Be the change you want to see.

Poem a day
Haunted Object, Day 7

The skull clattered on the mantlepiece.
An unearthly voice cleaved the darkness:
...repent...
said the voice, as ice crystals formed on the windows.
*
Shivering, and full of nameless fears, I replied,
"wwwhat? what should I repent, dread spirit?"
*
The bones rattled again, in a decidedly impatient fashion, I thought.
*
...repent your lies... repent your drunkenness and debauchery ... repent that hole in your heart where compassion should be! ... repent your betrayal of the American Dream!...
Gradually growing louder, it finally yelled, ...and repent all of your actions, which have besmirched your family name!...
*
after a moment of terror, the penny dropped for me.
*
"Oh honey. You're haunting the wrong family member. I'm BRITTANY Kavanaugh. You obviously want my punk-ass bitch cousin Brett, who never met a beer he didn't like or a girl he didn't lust after in his heart."
*
The moment of silence that came from the clattering skull could have been characterized as sheepish.
*
...very well then...
*
The temperature of the room slowly began to increase, and my breath stopped fogging in the air.
*
...you may pass. my apologiesssssssss for the error...
*
Best believe I was out of there faster than a Republican denies responsibility for his or her actions...
*
*
*
Apologies for bringing current events into it, but I'm going with the first prompt interpretation that hits my brain, and I thought this was funny. it's better than the rage I've been swimming in, I'll take it.

Day 3: prompt is Cryptid

slinking forth from the forest
blending with the trees
gliding soundlessly towards where you were
*
you never saw
you never heard
the wind rippled
that alone showed my passing
*
the fire was warm
comforting
mesmerizing
you played guitar and sang
irresistibly i was drawn to you
*
it was only after i embraced you
that i noticed the music had stopped
only after i withdrew
that i noticed the fire was out
and the chill froze my heart
and the ground, and your body
frost covered dull blackness where fire had been
*
i killed what i loved
without knowing i could, or would
untouchable forever
untouching forever
my fate, my ignorance and how it played out
*
i wander now
so far from mankind
what am i?
doesn't matter.
i pay for my thoughtlessness
with aching aloneness
*
i swore nevermore to snuff out life
even at the cost
of loving ever again.

the meme I mentioned in my previous post:

Day: Subject

1: Witch
2: Black Cat
3: Cryptid
4: Mushroom
5: Laboratory
6: Ghost
7: Haunted Object
8: Yokai (??)
9: Spider Baby (??)
10: Lagoon (Creature)

11: Bat (soft and fuzzy sky puppy)
12: Vampire (emotional vampire
13: Grave/Coffin (Flonk meets Janelle)
14: Skeleton (my own bones)
15: Owl (I'm thinking Athena/Medusa)
16: Goblin (unslaked hunger)
17: Werewolf
18: Rats
19: Seance
20: Serpent
21: Alien (how he looked at me)
22: Pumpkin
23: Monster (Freestyle)
24: Hunter's Moon
25: Dark Forest
26: Toad
27: Swamp Thing
28: Raven (Morrigan, or eyeballs)
29: Mary Shelley
30: Bride
31: Frankenstein (the musical)

hey y'all
sorry i've basically let this place get dusty. Been focusing almost exclusively on writing fic, and blogging has fallen way way to the side. I'm processing my stuff, my personal stuff, by working it into stories, and i'm having a lot of fun, plus I think i'm definitely becoming a better writer.

i write a lot on tumblr, but it's mostly replies, occasional snarky comments, and i write daily stuff up on facebook.

livejournal just sent me a notice that their attempt to charge my credit card for my subscription failed, which is just as well because i don't wanna support a russian company anymore. unfortunately that means that some photos have probably been tossed on the trash heap because if you're not paying them they won't store your shit. oh well.

if you would like to read my stories, i recommend that you check out the delightfully queer hockey webcomic Check, Please (came for the gay, stayed for the hockey) at this lovely and well crafted link! wow i can't believe i still remember that little html trick!

okay, so i'm still dealing with my usual adhd but the kaiser doctor doesn't believe that i have the adhd she says i do have the depression so that's something I'm planning on researching.

i am still pretty sure i do have adhd but *shrug* if they're not going to do meds for me that's fine, i'll keep trying to fuckin figure out how to get my routines back organized. I'm a little bit mad about it but fuck them.

okay. i hope all y'all are having a good 2018 so far i promise i will try to come back up in here and get caught up with your lives and all.

*mwah*

hi there brains!

