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When I was a kid, I wish I could have known that the degree of anxiety I suffered from everyday was not normal, and that there were ways to make that anxiety better. I remember saying something like, they're looking at me, why are they looking at me?
Looking back now I understand that I didn't really care *why* people were looking at me. The meta statement was: what they're doing makes me uncomfortable. With the implied request, Make it stop. (And the additional note: I feel ugly and unlovable, will you protect me, reassure me?)
If somebody could have understood the language I did not know yet how to speak, they might have heard my request and provided a lesson, to wit: "darling, it's okay. People look at people. You look at people? You don't need to worry about what they think of you. Any more than they worry about what you think of them. And if you think about it, I can no more make them stop looking at you, then you can make *me* stop looking at somebody else. That's not possible."
I guess what I really wanted was somebody to reassure me that the world wasn't judging me for being bad at whatever it was I was doing, humaning, because my anxiety made me feel constantly judged and found wanting.
And I mean hell, while I'm wishing my childhood had been different, in this one regard I'll go ahead and wish that it had been accepted and my dad had been able to get therapy and that My mom had been able to do what she really wanted to be able to do, and that both of them had learned about how to manage your stress with out drinking so much.
Looking back now I understand that I didn't really care *why* people were looking at me. The meta statement was: what they're doing makes me uncomfortable. With the implied request, Make it stop. (And the additional note: I feel ugly and unlovable, will you protect me, reassure me?)
If somebody could have understood the language I did not know yet how to speak, they might have heard my request and provided a lesson, to wit: "darling, it's okay. People look at people. You look at people? You don't need to worry about what they think of you. Any more than they worry about what you think of them. And if you think about it, I can no more make them stop looking at you, then you can make *me* stop looking at somebody else. That's not possible."
I guess what I really wanted was somebody to reassure me that the world wasn't judging me for being bad at whatever it was I was doing, humaning, because my anxiety made me feel constantly judged and found wanting.
And I mean hell, while I'm wishing my childhood had been different, in this one regard I'll go ahead and wish that it had been accepted and my dad had been able to get therapy and that My mom had been able to do what she really wanted to be able to do, and that both of them had learned about how to manage your stress with out drinking so much.
no subject
So well put! Thank you for that phrasing.
Strength and support to you also. 🧡🧡🧡