![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I'm 49 years old, and I can only now reliably trust my shoulders to stay back and down, instead of up around my ears in fear everyday.
It's only been a few years since I realized I could maybe someday relax my shoulders and take them down, down from where they have lived since I was a child. I resent that it was normal to live with my body shaped like a victims. And I am sad for all the wasted years because I lived in fear, what that prevented me from exploring, how that prevented me from trusting, and the pinched tight uncomfortable living space that was all that I knew for decades. Right now I am crying in rage, because my body was built from my parents' pain and ignorance, their fear, their wounds.
I know now, I know and love people who never grew up wounded like I did. I'm happy for them and also resentful and also grateful that it's possible even to grow up without that kind of pain and legacy pressing you down squished against the Earth you can grow a lot of roots but it's very hard to find your leaves and you have to move in unexpected ways in order to find the sun.
It's only been a few years since I realized I could maybe someday relax my shoulders and take them down, down from where they have lived since I was a child. I resent that it was normal to live with my body shaped like a victims. And I am sad for all the wasted years because I lived in fear, what that prevented me from exploring, how that prevented me from trusting, and the pinched tight uncomfortable living space that was all that I knew for decades. Right now I am crying in rage, because my body was built from my parents' pain and ignorance, their fear, their wounds.
I know now, I know and love people who never grew up wounded like I did. I'm happy for them and also resentful and also grateful that it's possible even to grow up without that kind of pain and legacy pressing you down squished against the Earth you can grow a lot of roots but it's very hard to find your leaves and you have to move in unexpected ways in order to find the sun.
no subject
*Head on your shoulder*
Yeah. Hugs are always welcome...
no subject