Fake it till you make it.

[labelleizzy]

So here's the thing: people pick on other people. They call people mean names, hit, shove, intimidate, say and do horrible things.

I know we usually soothe the people who've suffered such things with declarations of no-fault: "that girl is insecure and lashing out" "that guy was bullied as a child and he's continuing the cycle" "it's not about you, it's about THEM."

I'm about to say something that may get people pissed off at me. I've come to believe that we look at this situation, of bullying and harassment, and folks often say, it's all the bully's fault. Or perhaps that it's society's fault, or that parents have failed, or schools didn't provide proper guidance.

Believe me, I understand that bullying, harassment, domineering and controlling, assholish behavior has a bewildering complexity of causes.

And people also will point out (because often times the media and some individuals need reminding) that "victim-blaming", as a thing, is unfair, wrong, or bad.

Unfair, I grant. Unhelpful, I concede, and bad? Victim blaming is a mark of both lazy thinking and dishonest, delusional assumptions about interpersonal dynamics.

Wrong it may be to say the victim was at blame for their victimhood, but is it entirely incorrect?

I was alternately bullied and ignored throughout school. I entered into relationships with sarcastic, belittling partners and stayed there for years. I know now that patterns of behavior I learned at home shaped my childhood social experiences, my choices of romantic partners, and my willingness to trust... Actually to trust anyone at all, was a huge struggle, for many years.

I gained confidence and life experience, learned to thrive in nourishing relationships, and learned to survive and end verbally abusive relationships in work and romantic life.

What I eventually learned was that my assumptions influenced how my reality manifested. If you feel insecure, it shows in how you move, stand, hold yourself. Confidence or insecurity show in tone of voice and in your word choices too.

Humans everywhere in the world read body language fluently. Bullies and predators, consciously (or unconsciously) select people for body language that shows insecurity or wishy-washiness.

Radical honesty and being an adult demands that we must look deeply and unflinchingly at ourselves so we can solve the problem with accurate information, not self delusion.

* Am I complicit in being picked on, in any way?
* Do my assumptions about how I will be treated, or how the world works, affect how I AM treated, or how the world responds to me?
* If either of these are true, what can I do to recognize and change my habits of behavior and thought?

Suppose you've done serious reflection on your life and your attitudes or expectations to recognize that you contribute(d) to your own victimhood in some ways. You may expect people in your life to be rude, dismissive, disparaging, or sarcastic. You may have internal voices telling you you aren't good enough, aren't worth the effort.

And then you realize that you would NEVER speak even to your worst enemy with the language and tone you hear in your head. (The moment I realized this is clear in my head, even eight years later.)

Please be welcome to feel feelings about this discovery, but try to just feel them, not to judge yourself or beat yourself up for it. That helps nobody figure it out, it just gets in the way of discovery and change to a better paradigm for your inner sanctum.

It's definitely possible to start learning to present a more confident façade.
Think about the truism "fake it till you make it." Look around at people you know, or people you see, who look confident and calm, people who move happy, if that makes sense. People who move fluently and with purpose. If you're like I was at this stage, you're probably envious of those people. Use that. You want what they've got, start emulating them.

One of the first things I consciously did to conquer my fears was change how I walked. I lived in a not-great neighborhood, and so I thought about how to look like a not-target. I started to walk big, wear shoes that let me walk stompy, fast, strong. I stopped walking while reading or while checking my phone. I looked at people around me, and kept my chin up. Made eye contact occasionally, when I felt like it. That started happening more often as I built confidence. Nodding or waving or smiling slightly at neighbors started feeling comfortable. I worked on having straighter posture, and open, relaxed body language.

Now I look at the process as giving myself acting lessons. Really, they're acting lessons for your life, rather like the advice I've heard of dressing up to the job you want to have.

As an adult who's working to solve a problem, you'll immediately start to recognize victim body language or posture as you observe others, and how different it looks from confident body language or posture. And if your goal is to change your own behavior, you can start selecting habits that work better for your life, and work to change how you present yourself to the world.

The best part of fake it till you make it? As your body learns, your brain comes to believe what the body tells it. As you practice confident stances and postures, a strong movement style, aware and alert reactions to the people in your environment, not only will people treat you differently, YOU will start to feel differently about yourself. And that's a really big part of the solution.

Start research on techniques to build up your own resilience, tough mindedness, and compassion for yourself. This kind of interior remodeling job is worth the effort. And, if you already possess these skills? Please think about reaching out and lending a hand to someone who needs them.

(And let me say THANK you to all the families and teachers out there who are consciously working to raise strong, self confident children. You give me hope for the future.)



This has been my Week Four entry for therealljidol, and the prompt was a quotation from Dr.Martin Luther King Jr:
“Nobody can ride your back if your back's not bent”.

Beta-readings done by alycewilson !

