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I have this not-fully-fleshed thought this morning/afternoon/whatever... want to explore it.
we call those who are demonstrably self-centered, who speak and act primarily for and about themselves, who demonstrate a belief that their actions and thoughts impact the world: ARROGANT.
is there a term for people who seem to believe that only OTHER people matter? Edit: in a wildly unrealistic or drastically misplaced humility, only other people's thoughts, actions, beliefs matter? Or is that also ARROGANT and SELF-CENTERED, only in a backwards, skewed, or mirror-universe kind of way?
Recently reflecting on my thoughts around the end of the Drama/Reading teaching job... and I recall at some point believing that I didn't need to tell the (drama) students that I wasn't coming back next year... because they'd have a better Drama teacher next year? I know I was rationalizing. I knew it then.
I know to some degree, I decided not to share because it make it be awkward, difficult to do the job... but there was also a touch of "because I didn't matter"...
On one level, I know I did matter. I had students hug and confide in me; I stayed late and sometimes came early to facilitate the things the students were passionate about, I was learning to be an advocate for them.
and yet, I was convinced that me leaving wouldn't matter to them, to the office, to my department...
was it an intellectual conceit to protect my own feelings or to make the perceived emotional impact of my leaving less?
was it a derelict remainder from my years of low self-esteem?
Five summers ago, I expressed shock and amazement when Jeff (we had just started dating) downloaded both Evanescence albums because I was enthusiastic about them; I had just heard one album in its entirety for the first time.
He held my hand and caught my eyes and said, "You know, you have an IMPACT. What you know, what you like, it makes an impression on people."
That blew me away.
Sat there, flummoxed, (and probably crying), trying to assimilate the concept.
I still am made of fail with regards to incorporating this into my life.
Of course, if what I do (or don't do) doesn't matter, there are all sorts of corollaries.
Like, I don't have to work too hard. No one will care.
a whole other bunch of don't have to's follow, of course, (fill in the blanks yourself, you're imaginative people (see, there I go again))
but those don't have to's get blown away if I have made a commitment to live an ethical lifestyle. For me.
Regardless of the impact I believe I have on the world (which =! my actual impact on the world, I know), if I'm living an ethical life, there's the one undeniable reason to follow up on my promises, to work hard and well, to try hard, to work toward personal growth,
For me.
Because it's the right thing to do.
I joke about being a solipsist. I think I need to examine what parts of that notion are valid and workable and which I need to discard.
and maybe in this regard I'm coming at the question ass backwards, I matter because I'm ethical, but until I finish up a bunch of other healing work I think that is the best, clearest path for me to walk, to arrive at the conclusion that I matter.
we call those who are demonstrably self-centered, who speak and act primarily for and about themselves, who demonstrate a belief that their actions and thoughts impact the world: ARROGANT.
is there a term for people who seem to believe that only OTHER people matter? Edit: in a wildly unrealistic or drastically misplaced humility, only other people's thoughts, actions, beliefs matter? Or is that also ARROGANT and SELF-CENTERED, only in a backwards, skewed, or mirror-universe kind of way?
Recently reflecting on my thoughts around the end of the Drama/Reading teaching job... and I recall at some point believing that I didn't need to tell the (drama) students that I wasn't coming back next year... because they'd have a better Drama teacher next year? I know I was rationalizing. I knew it then.
I know to some degree, I decided not to share because it make it be awkward, difficult to do the job... but there was also a touch of "because I didn't matter"...
On one level, I know I did matter. I had students hug and confide in me; I stayed late and sometimes came early to facilitate the things the students were passionate about, I was learning to be an advocate for them.
and yet, I was convinced that me leaving wouldn't matter to them, to the office, to my department...
was it an intellectual conceit to protect my own feelings or to make the perceived emotional impact of my leaving less?
was it a derelict remainder from my years of low self-esteem?
Five summers ago, I expressed shock and amazement when Jeff (we had just started dating) downloaded both Evanescence albums because I was enthusiastic about them; I had just heard one album in its entirety for the first time.
