Partner count. ( À question of sex)

[labelleizzy]

Huh.
Trying to do a sex partner tally.
(Was on OkCupid reviewing match questions with someone)

I think I've only had sex with 17 people, if I define sex as, "everyone was willing and at least one orgasm occurred."

That is 17 in 32 years.
I need to think about, do I have feelings about that. And if so, what feelings do I have?

Hmmmmm

Comments

[noahgibbs]

For whatever good an external opinion is worth: that number doesn't seem high enough or low enough that I'd know *what* the "obvious" external criticism of it would look like.

I can think of people who would say "too high" or "too low" about it, but that says more about them (and/or me) than it does about the number.

[meepettemu]

Is that 32 as in you’re 32, or 32 as in that’s the number of years since you started having sex? It doesn’t ‘matter’ either way of course, just curious.

My number is a lot higher, but in the last 12 years it’s been 9 people I think, so I’ve slowed down massively. I think about whether I’m satisfied with where I am now and what I want sex+me to look like from here :)

[serendipity17]

I'm at just the one, so it always feels as though discussion of the subject is violating privacy, on account of that there's no plausible deniability about whom I am speaking. Collectively all y'alls don't need my partner's info or the bulk of our stories, and there's a tiny bit of squick re: the concept of other people's specific info.

[mimerki]

I just appreciate that we have such similar definitions.

Externally, that number is a lovely prime number, but all of your feelings about it are valid and worthy.

[cjsmith]

I love your definition. Me: 19.

I’m now musing on the fact that my numbers change immensely based on whose orgasm I’m counting. I hadn’t realized the difference was quite so.. dramatic. Me if we count MY orgasms: 7.

[meepettemu]

Interestingly. By my definition of sex I’ve had sex with someone. By theirs I haven’t. And the difference was in the orgasm occurring (or not, in this case!)

[tarasacon]

Huh.
A) That's the sort of match question I used to skip.

B) We have different definitions of sex. I don't know what my definition currently is, but orgasm isn't a requirement, just a clarifying aspect. Which is in no way a judgement on your definition. Your definition is much handier.

[tarasacon]

PS: I'm here for any and all feelings you have about your numbers. I have recently been having feelings about the rate of change I have experienced in my numbers at various points in my life.

[hafnia]

I mean, I'm at 4, with 12 years of being sexually active.

The partner is at 16 for 14 years.

I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer. :)

[labelleizzy]

Thanks for that comment... That's a part of what I'm sitting with. That there isn't a "right" or "wrong" answer, but a part of me is sure that... or, Not exactly sure, that it's a competition? With who IDK...

And if I sit a little bit more, I can tell that what *I* want, isn't a competition, isn't notches on the bedpost. I don't want to be "sluttier" or lower my standards, I don't think I *could* anyway. I can't get it up unless I care about someone and like them a lot.

I think I just need to sit more, maybe write more, about what "having a number" means to me, while teasing out what I think this puritanical gynophobic culture tries to sneak into our heads about women and sex and value and worth.

There. That feels right.

[hitchhiker]

for what it's worth that does not seem remarkable in either the unexpectedly-high or unexpectedly-low direction to me (my number is 12 which is honestly more than past me would have expected). if it has led you to muse that in retrospect you would have liked to have more sex and more partners in your life, that is also fair and valid.

[tshuma]

I think I'm around 18 myself. I know people for whom that is an incredibly high number, and I know others who are reaching for or into the triple digits who surpassed my number before they were out of college (at the usual age for such things).

I know I once had a problem with what seemed like large numbers, but I was pretty freshly out of a southern baptist home life at the time that was true. I don't really have feelings around the number now.

(icon choice to match yours, although I could never match that cleavage! *fans self*)

nice icon!

[labelleizzy]

yeah i don't get to use this icon much. =) leaping at the chance!

ty for the compliment!

i have a new crocheted halter that's really quite flattering. I should think about taking some more photos of me in that.

i think the whole question of "what's your number" is likely one branch of the traditional puritannical slut shaming and gynophobia and I think I'm glad I don't really seem to feel any kind of way about it anymore.

[labelleizzy]

i'm 50. Had first boyfriend and sex partner in college once i turned 18 (we met when I was 17, but he was smart about legal question because he was 21 and we waited till after my birthday)

your last sentence there: being satisfied (or not) and what I want sex to look, feel, be like for myself... that's really the point.

and i need to figure out how to better communicate around sex. I missed my shot on at least two occasions in the last few years where I really wanted that connection with someone but was too ...dense, or too convinced /they couldn't possibly want me/?

ARGH.

[labelleizzy]

you are the one who gets to choose to share your stories or not.
it's on the consent spectrum.
and definitely you shouldn't have to hear tmi you don't want in your brain, but i understand how some folks overshare (including me at some inopportune moments over my lifetime, but I've definitely also had that inflicted on me at times I Did Not Want.)

[labelleizzy]

I mean, orgasms are one part of sex. Makeouts are too, and are sometimes more meaningful. One of the "ones who got away" was SO GOOD at kissing, but he hadn't communicated with his partner (they, and I, were poly at the time) so I didn't get a second date.

I think I like the term "sexytimes" more than "sex" these days. Sexytimes includes kissing, flirting, dancing together meaningfully, eyefucking, teasing. Like a whole RANGE of activities, not just orgasm-driven behaviour.

and thanks for the reassurance (it IS a lovely prime number!)