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There's a YouTube channel called sexplanations (good job, voice to text spellchecker!) Dr Lindsay Doe does it.
She just released a video called sexual frequency, and I disagree with her underlying premise for the entire video. She seems to be taking it as given that's people will use sex to reward behavior that they want see more of. I have a problem with this and have since I was 18 and my college boyfriend offered to bribe me with unreciprocated orgasms, for every pound of weight that I lost. I was offended then, but didn't have the experience are the words to express that nor did I have the confidence.
I mean to give dr. Doe the benefit of the doubt, it might be that she was using that behavioral reinforcement model and using b******* just as how to explain behavioral reinforcement. (I think it's hilarious the voice to text censored BJ). Okay so the question for me becomes: is it ethical to use sexual behavior in the process of training other behaviors. I'm feeling like there is a ton of really sketchy s*** about that idea. And there's so much complicated business around sexual relationships and power balance and imbalance and peer pressure or pressure from your spouse or significant other.
Time to make a embarrassing confession, or if not embarrassing perhaps it's shameful. part of the problem I have with this idea of offering sexual behavior to motivate other kinds of behavior is that I have no such leverage like that in any relationships in my life at the moment. I have nobody for whom I could offer sex in that vein, also nobody who would offer sex to motivate me to do something. I have complicated feelings about this. This kind of power to influence *might* have been mine in the past, but I don't remember ever working like this with someone, and this still feels sketchy and even exploitative to me, unless negotiated thoughtfully.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm more inclined to believe this kind of a dynamic would be effective and enjoyable for both parties in more of a BDSM flavor dynamic. Where one partner does what the other partner pleases, or does what they say. Because that's what the two folks have agreed upon. A lot of BDSM seems to be about playing with and in and around power over, power with, choices and decisions.
In the past I have been pressured to have sex, and I have also pressured other people to have sex. I feel like the way dr. Doe explains her "sex as a motivational tool", could easily fall into the pattern of sex being had under pressure, and that's where I get uncomfortable these days and also wanting to talk about it (instead of suffering in silence without the vocabulary to express what I was feeling).
To start with, the video seems to start with the assumption that women, or the blowjob givers, have all the power of who gets to have the sex. In some sexual relationships I'm sure that's the case, but the "women as gatekeeper of sex" myth is one foundations of the toxic culture of the "MRA's" and "incels", and personally I don't wanna give that idea *any* boost or traction.
It would have been better, in my opinion, and more egalitarian, to use a euphemism like "going down" or the non gender specific "oral sex" or "mouth to genital contact" both of which she did use... but using that consistently. It would make the video more inclusive of lgbtq folks too.
By modeling the premise of using blowjobs to, for example, get someone to wash the dishes, it's... Like... Mixing the streams. Like, doing chores and getting motivated through rewards is... Fine? I guess? You're an adult. Take care of yourself and your business. If you are a grown ass adult you should know that Shit Gotta Get Done, and not require bribery.
Or Maybe it's the kind of bribery I object to. I definitely have rewarded myself for finishing projects or tasks with food, or with an outing, or with quiet time with the book. I don't have a problem with rewards per se, especially for motivation.
Bribery blowjobs just seem... Cheap, I guess? But also ripe for onesidedness, manipulation, and abuse. "I don't feel like doing my share of the chores, so what? No blowjob? I don't care... Now I guess YOU have to do the dishes, haha."
I don't know if I'm making myself clear.
*Pulling at hair*
See, the sex part of a relationship already has so much potential to hurt and harm people, and she's talking about "slurping the gherkin" like it's both silly and the ultimate answer to everyone's I don't wannas.
This framework... I'm just realizing has a dual problematic underlying assumption: not just the one of the b****** giver in a position of being the gatekeeper of sex, and also being the person who is the project manager for taking care of the household. There's an excellent essay which if I can find I'll try to link here later, about the invisible labor that goes into being the project manager of a household. And why so many women and femmes get burned out about it. It's an unequal load that we don't talk enough about.
Like I usually love the videos doctor doe makes for sexplanations, but this particular video just leaves such a sour taste in my mouth.
Can you help unsnarl this or find some more clarity?
She just released a video called sexual frequency, and I disagree with her underlying premise for the entire video. She seems to be taking it as given that's people will use sex to reward behavior that they want see more of. I have a problem with this and have since I was 18 and my college boyfriend offered to bribe me with unreciprocated orgasms, for every pound of weight that I lost. I was offended then, but didn't have the experience are the words to express that nor did I have the confidence.
I mean to give dr. Doe the benefit of the doubt, it might be that she was using that behavioral reinforcement model and using b******* just as how to explain behavioral reinforcement. (I think it's hilarious the voice to text censored BJ). Okay so the question for me becomes: is it ethical to use sexual behavior in the process of training other behaviors. I'm feeling like there is a ton of really sketchy s*** about that idea. And there's so much complicated business around sexual relationships and power balance and imbalance and peer pressure or pressure from your spouse or significant other.