(I've been watching a lot of How to ADHD on YouTube lately.)

funny you should ask, yes I have been learning more about adhd recently. Last week I asked my primary care physician about what kind of referral I would need to explore possible medication for adhd. she checked her email at around 10:30 pm, which I give her a lot of credit for, and told me she had set up a referral with psychiatry for adhd testing for me and an intake with one of the docs over there.

so today was testing in the morning. I had a chance to grab a slice of pumpkin pie and my emergency instant coffee on my way out the door.

i got there on time! v. excite!

had an intake form briefly asking how often I dealt with various symptoms. Losing possessions, failure to calendar things, I can't remember exactly what was on the list BUT I can add a photo of it to this post after I'm done.

*insert photo here*

The test itself was a click-the-mouse test. you were meant to hit the space bar anytime a letter flashed on the screen. except X, you were supposed to ignore X.

holy shit. once I knew what the test was I said "oh dear lord" I almost said, fucking kill me now. (and I never really say that)

I had to do that shit for fifteen minutes straight and it was fucking EVIL.

i'll get my results in a week to 10 days but I'm already working under the premise that I have this thing i have too many symptoms in the DSM-5 to NOT have it. I'm dang curious about the medication now though.

i just wanna take care of myself better, take care of Jeff and my house and the cats better. Wanna finish projects and hopefully focus better to finish my writing and other creative projects (I have some short sexy fic up on Archive of our Own that I'm pretty proud of, and more in the pipeline, it's just tough to finish.)

love and miss all yall, hopefully you are well and taking good care of yourselves.

I'll try to be back soon.

Homework: write list of affirmation (I am, Liz is, Lizzie, you are)

Lara wants me to write lists of affirmations, and she said by using different ways to access the brain new things can come to light. so, first person, third person, second person.

I've done something similar before in exercises to access my subconscious mind. Feri calls that part of us, Fetch, also known as Child-self. Fetch is the part of ourselves that cannot be accessed by words or logic, it's nonverbal, responds to and communicates by way of sensory input and feelings: colors, smells, texture, I like, I don't like, crying, laughing.

anyway. that's kind of a digression, but not entirely so.

and welp, I don't really have any idea how to do affirmations. We were doing some short breathing meditations on Thursday and she was talking me through it and one thing she said was to "celebrate your successes" and my brain just... like a needle scratch across a 45 record. Like those words, they didn't parse.

1) Celebrate ME?
and
2) I don't even know what success IS. How can I grasp it long enough to celebrate it, and note 1).

*sour face*

I know that is entirely the wrong way to go about this assignment. I'm okay with being stuck for the moment.

Arbitrarily I'm picking TEN as how many genuine affirmations I have to come up with. I'm going to go look up the proper definition, and I'm going to promise myself to not be weasel worded with my list.

I want to be authentic, and to really give myself a frame.

I spend entirely too much time in my head, chewing over all the ways I'm certain I've fucked up, broken things, made irredeemable or unforgivable mistakes. I'm not even very good at faking that I think I'm all that.

The one thing I have going for me right now with regard to my mental health, is my vivid memories of how shitty the inside of my head used to be, before therapy, before beloved friends taught me about community and ritual, before I learned some new coping skills and strategies to get around my constant mental noise and chaos.

I do know that I'm LOTS better than I was 20 years ago.
that can be my first affirmation, because it's definitely true.

I am healthier stronger and I cope much better with my life and my stress than I did 20 years ago (@ age 27)
I am proud of myself for my commitment to my own physical fitness, health and well being. Go me!
I am in love with moving my body in beautiful and pleasurable ways.
I am looking forward to growing older in strength, passion, and my hopes to help fix the world.

Liz is learning to balance generosity with self care and not be a fucking martyr.
Liz is no longer in love with or clinging to her own pain.
Liz is worth someone wanting to get to know her and share dreams together.
Liz is getting over her fear of trying new things that she nonetheless WANTS (yay ukelele! yay dating!)

Lizzie, you are kind and generous and you're learning to be gentle.
Lizzie, you are welcome in the world, there is space for you to contribute and be useful and loved.
Lizzie, you are big hearted and creative, with a million ideas and possible solutions.
Lizzie, you are continuing to forge your own path and it's gonna be hard, but you can definitely do this thing.

I have a community. I have a safe home. I have ... security. And that's all still hard to believe sometimes, since I know there are old riverbeds in which it's easy to let the waters run... but I've chosen a new watercourse, and I'm using what I have to try to make a difference, instead of dwelling and staying stuck in my old crapola. I'm strong enough. I'm flexible enough. I'm determined enough, and I'm creative enough.

I wrote a poem on May 4.
it looks better in the handwriting but here it is:

SELF LOVE
is a
RADICAL ACT
of
REBELLION
against
THE POWERS THAT BE
who want you and us to
FEEL HELPLESS
TRAPPED
POWERLESS
LONELY, UNLOVED
WORTHLESS STUCK

LOVING YOURSELF
FEELS GOOD and is
GOOD FOR YOU and can
LET YOU HEAL all your WOUNDS