epiphany #2,937 of ten million...

[labelleizzy]

I think I've figured out a great big part of my problem as I work thru the phases of the Waldorf teacher training.

I've had this problem my WHOLE LIFE, and it manifests out in a variety of different ways.
I want to belong SO BAD that I ... push. I push outward, striving to find and create intimacy on an artificial timeline. I want to put down roots. I want to be HOME.

My discomfort of the last two days is related to feeling like "this could be home" or judging "this SHOULD be home" and then my roots start pushing outward, looking for the rich soil of connection and community.

Problem: I DON'T belong. I might belong someday, but I don't belong THERE, now. And I have to accept that, and work around it.

So I'm imagining myself, my life, as a potted plant, some kind of lively tree in a pot that is simply too small.

Naturally I'm going to try to poke my roots out, it's what trees DO. But I don't HAVE to take primary sustenance from what's outside my pot (my personal life), my pot has nutrients enough. And I can imagine my pot being carried to this place, carried to that place, doing the work that this tree needs to do =), and sampling the earth wherever I go.

I am enough, and I have enough. I am not starving anymore, I can rein in that behavior.

I can bring what I am able to bring to the school and the students, and go home and get fed with family, kittehs, and friends. And I can bring what I am able to bring to the Waldorf teacher training, and get fed there somewhat, help feed others somewhat, work my ass off, and come home to rest and recharge.

I am enough, and I have enough.

As far as the rest goes, I'll keep on keeping on, let myself recognize what I'm feeling, and keep learning from it.

Comments

[tsgeisel.livejournal.com]

And gosh darn it, people like you.

[sarabellae.livejournal.com]

Patience, dear one. All will be well.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

excellent observations.

[deedeebythebay.livejournal.com]

Interestingly enough, this happened to me this weekend. Now, granted, it was only a three day training session but in the past I would have done whatever it took to make friends with just about everyone.

Instead, when one person ended up being overly physical one day (playfully smacking me enough to leave bruises, even when asked not to) and then the next being a highly negative person, I simply got up and moved to a new space, not worrying about what they thought. (I would have moved earlier but we'd been placed in groups and I wasn't sure if it was ok and there wasn't another chair open anyway.)

I also chose to use the time as quiet regeneration for myself rather than trying to hook up with some potential new friends and go out to dinner or something.

No, instead, I did some shopping, some studying and a lot of sleeping. I put out a sign-up sheet so I could do some networking for my job, but that's about as much as I did.

And, ironically, I had three or four women come to me late on the 2nd day and on the 3rd day to make connections. That worked well.

But yeah, I get it. I have enough. I'm not starving. My pot travels with. *hugs*