Poly questions

Had a nice second date with Johnny, when I said I needed something more substantial than coffee he just walked us a couple blocks past the coffee place we were meeting at, and the little diner was cozy, cute and clean. It felt like being looked after, in a tiny way. He seems like a good human being who's done a lot of stuff and likes telling interesting stories about it, but I didn't feel talked over or anything, there was always room for me at the table.

(More coming, stay tuned)

I thought about asking him what's his favorite thing about being poly, and then I wondered how I would answer the question.

The first thing I thought of was the bad puns and sex jokes within the Polycule group chat. There's also the sense of community, of people who love you enough to stand at your back if you need anything. And then I went from there to think, these people are nourishing to me in different ways, which is why I want to spend time with them.

THEN I remembered times in my life where I've HAD to spend time with people who DRAIN your energy instead of being restful. Jobs, school, teaching. Awful awkward times dating. The Burning Man camp before this last year's, and how aggravating some of those people were who didn't pitch in, who assumed privilege they hadn't earned (getting dragged into hugs by a dude I just met and *didn't want to hug*, getting swatted on the ass by someone I barely knew -both cis white dudes, FTR).

...hang on, I was going somewhere with this...

A huge part of why polyamorous relationships work for me NOW is that NOW I feel secure, safe, loved, trusted and trustworthy. I couldn't have been polyamorous in my earlier relationships at all, not without a lot more pain and panic. (which still did happen frequently during my early days in this lovestyle.) I couldn't have made this go before I started really unpacking my emotional wounds and insecurities, before I felt safe enough to actually speak up about what I needed and wanted, with the trust that I would be both heard and listened to.

I guess it's that polyamorous relationships at their best, like all relationships, are nourishing and support everyone involved. There's a mutual give and take but it's not just a DYAD. There's a conscious acknowledgement that other people exist and are important in each person's social network and often, love life.

Poly: It's not a simple relationship model. And you can't make blind assumptions about "what IS the relationship" the way I did in earlier mostly-monogamous relationships I had. For polyamorous, particularly romantic relationships for ME, we have to do a lot of work DTR (AKA defining the relationship).

I flailed around FOREVER in my early years
of life, as far as making friends, in both childhood and adolescence. Human connection was a deep mystery to me. My family wasn't a good place to learn how to connect with people, so I learned, mostly on an Intellectual level, "how to people" and "how to friend". I tried to build frameworks of acceptable interaction to avoid ostracism and humiliation, with only partial success.

A common downfall and cause of conflict in all relationships, I think, is when each party assumes they know the shape of the interaction, the commitments that are implicit, the expected duties on both sides. This can be friends, this can be boss-employee, this can be co-workers, teachers and students, even FAMILY, and of course we have ideas about what our lovers should be.

We all have models in our heads of what these look like, feel like, and how they will provide benefits for US, and what is our part of the job in return or exchange.

But I'm finally consciously realizing, THAT'S NOT THE CASE. That's never BEEN the case. Your model of friendship is different than mine. That's why we negotiate our friendship over time. The job relationship is gonna look different between me and my boss and someone else and my boss. That relationship is ALSO negotiated BETWEEN us as co workers.

It's about how consciously you inhabit your own life and how consciously or unconsciously other people negotiate, or navigate maybe, that's not a horrible metaphor, relationship spaces.

so I'm going to say that right now today, my favorite thing about polyamory is that it forced me to examine my assumptions about what relationships even are. And that is giving me the freedom to have completely different take on The World and to be a lot more intentional with where I spend my time my intention my money basically how I do everything!

There's that one saying I remember that I struggled with understanding for years as a kid and teenager, along the lines of how you do one thing is how you do everything. And I would like to say that my goals for the rest of my life include being intentional careful and kind in all my relationships.

(I need to come back and hack at this again some more, there's definitely more to be said. And this needs more editing, but whatever, for right now.)

If you want, Beloved Reader, tell me what you think about conscious relationship choices, below.