He held my hand and caught my eyes and said, "You know, you have an IMPACT. What you know, what you like, it makes an impression on people."
That blew me away.
Sat there, flummoxed, (and probably crying), trying to assimilate the concept.
I still am made of fail with regards to incorporating this into my life.
Of course, if what I do (or don't do) doesn't matter, there are all sorts of corollaries.
Like, I don't have to work too hard. No one will care.
a whole other bunch of don't have to's follow, of course, (fill in the blanks yourself, you're imaginative people (see, there I go again))
but those don't have to's get blown away if I have made a commitment to live an ethical lifestyle. For me.
Regardless of the impact I believe I have on the world (which =! my actual impact on the world, I know), if I'm living an ethical life, there's the one undeniable reason to follow up on my promises, to work hard and well, to try hard, to work toward personal growth,
For me.
Because it's the right thing to do.
I joke about being a solipsist. I think I need to examine what parts of that notion are valid and workable and which I need to discard.
and maybe in this regard I'm coming at the question ass backwards, I matter because I'm ethical, but until I finish up a bunch of other healing work I think that is the best, clearest path for me to walk, to arrive at the conclusion that I matter.
Tags:
My two cents
The inverse of self-centered I would say is "Selfless." I believe it can have both a positive connotation and a negative one at the base meaning--on the one hand being "selfless" is treated as a good thing because of the societal emphasis on being humanitarian, polite and not being arrogant. Selfless can describe someone who is generous and likes making other people happy. On the other hand, one can look at the actual breakdown of the word "self-less" as a way of expressing a lack of self, a lack of pesonality or character because everyone else's ideas, thoughts, opinions and so forth are automatically valued higher. One who is selfless in the negative sense is forever bulldozed over as a person because of his or her own lack of self worth and esteem.
I dont think "self-centered" and "selfless" are easy words to define as wholely positive or wholely negative. I think that they both contain parts of both and entirely depend on context, timing and execution.
..anyhoos. Dinnnertime!
Hope that helped or gave you something to think about. : )
hugs,
mouse
Re: My two cents
no subject
To use the example from the work of fiction I'm stealing the idea from, character A is describing how he sucks to character B (with whom he is about to sleep), and character B replies "I will not have you insulting my taste in men. I chose you."
Anyway, something to ponder...
Re: My two cents
no subject
actually, that says something both about me and about the boys I have dated... hmph.
no subject
In insisting that one do for others, and never the reverse, a person is creating as uneven and unequal a relationship as he or she is if he/she insists that others serve him/her, and never the reverse. Whether putting yourself on a pedestal or in a pit, you are still separating yourself from the rest of the world.
I'm not a big fan.
no subject
Hang on to this insight, it will treat you well and will help you treat the world well.
I pray to the Lord (who ain't Jesus, for me...) to "make me right sized. let me grow to my full size and strength." And He is.
Being right sized means taking up as much space and energy and time as you natrually do, not being too small or too big, not being artificial. It feels weird and wrong and strange when you start - I got trained as a woman and as a member of a particular christian cult that I wasn't supposed to take up space, wasn't supposed to have authority, wasn't supposed to be acknowledged, wasn't supposed to have boundaries and see them respected, etc, etc, etc... And you know what? That's bullshit.
We are here to grow and to do and to be and to be effective in our Work. And that's best done when we are right sized for us, whatever that size is for us. And that requires breaking out of years of training sometimes, especially for women and women who were raised in certain flavors of christianity.
It feels strange and scary and shocking and like asking for too much sometimes, eh? But... it is your birthright, from the world, or from G-d if you wish. And think about it, it's scary to accept your birthright and step into it, but dear gods, wouldn't it be worse to refuse the birthright that G-d set aside for you and only you?
I'm delighted to hear of your insight. I hope it serves you well!
I know this one intimately
I just posted about this today.
http://wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com/431547.html
no subject