Please go read and enjoy my colleagues' entries here. To vote for my entry, link is *here* scroll down to Tribe 5. soon after Monday April 7th, once the poll's posted.

Thank you for reading!


My Recommended reading list on this topic:
Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation
Trina Paulus' Hope For The Flowers
Dr. Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship
SARK's Bodacious Book of Succulence (and all her other books)
Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen's Goddesses in Everywoman and Gods in Everyman
Osho's COURAGE: The Joy of Living Dangerously

Comments

[celticmoni.livejournal.com]

love this. Very timely for me. Sometimes, even though you know it's unhealthy, it feels more comfortable to walk with your back bent, and accept riders, because that's what's known. Standing up, taking a stance, and faking being strong takes a hell of a lot of courage. I know I had that courage once, and no riders tried to take me, because they saw that I too strong for that. I could say that the world bent me, but that's not entirely true. I think I chose to bend, because I was seeking that posture's familiar comfort. Slowwwwwwwwwwly stretching back up, tho, and reworking out the kinks.

:)

Kudos to you for taking a stance, even if it may prove unpopular.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Have done some editing work, in hopes of making this stronger. LMK what you think.

[(Anonymous)]

http://kathleenthearsonist.tumblr.com/post/75596376493/or-when-you-openly-express-doubt-of-victims-when

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Dear anon, I don't know if you will see my reply.
I see your point, and I had concerns that this piece might strike people in that way. However, my intent with this essay is to share something that worked for me in my own healing, and was part of me growing past my own ACoA childhood.

I think it's a valid strategy to help an adult person minimize damage from future bullies; by building your own strength you make yourself a) less of a target in the future and b) someone who can possibly/probably be able to stand up on behalf of someone else who's being bullied.

Obviously my experience is not the same as yours; I'm sorry if this was painful to you in any way.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

So true - there's no excuse for meanness, but it's also up to us to not look and feel like a target. I especially agree about acting "as if" and how it helps you really have the feeling!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

thank you so much. I appreciate the feedback!

[eska818.livejournal.com]

Very thoughtful, and inspirational.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saying so!

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Lovely take!...Thanks for sharing this ..:)

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

thank you, much obliged!

[delphid]

An interesting and challenging take. I've seen this, though, through my experience with several of the women around me. While I can wish that our culture were different, it does reward those who project confidence.

P.S. You're in Tribe 5, not 4.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Thank you,
Yes.
And especially, thank you!

FIXXORED

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Nice job with providing advice and links. You're right about the walking technique, and not being distracted by phones or whatnot, especially in larger cities!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yes, that's my experience.

My sweetie used to read from his phone and read emails while he walked to public transit, and he habitually wears a Utilikilt, even to work... He... Well. He doesn't have great spatial awareness, or rather environmental awareness, when he's walking alone, because of his phone habit. Add to that the unconventional mode of dress...

Jerks used to yell at him and even threw things from cars a few times. So it's not just women that need to take care.

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

I can see how sometimes people can say the victim is at fault, but in general, no, I don't see that. A person isn't at fault for having a disability. A person isn't at fault because the family is poor. People are just cruel.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

No, I agree that sometimes some people are plain bastards and sometimes there is nothing to be done.
I was eleven when a pack of four used me as a constant butt of verbal abuse. I constantly felt like a kicked puppy, at home and at school.

Kids, for example, can learn to be strong, confident, and competent, mostly, and thank god for those parents who get past their own damage to parent right. (My parents didn't; my sister has.)

People with disability do the best they can, they're no different from the rest of us in that... But to solve the bullying, the culture needs to change so hugely.

I need a lot more paper than this to work out a plan that would fix the problem of Mean People.

*sigh*

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

Very interesting I'm glad you've changed and can hold yourself confidently

This is very true in my past.

I was always very social and had lots of friends but I did suffer from nerves and panic attacks (and school phobia). I wanted to go to college and my mom who had waited for 9 years (from when I started with school phobia) for the day I could leave was shocked. She told me that as no-one new me I should decide how I wanted to be seen and then walk into college and be an actor! I decided I was going to be a confident arty person who gets noticed rather than the quiet person I was. I walked into college acting as this new person and it was really noticable how different people reacted to me. One day after about 8 months I woke up and realised I had become it and I no-longer needed to act! :)

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I am so glad that you had the good and timely advice from your mother. College is such a perfect time to reinvent yourself. I was in my nid-thirties by the time I figured it out for myself.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

This is a superb take on the prompt!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you! So kind!

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

This interested me. As a person who is blind, body language has always been a foreign concept to me. I know people use it and that it affects how others interact with and view them.

I very much enjoyed reading your take on the prompt.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Oooh, thanks for your perspective!

[samayam.livejournal.com]

Solstice: I think you can probably understand from the perspective that tone of voice and use of language are also parts of that projection of one's self-image. When you hear someone mumbling and using self-effacing language, those are the verbal cues that go with the shrinking posture cues.

