Be the change you want to see.

Ow.

(Hell, I could make that one word the whole post, just leave it there. But that's not ME, so...)

Workout on Wednesday again, after something like two weeks of not working out, letting my gum graft and top incision heal. I did light housework and gardening, and I'm still getting used to the idea that my body is what it is now (as opposed to what it was while my knee was borked and I slowly gave up dance and most of my other active hobbies). My body is pretty strong now.

But stronger doesn't mean I'm not gonna hurt pretty bad after a solid workout, especially one tailored towards my current weaknesses.

I let Tal know that I recovered well by two weeks after surgery, but that I'd had a couple troubling things happened toward the end of the two weeks.

One was, I'm working on disassembling a structure in the backyard (a kind of cat-run installed by the previous tenants), and discovered that using a hand-screwdriver with hand-arm at shoulder height, led to numbness and tingling in the ring-&-pinky of the hand I was using (my dominant hand), and that I'd dropped the screwdriver three times in an afternoon after those symptoms made it difficult/awkward to hold the screwdriver firmly.

Tal asked had I had any carpal tunnel; I have no such diagnosis, but I allowed that I had, after many years of mousing on the right, and some nervy-feelings in hand and elbow, moved my mouse to my left. But now that Jeff and I share a desktop machine, that's a less convenient thing; and I'm mousing on the right again. Meh.

I suspect that may have contributed to a particular part of the workout where I laid on a mat on my belly, externally rotated my humerus and attempted to point my thumbs at the sky, and then had to pump my arms backwards (up) and hold; had to hold there and raise my chest from the mat. (also that's probably contributory to why my lower back is SO freaking sore that I had trouble sleeping, and was walking like an injured person when I got up this morning.)

Two was, I'd been losing my balance slightly as I've been walking around the house. Catching myself on walls and counters, not all the time, but y'know, a few times is disconcerting enough.

I suspect THAT observation may have been why Tal had me do a lateral leaping movement-exercise, like the Olympic speed-skaters; and why my damn hamstrings and inner thighs are crying out in pain today.

If it hurts bad enough after working it that I need ibuprofen and careful warmups and stretching (and even a soak in my god blessed hot tub!~ for the stretching), then OBVIOUSLY I need to be working those more.

Okay.

This too shall pass, I know. I need to drink more water today (and less tea generally when I am this sore), keep the ibuprofen regular, and move more than I sit.

that said, I'm off to dress in real clothes and get back to work on disassembling the cat run.

Recently the idea circulated round here on Livejournal to describe oneself in terms of absolute truth yet to paint what might be considered an untruthful picture of yourself as a whole.

In contemplating this idea I'm realizing that I can only think of descriptors of how I *used* to be but am no longer, or events or injuries, or choices I made, which can no longer describe the me I am now.

What am I now?

A teacher, a student, an artist. A dreamer, an idealist, a warrior for the truth. A happy homemaker. A woman with two lovers. A woman who is moving out of Mother phase but is not ready for Croning... I think Teacher and Warrior make good intermediate stages, don't you?

I am a crafter and a destroyer and a designer. I am a gardener and a keeper of the flame. I pray and I meditate and I struggle with forgiveness.

I am forgetful when I get immersed in technological storytelling. I get sucked in SO BAD by computer, TV, or phone that I try to take media-free vacation days where I don't touch any of them. This is hard though because the smartphone is soooo magnetic...

I have good intentions that I don't always follow through on. I miss my own deadlines. Yet I am still producing more and better quality projects with greater quotae of finished-ness than I have ever done before.

I get a lot done some days, and some days I do nothing at all. I'm okay with that. I quit shaming myself and beating myself up over not meeting my own or others' expectations, somewhere around five years ago. It didn't help, and it made me feel miserable.

I try to live for myself now. I try to DO a lot for others, but that's different than LIVING for others, the way I used to. I make my own goals and help my life to have rhythms that meet the goals without panicking or pushing myself, or at least not any more than a natural focus and attention to detail requires.

I love more easily. I don't tolerate drama much anymore. My ups and my downs both tend to be flatter than they once were (of course we used to be talking Himalayas and Marianis Trench, so that's actually a GOOD thing!)... and because I no longer need to wallow in my OMG SQUEE or OMG POOR ME, I do indeed Get More Stuff Done. More art, more fun things, more time with the cats and my sweeties. Soon, more time for my friends, and I can't wait!

simplification is very appealing. purging the unnecessary is very appealing, and I'm more ruthless than I ever have been. but, but I get overwhelmed by the leftovers of my former lives. Especially paper, especially in huge piles still packed up from the last move or the move before that one. so I don't deal with it for long periods of time. maybe I can trade with someone I trust: I'll go through that one box of paper for you if you will go through that box of paper for me. Save out the things that are actually useful and trash the rest.

I have tattoo plans that might surprise some people.

If I love you, live with you, and am happy and content, I will match and fold your socks in the laundry. If I'm pissed off, your socks will still be clean but you will have to turn them right side around and match them up for yourself. (I just turned a TON of socks right-side around today and matched them all up and made a pretty drawer-space for them. Today is a good day!)

Sometimes I'm a hypocrite in small ways. For instance, I will often forget to clean up after myself when working on a project, but if someone ELSE does that I get very angry. (shrug) Guess that's pretty human.

I'm working on (gently escorting) some bad habits (downstairs and out the door). Some I can't get rid of myself, so I plan to hire someone to help. Namely, a fitness/rehabilitation coach. Best advice on this: find someone my age or older who GETS what it means to rehab an injury or illness, and will listen when I say, this is my goal, how can I best and most safely achieve it?

I like to brain dump and don't always bother to come to a pretty conclusion. =)