Temperance/Sobriety observation

[labelleizzy]

So I came to the conclusion that one of the not quite verbalized reasons I was drinking was to dull down my Weird. And maybe my Wyrd as well, but that's another post entirely...


I am also realizing that drinking dulls my Anger. And my Perception, Insight, Outrage, Frustration, Pathfinding, Desire (both in the YaGottaWanna and the Hello,Nurse! contexts...), my GitErDone, my GetOuttaDodge, just a lot of motivational feelings and urges, all dulled down.

So yeah. I'm angry. and frustrated, and outraged. I am perceptive and insightful. I have a lot of good qualities that are coming back up to the surface where I've been drowning them. Maybe for years.

I'm still trying to let this whole Paradigm shift thing work its Mojo, trying to clear the way for it without, yanno, pulling the carrots out of the ground to measure their growth...

it's partly the not drinking and partly the Waldorf practices and meditations and partly it's just TIME for another big shift. And partly cos I WANT things to change, shift, consolidate, get more concrete, get stronger, more intense, sharper, brighter, clearer.

I don't want to be dull anymore, in any sense of the word.

Continue watching this space for further developments.

Comments

[dakini-grl.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm getting only the highlights here, but I will say this: yes, exactly. I hope you continue seeking a counselor for your very own self regardless of cost, and make a decision about sobriety/drinking as you see fits against what you are learning.

(For myself, there is always an internal check about *why* I am drinking. Is it to enjoy it or to try and drown some discomfort? The more I look at it, the less able I am to bullshit myself about the why.)

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Yes, that very thing. I no longer want to bullshit myself about the why... of anything. Why I am putting up with rude behaviour. why I am not checking in wth my own feelings or why I am not expressing them if I know what they are.

FWIW, you're only getting the highlights cos that's all I can really put words to right now. It's a subtle shift in... just about everything in my head.

Major purges of Stuff-That-Don't-Work-For-Me upcoming, I feel this need to really cut the crap and fly lighter.

or Fly, at all!

[dakini-grl.livejournal.com]

No explanation required, I only meant to qualify that my comment might not be in context. And in fact I think it's thrilling that you are just done with it all and ready to (as you say) cut the crap and move on.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

Best of luck with the journey. I stopped tolearating the intolerable, and I lost people and a circle over it.

And I grieve that. But I move on. When you stop tolerating things, you may well lose a lot. I hope you don't but it may happen anyway. Good luck.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

the last time I quit tolerating the intolerable, I lost a house, five cats, and a husband.

I think the husband and the cats are secure this time round, and the house is in flux anyway...and I'm cut loose from the job situation so I can start re-shaping that to my liking and needs, finally.

I never learned as a child how to let go of regret, of relationships... I spent a long time, maybe too long, in the States of Regret and Denial, beating myself up with "if only"s over things I couldnt change anyway...

I hold onto Stuff of all kinds because I have been Afraid I Will Need That (your capitalization tips are quite effective, BTW) and now I know I do NOT need That, after all, so it can go out of my life. Finally, I can look at That and see it for what it Is.

Yes, I may lose things, people, but it's all part of the Flow. Losing some things, gaining others. The trick is knowing how to make use of both the things you gain and the bare space left by the things you have lost/rid yourself of... (still learning that, long way to go still)...

Fair warning. Thanks.