Liz: Very brave to speak an unpopular truth.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Heff, great explanation and way to phrase it. damn effective.

and well, I've been practicing bravery for years now. In some ways this was easier, a) because I don't think I think like 'normal people' if those even exist, and b) because this was my personal journey.

Maybe people don't like it, but I needed to risk that in order to talk about something that made a huge difference to my quality of life.

Thanks.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

There is quite a lot to faking a stance until you believe it yourself -- that does more for your own self-confidence than all the people in the world, because it's really yourself that you need that affirmation from. But it isn't necessarily going to help with bullying, nor in every confrontation situation; sometimes you need to back down in order to defuse the situation.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

No, you're definitely right...there's no way a person's attitude can fix EVERYTHING, because so much of life is beyond our control.... I remember one time the four jerks picking on me were trying to egg me on to fight one of them.

And I just said No. "Chicken?" They sneered.
"No, I just don't wanna fight you." And then I walked away.

What I've never verbalized or written, is that I said in my own head, "I don't love you enough to fight with you". Because that was how my sister and I interacted, through taunts and physically fighting. It was dysfunctional as hell, but she was the only person I ever fought with, and in an extremely messed up way, it was special just to us.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I've had friends whose families were like that -- totally there for each other, fought over the silliest things, but always banded together when it counted. It was just their way of loving each other.

[violaconspiracy.livejournal.com]

As an adult, I think there's a lot of truth to what you say. I don't know if it works so well in the case of children. For a child to develop self-confidence and the will to not take crap from others, they need someone to teach them. If that child has no one who can teach them those skills, then it can hardly be said that it's the child's fault for becoming a target. So I guess the question is, how do we make sure that all children are taught confidence and self-respect?

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I agree, children are never at fault for someone abusing them or treating them poorly... Grown ups aren't at fault for someone treating them badly either. The fault always lies with the abuser.

All I have here is one path a grown person might find to help them heal and gain confidence.

The best way to help children grow up strong and confident is to ensure security for all families, so nobody is hungry or homeless or hurting.

Angry, hungry, hurting and scared people can't parent like healthy, contented, secure parents can.

How do we get there? No idea. Not without a massive restructuring of Western society and values.

[belenen.livejournal.com]

There are things people can do to protect themselves, like the body language and stopping negative self-talk. However, that doesn't mean that if they don't have the right [fill in the blank] that they are complicit. There is no failure that can earn abuse. Abuse is 100% the fault of the abuser 100% of the time. Reassigning partial blame to victims is not appropriate or helpful.

Offering strategies to escape abuse might be helpful -- but you have to realize that one size does not fit all. Your strategy probably only works for people who are quite similar in status to you (race, class, ability type, body shape, etc). In some cases confident body language would be met with greater attacks, not lesser. In other cases body language is not going to be interpreted as confident no matter what.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I think you ate mostly correct here.

I'm just so glad to get people thinking and talking about the subject!

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

+1000000000000000 EVERYTHING belenen says here.

[catwomon.livejournal.com]

Your piece has impacted on me. I am in that place of trying desperately to break out of the wall that surrounds me. I made some of it and other parts of it came from outside of me, but it matters not. I am the one solely responsible for breaking it down. All of the stuff about body language is not so important for me, because I can't see it, so it would be hard to emulate it, but there are so many internal changes I can strive to make a bit at a time. I think the outward, physical ones will follow as they must. Thanks for sharing!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome. Glad I could help at all!

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

I have many feels on this that I'm not quite sure how to focus...I largely agree with belenen regarding putting any blame back on victims, BUT I also am a big believer in "fake it 'til you make it" in pretty much every aspect of my life, and I've seen that it works when it comes to gaining success and making friends.

One thing I am stubborn on is the concept of clothing. I feel that people should have the right to wear whatever they want to wear. I simultaneously realize that people judge others by what they're wearing. I think if you're aware of how someone might judge you, but you wear what you want to wear anyway, you go girl, do your thing. I will never agree with the idea that people need to dress a certain way in order to avoid abuse or harassment.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Nice, and very even-handed all around. :)

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

A thousand thank yous for writing this. It needed to be said. As someone who scores somewhere in the neighborhood of a "2" on the Locus of Control scale, I can honestly say there is not nearly enough of this thinking in the world. The worst thing about this whole screaming hissy fit that goes on whenever there's the slightest suggestion that anyone might be blaming the victim (even if it's just asking the victim to recognize that he or she did have SOME part in the event, even if it was only as minor as being in the wrong place at the wrong time), is that we end up CODDLING the victim instead, further progressing him or her into victim mentality, doomed to REMAIN a victim, because we haven't helped him or her learn how NOT to be a victim, and given him or her the tools to do so. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being brave enough to stand on this pedestal and say this... especially in front of this particular group of victim coddling types. This puts you strongly on my friends list.