Spoken word, healing embodied pain and shame

[labelleizzy]

I'm 49 years old, and I can only now reliably trust my shoulders to stay back and down, instead of up around my ears in fear everyday.

It's only been a few years since I realized I could maybe someday relax my shoulders and take them down, down from where they have lived since I was a child. I resent that it was normal to live with my body shaped like a victims. And I am sad for all the wasted years because I lived in fear, what that prevented me from exploring, how that prevented me from trusting, and the pinched tight uncomfortable living space that was all that I knew for decades. Right now I am crying in rage, because my body was built from my parents' pain and ignorance, their fear, their wounds.

I know now, I know and love people who never grew up wounded like I did. I'm happy for them and also resentful and also grateful that it's possible even to grow up without that kind of pain and legacy pressing you down squished against the Earth you can grow a lot of roots but it's very hard to find your leaves and you have to move in unexpected ways in order to find the sun.

Comments

[noahgibbs]

Mostly not sure how to reply. But definitely thanks for the reminder to drop my shoulders and pull them back :-)

[labelleizzy]

You are welcome for the reminder. I make an effort these days to live in bodied as much as I can. My body holds a lot of memories and sometimes those memories come out in movement.

I found out today also, after writing this, that I lost an auntie to cancer months ago but we were out of the notification loop. It's being a very emotional day today.

[tshuma]

awww, honey. *hugs* if you want them.

[labelleizzy]

*long, slow sigh*
*Head on your shoulder*
Yeah. Hugs are always welcome...

[tshuma]

Please let's get some time together for tea and sympathy when I am back in country, so there can be a hug in person.

[tshuma]

The next level for that is after dropping the shoulders and pulling them back, lift the chest/ribcage up away from the pelvis. One teacher I had would have us achieve this by doing a half sun salutation if we had room (with arms), otherwise just in place, but after dropping shoulders and pulling them back, take a deep breath lifting the chest and stretching the spine, hold it, release it, three times, and on the third iteration focus on leaving the chest raised while releasing the breath. The muscles that are activated to hold that lifted position are the next ones to focus on after you've had some good success with the dropping and pulling back.

[armiphlage]

*hugs*

[labelleizzy]

*hugs*

[tarasacon]

Big Feels - so much this.

After [The Thing] in 2017 that birthed my cPTSD, there is a lot of old trauma I thought I had processed, all out to play at the slightest opportunity. I'm having to learn how to be back in my body, and to be okay with it. There's a lot of sadness & anger & grief that needs to happen. :/

[labelleizzy]

I'm sorry for your retraumatization. None of that is easy.

[labelleizzy]

it's awful to feel like you've worked through All The Stuff and then boom here it comes out again to make you miserable again. *hug*

feel the feelings, the only way out is through even if that sucks.

<3

[qos]

*hug

[labelleizzy]

*hug*