Time to make a embarrassing confession, or if not embarrassing perhaps it's shameful. part of the problem I have with this idea of offering sexual behavior to motivate other kinds of behavior is that I have no such leverage like that in any relationships in my life at the moment. I have nobody for whom I could offer sex in that vein, also nobody who would offer sex to motivate me to do something. I have complicated feelings about this. This kind of power to influence *might* have been mine in the past, but I don't remember ever working like this with someone, and this still feels sketchy and even exploitative to me, unless negotiated thoughtfully.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm more inclined to believe this kind of a dynamic would be effective and enjoyable for both parties in more of a BDSM flavor dynamic. Where one partner does what the other partner pleases, or does what they say. Because that's what the two folks have agreed upon. A lot of BDSM seems to be about playing with and in and around power over, power with, choices and decisions.
In the past I have been pressured to have sex, and I have also pressured other people to have sex. I feel like the way dr. Doe explains her "sex as a motivational tool", could easily fall into the pattern of sex being had under pressure, and that's where I get uncomfortable these days and also wanting to talk about it (instead of suffering in silence without the vocabulary to express what I was feeling).
To start with, the video seems to start with the assumption that women, or the blowjob givers, have all the power of who gets to have the sex. In some sexual relationships I'm sure that's the case, but the "women as gatekeeper of sex" myth is one foundations of the toxic culture of the "MRA's" and "incels", and personally I don't wanna give that idea *any* boost or traction.
It would have been better, in my opinion, and more egalitarian, to use a euphemism like "going down" or the non gender specific "oral sex" or "mouth to genital contact" both of which she did use... but using that consistently. It would make the video more inclusive of lgbtq folks too.
By modeling the premise of using blowjobs to, for example, get someone to wash the dishes, it's... Like... Mixing the streams. Like, doing chores and getting motivated through rewards is... Fine? I guess? You're an adult. Take care of yourself and your business. If you are a grown ass adult you should know that Shit Gotta Get Done, and not require bribery.
Or Maybe it's the kind of bribery I object to. I definitely have rewarded myself for finishing projects or tasks with food, or with an outing, or with quiet time with the book. I don't have a problem with rewards per se, especially for motivation.
Bribery blowjobs just seem... Cheap, I guess? But also ripe for onesidedness, manipulation, and abuse. "I don't feel like doing my share of the chores, so what? No blowjob? I don't care... Now I guess YOU have to do the dishes, haha."
I don't know if I'm making myself clear.
*Pulling at hair*
See, the sex part of a relationship already has so much potential to hurt and harm people, and she's talking about "slurping the gherkin" like it's both silly and the ultimate answer to everyone's I don't wannas.
This framework... I'm just realizing has a dual problematic underlying assumption: not just the one of the b****** giver in a position of being the gatekeeper of sex, and also being the person who is the project manager for taking care of the household. There's an excellent essay which if I can find I'll try to link here later, about the invisible labor that goes into being the project manager of a household. And why so many women and femmes get burned out about it. It's an unequal load that we don't talk enough about.
Like I usually love the videos doctor doe makes for sexplanations, but this particular video just leaves such a sour taste in my mouth.
Can you help unsnarl this or find some more clarity?
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I recognize that sex does act to reinforce behaviors we want, but I think that's basically only okay if it's not a conscious reward-for-behavior. If you think I look totally hot and sexy when I am baking bread, that's cool and likely to lead to more baking. Using sex to try to manipulate me into baking seems like it treats both of us poorly. (This is not a pass. It might be interpreted as an offer to bake you bread the next time you're up Seattle-way, but bread was just a really random example that popped into my head.)
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Refresh the page, I downloaded more of my frustrations with this video, and I'll add a link to it in the body of the post.
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One thing I realized in writing this is, Transactions to do with sexual acts at all have a high likelihood of triggering shame, humiliation, anger, frustration, tears and emotional shutdown for me.
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Oral as a bribe sounds extremely coercive with a dubcon side of "you did something you didn't want to, so I'll do something I don't want to." That level of transaction is a joy-killer.
I've got WAY better negotiation and barter tactics that do not involve naked playtime for things to get done in Household, but usually an ask and a reminder suffices. "Can you do X while I work on Y?" is a decent starting point.
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1. I know a (married, heterosexual) couple who specifically and explicitly made sex part of their relationship barter system at the time of the marriage. She will be sexually available and receptive to him whenever he would like, and in return she gets various non sexual things, not the least of which is complete financial support.
I have never finished unpacking how I feel about this. The surface reaction: “Ick, that sounds hideous, but they are both consenting adults.” It doesn’t help that they’re several years along and there have been long stretches of time wherein she has gotten no joy or pleasure out of the sexual portions of the relationship. Also doesn’t help that he uses pharmaceuticals including hormones to artificially increase his desire for and ability to have sex. My skin crawls. (And it’s hard to separate this from my personal reaction to him, himself, since he has made his sexual interest in me clear - they’re poly, of a sort - and I have none in return.)
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(There are a lot of reasons I don’t see movies but “US culture being deeply poisonous” covers many of them.)
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Like you said, I can't unsee it, now that I see it.
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What each side gets is different, and sex is more on the "wants and needs" list of one party than it is the other party. But it works.
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There's whole genres I avoid, now that I think about it. Horror, nope. Can't rewatch the old James Bond films.
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