged into hugs by a dude I just met and *didn't want to hug*, getting swatted on the ass by someone I barely knew -both cis white dudes, FTR).

...hang on, I was going somewhere with this...

A huge part of why polyamorous relationships work for me NOW is that NOW I feel secure, safe, loved, trusted and trustworthy. I couldn't have been polyamorous in my earlier relationships at all, not without a lot more pain and panic. (which still did happen frequently during my early days in this lovestyle.) I couldn't have made this go before I started really unpacking my emotional wounds and insecurities, before I felt safe enough to actually speak up about what I needed and wanted, with the trust that I would be both heard and listened to.

I guess it's that polyamorous relationships at their best, like all relationships, are nourishing and support everyone involved. There's a mutual give and take but it's not just a DYAD. There's a conscious acknowledgement that other people exist and are important in each person's social network and often, love life.

Poly: It's not a simple relationship model. And you can't make blind assumptions about "what IS the relationship" the way I did in earlier mostly-monogamous relationships I had. For polyamorous, particularly romantic relationships for ME, we have to do a lot of work DTR (AKA defining the relationship).

I flailed around FOREVER in my early years
of life, as far as making friends, in both childhood and adolescence. Human connection was a deep mystery to me. My family wasn't a good place to learn how to connect with people, so I learned, mostly on an Intellectual level, "how to people" and "how to friend". I tried to build frameworks of acceptable interaction to avoid ostracism and humiliation, with only partial success.

A common downfall and cause of conflict in all relationships, I think, is when each party assumes they know the shape of the interaction, the commitments that are implicit, the expected duties on both sides. This can be friends, this can be boss-employee, this can be co-workers, teachers and students, even FAMILY, and of course we have ideas about what our lovers should be.

We all have models in our heads of what these look like, feel like, and how they will provide benefits for US, and what is our part of the job in return or exchange.

But I'm finally consciously realizing, THAT'S NOT THE CASE. That's never BEEN the case. Your model of friendship is different than mine. That's why we negotiate our friendship over time. The job relationship is gonna look different between me and my boss and someone else and my boss. That relationship is ALSO negotiated BETWEEN us as co workers.

It's about how consciously you inhabit your own life and how consciously or unconsciously other people negotiate, or navigate maybe, that's not a horrible metaphor, relationship spaces.

so I'm going to say that right now today, my favorite thing about polyamory is that it forced me to examine my assumptions about what relationships even are. And that is giving me the freedom to have completely different take on The World and to be a lot more intentional with where I spend my time my intention my money basically how I do everything!

There's that one saying I remember that I struggled with understanding for years as a kid and teenager, along the lines of how you do one thing is how you do everything. And I would like to say that my goals for the rest of my life include being intentional careful and kind in all my relationships.

(I need to come back and hack at this again some more, there's definitely more to be said. And this needs more editing, but whatever, for right now.)

If you want, Beloved Reader, tell me what you think about conscious relationship choices, below.

Was talking with Jenn this morning and we were talking about sex and kissing and generally being fed, emotionally.

Being fed, emotionally, is what I call intimacy.

I was thinking about writing a Tumblr post, and maybe I'll adapt this for that purpose, because Intimacy comes in a MILLION forms that AREN'T sex. And there needs to be an understanding of that. Across the board, there needs to be an understanding of that.

Sex isn't necessarily intimacy. Sex doesn't necessarily feed your spirit and self, or make you feel satisfied.

Orgasm isn't necessarily intimacy either. (though sex without a satisfying orgasm can be classified as "bad sex", it can still feel intimate, especially if there's clear communication about what's going on and why, or if at least one partner feels like it's a gift to their partner) I could write so much about this, but that's what I've got at the moment.

Intimacy can be the right amount of eye contact during a meaningful discussion.
Or it can be someone who knows just when to offer a hug, and who holds on as long as you need it..
Intimacy can be the kind of hug where you can hear the other person's heartbeat and you just feel safe.
Or it can be touching and being touched in the ways that feel satisfying.

(I'm laughing at myself a little, because part of the reason I'm writing this is that I've had a song stuck in my head for two days, and it seems like it's an anthem for ace/asexual folks...)



