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Late last night as I started to fall asleep, I dreamed briefly of my father (gone since April 1994)
And I felt and thought, "I *miss* you, Fred," and then I saw his face near mine, in 3/4 profile. He looked just the same, his silvering hair and cowlick, stupidly handsome face... He smiled, looked down, back up, and then a hand on the back of my neck shook me gently back and forth, and I cried.
Saying this now, I'm crying again, those slow fat tears that roll back into your ears.
...
And then I got anxiety dreams about the Black Plague, and then where my mom was the FLOTUS (I only now see the connection with my dad dream NOW) and bad men with guns were coming through our house And there was no place to hide. Giant piles of laundry vanished when I went to hide myself under them...
Idk where mom was in the dream, I forced myself to wake around 6 am, it was still dark, I drank 2 cups of water and went back to bed.
Unrelatedly earlier that same night I'd gone to the grocery store with Jeff for the first time since March 25.
Anxiety dreams. Valid, but they SUCK.
And I felt and thought, "I *miss* you, Fred," and then I saw his face near mine, in 3/4 profile. He looked just the same, his silvering hair and cowlick, stupidly handsome face... He smiled, looked down, back up, and then a hand on the back of my neck shook me gently back and forth, and I cried.
Saying this now, I'm crying again, those slow fat tears that roll back into your ears.
...
And then I got anxiety dreams about the Black Plague, and then where my mom was the FLOTUS (I only now see the connection with my dad dream NOW) and bad men with guns were coming through our house And there was no place to hide. Giant piles of laundry vanished when I went to hide myself under them...
Idk where mom was in the dream, I forced myself to wake around 6 am, it was still dark, I drank 2 cups of water and went back to bed.
Unrelatedly earlier that same night I'd gone to the grocery store with Jeff for the first time since March 25.
Anxiety dreams. Valid, but they SUCK.
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*hugs*
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Like UGHHHHHHH most of this plague I feel like my body has been wise, has been shedding stress chemicals nearly daily. Not with sobbing but with slow weeping eyes on wake-up and at different times during the day sometimes. I've got nobody to criticize me so I just let it.
But yeah the first grocery store visit was hella stressful and anxious and I stuffed that down but good to be able to do it. The actual Doing wasn't bad, it was an hour before closing, nobody was a dick at all, hardly saw people at all...
Stressful part, aside from the obvious unknown after six months, was I got ready, and then SPOUSE wasn't ready, and I had to wait and spin and STEW about it. So frustrating.
*Exhale*
I'm glad to realize they have a good set up, and I'll probably be willing to go back now, everybody was masked and careful that I saw.
What a weird fuckin' world this is.
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