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I think I've figured out a great big part of my problem as I work thru the phases of the Waldorf teacher training.
I've had this problem my WHOLE LIFE, and it manifests out in a variety of different ways.
I want to belong SO BAD that I ... push. I push outward, striving to find and create intimacy on an artificial timeline. I want to put down roots. I want to be HOME.
My discomfort of the last two days is related to feeling like "this could be home" or judging "this SHOULD be home" and then my roots start pushing outward, looking for the rich soil of connection and community.
Problem: I DON'T belong. I might belong someday, but I don't belong THERE, now. And I have to accept that, and work around it.
So I'm imagining myself, my life, as a potted plant, some kind of lively tree in a pot that is simply too small.
Naturally I'm going to try to poke my roots out, it's what trees DO. But I don't HAVE to take primary sustenance from what's outside my pot (my personal life), my pot has nutrients enough. And I can imagine my pot being carried to this place, carried to that place, doing the work that this tree needs to do =), and sampling the earth wherever I go.
I am enough, and I have enough. I am not starving anymore, I can rein in that behavior.
I can bring what I am able to bring to the school and the students, and go home and get fed with family, kittehs, and friends. And I can bring what I am able to bring to the Waldorf teacher training, and get fed there somewhat, help feed others somewhat, work my ass off, and come home to rest and recharge.
I am enough, and I have enough.
As far as the rest goes, I'll keep on keeping on, let myself recognize what I'm feeling, and keep learning from it.
I've had this problem my WHOLE LIFE, and it manifests out in a variety of different ways.
I want to belong SO BAD that I ... push. I push outward, striving to find and create intimacy on an artificial timeline. I want to put down roots. I want to be HOME.
My discomfort of the last two days is related to feeling like "this could be home" or judging "this SHOULD be home" and then my roots start pushing outward, looking for the rich soil of connection and community.
Problem: I DON'T belong. I might belong someday, but I don't belong THERE, now. And I have to accept that, and work around it.
So I'm imagining myself, my life, as a potted plant, some kind of lively tree in a pot that is simply too small.
Naturally I'm going to try to poke my roots out, it's what trees DO. But I don't HAVE to take primary sustenance from what's outside my pot (my personal life), my pot has nutrients enough. And I can imagine my pot being carried to this place, carried to that place, doing the work that this tree needs to do =), and sampling the earth wherever I go.
I am enough, and I have enough. I am not starving anymore, I can rein in that behavior.
I can bring what I am able to bring to the school and the students, and go home and get fed with family, kittehs, and friends. And I can bring what I am able to bring to the Waldorf teacher training, and get fed there somewhat, help feed others somewhat, work my ass off, and come home to rest and recharge.
I am enough, and I have enough.
As far as the rest goes, I'll keep on keeping on, let myself recognize what I'm feeling, and keep learning from it.
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