Intimacy isn't about being naked with someone. (necessarily!) I've been hot tubbing for literally decades. It can be sexual, it can be chill. It can be friendly, or there can be no connection whatever between you and the other naked person...

But then there's this: One time at Kiva (santa cruz hot tub place) I met someone in the public space talking-allowed tub. For some reason we wound up talking about the fact that I was considering having ACL reconstruction/knee surgery. Probably that my body was hurting all the time, and I'd only recently finally learned that the ACL on my right knee wasn't just damaged, it was not just broken, but it was completely GONE. My ACL had broken so long before I and my doctors figured it out and got the MRI testing done, that my body had cannibalized the tissue, cleaned it right out.

I'm talking to the guy. It felt safe to express my fears about surgery, generally, and also to explain and describe the ongoing chronic pain I had been suffering. (when your body is missing a structural member, the muscles elsewhere in the body overwork to make up for that lack. This frequently causes serious pain.)

He says, I had that kind of surgery twenty years ago, things are VERY different now. He lifts his knee out of the water, there's a giant red scar circling 2/3-3/4 of his knee. He says, this is how they used to do ACL replacement, before arthroscopic surgery. He describes the process, which I'll spare you from hearing. Then he describes how they do surgery "now" (in 2011) with small incisions, a camera to guide the surgeon, and a much shorter recovery time.

Being naked and in a trusting environment facilitated the intimacy. Which was the sharing of personal stories, advice, and perspective, and LISTENING. Listening, with a mind to HELP.

I did get that surgery, (which is now 7 years ago on my personal timeline) in part because I had this conversation. He said it was worth getting, even back when he got it, even with the extensive scarring and longer recovery period. I'd thank him, if I met him again and recognized him.

That felt intimate. Shared stories and kindness.

Contrariwise, I have an ex boyfriend who used the being naked together/having been naked together, as an awkward means to try and reconnect and/or hit on people. It became One of his usual greetings. "Hey, haven't I seen you naked?"

He thought he was funny, I guess. Eh. *eyeroll*

My friend L is asexual, smart, funny, punny, charming, cute. She's one of the reasons why that song up there got stuck in my head. I've taken a year of pottery classes with her, and we camped together at Burning Man this year, sharing some adventures. We come from different backgrounds, but we always have been able to talk about all kinds of things. She asks the most interesting questions, because she's *interested* in people and how they think and feel about a variety of different things.

Conversations with L are always interesting and intimate. Lots of people say "small talk is bullshit" but she asks real questions, and answers real questions thoughtfully. She's really REAL.

Another example: a different friend needed a safe space and to be listened to and be a little bit squished last night. Then she needed to cry. She cried, for hours, on my shoulder and in my arms. She needed to talk and vent about her sorrows and anger and disappointment about her relationship disintegrating under her, despite her best efforts. And her efforts have been many, detailed, and persistent, in trying to "fix" her marriage, to communicate clearly, to set her boundaries. I admire the work she's been doing, and I'm fucking sad as hell and disappointed in her partner for blowing past her boundaries, ignoring her communication, and failing to show up and meet her with a similar amount of effort.

But being the person who she feels safe enough to cry with?

That's a kind of intimacy like no other. Offering her safe space and the kind of physical contact she needed to let go for awhile... there was nothing sexual involved, just two humans being human together in pain and comfort.

Intimacy comes in friendly touch, in fixing someone's hair or collar, scratching the spot on their back that they can't reach. (I think of those grooming touches as a monkey-mind socialization.)

Intimacy can be instant and temporary, or can build over time.

and the thing that I finally understand, after years and years of working on my "trust issues" and anxiety and depression, is that it's always always always based on *mutual* consent and connection.

Post two is coming up.
There's a dark underbelly that I wanted to keep separate from this particular discussion.

We spend too long being annoyed or frustrated with each other between times where we actually TELL each other that we're annoyed and/or frustrated.

It does neither of us any good to build our shells around ourselves and then bonk our shells together.

What I want is for us to break open the shells and rebuild so that we're both inside the same space, working together.