Dreams, pain, loneliness

I dreamed I was a teenager and that I woke up with appendicitis, or something that blew up my low left belly in a painful distended lump. (I knew I was a teenager because my belly was small and flat and the lump was distinct, painful-tender and hot to the touch)

I called for my dad to help me out of bed and said, "I need to go to the hospital" and he helped me sit up (I didn't know that I remembered his hands) but then he left and found a lot of other things he had to do before he could take me... He didn't listen when I talked to him, and the pain in the dream was enough that I couldn't walk properly.

When I woke to go to the bathroom, the physical sensations from the dream had me bent over and hobbling to protect my belly for several steps till I touched my belly and it was fine, didn't hurt.

I know my brain got the belly-pain from my recent gastritis/incredibly painful gas that wouldn't pass for days. Don't wanna think about where I got the lonely-he-refuses-to-listen part.

I'm definitely feeling sad today. It's probably partly from whatever brought up a dream like that... But too, California is still burning, and that acts on my mind at a subconscious level.

I'm going to set up some social time with my people for the next two weeks so I have something to look forward to. Hopefully that will help me feel better.

#metoo

Re: the #metoo
I wonder whether perps of sexual assault even recognize that they're perps. Do they justify and normalize their behavior to themselves? Do they bury what they did deep in their brains? Are they ashamed, or proud of what they did? Do they feel powerful? Or does it matter most to them that they got their jollies/an orgasm out of it?

As a teen I used to not know better than to dump my anger/rage/shame off onto other people. It was a relief to let it go, but I was ashamed because I knew that wasn't how I should treat people. I had to learn how to do better, and it's taken many years. I still fuck up.

Research into bullying and social dynamics is in progress, it's been a long road. Start where you are. Learn to feed yourself so YOU don't make the problem worse. Lashing out makes it worse. Dumping responsibility for your actions onto someone else, makes it worse.

Reaching out and making connection, makes it better. Learning more about others, practicing kindness, self regulation, and community building, makes it better.

Add other ideas in the comments about what YOU can do to make it better.